Ties are the worst. I mean, they are. I won’t lie, they are funny. But the fact remains, they are the worst, and I hope we don’t get any more this year. If we get more it will ruin the magic unicorn that is the football tie.

I’ve pretty much made a comic about ties twice before, to really the best effect that can be stated without me repeating the joke ad-nauseum. I think the final panel of that second comic is pretty much the definitive pinnacle of what a Tie Game is. I didn’t make a comic on Tuesday about the Was/Cin London tie because there wasn’t really much to say. Maybe that UK fans probably liked it because soccer has a lot of ties? Maybe. But everyone pretty much made that joke the day it happened. The biggest problem with tie games is that they are completely and utterly unsatisfactory. It’s the worst. You can’t be happy, you can’t be sad. You don’t really know what to feel, because ties are terrible.

It’s fun to laugh at the teams who tied and the SEA/ARI game was indeed a nihilistic masterpiece but the best part of sports is the ecstasy of victory. The agony of defeat. The absolution. Ties don’t give us mistakes to learn from or achievements to applaud. They are nothing, empty, meaningless voids, just like existence. Nobody wants to think about that. We watch sports to get away from that.

It’s also why Soccer sucks (to me at least). There are a lot of reasons I don’t care for soccer, but frequent ties are top of the list. The reason ties in football are funny is because they never happen. It’s rare to get one tie, let alone 2 in subsequent weeks. But if they happen more frequently like they do in soccer, they won’t be funny for long. They’ll just be ties. Empty meaningless disappointment. I think the only reason Soccer even has so many ties is because it’s so hard to score in soccer anyway, and fixing it to involve fewer draws would make half the games come down to penalty kicks and more or less fundamentally change the sport. But people demand resolution. In TV shows. In court cases. In pursuits. In movies, books, elections, everything/ Ties are not resolutions. They are the cliffhanger ending of a TV show that gets cancelled. They are the movie that set up sequels that never get made. They are court cases that get caught in bureaucratic hell. They are police cold cases, never to be solved. They are pointless pieces of cloth worn around the neck as a form of fashion.

Ties suck.

Also if you aren’t listening to INTENTIONAL SOUNDING THE DRAW PLAY PODCAST you should because you can hear me and my co-host get really mad about excessive celebration flags and discuss how Tie soccer games are the reason the british empire crumbled.