What is it about Miami that turns the Patriots mortal?

Seriously. What is it? Why does Florida turn Bill Belichick and Co. into a bunch of regular schmoes? I don’t get it. The Dolphins have been a thorn in the side of the Pats for years, only in Miami. A loss to the Dolphins late probably cost the Patriots home field two seasons ago, which may have cost them the AFCCG against Denver. The Pats are 1-4 against the Phins these past 4 years. Tom Brady is 7-9 in Miami all time. Jay Cutler outplayed Tom Brady in primetime this week. What the hell do the Dolphins do to the Patriots?

Do Dolphins fans even know? It’s not like the Dolphins have a monster home field advantage, especially this time of year when it’s not that hot. It’s not like the Dolphins are good, in fact they got trounced just weeks ago in Foxboro.

I know the Pats didn’t have Gronk but like…they usually spend half a regular season without Gronk, they can handle Gronklessness. They won the SB last year without Gronk. The Patriots have been the best team ever pretty much by being the best team at adjusting for game to game matchups at a nitpicky level. Gronk not being there shouldn’t have mattered this much.

The Dolphins defense is fine, but…I mean really? 2 INTs off Mr Perfect? Why does this happen? Does Bill Belichick reach Florida, see the rampant cocaine and sexy women and just get appalled by the idea that so many people are enjoying themselves that he gets mildly distracted from his usual planning routine? What is in the air at Miami that makes this happen I am so incredibly confused.

It’s not the coaching! The coaching changes all the time! Last year the Dolphins actually made the playoffs and yet it’s the one time out of the past 4 years that the Dolphins actually lost in Miami to the Pats. In week 17 no less. WHAT ARE YOU, DOLPHINS. WHAT ARE YOU? HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS? WHY HAVEN’T YOU SHARED THE SECRET?

Miami has the Dolphins
A mediocre football team
they take the ball from goal to goal
sometimes, I guess, go team!

They’re in the air
and on the ground
Jay Cutler rarely shows control
but when they play New England
it’s like a Super Bowl!