THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–I wonder how mad the NFL and Netflix/etc was that the Christmas matchups were all a pile of ass. I did not watch a football game on Christmas, I spent it with my wife, being happy. What did I miss? The eliminated and mid-ass Cowboys pee in the woeful Commanders cereal? The Lions squander their remaining gasp at relevance by shitting the bed against THIS? The Broncos almost (but not quite) fraud out against a Chiefs QB I’ve never heard of before a week ago? Leave Christmas to the NBA. The NFL doesn’t need it.
The Saturday Games were a bit more fun. The Texans jumped out to an incredibly hot start against the Chargers with two TDs in a matter of minutes but then the rest of the game was just a slow slog of the Chargers slowly inching up the scoreboard but not enough to win. Ravens/Packers was better. Seemingly learning a lesson after last week, Harbaugh simply fed Hungry Hungry Henry and El Tractorcito delivered. 4 TDs. 200 Yards. Angry Cheeseheads.
Sunday was…fine. The Bengals knifed the Cardinals. The Titans put together a good performance but the Saints have figured shit out and retook the lead late to win. The Bucs and Panthers both refused to stake their claim on the division, setting us up for the saddest win and in’s in several seasons. The Patriots committed unspeakable acts against the Jets. The Giants beat the Raiders. The Colts put up a fight against the Jaguars but Old Man Rivers officially came back to lose 3 straight games and see zero playoffs. The Colts are out of the playoffs after starting 7-1. Pathetic.
The meat of the week was in the Steelers playing coward ball against the Browns, Rodgers making several decisions that felt like he was desperate to avoid being the Myles Garrett record breaker. It did not work and the Browns won. This sets up Ravens/Steelers next week as our second Winner Take All. Eagles/Bills was our second quality game, with the Bills being butt for 3 quarters while the Eagles were butt for a different 3 quarters. The Bills looked to win the game on a 2-pointer and Josh Allen made the worst throw of the week to render all of this a waste of time.
Thankfully Bears/49ers gave us a high scoring ball-out. We needed it. Then Rams/Falcons gave us a laugher to give the week an amusing aftertaste.
GIANTS CORNER
–I enjoyed watching my team win a football game. I said it a few years ago when the Giants played themselves out of QB range that I will not root for tanking. Tanking implies your team will succeed by strategic failure. But for my entire life, every team that DOES magically pull itself from the ashes of a top pick is matched by just as many teams that did not. The pick only matters if you also make the right coaching and GM decisions. If you build the right support around the pick.
You have to get so much more right than just the pick. Franchise altering players can be found in every slot in the first round if you have competent people running your football team, a higher pick just increases your chance of not completely whiffing. The Bears drafting Caleb didn’t change their franchise. It was the combo of that, plus Ben Johnson, plus other choices. The Patriots drafting Drake Maye did not change their franchise. It was that, plus firing Jerod Mayo and hiring Vrabel, plus other moves. Drafting Jayden Daniels sure made for a good rookie year, but terrible choices beyond that have turned the Commanders back into a pile of shit. Has Cam Ward turned the Titans into a Titan? No. The Titans might have their guy, but they have to do so much more to make it work, and considering their track record….I don’t see it happening. Because the Titans are an incompetent organization. Draft picks cant save stupid.
The Giants are also a poorly run organization. They are drafting at the top of the order every year because they are stupid from the top down. Trickle Down Idiocy. A #1 pick isn’t likely to change that. It took the Jaguars years, multiple coaches, and other high draft picks to unlock current Trevor Lawrence. The Jets have drafted near the top for over a decade and look at them. Year in, year out, garbage. I am so sick of seeing furious Giants fans treating the draft like the magical cure-all lies just a pick higher than the one we got. No! Our team is incompetent and stupid, and that pick wont matter if we don’t get a lot of other things right! Right now, all I want is Joe Schoen fired. I do not want another 2 years of some wasted coach under a dead regime. That will ruin whoever we pick. Rumors are very high right now that Schoen is sticking around. Why the hell do I want to invest that much emotion into this shit team?
I have no ability to affect the team’s performance. I want them to win football games. I would prefer they figure their shit out and become competitive again. But I see no evidence that getting the #1 pick is guaranteed to accomplish that like these fucking tankers keep suggesting. The only thing I can do is voice my opinion and make small monetary decisions to support them or not. So I’ve just…stopped wanting to be the kind of fan who spends the entire year angry. I will enjoy the wins when they come and hope they make the correct decisions going forward. That’s all I can do.
Sports is supposed to be a distraction. Entertainment. If I can’t enjoy my shitty team beating the crap out of an even shitter team once in a while because of what some unseen future might hold, what am I even doing here? I’ll take what joy I can get when I get it.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I don’t know how long these Bears are for the postseason. Usually a team’s point differential is a good indicator of how good a team actually is, and the Bears point differential is pretty low. They’ve won a remarkable number of games this week on last second heroics. This isn’t sustainable. BUT IT SURE AS HELL RULES TO WATCH EVERY WEEK, I TELL YOU WHAT!
The Bears gave us another chaos masterpiece against the 49ers, starting with a pick 6 and ending with yet another last second desperation play that this time, fell short. In a week with mostly bland experiences, this was a welcome change of pace.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Rivers Tantrum. How I missed you, angry Philip.
–Cam Ward is Cool. Sadly, this play got called back. Still cool as fuck.
–Chase Young gave me a heart attack when he wouldn’t secure the ball on his fumble recovery. Yes, it is very cool you ripped the ball out like that. If the run to the endzone was any longer, it would have gotten popped out of his lose hands. Secure the ball you dope.
–Josh Allen blows it
–Brock Purdy can be really fun when he’s on.
THE VIBE CHECK
– You can tell Mike Vrabel played for the Patriots under Belichick because boy did he sure spend all Sunday making sure the New York Jets achieved nothing but pain and misery. That’s an honest, deeply ingrained hate. The Pats vibes are high. The Jets vibes are a dumpster. Aaron Glenn has not been given a great roster to work with, but compare how the Saints and even the Titans under an interim have looked this year with similar problems. Glenn sucks.
The Bucs, man. They have a chance to go to the postseason and redeem this 1-7 back-half skid of a season, but I don’t want them to. Do you? The Panthers are not particularly good either, but I feel like they are more consistently fun. I’d rather see the world’s smallest man in a playoff game.
The 49ers feel like they are reasonably healthy at the right time. They are dangerous.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
– I watched less football than normal this week so no terrible blown call came to my memory. I’m sure everyone can name a few though. I think the Jags game had a few bad ones.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Last year, in week 17, the Giants balled out against the Colts to secure a lower draft pick. The game was almost assuredly won when they ran back a kickoff for a score. This year, in week 17, after the Raiders managed to crawl within 10, Deonte “bust ass” Banks instantly ran the kickoff back for a score. Poetry is funny.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-I learned this week that the New York Jets have yet to intercept a pass all season. This got a bigger oof out of me than any single play did.
CHAOS WATCH
–Steelers/Ravens has the potential to get extremely stupid. I can’t wait.
-Bucs/Panthers has the potential to get very stupid, and it’ll be a horrible slog to watch. I can’t wait. In fact, get this: if the Falcons beat the Saints and the Bucs beat the Panthers, the Panthers still win the division because all 3 end up with the same record but Carolina has the divisional tiebreakers. We can’t be friends if you don’t desire this outcome.
-Who gets the #1 seed in the NFC? It’ll be fantastic. Sam, you broke the ghost curse against the Rams, can you do it against the 49ers?
FRAUD WATCH
–Debated putting the Giants in sleeper again but I knew that would make everyone mad at me. Despite playing for the top pick and currently sitting at #2, I feel comfortable in the belief that even these idiots are better than the Jets and Titans. The Giants are on par with the Browns.
This year has been a nightmare for the suspicious category because this year has been chaos. Who is good? I don’t know. The Broncos don’t feel like a one seed. The Patriots could be schedule merchants. The Bears are pulling miracles out of their asses. The Bills look like the worst team in the NFL sometimes. The Chargers are injured to hell. The Eagles offense is putrid. The entire AFCN and NFCS. Everyone is a fucking fraud except the teams who just suck ass. Next year I am going to turn the fraud meter into a spectrum graph like the chaos meter.
Did Sam Darnold break the Rams? The Seahawks loss was tough, but then they melt down against the Falcons in the first half, fight back, but then lose anyway. Many people thought the Rams were the best team in the NFL!
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-5 Drives, 5 touchdowns. That’s how the Patriots came out against the Jets. It might have been a score over 100 if Vrabel committed to the bit instead of resting everyone for most of the second half.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Lions didn’t have a lot of hope to start the week, but to go against Max Brosmer and look worse than the Giants did, that’s an accomplishment. Lions gotta figure some shit out for next year.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–They have competition, but this is the Raiders category to lose for the year.
CARTOON BETS FOR WEEK 17
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – USER SUBMISSION WEEK! Name your bet ideas and I pick my favorites! Also, give me an option for both teams winning if you can, because I’m not sure who I am picking yet. Some teams are likely to rest players and such which will affect my choices so I want to wait.
PANTHERS @ BUCS
The Bucs look like dead fish floundering around on cold, hard sand. I don’t want to see this team anymore. Panthers, win this shit.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
My heart wants the Seahawks to win this, but my brain thinks the 49ers end up with it.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COLTS @ TEXANS
I dunno if Old Man Rivers even plays. Why sacrifice yourself against this defense for nothing?
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
BROWNS @ BENGALS
The only thing I want out of this game is Garrett getting the sack record.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
SAINTS @ FALCONS
The Saints. Kinda good now!
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
I assume Love is back for this and while I assume the Pack struggle against that Flores defense, Brosmer is very poopy.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
TITANS @ JAGS
Jaguars hate the Titans and will crush them
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
Giants might put up some points against the Dallas D but that offense is going to rip New York apart.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CARDINALS @ RAMS
Fuck em up, Rams
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
Raiders might actually have a chance with the Chiefs offense being so broken, but I doubt it.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
COMMIES @ EAGLES
Eagles probably just going to fart themselves into another ugly win
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
Patriots dont have a ton to play for, but they probably win anyway.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
LIONS @ BEARS
The Lions are probably going to try to play spoiler and they kicked the Bears ass in week 2, but maybe these later season Bears have more to play for.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
CHARGERS @ BRONCOS
Chargers are resting Herbert so I assume the Broncos just win.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
JETS @ BILLS
Bills going to take out their frustrations on this piece of shit
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
RAVENS @ STEELERS
I don’t know if the Ravens will win this, but I want them to. Fuck off, Rodgers.
If the ____ win, I will draw (YOUR BEST IDEA)
A TIE
If we get a tie, YOUR BEST TIE IDEA
