NFL Players Who Sound Like Star Wars Characters
Happy Star Wars Day to those who celebrate. I usually don’t, but I’ve had this idea knocking around for a while in my brain but I kept missing the May 4th date the past few years.
This is all thanks to Cor’Dale Flott. Flott was a 3rd round CB for the Giants (now a Titan) who was generally an okay player but he got pretty decent this past season and I am sad to see him go. I am also sad for another reason. Every time I heard his name I couldn’t help but think “That’s a Star Wars-ass name”
So I took it upon myself to go through every team roster and find the most Star Wars ass names in the NFL.
What is a Star Wars ass name, anyway? The brand has a variety from cool human characters to strange alien ones, but it generally seems to follow a rule of cool or goofy words that sound close to regular English words, but just off in some way. Han. Leia. Mon Mothma. Lando. Anakin. Nute Gunray. Watto. Holdo. Ashoka. Andor. I don’t know if Lucas/et.all had any sort of naming convention or just vibes. I would bet the latter.
So that’s what I went with. Guys who just had the vibe of a name you’d see in Star Wars. Alliteration is good (like Mon Mothma), but the real kicker was a first name that was short and kinda weird, and also kinda cool. The fewer syllables the better. A lot of guys have one good name for Star Wars, but not both. Someone like Tyler Nubin. Nubin yes, Tyler? No. If he was named Typho Nubin, now that’s Star Wars.
I wanted to make an actual team with a guy at every position but it didn’t really work out. Teams usually only had one or two guys who fit the vibe, so some positions would have felt forced.
Cor’Dale Flott sounds like a junk dealer on Tatooine. Also goofy aliens on Tatooine: Bub Means, Juice Scruggs, Ko Kieft, and Efton Chism
Jaxson Dart sounds like a hotshot pilot, same with Dawson Knox, Skyy Moore, Dane Belton, or Zeek Biggers
Bo Nix sounds like one of the pilots who gets murked in the cool space battle. Same with Rico Dowdle, but Rico becomes a fan favorite because he gets a cool line and then an EU book details how he miraculously survived.
Kelee Ringo sounds like the coolest side character in the (movie/show/game/book/etc).
Payne Durham sounds like a second-rate bounty hunter. Same with Shy Tuttle.
Boye Mafe sounds like a podracer. So does Moro Ojomo, Esa Pole, and YaYa Diaby. I would bet YaYa Diaby has the best pod. Fast but small.
Storm Duck is not actually that Star Wars but I’m just flabbergasted that his name is literally Storm Duck
Poona Ford sounds like a mechanic, so does Bo Richter.
Rock Ya-sin sounds like the leader of a planet that needs help from our heroes
Chaz Chambliss is a politician, so are Claudin Cherelus, Bhayshul Tuten, and Teair Tart
Kwity Paye sounds like a Jedi master who is on the council. Honestly so does Puka Nacua and Segun Olubi.
Chuba Hubbard sounds kinda like a wookie
I have also determined the most Star Wars ass name in the entire league is Cardinals backup QB Kedon Slovis. Tell me that’s an actual person and not a sith who shows up in one extended universe book and gained a cult following amongst people who kinda annoy you. The Lord Slovis cult is strong.
Some honorable mentions that I left off the list but still kinda fit:
Cooper Beebe
Spencer Rattler
Easton Stick
Tyson Bagnet
Corliss Waitman
Tip Reiman
Issac TeSlaa
Blake Grupe
Quinshon Judkins
Paulson Adebo
Gunnar Helm
Cam Skattebo absolutely belongs on this team.
Head Coach: Barkevious Mingo.
Gunnar Helm is a Bagman away from being in Rogue Trooper.
Nakobe Dean sounds like the owner of a cantina on a spaceport somewhere.
Smael Mondon is a senator from a wealthy mid-rim planet.
Efe Obada is a decent Jedi master, not a council member but a respected B-tier guy.
This was a fun read. But how do you, I Giants fan, whiff on Cam Skattebo? You just didn’t want to see him leave?
Are these all government names?
Our local MiLB team Dub Gleed listed on the roster, a good name for a Coruscant petty criminal … but his legal name is William Stanton Gleed.
Storm Duck sounds like a rejected Mega Man X boss.
Since its the 4th and TLJ chatter has been going on the bird app, I’ll just add my two cents here: that movie is the best of the sequels and actually opened the door for a whole new era of Star Wars….but fanboys and bigots whined and Disney pumpfaked with TROJ.
Now we’re just spinning the wheel with stories and TV shows around everything in the main/prequel trilogy, with no real way to move forward and it’s a shame.
PS: Brock Purdy should at least get a honorable mention
Brock Purdy sounds more a fictional movie star from a sitcom (like Dash Riprock of The Beverly Hillbillies).
Brock Purdy is the name of the bully who looks like Zach Wilson in a Disney Channel original
slab hambeef
This gave me a sudden urge to go back and fire up Episode 1 Racer. Gotta check in with Dud Bolt, Slide Paramita, Ebe Endocott and the rest of the crew
Case Cookus
HOW ARE YOU MISSING DAK PRESCOTT.
It is the most Star Wars name in all football, nevermind the Top 35.
“Dak,” yes, absolutely, and I’m fairly certain there is at least one, if not multiple Star Wars EU characters named Dak. “Prescott,” though? Eh, not so much, IMO. Just doesn’t have the right vibe. I’d consider him an honorable mention, as he’s got *half* of a great Star Wars name.
Lick ’em ‘Lacs!
Forget the Star Wars bit, I want to talk about Storm Duck. Specifically, his wiki page says he was named after a character from The Bold & The Beautiful, which REALLY brings me back to my childhood. My mom looooooooved The Young & The Restless and The Bold & The Beautiful, and I would spend so much time in the summers of my youth rolling my eyes and making fun of their names. The Forrester family. Ridge, Brooke, Cliff, Storm, there were more, but I’ve forgotten them. It’s like someone got inspired while watching National Geographic. “Iceberg Forrester, the cold child who was given up for adoption, and his sister, Glacier.”
Back in my day, when Star Wars was just a campy trilogy and a toy line empire that made a bad director and even worse script writer filthy rich – before the dark times when Lucas took the IP and gave it a spinning piledriver, before selling it to Disney and pretending they’re slavers who stole his children. *clears throat* Sorry, where was I? Oh yea, you’d get your Star Wars name by doing this:
Take the first 3 letters of your first name. Add the first 3 letters of your last name. That’s the Star Wars first name. Then take the first 2 letters of your mom’s maiden name. Tack on the first 3 letters of the city you were born in. Bam. Star Wars name complete. I’ll go back outside and yell at the clouds now.
THANK YOU! I was beginning to think I was only person left on the planet who remembered the “Disney are white slavers for giving me $4 billion for Star Wars”. I love Star Wars and will even go to bat for two of the three prequels (and the last 30 minutes of Attack of the Clones) but the blind worship of Lucas never made sense to me even as a kid. Even documentaries produced by the man himself spent more time crediting the actors, SFX team and his wife at the time for salvaging A New Hope than acting like Lucas was the main reason any of it worked.
Dave, my friend, how could you forget Qwan’tez Stiggers.
LOVE this! Spot on with their professions too. Jaxson Dart and Skyy Moore are definitely hotshot pilots who completely disregard their commanding officers to do whatever they want. From the honorable mentions, here’s what I think they do in the Star Wars universe:
Cooper Beebe – he’s actually a droid. His name is really C00P3R-BB, but everyone calls him Cooper Beebe because its too long to say out his actual model name.
Spencer Rattler – Bartender at the Mos Eisley cantina
Easton Stick – Moisture farmer on Tattoine
Tyson Bagnet – He’s an Imperial Governor of a system.
Corliss Waitman – He is a Chandrilan banker.
Tip Reiman – This is a Twi-lek spy, and this is not his real name. His real name is Ree Toqema.
Issac TeSlaa – He is an ISB officer.
Blake Grupe – He is an arms dealer of questionable repute
Quinshon Judkins – He’s one of many
Paulson Adebo – He is a librarian/historian from the Jedi Temple.
Gunnar Helm – He is a Nemodian from the Trade Federation.
Some other ones I like:
Azeez Al-Shaair – He is a Mandalorian, and specifically a member of Death Watch
Barkevious Mingo – he’s retired but this name just screams Trandoshan bounty hunter
Just realized I hit enter too soon on Quinshon Judkins. I meant to say he is one of many bureaucrats on Coruscant who went from working for the republic to working for the empire then back to the republic and really just does not see the difference between either.
Now we need an all Key & Peele team. I’ve been wanting to build that roster for years.
EFTON CHISM MENTIONED