In case you think I photo-shopped that final panel, no. The Sexy Rexy Rose is real.

I was wandering around the Portland International Rose Test Garden this weekend and my mom spotted a little label that seemed like fate. The rose hadn’t yet bloomed, but I posted it anyway, thinking it was a funny name. Thanks to a comment by alchemistmuffin, I find out that this rose is very much a real type of rose. For the low low price of 18 bucks, you too could have a rose of the sexiest man alive.

If I wasn’t renting my current place you better believe I’d have bought 4 and started making a garden with them.

Incredible. Real life is better than fiction.

The thorns on that thing are probably bigger than the leaves. When they pierce your skin, they go deep. The Rose smell makes you pregnant with just a whiff. And yes, this includes the males who smell it. I am pregnant right now, even though the rose hadn’t yet bloomed. I’ll keep it. I will name him baby sexy. It is of course a boy. If it is a girl the baby is born pregnant, which has medical complications. Sexy Rexy gives off mostly male babies because he knows male babies could never grow up to compete with him, and will thus die out.

In all honesty I wonder what Sexy Rexy is up to these days. He never found a team after the Falcons and that was the most recent news I can find of the guy. Maybe he’s just taking it easy and impregnating fewer folks. Everyone slows down past 30. His most recent tweet was in 2016. The world is a lesser place without Rex Grossman news. We miss you, Sexy Rexy. Anyone who uses that nickname to refer to Rex Ryan is a huge butthole and deserves nothing good in life.

Gonna be a long dry offseason fellas, two recent comics with a lot of dicks in them. That usually only happens when things get bad. We need a real dumb thing to happen soon, none of the serious drama stuff but something really dumb.