CARTOON BETS WEEK 11 – Classic Albums Week
LETS TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHAOMETER
It was not a very big week for chaos. For the most part, nothing was surprising at all, and any potentially surprising teams moved back to normal, like the Packers. The Vikings even got burned in a classic straight blowout. The Lions have won 3 straight and now sit in second place in the NFCNorth, which is pretty fun. The Eagles flirted with disaster but ultimately fought off Jeff Saturday. The Saints continue to be my worst enemy of the season. The Broncos got swept by the woeful Raiders and they still can’t score 18 points. The Broncos once again showed an absolute mastery of the clock by calling a pass play with 2 minutes left that Russ threw away. The Raiders had no timeouts. If the Broncos run the ball there, or even if Russ just takes the damn sack, the clock runs down another 40 seconds and the Raiders can’t do anything. Instead, the Raiders got a full 1:53 to move the ball into field goal range and go to overtime. Broncos. Not even once.
I’m giving Chaos of the Week to Jets/Pats. For 59 minutes and 30 seconds, it was exactly the kind of slog you’d expect. Two bad QBs who suck getting stifled by two good defenses in cold weather. The thing about those kinds of games is that for as bad as they are, they get exciting towards the end because eventually, someone does the one big thing that wins the game for a team. Usually, it’s just a big run or pass play to get into field goal range. This one shook us all by ending on what was essentially a walk-off punt return. Absolutely hilarious.
GIANTS CORNER: The magic on the season was going to run out eventually and this was as good a week as any to lose it. The Lions figured out how to beat this team: make Daniel Jones throw the ball. The Giants cannot score points quickly. They are built to grind down opponents with Saquon and a good defense. If the defense has a bad day and Saquon is bottled up (as they were against Detroit), the Giants have no chance. Daniel Jones is not the guy, and the lack of weapons prevents him from even trying to be. I think the Giants are going to lose more games than they win in the second half of the season, but I’m not too mad about it. The season already gave me more hope than I would have suspected going in.
CHAOS WATCH: The Falcons and Bears are baffling. The Falcons are playing decent football despite the fact that they feel like they absolutely shouldn’t be. The Bears are kind of the opposite. They were a bad team, then Justin Fields got reset and they turned into a fun football team, but now that Fields is actually balling out…they can’t win. Neither of these teams makes a ton of sense, and it makes watching them very exciting.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: The Rams might be suffering the worst post-SB win season I can remember in a decade. Just an awful team to watch this season.
NOW LETS GET TO THE PICKS
WEEK 12 – THANKSGIVING WEEK
BILLS @ LIONS
Hey…this might be fun! The Bills came back to form against the Browns but the Lions have found some life! Also, fun fact: the Bills are going to be playing football in Ford Field twice in 4 days.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell in an apron, serving you delicious kneecaperolle
GIANTS @ COWBOYS
The Cowboys are going to slaughter the Giants, I’m afraid to even watch this
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll carving Mike McCarthy
PATRIOTS @ VIKINGS
Well, the Vikings might get themselves a bounce-back game because the Patriots offense absolutely sucks.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones as a pilgrim
TEXANS @ DOLPHINS
Watching Texans football is like watching a boring snuff film. It’s not even exciting in its scandalousness.
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills neck made out of jiggly cranberry sauce
BENGALS @ TITANS
Can the Titans continue to annoy teams and win? Can they avenge their playoff loss? I am saying…yes.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow eating a nice slice of Skyline Chili Pie
BRONCOS @ PANTHERS
Finally, the Broncos meet a team that probably won’t put up 18 points on them.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Russ cooked flawlessly, with moist delicious tender meat and a crispy, salty, buttery skin
BEARS @ JETS
What happens when a movable object (the Bears defense) meets a stoppable force (the Jets offense)? I think the Bears win it.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson at the kids table, not eating his lima beans
FALCONS @ COMMANDERS
The Commanders figured out Carson Wentz sucks and are better for it.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Arthur Smith getting an apple cider bath
BUCS @ BROWNS
The Jacoby Brissett era of the Browns has been extremely forgettable. Outside shanking the Chargers game-winner, I struggle to even remember a Browns moment so far this year.
If the Browns win, I will draw Jacoby riding off into the sunset on a turkey
RAVENS @ JAGUARS
The Jaguars are bad. The Ravens are pretty mediocre. This is not a game that I think I’ll spend much time watching.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence pouring gravy on himself in a very sexy way that will alarm you but also entice you
RAIDERS @ SEAHAWKS
Go Geno Go
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car cooking a pumpkin pie on his hood
CHARGERS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals are a waste of time
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray diving into a bowl of mashed potatoes
SAINTS @ 49ERS
Please 49ers let me get a Saints game right I’m actually bored of drawing them
If the Saints win, I will draw Taysom Hill stuffing a cooked Jimmy
RAMS @ CHIEFS
Chiefs. Rams are sad.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay falling asleep in his favorite chair
PACKERS @ EAGLES
Eagles don’t look as good these past two weeks, but the Packers are balls!
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers enjoying thanksgiving without his family
STEELERS @ COLTS
CAN THE SATURDAY EXPERIENCE HOLD UP ON MONDAY? Fuck it. Lets go.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Kenny Pickett wearing VR for cyber monday
TIE GAME
Both QBs as pecan and pumpkin pies arguing about which one is better
Jets-Pats was just Super Bowl 53 with a more fitting ending to 55+ minutes of sheer offensive incompetence. New England actually moved the ball fairly well, but just forgot how to football once they crossed midfield. The Jets, however, were physically incapable of getting a single first down, especially in the 2nd half. They had zero snaps past their own 35 yard line after halftime. The fact that they were even in the game at all is a miracle.
Yeah, Wilson threw like 5 almost- interceptions. Could have been a blowout.
Nick Folk missing two kicks because Foxboro winds, untimely penalties, and crushing mistakes by the OL (plus a few very bad sacks taken by Mac) made a tie game feel like a soft blowout. The only tension came from the extremely unlikely chance that the Jets offense *might* catch a break and see a busted coverage or a big hole open up for their RBs, neither of which happened. Though, even if they got the former, I think Zach Wilson would have still found a way to chuck it into the stands.
>Watching Texans football is like watching a boring snuff film.
Thank you for making me burst out laughing at 6AM. Hope I didn’t wake the neighbors.
Rooting for the Raiders because I hate the Seahawks, but also because I want to see that comic.
Pumpkin pie is far superior. Pecan pie is waaaay too sweet.
Maggot Brain did not disappoint.
Nice Thriller you have there, Dave. Saved the best for yourself I see
Pecan pie is better
The eight pointed star…nice. These cartoons were fantastic
I was really hoping to see Justin “Ziggy Stardust” Herbert. Damn chefs.
Why the QBs? I don’t care about who on the team fans care about, I just want some variation!
When Dave Uses Other Positions:
RB – only if Derrick Henry
DT – only if Aaron Donald
DE – only if JJ Watt
What would makes sense is if the cartoon prompts were something like if (team) win I will draw (player I can’t possibly identify yet who made big play/sealed the deal) doing (silly thing no one in their right mind would consider).
Hey Dave, if the Vikings do win, can you draw Turkey Arif escaping thanksgiving doom?