CARTOON PICKS WEEK 13 – GO GIANTS MOTHERFUCKERS
WOOOO MOTHERFUCKERS That is legitimately the best win I’ve seen in like 4 years. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be jazzed after a win instead of just kind of pleased because we beat some bottom feeder. Great fucking win. This season is already a success after that. The only way I can’t come across optimistic for the future is if we fall apart in spectacular fashion the likes of which I haven’t seen before.
I won’t even be mad if they miss the playoffs. I’m willing to give this squad another year. Gettleman’s moves this offseason have actually turned out great, even Leonard Williams has made that terrible trade pan out. Rookies are contributing, the line has begun to gel, even Garrett’s playcalling has found a rhythm. Patrick Graham has been a miracle worker at DC and no one better hire him away from us. Not yet. Let us get better first. Judge has this team buying in and if we do reach the playoffs and win a game I think he deserves coach of the year chatter. Not to win, but to hear his name in there with some respect.
Fuck Evan Engram still though.
I also finally got a Vikings game right! It was close, but I got it! Thank the heavens. We almost had both the Jaguars and Jets win at the same time but thankfully they both managed to Jets and Jags away their wins. The Jets, man, what a disaster. They had it. I saw this pointed out on twitter but we can’t blame this on tanking. None of these coaches are going to be here next season. Many of the players have their jobs in jeopardy. This isn’t an attempt to tank because for the people here there is no incentive to. Gase doesn’t have immunity in a long-term plan like Hue did. This season is the Jets legitimately failing in all facets of the game. That makes it even worse.
It took Taysom Hill 3 starts but hey, dude finally threw a TD pass. Took 3 weeks for the future of the franchise to throw a TD on a stacked top seed team.
It started bad, but I ended up doing real good today. Sorry folks. But we still got 3 games to go as I write this, so we might have some more show up!
LETS LOOK TOWARDS THE NEW WEEK. These might be updated over the next few days as well, since 3 games still haven’t been played as I write this Sunday night and performances may effect my judgements.
PATRIOTS @ RAMS
The Patriots delivered a vintage NE smackdown on a rookie last week and are still fringe playoff contenders, but I have to have faith. I have to. The Rams control the NFCW right now and a win over the Pats would be absolutely huge. Maybe Sean McVay can gain a little redemption.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick sucking the soul out of Sean McVay
TITANS @ JAGUARS
The Titans are definitely not quite as complete a team as I want them to be but my boys are still good. Another team would have given up the ghost after letting the Browns style on them that badly, but they never gave up the fight even when they didn’t stand much chance. I respect these boys. I might be a Titans fan. Maybe I like teams named for Large Men. The Jaguars are shit and don’t even want to win.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Mike Glennon swallowing Derrick Henry like a snake
VIKINGS @ BUCS
Finally, I feel like I can fairly confidently call a Vikings outcome. Should they lose this? Yes. Could they win this? It’s not out of the realm of possibility. But I finally feel kinda okay. Maybe I just had to break that curse.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins peeing on Tom Brady, a’la the “Calvin peeing” bumper stickers
CHIEFS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins are winning games and for my money Brian Flores is coach of the year, but they still feel a little more mortal then they should be. They can’t compete with the big boys yet, but they are getting there next season at this rate.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Grand Theft Win, Vice City
BRONCOS @ PANTHERS
The Broncos continue to be a void of charisma and lack any real identity. I thought Fangio would be a great coach but so far he seems like the classic “brilliant coordinator but it doesn’t translate into being a good HC” stereotype. Panthers refuse to be an easy out, but they aren’t good.
If the Panthers win, I will draw a large Bronco scared by a small black cat
TEXANS @ BEARS
The Bears are in free fall and are struggling to win literally anything. The Texans are bad, but they sure do try, and DeShaun deserves better.
If the Bears win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky flouting his draft position
CARDINALS @ GIANTS
I still don’t have enough faith that Colt McCoy is good enough to keep things up, even if the defense absolutely can. The Cardinals are mortal though, and a Giants win here doesn’t feel as crazy as it might have a couple weeks ago.
If the Giants win, I will draw Terminator 2: Joe Judgement Day
COWBOYS @ BENGALS
I hate to say it but I just feel like Dalton is going to put on a show to spite Cincy even though there was no real bad blood by the end there.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Andy Dalton being sad that he always loses in Cincy
COLTS @ RAIDERS
Raiders deserve no benefit of the doubt after almost blowing it to the Jets. THE JETS.
If the Raiders win, I will draw the Raiders Roomba sucking up the Lucas Oil Barn
JETS @ SEAHAWKS
If the Seahawks lose this game they should be immediately banned from playoff contention
If the Jets win, I will draw Russ sitting in a bathtub, about to drop the toaster in
PACKERS @ LIONS
Good for the Lions. They got that amazing first win in the post-Patty era. Shame they will still be irrelevant the rest of the year.
If the Lions win, I will draw the state of Michigan bludgeoning the state of Wisconsin with it’s own upper peninsula
FALCONS @ CHARGERS
What happens when two teams who are dedicated to shooting themselves in their own feet meet? We get to find out!
If the Falcons win, I will draw Anthony Lynn shooting himself in the foot
TEAM @ 49ERS
The 49ers refuse to just give up the ghost of this lost season and pack it in. The Team still hasn’t been good against teams that aren’t the Cowboys, Eagles, or Bengals.
If the Team wins, I will draw Alex Smith flipping the 49ers logo the bird
SAINTS @ EAGLES
Even with Taysom Tebow at QB the Saints are just too stacked to lose this. They might not lose until their scheduled embarrassment in the playoffs. EDIT: JALEN HURTS IS GONNA PLAY! I do not expect this to change the outcome.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Sean Peyton pooped on by an Eagle
STEELERS @ BILLS
Please Bills, just don’t let the damn Yinzers go 16-0. I can’t pick you, but I want you. EDIT: YOU WONT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen turning Ben into a snowman
RAVENS @ BROWNS
Okay Browns. This is it. The Ravens have been reeling and aren’t the same team you met week 1. You win this, you probably solidify your playoff bid. I believe in you. I do. Make us proud, Browns.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Crab pinching the brownie elf in half
The Unpredictable Pats back at it again. Only the 2020 Patriots would win a game 45-0 in which their starting QB went 12/19 for 69 yards (nice) passing.
In all seriousness, sheesh. Anthony Lynn actually needs to go after a loss like that. I get that Belichick is dominant against rookie QBs and all that but there is zero excuse for losing a game like that to anyone. I wouldn’t even blame that on Herbert. For the second week in a row, special teams turned out to be the difference, and the Chargers’ special teams unit was abysmal yesterday.
It was downright moronic how incredibly house they were on D/ST. Performances like that just plain shouldn’t be allowed.
Exactly. Correct me if I’m wrong but at least 17 (I think it’s 21, but I’ll say 17) of New England’s points came directly off of special team’s mistakes by the Chargers. I don’t care how trash this Patriots team is, you will never beat a Bill Belichick coached team playing like that on special teams, especially when you’re starting a rookie at QB. Lynn should have been fired at halftime after that kick was blocked and returned for a TD.
I still can’t believe how many times they fielded the wrong number of players (10 and 12) on those ST plays
the covids are multiplying in your cover photos
and irl
“If the Jets win, I will draw Russ sitting in a bathtub, about to drop the toaster in”
So you’re letting Russ cook? That’s dark Dave. Funny, but dark.
Man, if the Browns beat the Ravens there’s a legitimate chance that we see a 12-3 Browns team go up against a 15-0 Steelers team in a game where their playoff seeds are set and there’s nothing to play for except pride. Neither of those coaches will rest their starters under those circumstances, and both those teams have long memories. That will be a very ugly game.
I still would have liked to have seen Nick Chubb arm wrestling Derrick Henry. Stoically.
I liketh neither the Browns nor the Steelers, but I would absolutely watch that game, start to finish.
I guess not anymore, but now there’s the even better possibility of a 12-3 Browns team hosting a 12-3 Steelers team with the division (and possibly the bye) on the line in week 17.
As much as I’d love to see my Browns beat the Ravens, I just don’t see it happening. The play like crap against their divisional opponents every time
I’ll give a pass on week one of the season, with a new head coach, with no preseason, against a team that went to the playoffs the year before
maybe, just maybe, this can be the end of that “play like crap against the division” narrative; let’s go Baker and Chubb!
I know the players are never tanking… but that last play call sure looked like Gregg Williams raising his hand saying he can guide the Jets to an 0-fer record just as much as Gase can.
I guess not anymore, he can’t.
Gase getting rid of the threat
“If the Dolphins win, I will draw Grand Theft Win, Vice City”
I know I say this every week, but I have never wanted a game outcome more than this one.
It’s funny, because I’ve been wearing my NY Giants gear on zoom calls most of the season and getting made fun of for it by my Jets and Pats fan coworkers. And I kept telling them, “Dudes, the Jints have been competitive until the closing seconds of every single game, but for the one against the 9ers.” And they all laughed. They’re not laughing this morning. Well, the Pats fans are laughing, but that’s because they’re pretending they always thought Belichick was the genius, contrary to the Brady rectal cleansing they were performing 3 weeks ago. X’D
In addition to the hilarity of Colt McCoy and Alfred Morris leading the Giants to victory in 2020, I just realized yesterday that we have both an Eli (Penny) and a (Carter) Coughlin! *strips clothes and runs outside in the rain*. WE ARREEE INVIIIIIIIIIIINCIIIIIIIIIIIIBLE!!!!!!!
If the Lions lose will you still draw that if I pay you?
Oddly enough the UP was originally supposed to go to Wisconsin. It was essentially a comp draft pick for Michigan after they lost the Toledo strip to Ohio in the 1830s.
As a Seahawks fan, what the fuck
The BYU CCU game was the best game all weekend. Reminded me(and everyone else) of the rams titans super bowl. I was pulling for BYU because I really like Zach Wilson. On a side note, my fantasy team has gotten under 70 points in the last two weeks.
It feels crazy that this far along in the regular season, there’s still a real chance that we get both a 0-16 and a 16-0 team at the end of it. Both kinds of “perfect” season, in a way.
(Also, psst, you forgot to underline “Browns” in your Ravens at Browns prediction.)
UPDATE: Well dang, this comment became out-of-date already. Like what, eight hours after I posted it? GG Steelers.
In other news, drawings of various buildings and US states beating each other up are starting to become a trend. I like it.
You have to pick against the Ravens the rest of the year, the world needs more Lamar Crab
A Monday Night Football haiku:
HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA Steelers
*clapping* True art.
New suggestion: If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen smashing through a table labeled ‘Playoff Bye’
Well now we get to see the Washington Monument punching the Cathedral of Learning. Might we see Yosemite Sam too?
LMAO Steelers
LOL, I misread your prediction earlier… came here tonight expecting to see the *Washington National Cathedral* doing some ass-kicking. That Pittsburgh cathedral building is pretty awesome… never knew it existed until you drew it… that’s certainly a tall building for a college campus!
Second tallest university building in the world and fourth tallest education building, according to Wikipedia.
ABSOLUTELY TRUE FACT
I met Spilly — yes, that Spilly — in the Cathedral of Learning many many oh god how many years ago.
hmmmm I’m looking to the draft now I am wondering Diontae Johnson and a first (maybe a 3rd as well) to the Jets for their (1st) pick I mean
Big Ben’s getting old and maybe the jets will want to roll with Darnold one more time with proper weapons (I mean what’s Trevor Lawrence gonna do if he has no weapons)
I’m just spitballing here lol
Not a chance the jest trade out of the first overall pick if they get it
Why would the Jets give up the first overall pick for roughly 1/3 of its value when they’ve worked so hard to get it?
Woooo, we’re getting another Raiders cartoon!
I want to see Russell Wilson committing toaster bath, but of course, it won’t happen!