Low key one of the biggest double takes I’ve had all year was seeing Bill Belichick in a Subway commercial. The commercials are almost understated. Someone has gross greasy fast food, and then Bill Belichick appears, stands there, and the person realizes the error of their ways and eats Subway instead. The ads completely lean into Belichick’s entire grumpy stoic persona and basically just have him stand there, with maybe 10 words spoken at most. It would be a perfectly acceptable piece of background commercial you could ignore the fact that holy shit, did…Bill Belichick just do a commercial?

I can’t say I ever thought Billy would have the patience to do an ad campaign, even one that clearly required as minimal effort as these ads do. They basically paid him to stand there with his usual dry face. Even when Belichick is genuinely engaged he’s incredibly dry and grumpy looking. I saw some folks defending Bill on the previous comic but no. Even when Belichick is happy and excited, he still has the same grumpy face and exact same affect in his voice. Honestly his media contempt persona is one of his most visual and auditory tones. I’ve watched a lot of Belichick media because I find him hilarious and fascinating and even when he was watching his own daughter get married he still had the same basic face on. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen his eyebrows go up. Even getting choked up about his time in NY his voice pretty much stays flat the whole time. The only time his voice changes is when he’s yelling. If you didn’t know who Belichick was and watched an interview with him, you’d think he was the dullest, most boring man on the planet. An absolute void of charisma. He’s not, but it takes a lot of time to realize that.

None of this is me judging him, I love our grumpy football overlord. I just never took him to have the patience to do a fucking Subway ad.

Also of note, Billy’s friend Nick Saban is also doing commercials, for Aflac. Another guy I thought would have no patience for this kinda thing. Maybe in their annual meetup they made a pact to sell out this season. These, imo, are significantly worse. Subway was at least smart enough to know who they were dealing with and leaned into Belichick’s persona and lack of charisma. Aflac makes Nick Saban try to act, and the results are painful.

Since I apparently make a comic about the commercials at least once per season we may as well use this post to complain about the rest.

TONY ROMO CORONA ADS – If I hear that LIME TIME chant one more time I might murder someone. These ads are a complete waste of Tony’s charisma. Dude belongs on TV but they give him nothing of value to work with.

STATE FARM ADS – State farm’s weird ad campaign where Aaron Rodgers and Mahomes are friends with their insurance agent and hang out piss me off. Nobody would be friends with their insurance agent. Nobody likes their insurance company. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t even like his family, he would not hang out with Jake from State Farm. They’ve even managed to run Mahomes putting ketchup on steak into the ground.

GEICO BAIT AND SWITCHES – Geico continues their outstanding marketing strategy of having commercials that are charming and witty the first time you seen them and then by the end of the game you’ve seen them 20 times and you hate them. That Casper one especially. I don’t mind the Aunts and Fencing ones as much, because I’m a sucker for a good pun and that is exactly the kind of stupid ad I would write.

BAKER MAYFIELD AT HOME – Not gonna lie, these are probably the best insurance ads in a while. Baker is great on camera and the gimmick has a lot of mileage. Huge step up from anything Flo related, who I want to throw in a pit.

NFL SHOP ADS – they picked two much better songs this year than THE CHAMP IS HERE, as such, they are okay, if too frequent as usual.

NFL SOCIAL JUSTICE ADS – honestly not too bad as far as these normally go, far better than “No More”, but I can’t help but laugh at the one that starts with “RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN THE BLACK COMMUNITY AND THE POLICE ARE HISTORICALLY COMPLEX” because I can tell he wants to be way harsher than that but he can’t because the NFL is footing the bill and he has to be as diplomatic as possible. It’s still more of an effort than I expected overall.

CAMPBELLS SOUP – the ad with Kevin Harlan announcing the dad jumping over toys is cute, but I take exception to the “SOUP THAT EATS LIKE A MEAL”. It doesn’t. Campells chunky sucks. Progresso soups are better, fight me

PIZZA HUT – Every time I hear the commercial say “no one out-pizza’s the hut” my mind immediately flashes to Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs, who is disgusting, and makes me hate Pizza Hut even more, who I already do not like.

CAR COMMERCIALS – they are all shit, every year, forever. There are no good car commercials. There will never be good car commercials. Fuck car companies. The worst offender of all is that stupid truck ad where the young 30-something husband and the 30-something wife who are beautiful are sitting in their multi-million dollar mansion, and he’s bought two massive fucking trucks without her knowledge (an insane amount of money) and she takes the one he wanted. That ad makes me want to scream and firebomb every car dealership. Eat the Rich.

LARRY FITZGERALD ROCKET MORTGAGE – honestly these are extremely milquetoast and worthless. Always happy to see my man Larry.

DAK SLEEP NUMBER BEDS – I just feel sad watching Dak walk around in those ads knowing what happened to him

PEYTONVILLE NATIONWIDE ADS – fire them into the sun. Peyton made one good nationwide ad (the first one where he hums the jingle) and every single one since has been an unfunny nightmare that has, for me, tarnished his legacy

I’m sure there are more ads but those are the ones I can think of right now. What you got?