The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This is going to rightfully be an extremely NFC-East heavy post. I imagine you understand why, because holy shit. The most overexposed division in football is back to being the NFC Least, and the comedy has arrived with it. The Cowboys got us started off with a vintage Cowboys primetime meltdown game the likes of which we haven’t seen since… (checks notes) Week 1. Multiple tipped-ball INTs for Dak, a disgraceful defense against the 0-4 Bucs starting an undrafted rookie, and a good old-fashioned Jerry tantrum. But the NFC Least wasn’t done. The next scheduled game was Jags/Eagles in London. The Eagles got lucky and faced a jet-lagged Jags squad firing on maybe half cylinders. The Eagles managed a go-ahead field goal with a mere 8 seconds left to win it…except they then allowed a massive return and a field goal attempt anyway, giving the Jaguars a moment for the memories.

But the division saved the best for last. Pitting the last-place Commanders fresh off a Seattle victory against the stumbling first-place Giants in a rainstorm, the hype for a real stinker was palpable. Jayden returned to looking like his true self, scrambling for insane yards and two major TDs because the Giants still don’t know how to tackle him. The Giants fought back from down 14 in the 4th to tie it and gained control in overtime. But due to a couple of previous misses, the team wanted to get as close as they could to the uprights before attempting a field goal and Skattebo lost the ball. The Commies instantly ran down the field into easy field goal range and that’s when the worst time management since Eberflus came back like a phoenix. The Commies had 50 seconds to do whatever they wanted. Apparently what they decided on was to waste 40 of those seconds standing around, run a vertical play that should have resulted in a quick out but Daniels instead scrambled into a tackle and they had no timeouts. Game over. Redzone must have replayed the ending 10 times over the next three hours. *chefs kiss*.

As for the rest of the league? Honestly who cares. The 49ers outlasted the Hawks in a classic match. The Ravens pulled it off over the Falcons in OT when Tua had to come in and go 3/3, only the final pass was to the wrong team.

The Broncos outfarted the dismal Chargers. The Pats got their mojo back against Vegas. The Lions took care of the Cardinals; the Bengals ate the Dolphins. The Vikings continue to destroy offenses while having none themselves. The Packers finally got their shit together and the Steelers out-midded the Colts. The Jets topped us off with a nice rejection of the redemption with a solid win over Cleveland.

And then, like a nice dessert brought out on the house before we left, the Bills had another game of the year contender against LA. The game was mostly sluggish until the late 3rd/4th when it suddenly exploded. After the coward McVay played for overtime, he was rewarded with more special teams failure on a blocked kick and then Moose doing Moose things to set up the winning kick with plenty of time. Take notes, Washington, that’s how you do it.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I mean, how do I choose? It’s the NFC Least baby. We are so back. Cowboys/Bucs was clownball, Eagles/Jags was slogball with a comedy ending, and Giants/Commies was fartball with a constipation ending. The entire division went without a win in a week where two of the teams literally played each other. Nobody does it like the NFCE, man.

GIANTS CORNER
–I love Cam Skattebo as a personality but he’s not a very good runningback, and he’s turning into a fumble machine. Every Giants RB has fumbled this year, we need to run them all through the Tom Coughlin clinic. Without his stupid fumble in the redzone with the game basically won, the Giants actually move to 4-1 instead of escaping with a hilarious half-win.

And I say half-win, meaning it. Ties are technically half-loss too but ask anyone who has been part of a tie: you can feel like you won it or lost it. The Giants “won” that tie. They were down two scores in the 4th, fought back to tie it, and were somehow the less stupid team in overtime. To have choked away that moment at the end sucks, but the GMen are still on top of shit mountain and Commies fans are all having a valid crashout as their team very much lost that tie in legendary fashion.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Jags return
–Tie Game!
–Rams special teams strike again

THE VIBE CHECK
– Despite not winning, the Giants absolutely came out of the week with the best vibes for the division, most of us manically laughing at how it all went down.
-The Patriots are back. Fuck.
-The Texans got a win and traded for MHJR, so that’s hype, though Im not sure it’ll work out.
-Aaron Glenn isn’t a good coach, but he is a fun vibes guy. Love that for him.
-The Rams super team is 2-3 and it keeps getting funnier

-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
-I can’t be too mad because it ultimately led to the tie, but the DPI on Washington that allowed NY to score 3 plays later was weak as hell.
-There has also been some controversy over the Kupp 4th down at the end of Seattle/SF. Kupp appears to reach over the line to gain as he goes out. I think the call was correct as the ball goes out of bounds where it crosses the plane of bounds, not where the ball is when the player touches, but it was kind of inexcusable to not have better working camera angles of the play.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
– Jefferson wins the triple coverage after two saints hit each other
–Fuck off, redemption arc

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–Tua. Man. 

CHAOS WATCH
–Now that the Patriots and Packers are “back” we might have to keep an eye on them as not being so bad as previously thought.
-I’m also very curious to see how MHJR fits the Texans, if at all. The passing game has not been the problem in Houston.
-The Lions and Vikings are interesting cases. I wish I could combine these two into a super team of the Lions offense and the Vikings defense. I’m sitting here wondering which team will figure out the bad half first, and my guess is Vikings. All they need is a mid-offense with this nightmare defense and they could go places.

WHAT 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
–Deebo

FRAUD WATCH
–The Bears. I do not trust Chicago at all. Also the Vikings. Hell, the NFCN is just an entire division of frauds in some capacity.
-Bo Nix is our new captain checkdown. Broncos make me sad.
-The Patriots have woken back up.
-I think the Seahawks loss to the commies was a fluke, and they held firm with San Francisco. They are still a class of the NFC.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-Mike Ditka RIP. The Bears in week 5 RIP.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Bears dropping trou is bad, but divisional games are wonky at heart. The Cowboys were at home for a Thursday game, against a winless Bucs team with a dead coach walking, and that team was starting an undrafted rookie at QB. As Al Michaels said on the broadcast between whiskey swigs: this is a can’t lose game. They lost it. Even after the Bucs tried to give it up.

CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-THE ENTIRE NFC EAST. HOW CAN I EVEN CHOSE? The Cowboys melt down in primetime against a winless Bucs team starting an undrafted rookie. The Eagles choke away a game winning drive by giving up a massive special teams gaffe. The Giants and Commanders TIED after Skattebo fumbles and Jayden Daniels runs out of time. Masterpiece. The NFCLeast is so back.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Chargers are going to win a game at some point. The Dolphins feel like they can win a game with some luck. The Titans may legitimately not win a single game.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – ANIME CHIBI WEEK!

SEAHAWKS @ BONCOS
The Broncos have been mostly a disappointment this year.
If the Broncos win, I will draw a Bonix Chibi

TEXANS @ JAGS
The Texans tend to own this rivalry and the Jags are inconsistent. Plus, I want to draw Sexy Trevor, so I’m selling my logical pick for the laughs instead.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw sexy Trevor Chibi

BEARS @ FALCONS
The Falcons are frustrating because if Penix is back there, they rule. If anyone else is back there, they suck. The Bears are also inconsistent as hell. I’ll take the home Falcons for now and might have to change it depending on injury news.
If the Bears win, I will draw Chibi Caleb

RAVENS @ BROWNS
Ravens, please continue to keep the redemption arc to a minimum.
If the Browns win, I will draw a Denzel Boston Chibi

TITANS @ COLTS
The Colts are so mid. Maybe the most mid. The Titans are the most ass.
If the Titans win, I will draw a Robert Saleh Chibi

JETS @ PATS
I’m glad Aaron Glenn got his win last week because he ain’t gonna get it this week.
If the Jets win, I will draw Geno Chibi

SAINTS @ GIANTS
The Giants reign of bad football has to come home to roost sometime, and the Saints are good enough.
If the Giants win, I will draw Chibi Skattebo

PANTHERS @ EAGLES
Please Panthers, stunt on these hoes. Unfortunately this is the kind of stupid game the Eagles win.
If the Panthers win, I will draw normal Bryce Young 

STEELERS @ BUCS
The Steelers are a deeply uninteresting football team.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Bucky Irving Chibi

CARDINALS @ RAMS
Hams over Shards
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Chibi Trey McBride

CHARGERS @ CHIEFS
How do the Chiefs keep getting away with this shit? They have one down year and the Broncos and Chargers ascended, now one year later the Broncos and Chargers are shit and the Raiders aren’t there yet. It’s the AFCE during the Patriots run all over again.
If the Chargers win, I will draw happy Chibi Herbie

BILLS @ RAIDERS
Bills I guess. Big test for NuRaiders.
If the Raiders win, Phat Dumpy Chibi

COWBOYS @ PACKERS
I hope the Packers are back, just for this game. I’ll go with them as faith.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Chibi CeeDee

COMMIES @ 49ERS
The Brandon Aiyuk agony game.
If the Commies win, I will draw Chibi 5

BYES: Bengals, Lions, Dolphins, Vikings

A TIE
If we get a tie, TWO CHIBIS

Small notice: I finally updated the Titans logo on the chaos report, but I will exercise my refusal to update the Rams logo, because for some reason they made it worse. Fuck you, Rams. The LA logo is already kinda lame but you removed the color dynamics? Who thought this was a good update?