The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–The final undefeated has fallen. Not that these Vikings were going to go the distance. The Vikings have committed themselves to unwatchable offense in every game…for both teams. I’m starting to think Kevin O’Connell does not deserve his reputation as an offensive guru.

The week got started with a relatively normal TNF game. The Panthers never stood a solid chance because the key to beating Green Bay is abusing the offensive line. The Panthers have no defense, so Jordan Love was fine. The Panthers fired DC Ejiro Evero right after the game, which feels a bit kneejerk to me. It’s not like they have a lot of talent.

The early slate delivered the goods. The Ravens instantly fell apart (literally on Lamars first play) and the Bills then performed mop up duty. Vikings/Lions was the slog that every Vikings game turns into, but the Lions managed to figure out enough to pull through. Kyler sucks. Raiders/Jets was far more entertaining than it had any right to be. The Jags pantsed the Colts, who appear to have given up. The Steelers stomped the life out of Watson (neat!) and the nasty man is the most sacked QB in the league. How’s it feel to be touched when you don’t want to be, asshole?

I was worried that the Cardinals would finally lose the streak of wins at Jerryworld, but they came through with a late game comeback overtime win to further embarrass the Cowboys. The Cardinals are 5-0 at Jerryworld, and 9-1 against the Cowboys overall in the last 10 games. Astoundingly weird.

The Titans fresh off the Jeffrey Simmons trade, put up their best game of the season anyway. They came up short in the end, but they went toe to toe with the Bengals. Maybe a moral victory, we’ll see.

The Late Slate was mid. The Rams handled the Chargers with ease, the Patriots outlasted the Dolphins despite some fireworks, and the Broncos reaffirmed their defense is amazing with a big final stand against Mahomes.

Eagles/Commanders was vile, unwatchable football. Bears/Seahawks was pretty good. Bears legit.

GIANTS CORNER
–There is a lot of chatter about the Giants trading for Jonathan Taylor. I’m mixed about that. He’s better than any of the RBs on the roster but this team should not be going all in with the cost. I’d rather the team build a little more through themselves in the draft. We aren’t close enough to being truly competitive to make a move like that.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–We had a few good choices, namely Bengals/Titans and Cardinals/Cowboys, but is there any other truly fitting choice? The Buccaneers won a game without completing a single pass, the first time that has happened since 1974. Baker finished with a higher passer rating than Michael Penix, because Penix completed 4 passes to Buccaneers than the Buccaneers managed to themselves. This is one of those stats you read and genuinely cannot fathom. How does a football team in the year 2026 win a game without a single completion?

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Christian Watson hurts ribs, goes to hospital. Comes back from the hospital. Goes back into football game. I have questions for the Packers’ medical staff.
–MINSHEW MAGIC NEVER DIES
-The Cardinals would win anyway in overtime, but their kicker made them sweat a bit after he shanked the go-ahead extra point with seconds left in regulation.
-The Bengals turnover. Pick one. There were like 7 to choose from.
–Caleb Downs, welcome to the NFL

THE VIBE CHECK
– The Lions get a big boost from the win, but the vibes are diminished somewhat by the scary injury to Jack Campbell. Wishing the best for him.
-It’s clear to me now the Raiders hot start was fraudulent, and having a close competition with the Jets did nothing to make me think positively of them
-The Ravens hope for a second-half schedule redemption when Lamar came back is gone. This is a lost season for Baltimore
-The Titans still lost, but that was one of those positive feeling losses where at least the team looked like they played functional football for once.
-The Justin Tucker signing has not gone over well in Chiefs kingdom, and that makes me feel better in some ways. Also Butker still sucks.
-The Packers won, but the Josh Jacobs thing is also making a lot of people mad. This guy should be cut so he can go be a Chief or Brown, as is his destiny.

-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
– I actually didn’t notice any particularly egregious reffing this weekend, but that probably means I just missed some stuff

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
– SHIT!

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Lamar finally played. For one snap. The snap was his thumb tendons.

CHAOS WATCH
–MINSHEW MANIA LIVES

WHAT 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
–They had a bye!

FRAUD WATCH
–The Vikings simply are not a serious contender unless they figure out what is wrong with the offense.
-If Minshew Mania starts up again, the Cardinals could play spoiler
-The Chargers remain here, again, because they are going to win at some point
-The Jets are more competitive this year. If they could put together a few stops on D, they could win some games

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-Here lie the Colts. They gave up.

-CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-The Bengals are an extremely frustrating and yet deeply entertaining football team. 4 turnovers. The offense will perform like complete doofuses and then Burrow will hit Chase for 30 yards like it is routine. It is kinda routine. The Bengals even got a safety on this one. Honestly, I enjoyed this football game more than any other this weekend, and that includes the Cardinals ending.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–It isn’t really their fault, but Ravens/Bills should have been a great game and instead the Ravens had a hospital game

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–I have sympathy for the Eagles situation (sike no I don’t you were so healthy every year it’s about time you knew the pain) but the skeleton of a roster they have remaining does not produce watchable football

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – INSURANCE MASCOTS WE ALL HATE

TNF – JAGS @ RAVENS
What could have been a great game now brings the pain as the Ravens season looks to be turbofucked. Derrick Henry hates the Jags though, and he’s at home, so you never know.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Limu Emu

MADRID GAME – BENGALS @ FALCONS
As is 2026 tradition, the Bengals will spend the 1st quarter looking like a complete joke before they wake up and actually start playing good football. I’ll still take them over the Falcons
If the Falcons win, I will draw Bijan Robinson as Rizo the Hedgehog, mascot from spanish insurance company Génesis Seguros 

BRONCOS @ PANTHERS
Bryce Young gonna die. Bo Nix might throw further than 5 yards.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as the Aflac Duck

COWBOYS @ COLTS
What I find so amusing about the Cowboys is they don’t have the injury exucse. The Giants lost Dart in week 1, plus a few other starters. The Eagles roster is in the hospital. The Commies lost Terry and a few others. The Cowboys are healthy, and yet remain total butt. If they lose this game to the terminal Colts, it’s joever.
If the Colts win, I will draw Daniel Jones as Paintin Manning

JETS @ CHIEFS
I picked 4 away teams to win in a row. That might come back to bite me. Well, I ain’t picking the away team on this one.
If the Jets win, I will draw Geico Gecko Geno

LIONS @ DOLPHINS
And we go right back to away teams. The Dolphins just aren’t good enough.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Jeff Hafley as Doug

BROWNS @ SAINTS
You ever see a game on the schedule and think: I have too much self respect to watch that. Saints.
If the Browns win, I will draw Erin Esurance as The Brownie

GIANTS @ EAGLES
I know I have PTSD and this is irrational but the Giants coming out of a bye and dropping one to a decimated Eagles team is extremely on brand for them.
If the Giants win, I will draw JJ McCarthy as Mayhem from Allstate

RAMS @ COMMIES
Am I setting myself up for failure with all these away team picks? No, it is the schedule that is wrong.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels as Jayden from State Farm

TEXANS @ CHARGERS
Finally, some real sicko food. Fuck it. This is the week the Chargers get that first win in spite of everything and Texans fans start committing seppuku in the streets.
If the Texans win, I will draw Will Anderson as Professor Burke from Farmers (apparently he has a name, I just thought he was JK Simmons)

RAIDERS @ 49ERS
The Raiders are bad. I wanted them to be good, but they aren’t.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Kirk Cousins as the Geico Caveman

PACKERS @ PATRIOTS
Battle of two good but not great teams and two very irritating smug fanbases. I’ll go home team.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love as Metlife Snoopy

CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS
Can Minshew Mania pull off the upset? No.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as The General

SNF – BUCS @ BEARS
I don’t think -2 passing yards is going to cut it against Chicago, Bucs.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker as Flo

MNF – BILLS @ VIKINGS
Two weeks in a row where the elite Vikings D goes against a tough offense, and their anemic worthless offense goes against a weakling. The Lions game went badly. I think this one does too.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kyler Murray as purple Liberty Biberty

A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs eaten by Liberty Biberty