CHAOS REPORT WEEK 4: TODD BOWLES MOVEMENT
CHAOS WATCH
–We are in severe “Bowles is fired any second now” territory. The Bucs are a disaster.
-With the bullshit the 49ers face every year, I am convinced Kyle Shanahan is the best coach in the NFL for how he keeps them elite anyway.
-I think the Lions window is closed. There’s no fixing this defense. The Patriots found their mojo a bit though, so now the rest of the year is up in the air.
WHICH 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
–Kyle “Juice” Juszczyk
FRAUD WATCH
–The Eagles had half the team out, but I think we can still call them frauds. Kevin Patullo vindicated.
-Even with the win, the Rams don’t impress me either.
-Im putting the Chargers in Sleeper because they have to win at some point right? Right?
-The Giants and Vikings are frauds. I love them, but we don’t have to pretend they are this good. The Packers, despite the single win, also still feel like frauds.
-I’m sticking the Falcons in Secret Predator because they look like a completely different team since Penix got back in. Just how awful is Cooper Rush?
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Falcons stomping the life out of the Saints in the 20th anniversary of the famous Katrina return game was such a great moment in the story of these two franchises.
CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-The Steelers gave us quite the show with Rodgers and McCarthy yelling at each other. Just like old times.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Bills always throw a real stinker in our laps during the first 4-5 games on their schedule. The Patriots have been a running joke this season and they weren’t even that good against Buffalo on Sunday, but the Bills still fell apart at home.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Dolphins are the stinky kid on the dorm floor: we all just hold our nose and move past them as quickly as possible. Do not linger. Do not make eye contact.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK: SPOOKY SEASON
BUCS @ COWBOYS
The Cowboys are going to tear Tampa to shreds on primetime TV and if Bowles somehow survives that, then im convinced the Glazers are in a coma
If the Bucs win, I will draw Boney Irving
EAGLES @ JAGUARS
The Birds fly to the UK to face London’s greatest warrior: The Jaguars. Things have not been going well for Philly and I hope it continues.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Carver
BENGALS @ DOLPHINS
Bengals really surprised us in those first two weeks only to reveal that they are still functionally mid as fuck. Good thing the Dolphins are shit as fuck. Complete fuck shit ass.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Chopper Robinson
RAIDERS @ PATS
It would be really fun to see the Raiders get a 2-0 win streak on New England.
If the Pats win, I will draw Night Vrabel
VIKINGS @ SAINTS
I predict the Vikings string of bullshit finally hits a wall
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kevin O’Lantern
BROWNS @ JETS
The Browns have a very real chance to be 4-1, what is happening?
If the Jets win, I will draw Breece Hell
COLTS @ STEELERS
Steelers are probably better? I guess? The Colts are this year’s midst team.
If the Colts win, I will draw Ghost Pepper Sauce
TEXANS @ TITANS
Last year the Texans went 0-3, got to beat the Titans, then went on a tear to reach the divisional. CAN THEY DO IT AGAIN?
If the Titans win, I will draw Brains Daboll
GIANTS @ COMMANDERS
The Giants ALSO have a chance to be 4-1. I am losing my mind. However I am not predicting a win.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam Skatteboo
BEARS @ PACKERS
The Packers are hot dogshit this year. The Bears have played like stupid idiots a lot, but they are still better.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Malice
BRONCOS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers are unnecessary. Regulate them back to college.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Mike McMyers
LIONS @ CARDINALS
The Lions are toasted but if they lose this game we can officially stop paying any attention to them.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Jeremummy Love
49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
I think the 49ers are off to the hotter start and I’m feeling the vibes.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Skull Darnold
RAVENS @ FALCONS
BIRD FIGHT. Ravens are better.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kevin Stefangski
BILLS @ RAMS
Here lies a pivotal game for Los Angeles. If they can’t hang with the Bills, they might be wild card fodder. I’m going home team with faith.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Alien
BYES: Carolina, KC
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs cooked in a cauldron
I’m in full on sicko mode on the Vikings.
It’s not even entertaining chaos like that year they went 13-3 and had negative point differential, they’re just out here seeing exactly how far having the best defense in the game can get you when your offense is allergic to even reaching the red zone.
Bless the knees of Will Reichard and keep him healthy because lord knows that’s where 75% of our points will come from this year.