When Puka did his stupid stream thing back in December this idea popped into my head, but I saved it for the offseason because it fit better as prime OFFSEASON CONTENT. Hence why we are here now.
We need a way to track the scumbaggery of the NFL. We also need more colorful, pointless ways to graph things. Why not graph scumbags? Flawless logic, if I say so myself. I might add this segment to the ever-growing Chaometer next year so we can track any new morons. But before we do that, I should explain the graph.
THE SCUMBAG METER
The closer you are to the endzone, the more likely you are to score. This is not a situation where you want to score, because that makes you a piece of shit.
A Genuine Good Guy
Pretty self-explanatory. Here we have a football player who not only has never done anything wrong, but we have confirmation that they are a good dude. These are your Walter Payton Man of the Year winners. The guys who give to charity and community. JJ Watt. Larry Fitzgerald. Barry Sanders. Hell, Russell Wilson spends a lot of time with kids in hospitals, so no matter how weird and corny he might be, I think he’s genuinely a good person at heart. The chances that a player here turns out to be a scumbag is just as unlikely as a 100+ yard turnover return score. It’s not impossible, but it’s very unlikely.
I have Walter Payton himself as the example. Hard to beat the guy the good guy award is named for.
The Probably Safe Zone
Where most kickoffs and drives start, also where almost every career starts. This is where 90% of the NFL exists. The fact is, we know very little about most NFL players as people. Many of them are just camp bodies, or backups, or specialists that aren’t well known enough to get anyone’s attention. There could be scumbags here, but they fly under the radar, and you need a very big play to score from inside the 25.
As an example, I threw some dudes we like in there. JSN, George Kittle. Caleb Williams. These guys seem perfectly fine. They might end up being bad dudes, we cant predict it, but they seem fine.
The Dumb Mistake Zone
I do not want to label players as scumbags too quickly. Humans make mistakes, and they should be given some benefit of the doubt on first, minor offenses. It’s not good, but it’s not necessarily a sign that a person absolutely sucks. These guys are mostly kids who didn’t get a true education and then suddenly earn a fuckton of money, after all. For stuff like this, I’d put like a player who just got busted for a DUI or speeding, with no prior track record. This is not an endorsement of driving drunk or speeding, those are bad behaviors that should be punished, but not necessarily a sign of malice. I’m not going to hate a guy who got busted once for weed, or even cocaine, in a regressive state.
My go example here is actually Plaxico Burress, who lost his career due to his mistake, but it was a stupid mistake that only hurt himself. My other two examples are Calvin Ridley and Kayshon Boutte, who were both busted for betting on games.
The Moron Zone
Here is where the risks start. One DUI is a bad mistake. 2? That’s a pattern. The Moron Zone is where you stick guys with repeated displays of being a dipshit, but not necessarily malice. This is also where I might put first offenses that are…above average in scale.
I have Jalen Carter here. Jalen Carter was involved with a fellow student getting killed in a car race in Georgia, where they street raced and the other driver crashed while intoxicated. That is reckless, stupid behavior, but not necessarily malice. He also spat on Dak Prescott, which is more direct asshole behavior, but it was also basically harmless and he got himself ejected. I don’t think Carter is a true scumbag, I think he’s a fucking idiot.
Another good example here is Myles Garrett. Garrett has been caught speeding a number of times, and his incident with Mason Rudolph was bad on-fied violence in the heat of a fight, but he mostly just seems like a moron.
One more historical example is Josh Gordon. Now Josh Gordon was a victim of archiac NFL drug laws, but he was also a dumbass who couldn’t get out of his own way.
THE RED FLAG ZONE
To be honest this is fairly intermingled with the Moron zone, but it’s more for players who commit one action that’s pretty damn serious or a pattern of repeated bad behavior that hasn’t quite crossed that line, yet. Many players who fall into this zone are considered scumbags already, but I am trying to be fairly stingy with the label as to not rush into labelling everyone who does bad or stupid things a true scumbag. To me a true scumbag should be a label like Eagle Scout. You have to work to earn it. But if you are in the Red Flag Zone, you are basically one play away.
This is where I currently have Puka. Going on Adin Ross’s stream is a very dumb mistake that an idiot kid could make because he wants clout and watches bad social media people. Doing the anti-semetic dance on stream, that’s more serious and would put him directly into the Moron Zone. Puka went from Probably Safe to the 20 yard line. But after the most recent news broke of him allegedly spouting more anti-semitism and biting two women, the red flags are flying. If you already think he’s a scumbag, I don’t blame you. He has demonstrated a lot of questionable behavior already, but I’ve kept him out of the endzone because im curious how the most recent allegations play out. Another player I have right on the edge here is Stefon Diggs. These most recent accusations may break the plane, and he’s probably the NFL player closest to the threshold. The red flags are waving.
A GENUINE SCUMBAG
This is the player that makes you feel icky even seeing them on TV. The kind of player you don’t want to root for even when they are on your team. The kind of player the worst people you know forgive because they can ball. This is someone you think should be in jail rather than on a football field. The kind of jersey you burn.
It goes without saying that this is where guys like Deshaun Watson and Tyreek Hill live. Domestic Abusers, sexual assaulters, criminals who got busted for malicious acts, not stupid ones. Guys like the recently arrested Falcons rusher James Pierce Jr, who we saw on camera committing terrible acts. Historical examples are guys like Antonio Brown, Richie Incognito, or Ben Roethlisberger. Aaron Hernandez is as deep in the endzone as is allowed.
Obviously all of this is very subjective and your own personal measure of a scumbag could be completely different from mine. Some people will automatically condem anyone who drives drunk in any capacity, and I’m not here to argue with them. There is also the belief divide. I am going to rank Harrison Butker mugh higher on the scale than his fellow evangelicals.
Another question is how do you place so called “dirty” players? A guy like Ndamukong Suh, who seems like a smart, well put together individual off the field, but had a tendency to act like a violent maniac on it? I’ve always considered scumbaggery to be off-field primary, but bad behavior on the field can color a perception.
Can a guy back up out of the danger zones? I think so. Once you break the plane it’s over, but I think with good behavior and time someone can rescue themselves from scoring range. David Tyree said some awful shit about gay people a while ago, but more recently apologized for it and claimed to be learning. Sometimes dudes are troubled and they just need help. Maybe Puka’s stint in rehab goes well and he manages to crawl out of this hold he’s dug himself.
Though my guess is he wont, and he’s going to break that plane before the end of the year. At that point, we can slap the merit badge on him.
