THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–So I apologize for these past two weeks being kinda weird, I was in Germany and watching football in Germany sucks. I am once again reminded that an actual team hosted in Europe is a bad idea. A league in Europe? Fine. A team? In the NFL? Travelling that distance for away games and vice versa? Terrible idea. Awful. Put it in the dumpster. Watching games at those hours was basically impossible. The primetime games started at like 3 am. I watched no football until Sunday, when I was treated to the New York Giants playing the Titans in the Newark Airport lounge. I had the best seat in the house. The trip is over. I am back. No further trips planned. We can return to our regularly scheduled bullshit.
And what bullshit it was. This was the best week of Chaos yet. We got off to a hot start with the Falcons starting a real QB and looking like a real football team again. Meanwhile, the Packers confirmed the truth: they ass. LaFleur can’t coach. The Offensive line would be more effective if they simply stood still.
Week 1 then continued throwing comedy and chaos right in our laps. Marcus Mariota reverted back to his Duck days and beat the defending champs. The Steelers outlasted the Bengals in a tight one. The Jets and Lions combined for a mid-off. I think the Lions might genuinely be just plain mediocre, and the Jets are probably better than their record. The fucking Browns are 2-1 after a horrible week 1, and even their own fans are conflicted about it, because they are now winning with the Nasty Man. The Texans continue to fumble around like idiots to start the season. The Bills managed to pull out a win against the Chargers while wearing those goddawful uniforms. Both the Cardinals/49ers and the Raiders/Saints combined for thrillers. Rams/Broncos was a messy delight filled with great defensive play by Denver and some controversy. Baker Mayfield ruined his thumb, the Bucs are 0-3, and as Todd Bowles said: they are 1 game out of first place. I love the NFC South.
The Chiefs are 3-0 and Achane tore his ACL. Not that Dolphins fans had anything to be happy about to begin with. Oh, and lest I forget, the Patriots got chumped by the Jaguars and Drake “The Schedule” Maye looks like one of the worst QB’s in the NFL. I feel bad for the kid as he’s clearly stuck in his own head, but as a Patriots hater, mmm mmmm mmmm delicious. Please sir, Maye I have some more?
The Bears blew up the Eagles again, this time through the air with Case Keenum. Something is rotten in Philly and Sirianni has run out of excuses if he has another wet fart season.
GIANTS CORNER
–The biggest mistake a man can make is believing the universe cares about him.
Burns tore his ACL. The Giants then traded a 5th for fucking NINE. I can’t even enjoy the win because they needed a miracle pick against one of the worst QBs on the worst team in the NFL to stop a 4th-quarter comeback. Why do I bother feeling emotions? What have they given me besides pain?
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–At least we gave Rio a show. Cowboys/Ravens got a lot of concern prior to the game due to questionable field conditions but things seemed largely okay during the game itself, which was an enjoyably evenly matched experience. Big plays, big stops, and a real doozy of an ending that gave us what may become this season’s greatest “lol Cowboys” moment. The Cowboys are practically at the goalline with timeouts and less than a minute left, down by 3. Brian Schottenheimer decides his time to etch his legacy as an idiot doofus Cowboys coach has come. They fail to reach the endzone and kick a game-tying field goal with 7 seconds left. Then, instead of kicking off normally to eat the remaining time (risking a very low-chance runback score), they go for the touchback instead. Then the Cowboys play pathetic defense and Lamar launches a perfect strike in 6 seconds, calls timeout, and Tyler Loop nails the gamewinner. Add it to the pantheon of Cowboy meme games.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Jameis Winston tackled Cam Skattebo during his own handoff. A few yards further back it would have been a safety and this would be the meme play of the year.
–Cam Ward, at least try to look invested
-Deebo Samuel with the mind bending stat line of 80 yards and a TD on no receptions. He caught a hook and ladder play.
WHICH 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
-Mike Evans and Trent Williams
THE VIBE CHECK
– Packer fans haven’t dealt with a truly bad team in a long time, and they are not taking it well. I think things will improve for them (not by enough, but still), but this team is a massive letdown.
– The Giants win was not inspiring but it was a win. Then Burns tore his ACL and we traded for JJ McCarthy. Fuck.
– The Chargers. Do we…need them? Do they serve a purpose? Would we notice if they vanished?
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
–Pretty much everyone was mad at the Rams DPI call. I’m going to take a bold stance and say it was a bad call, but not for the reasons everyone else seems to say. For one thing, I think the Rams player did commit illegal contact. The Bronco player obviously commits his own bullshit, grabbing the Ram by the shoulder and flopping like a fish to sell it. The thing nobody seems to notice is that the flag comes from the official behind the play, and from his vantage point, he did not see what we see from the front replay. From his angle, the early illegal contact + the Bronco selling it probably did look like DPI. I see why he threw the flag. I’m honestly okay with the Rams not getting the (really cool) pick. Maybe it should have been offsetting at worst. But this play is a prime example of why we need a challenge ability or skyjudge, someone who can examine the call from angles the Ref may have missed and correct them.
Also the Saints somehow got screwed out of the same call that happened against them in week 1. If you want to look at this optimistically, maybe the refs realized their mistake in week 1 and decided to call it correctly this time…only it happened to fuck over the same team again anyway.
The real PI tragedy of the week was this horrible PI called…on CeeDee Lamb?
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
– I’m not above being petty. Seeing Daboll mad made me laugh.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Have you ever seen Kong: Skull Island? There is a famous sequence in that movie where a soldier decides to sacrifice himself by pulling the pins on his grenade belt and positioning himself to get eaten by the monster. The monster doesn’t fall for it and kicks him into a wall to explode. I was reminded of that when Baker did whatever the fuck this was on a play that would result in his busted finger.
CHAOS WATCH
–Do…do we need to worry about the Browns? The fucking Browns?
-I think the Raiders might be legitimately good?
-This year’s Broncos seem like they might be the stupid weirdos of the year
-Case Keenum miracle season? It’s back on the menu, boys
FRAUD WATCH
–The Packers don’t deserve to have a single win, so despite being visibly atrocious, they are still frauds.
-I still have faith that the Texans will improve, but man, do it.
-The Jets aren’t good, but I think they are better than we give them credit for. They are one better coaching decision from being 2-1.
-The Rams are definitely still a good team, and the Falcons might felt like a different team once Penix got under center again.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Patriots are one more bad performance from fans demanding that Mike Vrabel be allowed to sleep around as needed. Drake Maye was Mayebe his worst possible self against the Jaguars, making exactly zero good decisions and a swiss bank account’s worth of disastrous ones. At one point he just straight drops the ball.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Texans lost to the Bills and Bengals in the first two weeks. Those are tough but respectable losses. The Colts? The Texans started bad last year too so it is far from over, but they can’t keep doing this. They are the new Bengals.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Titans and Giants got together during a Nor’easter and combined for the most unwatchable garbage you’ll see. I give it to the Titans because at least the Giants managed a few scores before the 4th quarter.
CARTOON BETS! I don’t have the usual labels on them this time because I had to draw them on my backup tablet while travelling and it’s more annoying to do that part in Procreate.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
STEELERS @ BROWNS
Okay. The Browns got to beat a mess of a Bucs team and a flawed Panthers. The Steelers are not impressive, but they should be better. Annoying Man vs Nasty Man, gotta go annoying man.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie running off with Aaron Rodgers’ AI Wife
COLTS @ COMMANDERS
The Commanders have had life each week in spite of everything. Maybe Mariota can hold down the fort. I’ll give them some faith.
If the Colts win, I will draw Li’l Colt Sebastian
COWBOYS @ TEXANS
Texans if you want to wake the fuck up this would be a funny week to do so. But I’m going Dallas.
If the Texans win, I will draw DeMeco Ryans burying Dak on the gross sandy beaches of Galveston
JETS @ BEARS
Bears are probably better than the Jets. Case Keenum stepped up just fine with Caleb out.
If the Jets win, I will draw Geno Starscream
PATRIOTS @ BILLS
My faith in Bills regression remains but they can wait another week to do it. In the meantime go pummel The Schedule into dust.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye, right on schedule
JAGUARS @ BENGALS
CAT FIGHT. I’ll go Jaguars.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow out-smokeshowing Trevor
CARDINALS @ GIANTS
The Cardinals looked better as a loser against the 49ers than the Giants did as a winner against the Titans.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam Skattebo eating a bird’s nest
TITANS @ RAVENS
Picking the team playing the Titans is going to be the #1 eliminator move until they inevitably get a single upset in week 13 or something.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward aura farming
RAMS @ EAGLES
The Eagles can win this, but the Rams are probably better.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Nick Sirianni crying…with happiness
PACKERS @ BUCS
The Bucs are such a mess the Packers might get back to .500.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker giving a fucked up thumbs up
DOLPHINS @ VIKINGS
With Achane out is there a single valid reason to watch Miami football?
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a dolphin eating a viking
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
I can’t believe this is a battle for first place in the division. What on earth. Chiefs, but this is the Raiders chance to prove they are real.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Taylor Swift leaving Kelce for the Dumpy
BRONCOS @ 49IRS
I feel like these 49ers are going to keep winning despite the injuries until about halfway through the year when their fighting spirit and moxie finally tears its ACL as well.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix turning on Brock
CHARGERS @ SEAHAWKS
Would be pretty funny if this is the Chargers first actual win of the year.
If the Chargers win, I will draw a Seahawk getting struck by lighting
LIONS @ PANTHERS
MEDIORE CAT FIGHT. I’ll take the Lions I guess, since Young is banged up and many other players are out.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Panther Hello Kitty
FALCONS @ SAINTS
The Saints seem legit to me, on the cusp of breaking through. This also happens to be the Falcons chance to completely right the ship of vibes for the year. I’ll go home team.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Bijan, Penix, and Pitts beating up Sir Saint like the guys beating up the printer in Office Space
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs trapped in a white void
