THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Thursday Night Football was hideous. Baltimore is nothing without Lamar. The amount of holes that man may have been covering up are legion. They hired Jesse Minter to fix the defense and that hasn’t been working. Thanks for Harbaugh I guess.
The Bengals beat up the Falcons in Madrid. Shame on us for sending Atlanta to international audiences.
To be honest, this was a week of gross, ugly, shameful football. In some cases (IND/DAL, CLE/NO), this eventually led to fun endings. The Giants slopped out a win over the decimated Eagles. The Lions slopped out a win over the meaningless Dolphins. The Chiefs squirted out a shitty win over the Jets, with a brief scary moment for Mahomes. The Rams fumbled around enough to almost let the Commanders fight them (and maybe lost Puka). The Browns started Shedeur and he unfortunately wasn’t any better than the Nasty Man, but the Saints are butt and the game came down to a 2pt conversion attempt. Thanks for making it fun. Then we had Colts/Cowboys. What was going on in this shitfest?
The 49ers chumped the Raiders. The Patriots faced a team above .500, and we all know what that means. The Packers put belt to ass. The Cardinals were smothered by Seattle and Minshew Mania is already over. The Chargers really are that bad. How they haven’t made any major coaching shift by now is alarming. Let’s be honest: what is the value in keeping McDaniel at this stage? Fire him, simplify the offense, and they might win something before everyone gets axed.
The entire NFCS has 3 wins. For all the derision thrown at the NFCE, the South deserves even more. A corgi outperformed all 4 teams this weekend.
The less said about Bills/Vikings the better.
GIANTS CORNER
–The first win in Philly since 2013. I’ll take it, but man, they made it hard to feel happy about it. This is the most beatable Eagles team in pretty much that entire time span, and the Giants were coming out of a bye week. Allowing it to be that close in an ugly game is kind of embarassing in its own right. This remains a bad football team with a lot of holes. Arvell Reese sure isn’t one, though! What a damn stud!
Apparently the Giants offered a 2nd and 5th for J. Taylor, but the Colts didn’t bite. That would have been an acceptable cost to me as he’d be under contract for a while, but alas. This game did a good job showing how far this team is from being genuinely good and not just “leading a shit division” good.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Do you like turnovers? You must have loved the Bears/Bucs SNF matchup. After a day of sloppy, gross ball, the messy Bears and idiot Bucs combined for the kind of game everyone leaves off the resume. The Bears turned the ball over 5 times and blew a 14-point lead and they still won. Baker threw two picks of his own. The game ended on a Cairo Santos walk-off. When I say I love sicko football, this is the game I am talking about. Caleb Williams is hereby known as Chaos Williams.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–CORGI
–FAKE PUNT! Oh, was that not the Lions/Dolphins fake punt you thought of? TWO FAKE PUNTS
–Craziest INT you’ll see this year
–Braden Mann with the most impressive punt and worst punt of the week in the same game
–The Madrid Power Grid
THE VIBE CHECK
– Myles Garrett came to play for LA, but they lost Puka in the process. The Rams gotta be better than this.
– Jaguars went all in this week. The Duvall is rising
– The Packers have recovered from the early season fumbles and look pretty good again.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
-So the amazing INT by Denver probably shouldn’t have counted. Nobody seemed to realize it was a pick in the moment and was only overturned after a challenge. Thing is, the Panthers appear to have ran a play afterward, which should have negated the chance to call a challenge. There is no footage of Sean Payton throwing the flag in time. People have been zaprudering whatever footage we have to determine if things went well.
Of course, all of this was set up by a missed DPI.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
– Harrison Butker misses wide right. Jets commit penalty. Butker moves 5 yards closer and misses wide right again
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–McCarthy looking like middle-aged guys doing anything physical
CHAOS WATCH
–The trade deadline is this week, so let’s see if anyone panics! EDIT: THE VIKINGS PANICKED
WHAT 49ER DIED THIS WEEK
–Gracen Halton (Broken Ankle)
FRAUD WATCH
–The Broncos are Vikings lite and much luckier. Good defense, bad offense that gets bailed out.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Jaguars and Ravens played in a downpour but you wouldn’t know it if you only watched the Jaguars
-CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-The Bears are incapable of playing a normal football game.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Patriots tricked us into thinking they might have mojo back, but upon closer examination, they are pretty mid and only good against bad teams. They are still on The Schedule.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–It is not going to get better in Baltimore. Just avert your eyes.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – STAR TREK ALIEN WEEK
TNF – COMMIES @ GIANTS
These two idiots have a chance to do the funniest thing and tie again. The Giants can’t beat Jayden Daniels, so I assume that this won’t be any different.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam Skattebo as a Horta
PATRIOTS @ LIONS
This should by all logic be an amazing shootout so watch it end up 13-9. Lions I guess.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye as a Borg
CHIEFS @ FALCONS
Falcons bad. You know.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penix Jr as a Vulcan
TEXANS @ BROWNS
I hope CJ lights them up, but the Texans remain bad and Cleveland is at home, so fine, Browns.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as a Cardassian
VIKINGS @ PACKERS
The Vikings defense might be generational but the offense is so bad it doesn’t matter.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins as Species 8472
JAGUARS @ TITANS
The Jaguars just traded for multiple star defenders and are going all in. If they lose this game, they are frauds and we should not take them seriously.
If the Titans win, I will draw Brian Daboll as an Andorian
DOLPHINS @ COLTS
The kind of game that will have important draft order ramifications. Colts at home.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Malik Willis as a Vidian
PANTHERS @ SAINTS
An NFC South team might reach 4 wins! Might! Home team.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as a Ferengi
BILLS @ JETS
Is it just me or does anyone else think the Jets might have a couple more wins if they had a chance to fight one of the bad divisions?
If the Jets win, I will draw Geno Smith as an Orion
SEAHAWKS @ RAIDERS
Klint might have a way to attack the Seattle D, but that won’t prevent Kirk Cousins from being ass.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Fernando Mendoza as the happiest Klingon
RAMS @ CARDINALS
THE CARSON BECKONING IS UPON US
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Carson Beck as a Changeling
49ERS @ DALLAS
I rarely root for the 49ers, but I hope they put Dallas into the inner core of the earth
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak as a Kazon
SNF- STEELERS @ BENGALS
Bengals have been winning games as of late. Kinda quietly too. I’ll give them an edge at home.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Rodgers as a Talaxian
MNF- CHARGERS @ RAVENS
Are they allowed to broadcast war crimes on TV like this?
If the Chargers win, I will draw the Tar monster in TNG
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will Tuvix the QBs
