THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Ah week one. You delightful den of confusion and overreaction. You tease us so with your results and yet dangle the truth from view. You tease. You minx. How I’ve missed your touch.
Week 1 delivered. Sam Darnold dies in the first 2 minutes of the season opener and the Seahawks win anyway because Drake Maye falls apart in the 4th. The 49ers stomp the pre-season favorite Rams who elected to show up in Australia just a couple hours before the game for some reason. The Jets and Giants both won in week 1 for the first time since 2009. The Bills and Texans delivered a shootout, the Bears and Panthers did the same, and the Saints and Lions did their best to give the other team a win. The Falcons started Pooper Flush after Tua also got hurt, the Chargers ate shit to the Cardinals, and the Ravens exploded on the Colts. King Henry’s still got it. Even the Bengals came out swinging with a defensive punch that nobody expected. The Raiders proved competent and the Dolphins not so much. The only real result that was completely expected was the Jaguars force-feeding the Browns cyanide, and that was what we all wanted anyway.
The Boncos finished up the week by falling flat on their face in primetime and making us all have to accept that the Chiefs might be back. Kenneth Walker was a stud and made a significant impact for KC.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The Seahawks winning after Darnold went down wasn’t that big of a surprise when you think about it. The Vikings winning with Carson Wentz after Kyler died against the Packers…hits different. I spent most of the weekend dogsitting above a Packers bar, and let me tell you: they were having a bad time. I do not know what the problem is, but Matt LeFleur is officially confirmed to have the choke gene. His situational game awareness might be bottom third of the league as a coach. Fans were crying to fire him after the playoff meltdown, the Packers extended him, and he just went and did the same schtick. This game was 22-10 with 2 minutes left in the 3rd. The Vikings took a 25-22 lead with 6:37 left after a Packers holding call took away an INT. Brian Flores was blitzing like a madman and the Packers simply could not respond. The Vikings would spend the final minutes piling it on to end 39-22.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Basically every Bears play
–FAT GUY WITH FOOTBALL
–The Saints going for the win with a 2pt conversion. It borked.
–TJ Watt just stealing a touchdown from Cooper Rush
–Our first Moosing of the year
GIANTS CORNER
–That was the most competent Giants team I’ve seen in a long time. All I wanted from this opener was for these dopes to not embarrass themselves against Dallas in the opener, again. I got a competent team that won the football game with a solid margin. They had good redzone playcalls. They blocked well. Dart wasn’t an idiot and played surprisingly well from the pocket. A few too many fumbles that thankfully didn’t go the wrong way and too many penalties, but some of those DPIs were just CeeDee Lamb getting superstar calls. Harbaugh didn’t blow a 4th quarter double digit lead. I don’t know how to process competent Giants football, but I’m thrilled.
It must be said though that the Cowboys defense was really fucking bad. They fell for the same play quick throw to the flat 3 straight times for the Giants final TD.
THE VIBE CHECK
– The Rams with maybe the biggest one week vibe swing in ages. From dream team to dreaming team because they were running on zero sleep as the 49ers mulched them. I don’t know what Sean McVay was thinking with the late fly-in, but the Rams looked the part of a jet-lagged office worker forced to run a meeting with a client. Then two days later Myles Garrett’s mysterious pre-season knee injury is revealed to be serious and he’s going on IR for at least 4 weeks. Huge ego blow to LA.
-The Bills are always a tough out on offense but Texans fans can’t feel very positive about how many points they gave up. At least Stroud looked good.
-The Cowboys got a lot of buzz for the expected defensive improvements. They trotted out there with one of the worst displays of the week, against a team they have spent most of the past decade embarrassing.
-One of the worst feelings is when you know your team is bad and they still disappoint you. Titans fans did not have a good time.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
-Early in the game the Saints hit Goff and caused the pass to go backwards, meaning live ball. The Saints scoop and score. Upon replay however, Goff is determined to have “started his throwing motion”, meaning that it is an incomplete pass and the direction of the ball is irrelevant. This little-known technicality is the kind of shit that usually costs the Lions a game, not benefits them. By the rule, the call is correct. Maybe it’s a stupid rule. Maybe if a pass goes backwards, it shouldn’t matter if the QB intended to throw it forwards.
Think back to the AFCCG last year, where Jarrett Stidham effectively lost the game on his stupid fumble. He attempts to shovel-pass the ball forward, but is contacted in the action and the ball goes backwards. Fumble. Shouldn’t that have also been incomplete by this rule? I’m all for the Lions catching a break for once and it happened so early that it didn’t have a major impact, but this is stupid.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Bo Nix doing a cartoon WHOOP
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-The holding call on the Packers after the Wentz INT in the endzone may have been the nail in the coffin for Green Bay’s vibes.
CHAOS WATCH
–The Bears might have turned into a team where they have to score 40 points a game because the defense will give up 35 points a game. That is so anti-Bears I can’t fathom it.
-An extreme lack of defense from everyone in week 1. Did the Texans, Broncos, Rams, Chargers, etc etc regress or fluke it? We shall find out.
FRAUD WATCH
–Impossible to call frauds so early in the season, so we kind of have to guess the week 1 fluke wins. The Cardinals sure feel like they won’t keep up the winning ways, and I have to imagine the Packers aren’t going to be as bad as they looked in the 4th all year. The Giants, Jets, and Raiders probably aren’t that good, and the Lions made me worry. Broncos will probably be okay even with such a bad first impression.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Jaguars held the Browns facedown in the gutter during a torrential rainstorm and we all loved it.
CLOWN OF THE WEEK
-The Boncos saved the clowning for last. Not only did they let Mahomes scramble like he normally does, the game peaked when Denver was gifted a pick right in the redzone and Bo Nix went and tried to scramble and throw after eating greasy fried chicken. He threw a pick early, he fumbled, the Broncos let Kenneth Walker run 60 yards on 4th and one. Clownshow.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Los Angeles did not give us its best this week. After such lofty expectations, the Rams underperformed horribly in front of the international crowd and Myles Garrett failed his debut. But at least they lost to a good team that usually gives them trouble. The Chargers had a much easier task: beating the Cardinals at home. They failed miserably. Southern California, you suck.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
– “But the Browns” you may ask. Here’s the thing. This is for teams you can’t watch. Watching the Browns is a hate-watch, and that hate-watch delivered. The Titans did not. They sparked no joy. They played no football. They simply made you rethink your precious time on this earth.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
LIONS @ BILLS
Bills looked like themselves against Houston and the Lions looked like a risky pick, so I’m going Bills at home.
If the Lions win, I will draw a Lions fan celebrating behind a poor view from his seat at Highmark
BENGALS @ TEXANS
The Bengals could be real, or they could have just had a solid game against a weak Bucs team. I am going to predict a Texans bounce back because I think they need it more.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Sexy Dexy as Jaws
PACKERS @ JETS
Packers with a chance at an easy bounce-back.
If the Jets win, I will draw Matt LeFleur’s seat made of lava
SAINTS @ RAVENS
Saints might have had a chance against the Lions, but those new Ravens gonna eat ‘em
If the Saints win, I will draw Sir Saint defacing the grave of Edgar Allen Poe
EAGLES @ TITANS
Eagles looked a bit shaky against the Commies, if they look shaky against this turd of a team we got real problems.
If the Titans win, I will draw Robert Saleh and Brian Daboll doing a bald guy headbutt
VIKINGS @ BEARS
Bears vs Vikings shootout on the menu? Might be a delight. I think the Vikings blitzes kill the Bears.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams doing the joker stairs dance
BROWNS @ BUCS
Browns look like the worst team in the NFL, and you can imagine Baker will delight in this.
If the Browns win, I will draw Baker committing seppuku with a football
STEELERS @ PATS
I hate those games where you wish both teams could lose. I was not inspired by Pittsburgh this week, so I’ll take the home team on extra rest.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers winning the emmy for most annoying guy
PANTHERS @ FALCONS
My god, it might be magical. Panthers.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a Falcon carrying off a Panther to eat
RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
While I commend the Raiders for a solid win over the Dolphins, I have to assume the Chargers get back on track. Right? Right?
If the Raiders win, I will draw Kirk’s Phat Vegas Dumpy
JAGS @ BONCOS
The Jaguars obliterated Denver in Denver last year, and Week 1’s Broncos don’t give me any reason to assume it won’t happen again.
If the Boncos win, I will draw Bonix like that one sand snake colossus in Shadow of the Colossus
COMMIES @ COWBOYS
The Commies put up a fight, the Cowboys did not, but I’m going home team anyway.
If the Commies win, I will draw Vladimir Lenin Jayden Daniels
DOLPHINS @ 49ERS
Another week where you can just not bother watching Miami Dolphins football
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Malik Willis as a power substation
SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS
Even with Drew Lock out there I can’t imagine the Cards pull this off
If the Cardinals win, I will draw a Cardinal eating a Seahawk
COLTS @ CHIEFS
Well, good luck Danny. I guess.
If the Colts win, I will draw Daniel Jones as a horse girl
GIANTS @ RAMS
The Rams should not be jetlagged this time.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam Skattebo out ramming a Ram
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs doing the DBZ fusion dance
