Antonio Brown Wins. Friendship. FRIENDSHIP??!

Lets be honest for a second. There is no way Antonio Brown and Vontaze Burfict being on the same team, coached by Jon Gruden no less, is going to explode in drama as beautifully as we want it to. It just won’t. I know, I know. I want it too. I want all the drama in the world. I want to see this team in complete shambles. I want these 3 personalities going at it so hard that the team achieves literal negative wins somehow. But it won’t happen. So don’t set your expectations too high.

I actually think the two of them will get along! Vontaze is a complete dipshit and Brown is a baby but they can now bond over something they both hate: The Steelers. Also Big Ben. Why I bet the two will become fast friends over stories about how shit Ben Roethlisberger is. Vontaze can talk about how he likes hitting him.

I do believe both of them will be “professional” about it and not fight. Maybe a practice scuffle that both downplay in a press interview later. Vontaze, as dumb as he is, will likely not do anything bad to Brown outside of a few practice shots. He doesn’t seem like “hold a grudge” dumb, more like “spear anyone in my way because I can’t contain my own inner demons” dumb. He’s not picky. I bet he makes a few enemies on the team. But he’s only there for a year and is likely on a very short leash.

The Raiders are actually becoming the Raiders again! They have a diva taking up all the star power drama. They have a dipshit asshole defender who will play dirty. They have a QB who is easily in the running for ugliest, bro-iest QB in the league. They have old school yelly coach in charge of everything. They have….jeez when I google the roster I am flabbergasted at how few players I know. Johnathan Hankins ended up here? Dude was gonna be a star! What happened, Hank?

While I do now concede that Jon Gruden clearly had a plan in place when he jettisoned Mack and the new Raiders are rebuilding from the ground up, I don’t see them doing shit this year. Carr has had exactly one good season. Brown will help, but the line still probably sucks, and I don’t think the defense is going to hold up either. They are stuck in a division with 2 clearly superior teams and one team that should be better and has more talent but is up in the air. This feels like the make or break year for Carr. Gruden probably wants his own dude at some point and if Carr can’t play like he did a few years ago before he broke his leg, I see him getting released. The Broncos will probably sign him next year when they cut Flacco.

I guess we still have the draft to see what Grudey pulls, so that’s something to look forward to. Tally ho, you crazy bastards.

Also, just to make a pre-emptive strike because I know some pedantic motherfucker is going to make a comment about it: I know both Antonio Brown and Vontaze Burfict have different hair now. I think Brown should always have his legoman cut, and Vontaze isn’t Vontaze without the dreads. This is my headcanon and is now Draw Play canon. Speaking of DP canon, it is now official DP canon that Ben Roethlisberger has violently shit himself at least 8 times. Canon.