CARTOON PICKS WEEK 5 – Dak died
WEEK 5 is in the book….oh wait. There are 3 more games. Thanks, Covid! Certainly this schedule changing fuckery won’t continue to snowball and put the league in impossible positions!
Well, what’s the scoop now? Alex Smith is back! Kyle Allen lasted like half a quarter before lowering his into Jalen Ramsey. Smith came in and immediately threw a checkdown then got sacked multiple times by Aaron Donald. A lot of fuss was kicked up this week thanks to the Dwayne Haskins benching, but for all of Haskins faults the Washington offense might simply suck no matter what. He performed better in his starts then Allen or Smith did. While I haven’t seen a good attitude from Haskins so far, I’m still somewhat reluctant to trust any reports from inside the TEAM organization because nobody likes throwing folks under the bus like Snyder does. Apparently he’s on the trading block now, which means they probably shouldn’t have dumped on him so much in the media before this.
Dan Quinn’s leash is cut! He should be officially fired by the time you read this. Adam Gase somehow lasts longer than another coach. At this rate I expect Patricia is fired next. The Giants continued to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory even after Dak turned his ankle to face the wrong way. I feel awful for Dak. The team pins him down with the franchise tag, doesn’t give him a contract, gets so much of the fanbase turned against him, and now he’s out for the season when he was pretty much the only good part of the team so far. I hope he leaves Dallas and goes to a franchise that will appreciate him while getting the payday he deserves.
The Raiders are infuriating. I think they are good and they suck. I think they are mediocre and they beat the Chiefs. I think I’m going to pick a lot of Raiders games wrong this year. The Jaguars are trash. The Jets have given up. The Bears defense is legit. The Browns! Legit! I almost changed my pick during the week but kept my faith and was rewarded. Gronk should have stayed retired. The Panthers are a darkhorse NFCS contender.
With 3 games left, be sure to come back and see if I have to make more pictures.
WEEK 6 PICKS IF THE GAMES HAPPEN
TEXANS @ PATIENT ZEROS
Fuck the Titans, man. Someone had to be the infection vector for the league but not only did the Titans fail to contain, they then went and held illegal practices and made everything worse. They didn’t take this seriously and now the league is paying the price. We don’t even know which players will be available at this rate for Tennessee. The Texans are free of the BoB curse. I have no idea who to pick, so I literally flipped a coin. Texans.
If the Titans win, I will draw Ryan Tannehill as the corona cowboy telling people to TITAN UP
RAVENS @ EAGLES
The Eagles are pretty bad. The Ravens aren’t what they were last year, but they are still good.
If the Eagles win, I will draw an Eagle pooping on Edgar Allen Poe’s grave
FALCONS @ VIKINGS
The Vikings and the Falcons are the biggest failures of expectations so far this year. The Falcons are now officially in holdover territory as they search for a new front office. The Vikings have actually found a little bit of identity late. Not sure if Dalvin Cook will play as of right now, but I’ll stick with the Purple Boys.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matty Ice pissing on Dan Quinn’s grave
BROWNS @ STEELERS
The Browns are good! Legitimately good! Unfortunately so are the Steelers, and the Steelers are Browns kryptonite. I want to believe, but I can’t see it happening this week against Chubbs McQuarterback. Browns need a heat check.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie Elf hitting Big Ben with a steel I-beam
BENGALS @ COLTS
The Colts are legit, but Philip Rivers is old and still likes to Philip Rivers away games they should win. However the Bengals are dog pee.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joey the Tiger feasting on the remains of Rivers Centaur
LIONS @ JAGUARS
Battle of the shitty cats! The Jags win over the Colts looks more like a fluke every week. The Lions have enough talent to actually win, but that requires them to hold onto a lead. This is basically another coin-flip from me. If the Lions lose this I won’t be surprised if Patricia finally bites it.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Gardner Minshew drawing graffiti mustaches on the Lions logo
BEARS @ PANTHERS
I still refuse to believe in the Bears. The Bucs felt like they should have won that game and failed. The Panthers are sneaky good and getting better.
If the Bears win, I will draw Baloo from the Jungle Book kicking Bagheera’s ass
TEAM @ GIANTS
I don’t think the Giants are an 0-16 team. The defense is good enough to drag a win or two out of this dumb team. But they’ve been so dumb and bad in every game when given a late chance that until they actually do win I can’t pick them. This is probably the best chance they’ll have so far.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones holding a W
JETS @ DOLPHINS
The Jets aren’t even trying. This is a team that has completely given up any pretense. This is just a matter of how long the ownership will put up with Gase before they do the right thing.
If the Jets win, I will draw Adam Gase making cans of tuna that are NOT dolphin safe
PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS
Denver kinda sucks. The Pats are still pretty decent, but this aught to be an interesting game with garbage QB play.
If the Broncos win, I will draw a drunk Bojohn Elway out on a bender
PACKERS @ BUCS
The Bucs are still trying to get on the same page. Brady looks old and is now confirmed senile. The Packers took the next step most of us didn’t think they would.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Brady flashing his rings in Rodgers’ face
RAMS @ 49IRS
The 49IRS looked really good against the Jets and Giants. I guess the rest of the league isn’t that bad. Oh and Jimmy G apparently sucked all along.
If the 49IRS win, I will draw a very handsome prospector kicking a ram down a cliff
CARDINALS @ COWBOYS
I might have had some faith in the Cowboys this game but Dak is dead and the boys are probably boned now.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw The Red Rifle as ghostrider
CHIEFS @ BILLS
The Chiefs took an unexpected L this week against Da Raaaaaaaaidahs. Are they vulnerable against the suddenly mighty Bills? Certainly. Thing is, the Bills are gonna take that first L at some point too and after being jerked around due to the Titans fuck ups they might be a bit discombobulated. I think the Chiefs finally cool the Bills off for a week.
If the Bills win, I will draw a large buffalo chasing Kermit the Mahomes frog
IF A GAME ENDS IN A TIE
Two QBs. Poop.
IF A GAME IS CANCELLED DUE TO COVID-19
They get CORONA-CARDED
HEALTH UPDATE: Do not expect a comic on Wednesday. After 2 months of misery my insurance is finally covering my endoscopy and hopefully by Tuesday night I’ll have an idea of what is wrong and finally start getting out of this fucking bullshit.
For just a moment I wondered what the US and UK had to do with gambling on the Chiefs/Raiders game.
If you ever saw the DraftKings ads that infest the Wembley games, you’d know.
Dave, the Cowboys offered Dak a contract for five years at 35 million a year. He chose not to sign because he wanted 4 years. Also Dak has been producing in garbage time like that time Blake Bortles tricked the Jags into thinking he’d taken the next step. He isn’t a bright spot, he’s just not been a (big) problem. I don’t like that he got injured, I never like injuries. But I won’t cry over him either. 1
Also I’m glad to hear you’re finally getting your endoscopy
I’m never going to begrudge a payer for trying to get their money in a league when shit like this can happen at any second. Dak did bet on himself to some degree but also fuck the franchise tag for how it allows teams to just freeze players in place so they can’t test their true value on the market.
Oh absolutely the franchise tag is terrible and the NFLPA just doesn’t put it highly in their list of priorities so it won’t get sorted any time soon (considering how inept they are at getting even the priorities). But he went in this year eyes wide open knowing the risk and he still chose not to take what at least was reported as a fair market deal because he wanted less years. It wasn’t about the guarantees or about the upfront money, or so we’re told. It was about the length of the deal. I can’t really feel sorry for him about that part of it. The injury itself was gruesome though and for that I do feel for him.
Fins-Jets for Week 6 now. Denver’s got New England (Rona vs Rona), and the Chargers got the Patriots’ bye.
Best of luck with the scan, dude.
Dak is still alive itś like they traded Alex Smith for Dak but DEM BOYZ still have the red (blue?) Rifle and the offense will possibly be runing plays 67% unless Mike Mcarthy Treats this like how he did with Brett Hundley (stupid fuck) I still see DEm bOYz at above .500%
Whenever we get Walrus Andy Reid, it’s a good day. Hope the endoscopy goes well!
Andy Reid walrus is always a welcome sight.
Good luck with the endoscopy Dave.
I can’t believe the officiating in the Giants game. For a game between two garbage teams the refs were the worst thing on the field. I can’t believe Daks injury, that was horrible. I’m happy to hear his surgery was successful.
I love the Andy Reid Walrus but it would be hilarious if he was wearing a face shield. If they ever lose again.
Good luck with the endoscopy, and hopefully you’ll be on the road to feeling better soon.
really shitty of the insurance people to have it delayed this long, but then that’s what insurance is for I suppose…
Andy Reid Walrus . . . Andy WalReid?
You Can’t be rooting for the giants to win, it makes no sense for them to do so. Go 0-16 for Touchdown Trevor
I’m not a fan of them tanking, personally. The Giants have SO MANY problems all over the organization, getting Trevor Lawrence isn’t going to mystically make them better. Especially when Jones is the most pressured QB in the league, thanks to that AWESOME OL. So, first and foremost they need to finish the payments in the deal with Satan they clearly made in order to beat the Patriots twice. Only then can they move forward.
The good news is *IF* they go 0-16, it’s safe to say we will have seen enough of Daniel Jones (barring inury) to move in another direction without second guessing. I forgive some of what’s happened because he’s getting assaulted on most plays, but the fumbles HAVE to stop. He spent an entire offseason focused on correcting the problem, and he’s shown ZERO improvement taking care of the ball.
Personally, my vote for how things play out would be this: Judge gets a better handle on what he’s got to use and how to maximize it, they win a few games, Jones starts clicking once the protection improves, and they end the season on a positive note. They’re playing hard for Judge, they’re just not very good.
I am extremely rooting for the Bears this weekend.
I appreciate the comics being produced despite the pain and I hope the endoscopy finds something easily resolvable.
Managed to go to the Browns game this week. It crazy actually going to a game where the Browns are good.
Also, silver lining of big Rona is that there’s so much room at the stadiums with the social distancing, it’s nice not to be stuck with a ton of people around you.
Good luck on the endoscope. I’d give you speculation if I knew more about exactly what was going on (ER Doc), but hopefully it’s something easy.
Aw man I love Old Man Brees. I hope we see more of him
Old man Brees hair line has been running a 50yard fade for years. Too much hair in the comic.
I’d like to think that you 100% predicted Henry yeeting Norman.
I thought this same thing lol
Actually Dave, Justin Herbert wears #10, not #11.