THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Finally, after weeks of lean eating, we had some fucking CHAOS to munch on.
The Dolphins were just as pathetic as expected against the Ravens, so that wasn’t too chaotic. What WAS chaotic is that the game was so bad the Dolphins fired GM Chris Grier, a move that was long overdue. McDaniel is expected to survive till Black Monday. We shall see.
Sunday gave us the good though, even in the bad games. Falcons/Patriots looked to be a rout by New England early on before the Falcons crept back into the game and had a chance to pull off the go-ahead drive but came up short. The Titans kept the Chargers on their toes, never letting LA have a lead they were comfortable with. The Saints started Tyler Shough, which was the only notable thing about that game. The 49ers ran all over the Giants, who were missing most of their secondary and all of their energy. The Texans suffered a tough game in a tough season, forced to play Davis “Necks Man Up” Mills. But they kept it close with Denver regardless.
The real juice came from the Colts, Packers, and Lions games, as well as the Jags/Raiders masterpiece. The Colts were due to finally struggle and the Steelers decided to show up this time. They forced Daniel Jones to look like Giants Daniel Jones for a while and forced numerous turnovers. The Vikings somehow beat Detroit IN Detroit, despite JJ McCarthy looking like butt every time he threw the ball. I had a running joke going with my table of friends. When JJ would go back to pass, we’d wonder if it would be too low, behind the receiver, or too far in front. Never in stride, never in the breadbasket, always forcing unnecessary effort out of the WR to catch it. It was almost always one of them. It never felt like JJ could place a ball in a way that actually helped the receiver, even when they caught it. This problem lead directly to the Terrion Arnold pick. Stick JJ on a team with worse WR corps and this probably looks even worse.
But then we have the Packers/Panthers game. I’ve been down on the Panthers this year and I still don’t think they are a good team, but I must concede they might be…okay. Feisty. Mid. Good enough to cause trouble. The Packers are absolutely underperforming despite their record and don’t look to be nearly the titan the hype promised. Jordan Love is inconsistent. The defense is inconsistent. The team is inconsistent. Letting a 4-4 Panthers squad that has no big wins to its name come into Lambeau and shut you down in a defensive struggle? Embarrassing.
Bills/Chiefs went exactly as I expected. The Bills have won the regular season matchup 4 times now. Until they do it in the playoffs, it won’t matter. I’ve seen some people start to discuss the Chiefs potentially missing the playoffs, seeing as they are 3rd in the west and currently out of the picture. DO NOT DO THIS. Don’t be stupid. They aren’t out until they are hard stamped out.
The biggest chaos we have this week, besides our winner, was Jaguars/Raiders. First off, congratulations to Cam Little for successfully bumping the sex pest out of the recordbooks, kicking a 68 yard field goal that would have been good from 70, like his preseason kick was. Secondly, this is a horrible indictment on Jacksonville that a matchup with the Raiders came down to a blocked pass on a two point conversion attempt in overtime. The Jaguars are not a good team. The Raiders? Even worse. The first half of this game was unwatchable tripe until the kick. Great stuff.
Cardinals/Cowboys ended the week with plenty of stupid as well, as the Cowboys flopped in primetime again and the Cardinals finally managed to seal a 4th quarter lead.
GIANTS CORNER
–Good news! Any chance that Dart could save the jobs of everyone involved in this organization is definitely dead. Bowen sucks. Daboll sucks. Schoen sucks. Whatever positive points they may have are clearly outweighed by their failures. The roster has holes. The defense, even with injuries, seems poorly run and called. Daboll is a joke. Whatever positives Daboll has as an offensive coordinator just isn’t enough to justify everything else he sucks at. This team looked like it just gave up against a beatable and hobbled San Francisco team.
I like Dart. I like him enough to hope the new regime builds around him. I think his skills translate. I just hope this trainwreck doesn’t destroy his confidence first because that’s his strongest asset.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I watched the games from a sports bar this past weekend with some old friends. I was keeping tabs on all the games (outside Broncos/Texans, which nobody in the bar cared about). The Bears/Bengals TV was far away from me, but everytime I looked up, the lead had switched. Tee Higgins catching impossible passes. Caleb doing shit. The game was far more fun than everything else. But late in the quarter the Bears were up 41- 27 with a couple minutes to go and I thought to myself “okay, Bears pulled away, I can stop looking over there”.
Not long after the local Bears fan of the bar starts yelling and fist pumping. I am confused, the game was won minutes ago, only to look up and see the Bears TE running it in for a score to…go up 47 to 42. What the fuck happened? How did the Bengals close that gap in a minute?
The Final 2 minutes of Bears Bengals is what happened. An incredible capstone to what was already the best game of the week.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The Refs blow it on another play that is Not Reviewable, this time a tipped pass being called Intentional Grounding on the Chiefs. I said it last week, I’ll say it again: Everything should be reviewable.
–ITS A NEW WORLD RECORD
THE VIBE CHECK
– Sometimes a team does so poorly the vibes rebound due to response. That’s what the Dolphins firing Chris Grier can do for you. The Panthers vibes are pretty great right now, probably because nobody had high expectations for the year and they’ve managed to be 5-4.
The Commies are now officially in the dirt. People are so mad they are calling for Dan Quinn’s job. It’s rough in DC again. It’s hard to not notice the parallels but I don’t think this is an RG3 situation again. It was Jayden’s left elbow. As far as joint injuries go, you couldn’t ask for a better joint to fuck up. It’s his off arm. While he’s probably out for the year (and should be, honestly), this shouldn’t affect his career or mechanics. Should Daniels have still been in the game at that point? Probably not. I don’t think it’s the level of mismanagement of the Vikings with Wentz or Shanahan with RG3. Daniels didn’t trigger a previous injury, it was a freak accident. It sucks, but I think Commies should just frown at the punt of a season and start playing dudes on the bubble to prep for next year.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Wanna see the funniest play of the week? Masterpiece from the snap.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Jayden, noooo! Elbows aren’t supposed to bend that way! I will not link this.
CHAOS WATCH
–This is a great win for Carolina. We may have a great spoiler team ahead of us.
FRAUD WATCH
–This is a great win for Carolina. You’d still be a fool to trust them at this stage.
-The Chargers immediately struggled when their offensive line started getting hurt before rebounding. Now Joe Alt is out for the season. Not good!
-The Chiefs are being questioned. Stop that.
-Who knows what is up with the Dolphins now. Things might look up!
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-I knew we were in for some good old fashioned murder when Seattle scored, got a turnover on the kickoff, then instantly scored again. Seattle smothered the Commies and then just to add insult to injury Jayden Daniels’ elbow turned backwards in the final 7 minutes. You could make the argument he should have been taken out of the game by then anyway. All in primetime. One of the worst losses a team can have.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–We had some competition for this part this week. The Lions, the Colts, and the Packers all came out flat against teams they should have beaten. The Colts at least lost to a good team. The Packers lost at home to a upstart and feisty Panthers squad, but despite the egg they laid it was a close match. I think the Lions deserve the most blame here. It was in Detroit, the Vikings offensive line is swiss cheese, McCarthy looked like ass for most of the game (I swear, almost every pass was in a place that was horrible for the WR to reach), and the Lions still lost like losers. This is the first game this year in which I would be very worried as a Lions fan.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The bar I was in had at least two TVs for every game on Sunday. Despite this, only one TV in a corner was dedicated to Texans/Broncos, and halfway through the game someone switched it to Colts/Steelers. Nobody complained. The Texans were worse, so they get the nod.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – WAIFU WEEK
RAIDERS @ BRONCOS
Thursday Night divisional weirdness might screw over Denver on this one, but I can’t actually try to pick this upset.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Geno Smith as Fubuki
FALCONS @ COLTS
Falcons bad. Colts Good. Penix drooping.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penix as Chika Fujiwara
GIANTS @ BEARS
The Bears can put up points. That’s the Giants achilles heel, other teams putting up points. Any points, really.
If the Giants win, I will draw Jaxon Dart as Aqua
BILLS @ DOLPHINS
Miami always plays Buffalo closer than expected but hell no to that upset pick.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Zero Tua
RAVENS @ VIKINGS
PURPLE FIGHT. I think the Ravens are going to go on their mid-season recovery mode now, and also JJ McCarthy sucks.
If the Vikings win, I will draw JJ McCarthy as Misato Katsuragi
BROWNS @ JETS
Christ. Ew. No. Thank god this isn’t in primetime so we can just never see it.
If the Jets win, I will draw Justin Fields as Faye Valentine
PATRIOTS @ BUCS
The Patriots finally face a good team. Even with the injuries, I gotta go Bucs.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye as Marin Kitegawa
SAINTS @ PANTHERS
The Saints be ass.
If the Saints win, I will draw Tyler Shough as Kurisu Makise
JAGUARS @ TEXANS
Jaguars are mid and barely won the first matchup, and now the Texans are at home, giving me a prime “fuck it, do the Sexy Trevor” bet. So go Texans.
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Mai Sakurajima
CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks, rough ‘em up.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Marvin Harrison Jr as Ai Hoshino
RAMS @ 49ERS
The biggest question in this game will be which player the 49ers lose for the season.
If the 49ers win, I will draw George Kittle as Nami
LIONS @ COMMIES
Lions probably want revenge after the playoffs last year, oh and also the Commies suck now.
If the Commies win, I will draw Marcus Mariota as Ochaco Uraraka
STEELERS @ CHARGERS
This feels like a bullshit Steelers win to me, especially with Alt gone.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Saber
EAGLES @ PACKERS
Eagles probably gonna false start and illegal formation the fuck out of the Packers on 15 straight tush pushes just to rub it in
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love as Yor
BYES: Cowboys, Bengals, Titans, Chiefs
A TIE
If we get a tie, the QBs as Rem and Ram
