THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–We had some real chaos to start the week with the Eagles finally fully exposing themselves as true frauds. The Good Vibes Giants clobbered them in primetime and the Eagles couldn’t hide any of it. There was no gritty win at the end. No one-half offensive explosion to cover up the deficiencies. They got exposed. The Giants got a win they haven’t had in years, and the Eagles got pantsed.
But then things chilled out hard. Very low chaos week. A few games teased fun but nothing really funny happened. The Jets offense is atrocious and London was treated to a real stinker. The offense had -10 passing yards! I know Justin Fields has been screwed by circumstances but damn, he also sucks. The Cardinals, forced to start Jacoby Brissett, gave the Colts a run for it but ultimately came up short. Same for the Dolphins, who gave the Chargers a genuine scare. Then the Chargers pulled a non-Chargering and got a big play and a field goal in the final 20 seconds. The Saints are kinda feisty, but they just aren’t good. Drake Maye however…looks to be the best of the 2024 class right now. The Browns sucked. The Jaguars stumbled and lost the mojo. The only sort of upset the week had was the Panthers beating the Cowboys. That wasn’t even that big of a surprise, as the Cowboys defense is one of the worst in the league. The surprise part was former Cowboy Rico Dowdle having a serious bone to pick and going on an absolute rampage. 230 scrimmage yards!
The afternoon slate didn’t deliver the chaos either. The Bucs handled the tough but limited 49ers, the Bengals couldn’t get it done despite the Packers remaining an underwhelming presence, and the Titans are a pile of shit that stinks so bad the owner fired Brian Callahan before he could go lose to Vrabel. We learned very little about anybody this week.
The Chiefs handled themselves against the Lions. The most chaotic thing about the game was probably Brian Branch getting a one-game suspension for acting like a dipshit after the bell. The Bills lost to Atlanta, who look pretty solid overall despite that bizarre Panthers loss. The Bills are also in trouble. Bears/Commies was a sloppy, ugly, wet game that at least managed to be interesting to the end. The Commies couldn’t hold onto the ball and Jake Moody of all people kicked a gamewinner.
GIANTS CORNER
–I’m going to start this off with a heat check. The Giants vibes are insane right now and that is a recipe for disaster. They are 2-4. Dart has won two games. The Chargers were away and missing half their o-line. The Eagles win came on a short week, without Jalen Carter, against a team that is most certainly a fraud with massive flaws. Just last week the Giants lost a game they should have won by being stupid. I know this franchise is starved for joy. I want Dart to be the truth too. But it’s been 3 fucking games. Chill the fuck out. This is still a bad team. Did you see Daboll gift the Eagles a timeout for no reason? Did you see the immature bullshit he pulled on the sideline after Dart got hurt that is at minimum going to result in a fine, possibly worse? How good is this win going to feel in two weeks if the Eagles come back and crush them then?
Right now the team’s energy is based around two bro golems who are like 1 bad play away from consussing themselves out of the game. Russ came in for 2 plays and the vibes instantly cratered.
Okay, enough rational thought and pessimism. That was the most cathartic win I have seen in over a decade. The Giants didn’t just beat the fucking Eagles in primetime, they took a belt to their ass. It’s been ages since the Giants put up 20 points in the first half. It’s been who knows how long since they got a second-half shutout. Watching Dart pick the Eagles apart while Skattebo pulverized them was so enjoyable that I don’t even care if it was just a lucky fluke game. The Giants have not had vibes since the early days of OBJ, but now they got vibes in spades. Dart has been better than I expected through 3 games. He’s much better at not panicking in the pocket than Jones was. He’s a great scrambler (though he needs to learn to slide and not do…this)
I screamed when the Giants picked off Hurts in the redzone. For the first time all year, I actually felt like the Giants were going to win the game well before the ending when on the subsequent drive, the Eagles fumbled. The reigning champs looked like pathetic weenies who didn’t want to be there all game. Saquon released his stupid vanity project documentary that day and was severely outplayed by a neanderthal in a football uniform. I haven’t enjoyed a Giants win this much probably since the Vikings playoff win in 2022, and even then, I knew at the time that game was fraud. This game might be a fluke, but for 10 days I get to gloat like an asshole and enjoy myself.
Also, both the Cowboys and Commies also lost, so it was the perfect week for me!
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
– The Giants embarrassed the Eagles so bad Za’Darius Smith retired. I did not want to put the Giants/Eagles game here because on the grand scheme of chaos this wasn’t that extreme. But we are dealing with extremely slim pickings this week. Since it was probably the biggest surprise of the week I’ll give it the nod. It did give us the joy of Cam Skattebo being a lunatic, Jaxson Dart high fiving a ref, and Saquon getting shamed on his big documentary day.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Jaxson Dart high-fives the ref
THE VIBE CHECK
– This is probably the only time all year the Giants vibes will be this high. I have to savor it. Meanwhile, this might end up being the worst the Eagles vibes are all year, provided they take their bye week to figure some shit out.
The Lions and Bills took a big hit too. The Lions lost a big chance for a statement win and Branch got suspended. The Bills looked unfocused and messy again. The Jaguars did nothing after that big win last week, the Commies stumbled, and the Rams looked bad and have a very weird kicking problem despite the win. Pittsburgh is chillin. The Falcons look good. The Patriots are flying high (too high, imo). The Bucs are demanding a Baker MVP, and I kind of agree with them so far.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–PICKED OFF!
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Titans have 55 seconds. Do or die. Cam Ward: oopsies!
CHAOS WATCH
–The AFC West is much worse than I expected them to be at this stage. The Chiefs have problems. The Chargers are suffering from injuries. The Raiders are abysmal and Geno has turned back into Jets Geno. The Broncos are uninspiring, namely on offense. This division is currently a mess and it is wide open to any one of the three teams that figures it’s shit out (it will not be the Raiders)
I’m coming around on the Saints. Are they a good team? No. They are a bad roster with a bunch of untenable placeholders for a future team. But they have some level of fight in them. They aren’t the Titans. If Spencer improves, and the team finds some more guts, they might be an annoying pest later on and they might be set up for a rise next year.
Speaking of the Titans, keep an eye out on the New Coach Bump.
FRAUD WATCH
–I said the Eagles would be in the fraud category the rest of the year if they lost to the Giants. I’m not sure I will commit to that bit, but they are going to sit there for now. At the very least, they are absolutely frauds with an inflated win total. They may figure it out and look like the champs again and earn their way out, or they may just fall apart completely until their record actually reflects how bad they are.
The Patriots have surprised this season and Drake Maye looks like Him. However…look at that schedule. Outside the Bills, they play nobody, and they already lost to Pittsburgh. This team is doing it right but the win total is probably going to end up inflated. This is a team I would be more worried about next year.
This is honestly the most stacked the suspicious category has ever been. The entire AFC is weak right now, and the NFC isn’t any more impressive. I don’t know who is truly good.
I want to give the Falcons a shoutout though, they are playing good defense and Bijan is unlocked. Unfortunately the Chiefs get Rashee Rice back right as the AFC leaders are a bunch of chumps.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-I guess Pittsburgh/Cleveland? We didn’t really have a total extreme beatdown this week.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Bills decided to match the Eagles and lose 2 in a row to teams they should have beaten. The AFC is just terrible.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–We knew the Ravens were toast, but the Rams didn’t even give them a good day and the Ravens still couldn’t do anything worth seeing.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – Due to family coming to visit, I may not actually be able to do picks this weekend. I will make them and list them here in case I can, but this week may be somewhat limited. As such, no theme.
STEELERS @ BENGALS
Man it would be funny if the Fightin Flaccos won this game. It is a TNF chaos matchup, it’s a bad team on the road, it’s a divisional game….the recipe is there for stupid.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Flacco Kamehameha’ing Rodgers
RAMS @ JAGS
Rams didn’t look great on Sunday despite everything, and Puka got hurt. The Jags however also looked stagnant and pathetic. I don’t know who is good anymore. Rams I guess.
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence in Jaguar print hotpants
EAGLES @ VIKINGS
I think both of these teams are frauds, but I would adore seeing Carson Wentz punk his old team. Still, uh, man I have no fucking clue. I guess Vikings? Home team? Good defense going against a very stilted offense?
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts
PATRIOTS @ TITANS
Patriots continue the bitch slap the weenies tour, and you can guarantee Vrabel is going to enjoy sticking it to his old employer.
If the Titans win, I will draw Vrabel being kicked out of Tennessee a second time
PANTHERS @ JETS
The Jets should just be automatically written off as a loss until they can prove otherwise. Panthers are at least functional this year.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Glenn doing the Shawkshank Redemption pose
DOLPHINS @ BROWNS
Come on Dolphins. You have to be able to win this. You’ve tried to be respectable lately and fallen short but surely this is plausible?
If the Browns win, I will draw Dillon Gabriel surfing Mike McDaniel’s dead body
SAINTS @ BEARS
I love it when two bad teams fight. Both teams probably view this game as “winnable” and would be even more devastated if they lose. Taking the home team.
If the Saints win, I will draw Spencer Rattlersnake
RAIDERS @ CHIEFS
The Chiefs got a pretty big “We are still in this and very annoying” win against the Lions. Ugh.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Pete Carroll as a Vegas Showgirl
COLTS @ CHARGERS
I’d be a lot more excited about this game if the Chargers injury problems hadn’t made them feel significantly less threatening. I’ll go Colts, but this is yet another “are the Colts truly for real?” kinda game.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Mola Ram, Kali Ma’ing Indiana Jones
GIANTS @ BRONCOS
Well, I don’t exactly have a lot of faith in the Boncos, but I’m also not buying into the foolish Giants hype train yet. This is a real defense they have to fight now, in Denver. If the Giants can win this one convincingly, then maybe there’s some juice in all this.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam Skattebo and Jaxson Dart as Bevis & Butthead
PACKERS @ CARDINALS
The Packers are winning, and thats good for them, but they aren’t winning very convincingly. Concerning for the cheesers.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Jonathan Gannon telling everyone it’s a dry heat
COMMIES @ COWBOYS
Basically everyone has a career day against this Cowboys defense so…welcome back, Jayden Daniels hype!
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott as the man with no name
FALCONS @ 49ERS
The 49ers keep dropping like flies. I don’t know how they are still playing good football. Falcons, outside that Panthers game, are playing good football, but healthy.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Return of the Mac
BUCS @ LIONS
This might end up the game of the year. I’ll go home team. Lions are going to be playing angry after last week.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield calvin peeing on the ford logo
TEXANS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks just seem like a good team. Maybe not great, but solid, professional, and effective.
If the Texans win, I will draw a bull spearing Darnold
A TIE
If we get a tie, both QBs pooping, back and forth, forever
