WEEK 2 IN THE BOOKS! Sort of. We have *checks notes* two simultaneous games on tonight? What the fuck?

The Superbowl Hangover. It’s real, isn’t it? The Bengals are having a bad time. They looked like butt against the Steelers for 3 quarters, forced overtime, then lost anyway. This week they got a massively lucky roll of the dice and got the Cooper Rush Cowboys…and they looked like butt for 3 quarters, tied it up in the 4th on a last-minute drive, and then lost anyway. The defending AFC champions are not having a good time. Luckily for the Bengals, the entire division lost this weekend! You could argue they were the 3rd most embarassing loss of the division!

The Steelers continue to be absolutely owned by Bill Belichick. Mike Tomlin cannot outcoach Belichick to save his life. The Steelers cannot beat the Patriots. It’s pathetic. The Steelers, even without TJ Watt, should have been able to handle the Patriots. The Patriots handled them instead. Woeful. But that was the cleanest loss of the division. After the Bengals failure, we have the Ravens and Browns with absolutely unbelievable collapses.

The Ravens are the less embarassing loss of the two. They put up a ton of points and looked good, then the defense left the field early and the Dolphins just kept scoring over and over and over and look at that, Tua is good! Surround Tua with good players and a solid offseason and what do you know, he’s great. The Ravens should be thankful that the Browns exist, because holy moly.

Anytime before this season if this happened to the Browns we’d laugh, but it would be a pity laugh. A sad laugh. Now? No pity at all. Relished every second of that collapse. Let’s recap. The Browns punched in a TD to go up 30-17 with less than 2 minutes left. The Jets, with no timeouts, had 1:55 to score at least 13 points. They only needed 1:33. A quick 66-yard TD followed by an onside kick, followed by another quick drive, and the go-ahead TD. The Jets then intercepted Brissett to seal it. Unbelievable loss. There are probably fans who left after the Chubb go-ahead TD, got in their car, turned on the radio, and heard they lost. Hilarious. The Browns will always be the Browns.

But the comebacks didn’t stop there. The Cardinals forced a wild drunken comeback against the Raiders to give the Raiders their biggest choke in history by 20 points. The Falcons almost managed to come back from 28-3 against the Rams. The Commies almost managed to come back against the Lions, who look pretty legit in the quarters they decide to play.

In the other games this weekend, we had some fun results. The Colts continue their losing streak in Jacksonville. The Chargers continue to Charger. The Broncos might be absolutely terrible, and no win came with less enthusiasm than the 16-9 “win” against the Texans. The Giants had their second week in a row where they couldn’t do a single thing right in the first half, only to come out in the second half and look like the better team. Tom Brady finally beat New Orleans in the regular season and he might also be losing his marriage. Lastly, the Seahawks proved themselves fraudulent and the Trey Lance era is going to have to wait till next season. Poor kid.




So this week is going to be a bit on the wild side. I’m taking a vacation in the mountains for the week, starting Friday. I will not have access to my computer, but I will have access to TV and internet. So I’m going to try something. I’ll bring my sketchbook, and try to draw the cartoons…MANUALLY. Like a caveman. I also will try to draw next week’s comics manually. We’ll see how it goes. So keep this in mind: these are gonna look a little different.

This week is a nightmare of matchups I can’t call very easily. The Steelers? They almost lost week 1 then did lose week 2. The Browns? Same deal. The game is in Cleveland, so I guess I’ll just go with Cleveland for now.
If the Steelers win, I will draw a steel beam crushing the Brownie

I haven’t seen the Bills play the Titans yet, so I reserve to change this pick, but for now Bills
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a Dolphin giving Josh Allen an enema

The Jets can’t possibly beat the entire state of Ohio, can they? The Bengals can’t lose this, can they? If they do, it’s panic time.
If the Jets win, I will draw Joe Flacco peeing on the state of Ohio

Kind of reserving this to see how the Titans look against the Bills, but I’ll still go Titans here. EDIT, so the Titans might be shit, but I’ll give them this chance to save themselves
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car running over Derrick Henry

Jameis is apparently playing with back fractures. Seems bad. The Panthers are playing with Matt Rhule. Seems worse.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Matt Rhules For NFL Success

The Ravens need to play a complete game but John Harbaugh lives for the Patriots matchups and I think they still have the better team here.
If the Patriots win, I will draw the state of Massachusetts with a massive dick

The Lions have a squad. The Vikings do too, as long as they aren’t in primetime. I like drawing Dan Campbell so I’ll pick the Vikes and hope the Lions actually are for real.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell as the hulk

I think the Eagles are winning the East
If the Commies win, I will draw Carson Wentz punching an Eagle in the balls

The Colts are not good
If the Colts win, I will draw Matt Ryan as a centaur

The Bears are young but full of hope. The Texans are young and full of despair
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis “The Neck” Mills as The World Serpent

Herbie is hurt and the Jaguars have some fight in them, but this is a meaningless afternoon matchup that no one will watch. That’s the kind of game the Chargers win.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence looking more beautiful in a shampoo ad than Herbie

The Cardinals took 7 quarters before they remembered they were supposed to be good to start the year. I’m going to be bold…nevermind the Rams win
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Mean McVay impaled on a cactus

The Packers are going to have a hard time against that Bucs defense but I feel like Rodgers is going to out spite the goat here
If the Bucs win, I will draw Tom Brady as a goat

Two underachieving bird teams. I think the Hawks are gonna take it, on second thought
If the Falcons win, I’ll draw a Falcon defeating a Seahawk in a dogfight

If you love bad coaching, the Broncos are this year’s headquarters for baffling decisions. Nate Hackett looks in way over his head.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as a centaur, but his lower half is a Bronco (the vehicle)

The Cowboys defense is actually pretty stout. The Giants offense, despite having some life in the second half of games, has some issues it needs to work through. The Cowboys looked competent enough with Rush under center that I think this is a matchup problem. Should be a defensive, low-scoring affair that makes us all hate watching NFCE primetime football.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones, Vanilla Vick