CARTOON BETS WEEK 8 – A SCARY BAD WEEK FOR PICKS
I DID NOT DO VERY WELL THIS WEEK.
We’ve reached the part of the season when the early surging teams start to level out and lose games they shouldn’t and maybe reveal the beginnings of being frauds. Who are they? Hard to know. We are also in the part of the season when teams who were struggling to put it together early have started to find that rhythm. The mid-season sea changes are beginning to occur, and I hate it. The real contenders will reveal themselves in the second half, and many of the first contenders will falter.
In my defense, a few of these results are games I would wager most of the country got wrong. The Jets Mike White going ham on the Bengals probably singlehandedly ruined 60-70% of eliminator picks this week. We just decided the Bengals were for real, and they drop a game to…the Jets? The Patriots, despite not being too bad, probably weren’t expected to beat the Chargers, in LA. The Packers, despite being good, also seemed like a reasonable choice to lose once Davante Adams and Lazard were lost with Covid. I even called that one, but walked it back when I saw that news. I’m boo boo the fool. Lastly, the Saints obviously have the ability to beat the Bucs as we saw last season, but did anyone expect that to happen once Jameis went out?
The rest were just tough games between mediocre teams not going my way. I’m still good at picking the Colts and Dolphins (just one miss apiece) and the Panthers have emerged as my other nemesis. The NFC South is just a big ol’ pile of Fuck Dave.
It’s hard to say if we really learned anything concrete this week. The Packers are for real and might be the best team in the NFC and they put us all on notice. The Cowboys are also very legit and it sucks. I think at this point we can safely say that Taylor Heinike is not the answer for the TEAM long term, and that Urban Meyer is a terrible pro-level coach. To come off a bye and lose so badly to the weakest Seahawks squad we’ve seen in a decade…yikes. Carson Wentz is still Carson Wentz. A player still full of potential who will just straight up brainfart the ball to you a couple times per game. Justin Fields had his best game yet, as Nagy sat home. What a coincidence.
Biggest news of the week, as of writing, is that Derrick Henry broke his foot and needs surgery. I am very sad. Von Miller also just got traded. More on that Wednesday.
Here you go, spooky pics
Might be the last time I draw Von Miller as a Bronco. Weird.
PICKS FOR WEEK 9
JETS @ COLTS
I want to believe the Mike White story is real but one week against an opponent who probably overlooked you and didn’t have any film on you doesn’t automatically mean you are Tom Brady. The Bengals likely got trapped and surprised and maybe aren’t quite as good as we all hoped. The Colts seem to be the Colts, a mediocre team with the potential to be good, held back by Carson Wentz turnovers and some roster issues. They can beat the Jets.
If the Jets win, I will draw Mike White ripping a horse in half
RAIDERS @ GIANTS
The Giants are bad and Derek Carr is making an argument for taking him seriously as a top QB again.
If the Giants win, I will draw the Statue of Liberty wearing a Daniel Jones jersey beating up the inferior Vegas version
FALCONS @ SAINTS
Calvin Ridley is taking a break from football for his mental health and the Saints just beat the Bucs with Trevor Semen busting a nut. I swear if the Saints lose this game they are actively reading this page and purposefully trying to ruin me.
If the Falcons win, I will draw the Falcons stadium as a giant gaping sandworm swallowing Sean Payton.
BILLS @ JAGUARS
Urban Meyer is a bad coach and hiring him was a mistake!
If the Jags win, I will draw Urban Meyer and Shad Khan grinding on each other wearing buffalo skulls
BROWNS @ BENGALS
It’s honestly a bummer seeing this Browns season get so upturned by injury. They had a chance to make some hey this year but they are just so banged up.
If the Browns win, I will draw Baker proudly holding the OHIO trophy
PATRIOTS @ PANTHERS
The Pats beating the Chargers was their best and arguably most important win of the season. If they come off that and drop a game against Sam fucking Darnold and the confused and wimpy panthers, they should be embarrassed.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Hey Darnold stomping on Bill in revenge
BRONCOS @ COWBOYS
The Broncos are officially going for the rebuild and the Cowboys won a game with Cooper Rush starting. Don’t pick the Broncos.
If the Broncos win, I will draw the state of Colorado kool-aid man’ing the state of Texas
VIKINGS @ RAVENS
PURPLE FIGHT! I wasn’t going to pick the Vikings anyway, but to go out in primetime and lose in such embarrassing fashion to Dallas without Dak, I finally understand why some Vikings fans want Zimmer fired.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins squashing a Raven with Mjölnir
TEXANS @ DOLPHINS
THE DOLPHINS MIGHT WIN A GAME!
If the Texans win, I will draw Miami underwater from climate change, with the fans happy about it
CHARGERS @ EAGLES
The Eagles came out of nowhere to slaughter the Lions. The Lions were supposed to be the best winless team out there, and they did that. The Eagles aren’t a good team, but they seem capable of random surprises. I’m giving the Chargers my support once more, but if they drop this one, it’s back to never trusting them.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts burying a gravestone that says Chargers Hype
PACKERS @ CHIEFS
The Chiefs are not right. The Packers are very right. Rodgers going to kill his State Farm buddy out of spite for taking the spotlight off him.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Mahomes winning the State Farm bowl, sponsored by State Farm
CARDINALS @ 49ERS
The 49ers almost lost to the Bears while the Cardinals probably would have beaten the Packers if AJ Green doesn’t have a brain fart. I think we can probably comfortably stuff the 49ers in the mediocre pile. Whatever they were in that super bowl season isn’t there now.
If the 49ers win, I will draw a prospector panning for gold, upset that Kyler is in the pan, because he’s fools gold
TITANS @ RAMS
Derrick Henry is dead and now the Rams have Von Miller. What the fuck
If the Titans win, I will draw AJ Brown kicking a ram in the balls
BEARS @ STEELERS
Battle of two teams without offense. This game is going to suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck to watch. Steelers probably win at home.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields dunking on Big Ben. The future is now, old man.
seriously dave wtf why
just really low effort wow
Von Miller just got traded to the Rams, an already stacked defense got even better
I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER! This level of non-service is UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!
*pulls out cell phone and starts filming* Come and see the lazy non-worker that’s inherent in this lazy generation! Do you see him repressing me with this refusal to deliver our entertainment!? You saw that, didn’t you!?!? HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!!!
This is the most devastating no-show I have seen since the Lions game yesterday….
I like the Simpsons reference on the cover image.
Even though it makes sense why it was changed up, I’m disappointed we missed out your original Crabbyman cartoon concept for a Saints win.
Also Vikings actually loved ravens and even used them as working pets during raids (as a low tech navigational tool for figuring out how close they were to dry land). So I don’t think they’d use Mjölnir on them.
Bill Meyers is awesome.
FANTASTIC. I’M GLAD YOU SUCK AT PICKING FOOTBALL WINS
What’s up with the Lions? I hadn’t expected a team with a two-time Pro Bowl quarterback who also has Super Bowl experience to be this bad.
For the second year in a row I have no idea what the Patriots are. What I do know is that Bill Belichick placed a curse on the Chargers after they embarrassed them back in 2005. He is now 10-1 against them since that game.
I think this year is a bit more straight forward than last tbh. They went toe to toe with two of the best teams in football. Moral victories may not show up in the W/L column but they can provide context. That context was if the pats could play cleaner (no fumbles, fewer stupid penalties) and more consistently, they could potentially beat anyone. They smashed the jets a couple of weeks ago. Yes the jets suck but good teams are supposed to beat up on bad teams. If they had slogged through the jets again like in week 2, I would have been legitimately concerned. Instead they took care of business like they should have and then some. This week, they beat a good team, on the road while still showing they have room for improvement. It validated some of that context from the TB and Dallas games. Not every win is going to be pretty and good teams have the ability to pull out ugly wins when things aren’t going smoothly. The Texans and chargers games are the exact types of games the 2020 pats definitely would have lost imo. Instead, they did just enough to pull off the win as a team. Now they have 3 games in a row against middling teams. How they fare over this next stretch will show whether or not they are really a good team or just another middling team with potential that can’t quite put it all together.
They’re definitely more straightforward than last year, but this season has still been weird for them. They have a strange obsession with making every game hotly competitive regardless of who they’re facing (unless it’s the Jets because lol Jets or something), but failing to close out said games because of a lack of talent and really conservative decision-making in crucial moments. Yet despite that, they are somehow sitting at .500 with an extremely favorable schedule moving forward.
Part of me thinks they can and should make a run straight for the postseason, which would really have a lot of people eating crow not only about Bill Belichick and his ability to coach a team, but also Mac Jones and his ability to play quarterback at the professional level.
Part of me also thinks that combo of making literally every game highly competitive and not being able to close out games will bite them in the ass.
Gonna be very interesting to see how this season plays out for them either way. I’m just glad Mac Jones looks good.
“They have a strange obsession with making every game hotly competitive regardless of who they’re facing”
Not gonna lie, this sounds like every Superbowl they’ve been in since BB took over. Part of that this season has been due to the conservative play calling you mentioned imo. How many opportunities did they have to put away TB and Dallas? Instead, of going for the kill shot, they turtle up and play to desperately preserve that one score lead, even if it means not scoring themselves. Then they wait till the end of the game when they have no other choice to make plays. It’s like they want every game to be decided by one score. That wasn’t the case against the jets and even the chargers. The play calling against the chargers wasn’t so much conservative as it was derp-tastic. At least they were putting themselves in position to score. Progress… I guess? But seriously, the next ball carrier that fumbles needs to have a finger broken to send a message because whatever they are doing, isn’t working.
Non-Bengals fans said they were real. Bengals fans knew better. They always play down to the competition.
Jaguars: Close win.
Bears: Close loss.
Lions: Close for the first half.
They’re a few steps ahead of schedule, but they’re still the Bengals.
“THE DOLPHINS MIGHT WIN A GAME!
If the Texans win, I will draw Miami underwater from climate change, with the fans happy about it”
Yep, that pretty much encapsulates it perfectly.
“Smithers are they booing me?”
Smithers: “No, no! …They’re saying ‘Boo-urns, Boo-urns’!”
Mr. Burns: “Are you say ‘Boo’ or ‘Boo-urns’?”
Crowd: “Boo!”
Moleman: “I was saying ‘Boo-urns…”
just noticed the 28 and 3 on the two ghosts Hey Darnold was siccing on Ryan 🙂
Hey Dave, here’s your pool update post week 8:
You got an 8, which was surprisingly good for upper-middle of the pack on the week. There were four 10’s and a few 9’s. There were also three 5’s, including the (former) leader of the pool, me. So yeah, rough week for everyone.
Overall you have a 77, which is good for a tie from 7th – 10th. The current leader has 87.