Call me old-fashioned but I liked it when football coaches weren’t hot. I dunno whats going on these days but now all these guys are smokin. Football coaches are supposed to look hard. Haggard. Like the job is the only thing that keeps ’em going and they could drop dead from a heart attack at any second. Healthy, fit coaches? Some bullshit. Now the league is full of a buncha fit nerdy twinks who look good in athletic shirts like they could be your gym’s most expensive personal trainer. It’s okay to have a couple o’ guys out there who got some sophisticated good looks. Mike Tomlin? Keepin it solid for over a decade. But now we got a plague of these youngstas and it sickens me. Where is the alcoholism? Where are the divorces? Where are the kids who went no contact and hate ya because you was too busy in the film room every day at 3am to tuck them into bed and make mommy stop crying?

I blame twink nerd Kyle Shanahan. Fuck Kyle Shanahan. Mike Shanahan was a damn COACH. His face formed new wrinkles and shades of red every damn Sunday. Kyle wears a stupid fuckin flat brim and reads his fuckin flowcharts and data points for his fancy offenses where dudes don’t even have defined positions anymore. Whats a Deebo? What’s he play? Who fuckin knows, mr fancy flat brim don’t play by the rules. The rules are the fuckin RULES. Then his fancy ass shits out that McVay turd and he gets hired by the Rams and wins a buncha games looking like that annoying guy at the gym who can’t stop yelling pump up phrases at you when you just wanna bench some fuckin plates. Probably wears a dumb headband in the gym so his gelled hair doesn’t get messed up. This guy is our fuckin coach prototype now?

Matt LeFleur. LeFuck you. Mike McDaniel? Go back to playing supah nintendo. John Gannon? He’s like what if Slendahman got ripped. Mike McDonald? This man aint a fucking coach. He’s the most annoying salesman at a company who never shuts the fuck up about his dumbbell routines. Why do we have so much fuckin faith in the defensive knowledge of a guy who failed out of his childhood karate class but started liftin to compensate for his short stature and tells everyone he was a blackbelt? This Dave Canales guy walked straight out of a damn underwear ad and got the Panthers job because Tepper don’t know jack shit about football.

Doug Pederson. Now that’s a fuckin football coach. Sean Payton. You know that man gives no fucks about his family. Hell even that man Stefanski got some hard grey on him, and he’s got the jaw of a lumberjack instead of an influencer. How did we let Bill Belichick go? Why is Mike Vrabel unemployed? Vrabel man, now that’s what a young former player coach is supposed to look like. He got that husk on him. DeMeco Ryans looks like he has a fuckin skin routine. I recognize no coach you can see your reflection in.

Even the fuckin older guys are jacked now. Dan Campbell, where is the Dan potbelly? Dan Quinn! That’s the Dan I’m talkin about. There’s a reason Kyle Shanahan keeps walking home empty-handed in Super Bowls while Andy Reid stuffs his 3rd victory plate of spare ribs down this week. Andy is a true professional football coach. Why doesn’t anyone respect their superiors? Nick Sirianni? It pains me, but he at least looks like nobody fuckin likes him. If Brian Daboll keeps losing weight I want him off the team immediately. Bring back Joe Judge. Joe was a fuckin coach. Ben McAdoo? Once he slicked that hair back like a greasy cutlet he should have been given a 10 year extension.

We reached peak football coach with Big Tuna. Even his fuckin name is football. Big Tuna. The man went out there like an angry bull every damn day in a baggy sweater no matter the weather so he could tell every player on the field they sucked shit. Imagine Johnathan Gannon telling you that you suck shit. You’d immediately take him out at the knees. I hate all these young hotboy coaches. Players can be as hot as they want. Coaches? Coaches need to look like they just crawled out of a rocky ditch they drunkenly drove their truck into. Thank fuckin god Jim Harbaugh is back in the league. Save us all, Angry Jim. We need you more than ever.