WEEK 18 CARTOON BETS! – Lovie Gives No Fucks
And that’s a wrap on the season. Next up is playoffs. One final normal Chaometer before the annual Chaos Bandwagon Guide on Friday.I also plan to do a Chaos season wrap up and awards once the full season has ended.
As expected, the chaos wasn’t high this week, but we had a little bit of fun. Dallas, playing for the #1 seed, completely shat the bed. The Titans trapped the Jaguars into a textbook ugly Titans game until one silly fumble turned the game around. The Rams put up a fight in what might be Sean McVay’s final game until an unfortunate penalty on Ramsey set the Hawks up to…doink the shit out of the upright and then wait until overtime to win. Kenny Golladay caught a touchdown! It took him two years and till the final offensive snap the Giants had to do it, but by god, the man finally scored. The Broncos won! The Chargers decided to start everyone and play the game for real, only to lose anyway and possibly lose Mike Williams for the playoffs. The Lions did their damndest to ruin Aaron Rodgers’ day and possibly send his Packers career out on a sad loss to a disappointing season. I love it.
But I think CHAOS OF THE WEEK has an easy contender. Lovie Smith gives zero fucks, baby. The Texans started the year against the Colts and notably played for the tie in overtime, with a cowardly punt as time wore down. That Lovie is gone. Instead, the Lovie Smith who is probably going to be fired as the Texans once again try to figure out how to run a franchise decided to give everyone the finger and play for the damn win. He went for two with the game on the line, and you could hear the screams of millions of Houston fans as they converted. I understand why Houston fans didn’t want this to happen. Long term, getting that #1 pick would be ideal, as now the Bears can trade it away to a team like the Colts for the #1 prospect. But I don’t blame Lovie or Davis Mills or anyone else on that team for playing their hearts out. Why should Davis Mills roll over just for his inevitable replacement? These guys careers are all on the line, either here in Houston or for their resume elseware. A few may never play another snap. It honestly brought a smile to my face to see. Fuck the team that is about to scorn you, play some damn ball.
GIANTS CORNER: A lot of Giants fans wanted them not to rest anyone. The memories of 2007 are strong and we all remember how they put up a fight against the Patriots and the momentum carried into the playoffs. I’ve always kind of hated that narrative that the Giants did it for the honor of the sport or something. They didn’t have to play anyone! Their seed was set, but they still went out there and gave it their all! It’s bullshit. As much as it would be nice to believe, there was absolutely something to play for in that game: the chance to knock the undefeated Patriots off their high horse. That’s why Coughlin and company played all out that game, even if nobody wants to admit it. It wasn’t about the honor of playing hard with nothing on the line. Coughlin rested the starters the very next year when they were in the same position. I think the Giants 2007 game has generated this myth of playoff momentum and how resting causes sluggishness but I’ve never really bought it. I was fine with the Giants resting their most important players against the Eagles. On top of keeping the stars healthy, it gives the regime a good look at players on the bubble before the hard offseason decisions have to get made. Also, they put up a better fight against the Iggles than I expected.
MOST UNWATCHABLE GAME OF THE WEEK: Did anyone watch Saints/Panthers? Bless your soul if you did.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: I mean Dallas takes this one by a mile. The chances they take the #1 seed and the division were always fairly low, but they didn’t even seem to try. Dak looked terrible. The entire team looked off. If there is such a thing as entering the playoffs with momentum, the Cowboys are doing the opposite.
PICS! Had a good week to close it out, and the Lions win is some of my finest work for the season
PLAYOFFS! As always, the playoffs are different. Each game gets a picture regardless of whether or not I get the pick right. My picks are irrelevant! Now is the time to root for the picture you want to see if you have no specific interest.
DOLPHINS @ BILLS
The Fish managed to squeak into the playoffs thanks to some tiebreakers and barely beating the Jets. While we are spared the spectacle of the Bills crushing Billy two years in a row, we got a potentially more interesting game. If everyone is healthy. The Dolphins hate Tua’s head but they already beat Buffalo once this season. Still, hard to pick the team that wouldn’t even be in the playoffs if we had the system from two years ago.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua bodyslamming a flaming Josh Allen
If the Bills win, I will draw a dolphin leaping out of the water, with Josh Allen hurdling it
RAVENS @ BENGALS
The Ravens get my pick this year for “Team that sucks and is hurt but won just enough games to sneak in and die in the wildcard round”. Does anyone have faith in these Ravens, who just this week lost to the Bengals already? We don’t know if Lamar is going to be ready by this weekend, and even if he is, he will likely be limited. The Ravens have spent the season giving up leads and the Bengals are playing angry after getting the short straw thanks to the NFL’s Hamlin situation management.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Edgar, Allen, and Poe (the Ravens mascots) as a k-pop trio
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joey the Tiger from the top rope
CHARGERS @ JAGUARS
The Chargers are, as usual, overlooked. They are healthy…well, they were, before starting everyone in a meaningless game. But they are still mostly healthy. The Jaguars have been a very fun story over the second half of the year and they already beat LA once this season, so this might low-key be the best game of the weekend. I think the Chargers take this and force us to pay attention to them only to lose next week.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Marylin Monroe
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Pikachu and Joey Bosa as Electabuzz
COWBOYS @ BUCS
Jason Garrett of all people alerted me to an interesting stat on a postgame show. The Cowboys are 1-4 this season on natural grass. One of those losses was to the Bucs in week 1. If a team is used to a certain type of turf and looks this bad when not on it, that’s a bad sign. I would personally be ecstatic if the Cowboys season was bookended by losses to the Bucs in the Bucs worst season with Brady. That would be *chefs kiss*.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott as the “peace sign over a grave” meme
If the Bucs win, I will draw an ancient goat kungfu master
GIANTS @ VIKINGS
FRAUD BOWL! The Giants drew the one matchup in the wildcard round I think they actually have the best chance to win. They are healthier than they were in the late-season game. The Vikings are less healthy, namely on the O-line. I’m…cautiously optimistic the Giants could actually win this. Do I think they will? No. Do I think they should be favored? No. But this matchup was a great game just a few weeks ago, so hopefully, fraud bowl 2 pays off.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones hoisting the Fraud Bowl trophy
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins hoisting the Fraud Bowl trophy
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
There is honestly a part of me disappointed that we aren’t going to get Aaron Rodgers getting crushed by the 49ers in the playoffs for the 5th time in his career, because this matchup is less interesting than that. The 49ers are my pick to win the NFC this season and the Seahawks barely made it. Geno, you did your best, but this team just isn’t built to win any playoff games.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith playing the drums, but all the drums are 49ers players heads
If the 49ers win, I will draw Kyle Shanahan dunking on Pete Carroll
Saints-Panthers holds much beer for Jets-Fins. If it watched as bad as it listened, it’s probably just as well we’re gonna get hoofed by Buffalo next weekend. At least Carolina and N’Awlins had a touchdown apiece. Us? Five field goals and a safety.
Jets/Fish was probably a worse game but it also had something on the line, adding tension. Panthers Saints had no value
My wife went into labor on Saturday, so I spent the weekend wandering around a hospital in my Dolphins hoodie. All Sunday I kept getting asked how Miami was doing, and because I had newborn stuff going on I would just shrug and say, “Probably terrible.” Turns out I was right! Also, it turns out they were less terrible than the goddamned Jets! Also, also, turns out they somehow stole a spot in the fucking playoffs!
Little miss Skylar Thompson Tagovailoa LvrLoxFla is doing great, btw.
i cant stop “hahaha” you know
we did not get a losing record make a comic about that
The Texans just Fired Lovie Smith after he said he ¨expects to be back¨ in the post game conference.
Davis Mills also said ¨ I expect to be starting next year, I have proven by ability to win games but it is ultimately not my call¨. He went 5-20-1 as the Texans starting QB.
Also Goodbye JJ Watt, you were a legend in the game and will be sorely missed.
Maybe Mills was just referring to winning in the AFC South, where he is somehow 4-4-1 in his career and was 3-2-1 this season.
The Texans stat that really encapsulates the season for me is that, despite being completely abandoned as a ball carrier after the first game (more than half of his carries came in the tie against the Colts), Rex Burkhead kept getting thrown 3rd down checkdowns and wound up tied for 3rd on the team in receptions (with 37, only 8 of which went for 1st downs). The only other players in the league who were even close to Burkhead’s number of receptions, low YPC, and low % of first downs caught were running backs who also all ran for at least 700 yards… Burkhead had 80 rushing yards this year. I’m not really blaming Burkhead, he’s an aging veteran on a bad offense playing the thankless role of a 3rd down back whose job is entirely to block blitzing players or catch passes behind the line of scrimmage on failing plays and not fumble them, but his stat line this year was a great illustration of how inept the entire offense was.
2022 Offensive Texans Stats.
-Davis Mills Finished (16th in Passing yards, 29th (Y/A), 16th Passing Touchdowns, 1st in Interceptions, 29th in Passing Completion, 32nd in Passer Rating, 29th QBR)
– Josh Jacobs, Derrick Henry, and Nick Chubb all had more rushing yards than the entire Texans Backfield.
-7 different Wide Receivers/ Tight Ends finished as the receiving yards leader in a game for us
-No Wide Receiver had more than 700 receiving yards than us and no Reciever caught more than 3 touchdowns.
-Brandin Cooks our leading receiver finished 53rd in receiving yards behind Deandre Hopkins and Cooper Kupp who both played only 9 games.
-31st in Total Yards, 25th in Passing Yards, 31st in Rushing Yards, 31st in PPG, 2nd in Turnovers
I’m just happy we had a winning season
Steelers haven´t had a losing record since 2003, and Mike Tomlin extends his streak to 17, but its been 5 years since the steelers last playoff win.
Thanks for killing the mood dickhead
It was a weird season for the Steelers.
Coming into the season with the roster we had, I was expecting that we would get 6 to 8 wins, with playoffs not in the picture for us. We ended up doing a bit better than I thought we would; 9 wins and in the hunt for the playoffs through the final week.
But at the same time, there were so many dumb mistakes that cost us games that it’s hard not to be a little frustrated. The muffed punt against the Patriots, 4 dropped picks against Miami, the red zone picks and blocked FG against the Ravens, the blown defensive stand against Zach Wilson & the Jets, etc.
With better execution (no changes to our o-line, no change to our offensive coordinator, with our rookie QB and everything), we potentially could have cruised into the playoffs at 13-4 while playing the 4th most difficult schedule in the league.
Obviously we still can’t compete with the Chiefs, Bills, or Eagles without making some changes, so it’s not a Superbowl season, but it still feels like it was a missed opportunity.
I feel like the season went almost how people should have expected it to for Pittsburgh.
They were a young team that made some very significant changes over the offseason and opened their season with a brutal schedule. They trotted out Mitch Trubisky at QB, TJ Watt went down after week 1, and predictably, they tanked and started 2-6.
Then comes the bye. TJ Watt is back, and the schedule is significantly easier to close out the season. Kenny Pickett has long since taken over the starting job and beginning to come into his own as a solid, young passer and they quickly flip the script and close out the season 7-2, looking like one of the better teams in football that could steal a game or two in the playoffs if they caught a few breaks.
Obviously they still have some kinks to work out, and those early losses to Miami and New England really killed them, but honestly, if I were a Steelers fan, I’d be pretty satisfied with how this season went. They can definitely build off of this. Just gotta build up the OL to protect Pickett and get someone opposite TJ Watt who can also generate consistent pressure even when he’s not on the field. Pittsburgh definitely has one of the brighter futures in football right now.
Honestly the Steelers have a Solid Future. Their Defense was great down the stretch, and Kenny Pickett has shown potential. George Picken definitely has potential to be a #1 WR. Unfortunately, Najee Harris took a step back and the O-line was not good at all. Plus you’re in a difficult position in the AFC North, with the Browns, Bengals, and Ravens all being talented.
Rooting for Joey from the top rope. That would be a good one.
If the Seahawks go on a run, at some point you have to draw Geno Smith morphing into Jium Plunkett.
I’m perpetually annoyed that the Ravens didn’t name their mascot ‘Quoth’.
Chapeau, m’sieur.
Correction: the Cowboys lost to the Buccs week 1, but it was at Jerryworld, on turf. Not on grass.
“The Cowboys are 1-4 this season on natural grass. One of those losses was to the Bucs in week 1.”
I hate to be the “uhm ackshewly” guy here but they played that week 1 game in Dallas. Regardless, it would be absolutely comical if the Cowboys’ season ended at the hands of a decrepit Tom Brady and one of the worst teams to make the playoffs in recent memory.
I will lend you my hat for this week, but I’ll want it back the next time Dave says something silly that needs amending. XD
I love the big “fuck you” energy of this week!
-Lions, with no tangible football reason to play, played their tails off just to spite the Packers and bounce them out of the playoffs. In doing so, they became heroes to the entire league.
-Lovie Smith, as you mentioned, who was probably told by ownership that it would be okay if they lost and had a better shot at the #1 overall pick, decided to throw his nuts on the field and win anyway. Such a wonderful move for an absolutely god awful executive/ownership team that has done more to actively hamstring their team than any other franchise in the league.
-JJ Watt, in his last game, decides to say “fuck you” to Father Time and get a few last sacks in before he calls it quits and begins waiting for them to make him a golden jacket.
-Quandre Diggs of the Seahawks makes a nice interception in OT to set up the game-winning FG drive. As he goes out of bounds, he has the wherewithal to point and show the ball to BOBBY WAGNER in the quickest, cleanest “fuck you” taunt of the week.
This is the kind of stuff I love to see in week 18. When many teams have nothing to play for, they often choose spite. It’s petty, but glorious!!!
Don’t forget the Chiefs playing ring-around-the-rosie vs the Raiders…
Dave you know this comic https://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/the-truth-behind-draw-play-dave-revealed/ i think you are ling here i mean why would you have all that time
I don’t think of the Giants as frauds, but as doing way better than expected in year 1 of a rebuild. I think they’ve got a good chance against the Vikings, but road playoff games are always tough. Here’s hoping Jones gets some of that Eli magic there.
I don’t have an interest in the Ravens/Bengals game but I’m now rooting for the Ravens to see that drawing
I’m cheering for the Jags hard. Same reason.
Commies went 8-8-1, and you know what that means.