There’s always one. Always one. Every damn year some company (usually insurance) makes every commercial break a ticking time bomb until you end up envying Hellen Keller. This year, Burger King earned their crown.

Wear it with shame, you assholes. Now get this damn jingle out of my head. I’ve eaten Burger King exactly once in the last 20 years. I had to get my driver’s license renewed and during the 4-hour wait at the DMV I walked over to the only nearby food joint, got a double whopper combo, and ate it in the car because it started pouring rain. The rain got my hair messed up and now my drivers license photo makes me look like a hobo. The burger sucked. The fries were okay. It wasn’t worth it.

Nobody asked, but Carls Jr (Hardees, for the east coasters) is probably the best national chain burger I’ve had. That’s not a high bar. McDonalds was my burger of youth, but the last time I had it was deeply disappointing. I’ve always found Wendys burgers severely overrated. Jack in the Box was vile. White castle isn’t even food. Places like 5 guys, Whataburger and In-and-Out are higher quality burgers but not as widespread. The Pacific Northwest has Burgerville, which is pretty decent but overpriced and the milkshakes are the real reason to go anyway.

Burger King is like, the middle of the pack. The Ryan Tannehill of fast food burgers. I never want to go there again thanks to this ad campaign. That’s my way, and that’s how I’ll have it.