I saw someone call Ron Rivera “Jeff Fisher with a pornstar name” and I can’t get it out of my head, because it’s dead on. Out of every current head coach, there isn’t a better analog to our old friend Jeff. This makes sense to me, because both were part of the 1985 Bears super bowl shuffle. They have a destined connection to that game and to also be mediocre coaches who luck into a Super Bowl appearance and then fart around for a decade afterward taking teams to mighty mid-range records.

But genuinely, I have no idea what the hell happened this past week. The Commies traded for Wentz in the offseason. This made a lot of people very angry and was widely considered a bad move. But Taylor Heinicke wasn’t anything special the year prior and Wentz…I guess had potential. In the same way, a terrible guy will get into relationships with girls who are convinced they “can fix him”. They can’t, and it’s only going to make your life worse. The Commies started Wentz, and they started losing football games.

They stumbled to a win over a Jaguars team that wouldn’t find itself for another 8 weeks. They then lost 4 in a row before flopping around like a dead fish slightly less hard than the Bears. They lost the Titans game pretty much directly to a classic late-game WINTZ. Luckily for Ron, Wentz made the decision to move on for him by injuring his finger, throwing Heinicke back out there. That’s when the team started winning!

I’ve liked Heinicke since his debut against Brady in the playoffs in 2020. He was an easy guy to root for. Not the most talented dude, but he had the fire and passion and damn, you gotta love a guy who is clearly trying his best. His best wasn’t great, but as the Commies started to win games it was also clear he just had more chemistry with everyone around him. The team looked more lively. When Wentz was healthy again, Ron kept him on the bench. Shit was working! They even managed to hand the mighty undefeated Eagles their first loss.

Looking back, that win is the actual only impressive win of that stretch of games, but winning is winning and they weren’t doing that with Carson under center. Which is what made the move back to Carson in week 17 such a headscratcher. Yeah, the team had cooled. Heinicke hadn’t played incredibly in either Giants game and he got plastered by the 49ers, but the Giants love to cause Washington pain and the 49ers are destroying everyone with that defense. He was still the hot hand. Playoffs are on the line. Why on earth would Ron switch to Wentz now? What good is it to switch to a guy who maybe put up better stats but kept losing and never gelled with his teammates in an elimination game? Well, turns out Ron didn’t know it was an elimination game. The Commies sucked, Wentz sucked, and the team got eliminated. The dream of an all NFCE playoffs, up in smoke.

They announced they’d go back to Heinicke in week 18 until a lot of people giving them the same criticism I am delivering now seemed to change the vibe, and now they are starting rookie Sam Howell. Two years in a row, with playoffs on the line, a team turned to Carson Wentz and paid the price. The steep, steep price. The price is my laughter. Hahahahahahaha. Also no playoffs.

Why did he go with Wentz? I thought Heinicke must have been injured. Nope! Just fucking start the guy the team clearly loves more and plays harder with! An epiphany hit me. What has pretty much every coach in the Snyder era had in common? It’s the extreme sense of apathy and disconnection from life they get towards the end! Ron wants out. He’s been here for the name change, the Snyder files, the toxic workplace, everything. He’s had to go out there and deal with the difficulties of defending Jack Del Rio whilst also condemming him for his racist bullshit. Ron has gotten the full Snyder experience. Can you imagine wanting to continue to work for that? Ron might not admit it, he might not even be able to admit it to himself, but he wants out. He wants freedom. Don’t we all, Ron. Don’t we all.

Damar seems to be recovering about as well as he can. We can’t have asked for much better. Get well soon, Damar.