Week 13, what do you got for me?

It didn’t start out as a chaotic week. The Bills handled business on TNF against the confused Patriots. After two decades of seeing this exact game, but in reverse, it still feels bizarre to see the Patriots as the flawed mess trying desperately to get enough wins to make the playoffs against a sure-thing championship contender. The early slate didn’t really give us any other surprises. Green Bay handled the tanking Bears despite Fields’ best efforts. Minnesota’s absurd nail biting wins are becoming almost routine. The surging Lions beat up the Jags. The disappointing Steelers and Falcons dick-punched themselves until someone won. Philly slapped around the Titans as AJ Brown continues to be the dumbest offseason trade a team has made in a while. The Broncos almost managed an upset once Lamar went out, but rest assured, they botched it. The Texans/Watson game did indeed go down in the Browns favor, but it was no thanks to Watson. He looked rusty and bad and the defense did all the work. I hope he stays rusty and bad.

Then the second half of the day happened. The 49ers, despite taking care of business and establishing themselves as the class of the NFCW, now lost Jimmy to a broken foot and must rely on a man called “Brock Purdy” (I do not believe this is a real person), so the future is now in jeopardy. The Seahawks struggled to keep pace but managed to save their chances. The Raiders have now won 3 games in a row since losing to Jeff Saturday. The entire regime might be saving itself. Cincinnati somehow has the Chiefs number and has now won 3 in a row against Mahomes and Co. But lets skip all that noise and get to the good stuff.

This week, GIANTS CORNER and CHAOS OF THE WEEK are one in the same! The Giants, starting a brutal stretch of schedule to finish off the year, desperately needed a win to keep the playoffs in view. The Commanders, running on a hot streak but still climbing out of a hole, also desperately needed a win to keep the playoffs in view. A loss to either team would mean a significant blow to their playoff hopes, and a significant boost would come with a win. Instead, the idiots tied each other. This was actually beneficial to both teams. Not as much as a win would have been, obviously, but as far as playoff implications go, this gives booth teams a weird advantage. Both teams now cannot be tied with anyone else in the NFC except each other (assuming no more ties happen), meaning any team who wants to get in above them needs to actually own an extra win, not just a tiebreaker. This is a big deal for a team like Seattle, who holds the tiebreaker over the Giants but has one extra loss, putting them behind them in the standings. Also makes it that much harder for any late upstart teams making a push (Lions, who also own a Giants tiebreaker) to sneak in. It also punts both teams circumstances against each other down the road.

CHAOS WATCH: The 49ers are now officially starting Mr. Irrelevant into the end of the year. They can lean on CMC, but they will need Brock to step up. The Ravens, a high-chaos team to begin with, also lost their QB to a less severe injury. With the Bengals hot on their heels, Baltimore is in trouble and is holding onto their AFCN lead by a pinkie. The Lions are worth your attention now, because even if they don’t make the playoffs, we are finally seeing this team come together and they might play spoiler. Of course, the Vikings remain Cardiac Arrest inducing at all times. Watch with caution.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK: The Broncos. The Ravens were awful without Lamar and the offense could not do jack shit (as per usual) and the defense did great until it was too late. The Broncos offense is one of the worst things you’ll put before your eyes this year. At least the Texans are a fun kind of bad. At least the Rams made it a game with Seattle despite starting street guys. At least Justin Herbert by himself makes the Chargers mildly watchable.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: Speaking of those Chargers. One of the teams that loaded up in the offseason and have instead spent the year sputtering incoherently around the lake like a drunk fisherman. People are injured. The coaching is woeful and Brandon Staley deserves to get axed but the squad still has enough talent to win every other week and keep the bleeding to a modest flow. Free Justin Herbert, he deserves better than this.



*blasts Hotline Miami soundtrack*

WEEK 14 – ITS TIME FOR CRYPTID WEEK! Cryptids, in case you don’t know, are those little mythological creatures like Bigfoot or the Chupacabra, that most people just like as funny folklore or horror movie monsters and that a few absolute lunatics are convinced are real.

The Raiders genuinely have a good chance to make it 4 in a row.
If the Rams win, I will draw Aaron Donald as Megaladon

Okay Lions, if you want to be taken seriously, win this game. Vikings? I challenge you to win a game without nonsense.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff as a Yeti

The Ravens were bad without Lamar, and even if Lamar is back, he will probably have limitations. This is a ripe game for the Steelers to steal.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar (or Huntley) as The Mothman

The Browns have a weird hold on the Bengals so it is with sadness I must pick Cleveland again
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as a Wendigo

They beat the Bills once already and Mike White is better than Zach Wilson, but I gotta play the odds.
If the Jets win, I will draw Mike White as the Flatwoods Monster

Why even bother showing up, Texans
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills as the Loch Ness Monster

Man, if the Giants had any offense at all I’d argue we’d have a chance here. I think the matchup is actually decent, but injuries and an absolute lack of ability to do shit on offense is going to bury the Gmen.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as the Jersey Devil

Titans are once again a team that nobody thinks is particularly great but will easily win the weak division and get bumped in their first playoff game.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as a sexy Mermaid

The Chiefs will win, but because Denver’s defense is still very good, it’ll be a slog of a win that no one will enjoy watching.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as a Unicorn

Seahawks, hopefully.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sam Darnold as Bigfoot

Okay, so this is a case where I am picking the game specifically based on the drawing idea against my better judgment
If the 49ers win, I will draw CMC as the Chupacabra, aka the Goat Sucker

Dolphins. Tua had a bad week against San Fran but the Chargers are silly and dumb.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as a Thunderbird

Patriots need to win to have a chance at keeping the playoffs hopes alive, so if they lose this one, it’s probably over. Cardinals are not eliminated yet but we can disregard them.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as a Jackalope

If we get another tie, I will draw both QBs as a couple of dingbats