Happy new year! Excited to see how 2022 is even worse than the last one. We got 6 days into 2021 before fascists stormed the Capitol so 2022 has some work cut out for it.

I am…through the looking glass with Joe Judge. I am no longer angry at him. He’s so pathetic and the team so stupid and poorly run that he’s just funny now. After every disaster of a game he spouts the most ridiculous nonsense and today’s was a delight. Just read the rant. It needed just a few better soundbites and it could have been an all-timer up there with the greats. This chucklefuck talking about building a foundation almost 2 full seasons into your tenure and the team is arguably at the worst point of his entire tenure thus far. Usually, you have something of a foundation by then. What foundation do the Giants have? The team is in cap hell, nowhere near successful, and trending downhill. The players don’t look like they are trying. Look at the Lions. That team sucks! But the players? They are trying! That team has fight in it. This team has none. Judge makes the same time management mistakes every week, he’s an absolute coward on 4th down, and he’s a clown in the pressers. Right now I think the Jags are the only team that the Giants would be favored against, and that’s a tough bet. But Judge is sticking around! Because John Mara likes him! This team is comedy. There is no reason to watch the Giants play football because they are absolute trash to watch, but they are worth reading about, because they are hilarious. When Judge was hired, this was my reaction:

“Seriously you should have seen how Giants fans were salivating over his press conference. He said nothing of value, just typical “WE ARE GONNA PLAY HARD AND STUFF AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY” coach speak but because he said it with AUTHORITY in his voice everyone got wet. I wasn’t impressed.”

My gut instinct at the time was thinking that this nobody got the job because he knew how to act the part. My gut was right. Judge is all bluster and no substance. At the time, the bluster was refreshing to the fanbase because Shurmur was a pillow of a man but now everyone can see what a fake Judge is. Judge can say he’s not a clownshow, but he is. He can’t hide it anymore.

What else happened this week?

-Antonio Brown? He’s getting a comic, let’s save that for now.
-John Madden RIP, also getting a comic, so now you know this week’s schedule
-Oh, the Dolphins faced an actual playoff team and revealed that no, they are absolutely still bad and not worthy of the postseason.
-We are back to the Bengals being legit!
-The Raiders somehow saved themselves and the Colts faltered. However that Wentz/Hilton TD was absolutely hilarious.
-The Cardinals won! I fully expected them to lose out and get obliterated in the wildcard. But they beat the Cowboys, who are probably still a better team. Good for you, Arizona.
-The Titans can spend one week being absolute trash and look like a surefire washout, then go the next week and earn the #1 seed spot in the league. That’s right, as of right now, the Titans are the #1 seed. Friends, the Chaos is STRONG this year and I LOVE IT
-I still can’t believe the Panthers traded and now have to pay Sam Darnold all that money
-Jets had their most complete game all year, but Tom Brady comes for us all
-Vintage OBJ performance on the Rams. He won the game, and he also punched a man in the ass. OBJ is back, baby.

PICKS! I did well since things are fairly predictable now even with Covid. The NFL adjusted their Covid policy because they realized with Omicron infecting everyone they are genuinely facing a playoffs riddled with substitutions that will affect everything. I hope we get it anyway. I want all the fan whining.


Week…18?!?!?!?! Weird man I don’t like it.

Come one, come all, watch Tyler Heinicke earn himself the 2022 starter job by putting 38 points on a Giants team that is building a great foundation
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge and John Mara dancing on my grave

The Bengals have been such a fun turnaround this year. I hope Burrow is okay. Browns are certainly a disappointment this year but I don’t think there is any reason to panic yet.
If the Browns win, I will draw northeast Ohio pooping on southwest Ohio

The Saints, believe it or not, aren’t out of the playoff race. The Falcons would relish an opportunity to put the nail in the coffin but trusting the Falcons to do anything right is a fool’s hope.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a Falcon putting a nail in the Saints playoff coffin

THE STEELERS MUST BE 8-8-1 THE CHAOS GODS DEMAND IT. I’m making this pick before the Browns/Steelers game, so if the Steelers lose that game, I’m changing this pick accordingly.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Big Ben perfectly balanced, as all things should be

The Bills hold a tenuous grip on the AFCE. They have no room to lose unless the Patriots also lose. Luckily, they play the Jets!
If the Jets win, I will draw the entire Bills wagon dying of Jetsintery

I honestly hope the Lions win this just to spite the Packers but it won’t happen.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell eating Aaron Rodgers kneecaps. One last chance for kneecaps.

How will the Bucs win without AB? Very easily.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sam Darnold and Shirtless AB obliterating Brady with a spirit bomb

Colts are probably playoff-bound, but it will be nice to clinch it by destroying the Jaguars
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence sending Centaur Wentz to the glue factory

The fish are not that good and the Patriots are playing for a chance at the division.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw shirtless Tua smoking a cigar riding a Dolphin into the sunset

Can’t wait to see the Vikings ruin their draft position by beating the Bears after it’s too late.
If the Bears win, I will draw a Bear sitting by the fireplace, a Vikingskin rug on the ground

If the Cowboys winning can knock the Eagles out, then I hope for that. Otherwise I am hoping for whatever result makes these two fight each other in the wildcard so one of them dies instantly.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts singing REM to Dak. Everybody Hurts, sometimes.

The Titans have a chance to rest in the playoffs. I want this. The Texans already beat the Titans once though, so nothing is guaranteed.
If the Texans win, I will draw The Mills Mafia

Broncos had a chance to stay relevant by beating the Chargers and they got ‘sploded. Chiefs are angry and gonna hurt them.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bluecifer rampaging over Kansas City

The only play-in game all weekend. Whoever wins this game is in the playoffs. It would be extremely Chargers to lose this, but it would ALSO be extremely Raiders to lose this. I’ll go Chargers.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car eating Justin Herbert

The Cardinals better win this to save themselves total embarrassment going into the postseason.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Tiny Russ flushing Tiny Kyler down the toilet

For whatever reason the 49ers own Sean McVay so I gotta roll Santa Clara this week.
If the Rams win, I will draw OBJ punching Kyle Shanahan in the butt