First up: some house cleaning. These posts take forever every Sunday night and as such, for this season, they will be split in two. Monday will be the Chaometer/recap post with the cartoons, and Tuesday will be the pics for next week. So be sure to check back tomorrow!

As you can see I switched the Chaometer up a bit. Not all chaos is fun chaos, and chaotic teams may often be just gruesome to watch actually play football. Like last year’s Broncos. Chaotic team, just awful to put in front of your eyes for most of that time.

Was week one chaotic? It pretty much always is. Week one is an inherently chaotic week because we don’t know anything. We don’t know which losses are genuine indicators of teams about to have a bad year and which ones are flukes. Trends have not been established. As such it was kind of hard to plot out the teams for the week because we only have this one game under us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t revel in the fun that was had this week.

The Chiefs and Lions started us off strong by throwing a big wrench in the classic “A good QB elevates the play of those around him” argument. Mahomes was himself but with his number 1 option as Kadarious Toney the Chiefs couldn’t get anything going at all on offense. The Lions turned the game around on the pick-six and drove it down their throats late to give us a delightful opening night upset.  The Vikings continued their chaotic ways, losing a very winnable game to the upstart Buccaneers of all teams. Baker Mayfield may not be a very good quarterback, but there is something undeniably entertaining about him. I enjoy watching Baker play football. He’s got the kind of attitude on the field that makes everything he does hilarious, both good and bad. He’s especially entertaining when he’s on, and he turned himself on late in that one.

The Jaguars gave us all a scare by not stomping the Colts until late in the 4th, but they came through in the clutch. Jaguars are going to be a fun watch this season. The Bengals shat the bed worse than anyone might have expected. The Titans did the same, and the Titans/Saints game was extremely messy I’m not sure even the Saints should feel much pride in the victory. The Cardinals of all teams put up a fight against Washington, and the Patriots came back from a gross first quarter to give us a genuinely compelling game against the Eagles. The Rams stunned the Seahawks in Seattle, and the Jordan Love era started strong.

Bills/Jets has a chance to eclipse it, but Chargers/Dolphins was easily the game of the week. AS EXPECTED! The Chargers and Dolphins feel like the same team, with explosive potential on offense led by young studs. Numerous lead changes, late-game drama with the Dolphins scoring but missing the XP, and then the Chargers went ahead and Chargers’d it away, like they do. The Chargers will never not Chargers.

As for the Chaos of the week, well, not all chaos is fun chaos. I’m sure Cowboys fans had fun but every Giants fan who watched that entire game deserves a purple heart. Every team occasionally has a game like that, where everything that can go wrong does go wrong, and boy was that one of the worst Giants games I’ve seen in a long time. After the false start in the red zone on the first drive the Giants fate went on a spiral the likes of which are so exceptional you quickly stop feeling bad and just start feeling astounded and have an out-of-body experience. I slumped when the field goal got blocked. I cackled when Saquon squirted the ball into a pick-six. I said “of course he did” after Jones threw across his body into a terrible interception. I laughed when Gano shanked the kick before halftime. I spent most of the second half watching the fumbles and the sacks and just vibing. This Giants season could get ugly, but I doubt any game will ever go worse than that one did.

But that begs the question: which teams should worry, and which teams should not? What do we think might be the indicators of a team’s future and which results can be largely ignored? Here’s my take:

  • The Giants should be worried, but not extremely worried. That was not a usual game, and I doubt they are that bad. However, the fact that they still couldn’t hang with a division rival again is a massive problem. This team is mediocre and the offensive line almost got Daniel Jones killed. Any team with a pass rush is going to murder this offense.
  • The Bears should be worried. They were the worst team in football last year, and they came out flat and pathetic against a Packers team that honestly didn’t seem impressive at all. Justin Field was getting a lot of hype this offseason and he looked the same. Could occasionally do a cool run but still can’t throw, and has no chance to do much more behind a bad line.
  • The Vikings probably shouldn’t worry. While regression is going to happen to Minnesota due to how weird last season was, that was just a bad game and I think they’ll stay safely in the division hunt.
  • The Eagles fucked around and almost found out but they’ll be fine and the Patriots are mediocre.
  • The Cardinals should be proud. That team had fight. They aren’t good, but they had fight. Just enough fight to get them out of the #1 draft slot.
  • I wouldn’t worry about the Bengals. I almost picked the Browns because they just suck against the Browns. Bengals will bounce back.
  • I would worry if I was the Seahawks. The Giants and Vikings had such flukey seasons last year that they got most of the collapse hype, but the Seahawks deserved to be in that discussion too and frankly showed it today. At home, against a paper-thin secondary Rams squad that didn’t have Cooper Kupp, the Hawks looked bad. The Seahawks were projected to be awful last year and surprised us but that doesn’t mean they are suddenly good. This team is going to have to fight for every inch this season.
  • Chiefs will be fine. In fact I’m getting sick just thinking of all the players and fans using week 1 as some sort of “PEOPLE DOUBTED US” chip.
  • Broncos looked more competent on offense than last year but this team is still full of holes.


ADDENDUM: The Jets have taken the Chaos Crown FOR WEEK 1. Obviously gonna have to talk about this in a comic later this week.

Anyway I also had a terrible week for pics. Have at it! And don’t forget to check back tomorrow.