Ryan Fitzpatrick was a chaos superstar in the league. A singularly weird player with a distinctive career and vibe. A guy who went to Harvard, balled his ass off as a dumbass gunslinger for half the league, and charmed us all in the process. It was hard not to root for Fitzmagic. When he retired, he left a void that I wasn’t sure would ever be filled. It is filled. The Fitzpatrick Energy is now flowing within our bald ballista, the Passtronaut. I didn’t see the parallels before, but I do now. Mercenary backup caliber QB? Check. Goes so much harder than he has to? Check. Is uncharacteristically smart as hell? Check! Dobbs has a degree in rocket science. He interned at NASA. That’s going to be the new “he went to Harvard”. He even has his own signature hair situation! In Dobbs’ case it’s Alopecia, so kinda the exact opposite of Fitzy’s beard, but still, his follicles are a signature trait!

Like Fitz, Dobbs wasn’t great out there on Sunday, but he had his moments. It was enough to carry the Vikings to a 5th straight win, and brought them into genuine playoff consideration. The man is getting a chance and we should all appreciate him. I don’t expect him to remain a Viking at season’s end but I do expect him to get a decent backup contract somewhere and stick around. I am now on team Dobbs. I wish him the best.

This was a weird week. It didn’t seem that chaotic while I was watching, but all of a sudden a ton of games ended up being decided on last-second kicks. We had a few absolutely great wire-to-wire experiences. Lions/Chargers was an absolute delight of a game. It also felt like another classic Chargers experience: put up a ton of points, keep pace with a better team, then lose at the end. The Chargers are cursed to always feel like a bridesmaid. The Chargers are absolute masters of the tease. Falcons/Cardinals, despite being between two losers, was still fun. Kyler Murray is back, and he absolutely provided something of an identity to the Cards. I hope they win at least 4 more games. Steelers/Packers was tighter than I expected but the Steelers managed to do the usual win at the end of a slugfest. Commies/Seahawks went down to the wire, and how about those Browns? Down for most of the game, they organize a huge comeback and kick the Ravens in the teeth. Massive ups for the Texans and Bengals, who gave us a wild ending in a week with a number of wild endings.

I think I’m just going to watch other games the rest of the year and if I ever see the Giants on Redzone I’ll smile and think about next year. I’ve watched the Giants be putrid for a decade now, and this might be the most unwatchable they’ve been in that timeframe since 2012. The only competition is the phase during Joe Judge’s second season when they were down to Mike Glennon and Jake Fromm. I don’t know why they didn’t pick up somebody at the trade deadline like Wentz or Dobbs. They clearly have zero faith in Tommy DeVito (because he’s a practice squad-level QB playing like one) so unless their goal is genuinely tanking, why? Why play the most worthless conservative offense out there? What do we have to lose trying weird shit, at least make the games interesting by using this era of no expectations to try out ideas. I do not root for tanking. I don’t believe teams genuinely ever really want to tank. The players likely don’t. I don’t know how Daboll could look like a great coach last season and look so awful this year. I don’t know who the real Daboll is now. This team is unwatchable.

I originally had Bengals/Texans here, and then the Bills game happened. The entire game was kind of a mess from start to finish. We had fumbles. We had Courtland Sutton making the touchdown catch of the week. We had Josh Allen throwing a pick immediately before halftime and giving the Broncos another field goal. We had a fumble that turned into a 30 yard scamper (see below). We had an incredibly stupid ending. The Broncos went ahead with a go-ahead TD in the 4th, but botched the extra point, leaving the Bills wide open for a TD win. They would proceed to score that TD and MAKE the extra point, giving them a 22-21 lead. They scored too fast for Russell Wilson. After an unfortunate DPI call (I hate it when DPI is called on underthrown balls where the defender doesn’t have the time to re-adjust and runs into a suddenly slowing up WR), we then had a BALL DONT LIE moment from the cosmos when the Broncos would proceed to shank the game-winning kick wide right. Except…the Bills had 12 men on the field. The Broncos made the next kick with ease. Game over. Bills, you stupid motherfuckers.

The Patriots benching Mac Jones for the final chance drive against the Colts felt like a statement of hopelessness. Mac threw some very, very bad balls that game and had pretty much lost the game on the previous drive when he severely underthrew an open guy in the endzone. But to not give him a chance at the end and put in Jones 2 (Bailey Zappe) only to watch Zappe lose the game on a false spike thrown into quadruple coverage was extremely funny. To me, and everyone who hates New England.

In the Bills game the RB had the ball punched out, only for it to bounce perfectly back to him in stride, and he ran for 20 more yards. A blink and you’ll miss it moment that is shockingly awesome.

The 49ers also deserve mention here for having a fumble-six taken away from them because people on the sideline ran onto the field during the play. You can’t do that, dummies!

The Commies. I cannot figure the Commies out. They can look like absolute shit and then they can look pretty good! Howell is on pace to get sacked into oblivion and he’s also second in the league in passing yardage? What is this team? It feels like they can compete with almost anybody but also can’t actually beat anybody.

Seahawks. Geno isn’t as sharp this year for whatever reason. He looks less decisive. The Hawks are still winning games but they aren’t having an easy time of it and they are squeaking past mediocre and bad teams. They reek of Wildcard exit.

Jaguars. 3 points at home? The 49ers had Deebo and Trent Williams back and resumed being the team we fear. The Jaguars, also coming out of a bye, looked like trash again. I had hoped for more fight than that.

Fuck you, Giants. You could at least try.



Finally, a good Thursday night matchup. Watch this game suck ass. I’ll take the Ravens at home.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Zac Taylor as the Skyline Surfer (think Silver Surfer)

Apparently its AFCN Battle week? The last game came down to the Steelers winning in 2023 Steelers fashion. The Browns are almost the same team, stifling defense and hobbled offense. I’ll go home team this time. EDIT: Watson is out for the year and they are starting DTR, so Im changing it
If the Browns win, I will draw Kevin Stefanski making the Trollface

A bad team? Dolphins gonna cream em.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Antonio Pierce roasting dolphins over an open fire

The Bears managed to win the battle of suck for moral victory points before going into Detroit to get sent to the 5th circle of hell.
If the Bears win, I will draw Matt Eberflus beating Coach Muscles at arm wrestling

Titans are kind of punting the season at this point. Get Levis some games, see what you can do for the rest of the year to prep the rebuild. Jaguars need to actually win and they like to ruin the Titans day lately.
If the Titans win, I will draw Mike Vrabel squirting mayo into his coffee in an unnecessarily suggestive way

The Chargers finally get an easy win.
If the Packers win, I will draw Matt LeFleur as LeFleur De Matt, #1 MC of da Piss Boys

The Texans are good! The Cardinals are not. Well, not as bad as they used to be, but still not good.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Johnathan Gannon as PeeWee Herman riding his big red bike

It’s going to be really hard for the Panthers to not be the worst team in the league. They need to figure this shit out because they don’t have draft picks and can’t afford to give the Bears their first overall pick.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Frank Reich as a happy dad, carrying little Bryce Young on his shoulders

Commies get revenge on the DeVito junker crew. Do not watch this game.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Tony Soprano

Someone has to win the NFC South. It hurts to think about.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Todd Bowles Bowling

Jets already beat these Bills, but that was in Metlife. Hopefully the Bills can function here. They are an astoundingly stupid team this season. I hope none of you bet on them to win the Super Bowl.
If the Jets win, I will draw Robert Saleh as Mr Clean (I hate his beard, bring back Mr Clean Saleh, this is me crying for help)

The Seahawks should be able to beat up the hobbled and bad Rams. You’d think. You’d hope.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay as an annoying 80’s fitness workout tape guy

Russ vs the Vikings in Primetime. Is this game an automatic lock for Chaos of the week? I’m taking the Passtronaut again, why the hell not.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Sean Payton flipping off NASA

The Chiefs are winning games not because of their offense this year, but their defense. This game could be another SB preview. I think the Eagles are going to do it.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Andy as John Lennon

If two teams tie, I will draw both coaches as spidermen pointing at each other