WEEK 18 CHAOS REPORT: Is That Really How Belichick Goes Out?
THE REGULAR SEASON IS OVER. PLAYOFFS TIME. Time to wrap this shit up. PICS! Fan submission week was great, lots of wonderful ideas. Although I will say too many of you wanted me to draw Justin Herbert if the Chargers won: Herbert is dead! Have you no respect for EASTON STICK?
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Not the wildest week in final week history but we got a little more fun than I expected. The biggest shock is the Jaguars, but let’s save them for later. The Cardinals and Seahawks combined for a really magical game of one team that is eliminated putting up a useless fight against a team that honestly deserved to be eliminated. Thankfully, the Seahawks got knocked out when Green Bay won. As much as I hate Green Bay, they are a more interesting watch than the Seahawks were this season. This is going to be a tough offseason for Seattle. Real disappointment.
The Steelers took out the Ravens backups and earned a playoff spot, although they lost TJ Watt in the process. Hard to see this team going much further but it’s a miracle they got this far. The entire AFC North was a powerhouse this season with EVERY TEAM (Bengals included!) having a winning record. 3 teams made the playoffs. The Texans completed the miracle turnaround, shoving the Colts in a locker and winning the division after the Jaguars lost. Good for them, man. Hard to believe a year ago the fans were frothing at the mouth about Lovie winning the final game and dropping to #2 in the draft. Tanking means nothing if you don’t make the correct decisions.
The Bucs looked like shit and still won the division because oh my god Panthers. I hope to god this is the final time we ever watch Arthur Smith as a head coach. At the end of the game Jameis Winston overruled Dennis Allen’s call to kneel it out and handed the ball off for a touchdown insult. I loved it. Fuck Arthur Smith and his unwatchable team. I’m glad the final image we might get to see of him as a coach is him throwing a baby tantrum about being styled on.
The Bengals beat up the Browns who started their 5th QB of the year. Hydra time. For once the Browns started a new QB because they were resting starters instead of the usual reason: being the Browns. Detroit beat up Minnesota and now we get to see what the Vikings do about Kirk Cousins. The real stunner of this week to me was the Patriots. Is this it? Did we watch the final game of the Bill Belichick era? If we did, it was an absolute poetic disgrace. The man once scorned the Jets after being coach for a single day and wrote his resignation on a napkin. He then spent the next 20 years making the New York Jets a miserable football team with no hope. Then, after all this time, at the end of a 15 game streak, in the final week of the worst Patriots season Belichick has ever coached…he loses to the Jets in a disgraceful, ugly snow game. There may not be a more satisfying way for him to go out. Let him go for the coaching wins record somewhere else.
GIANTS CORNER
–Hell yeah! Fine, we lost a draft spot, but I think it was worth it to embarrass the Eagles to send us out on a high note. This was a disappointing season by all metrics with very little to feel positive about. We have no QB. The offensive line is a disgrace and unless we fire our OL coach I am not optimistic about the future there. I don’t know if we retain Barkley. I’d like to, personally. I think we have some viable WR options but could still use a true #1 threat. The defense needs someone opposite Kayvon worth a damn and Kayvon himself is streaky. I’m very concerned about Wink’s future with the team because he’s been the better half of the coaching staff this year. Daboll has made some real dumb gameday decisions and Kafka didn’t seem nearly as creative calling plays this season. We’ve got a lot of questions and a tenuous draft position that could go any number of ways. This is going to be an interesting year.
Bright spots this season? Tommy Cutlets is not a good QB but his little 3 game streak was genuinely a ball of fun chaos. It was so fun it made me go on a literal hunt for Italian cookies and bakeries in the Portland area just to celebrate “my roots”. There is not a good Italian scene out here and that’s one thing I miss about the East Coast. I enjoyed Bobby Okereke, the first NY Giants linebacker to impress me in a decade. I was happy with Deonte Banks rookie season at DB. I was glad to see Shep get sent out with a win and enough catches to pass Jeremy Shockey in the Giants all-time list. I liked how even this pile of shit team could sweep Washington.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Bills and Dolphins lost a little bit of pizazz when the Jags lost, guaranteeing the Bills were in the playoffs regardless of outcome. But that didn’t change the game from being a delightful and worthwhile end of the season. The Bills were clearly the better team throughout the game but for a while the score did not reflect this because the Bills are high chaos. The first two trips to the redzone ended with Josh Allen throwing a stupid pick. They ran out of time like doofuses before the half right on the goalline. They tied it up on a punt return TD, pulled ahead, gave the Dolphins one last chance after a failed tush push and picked off Tua’s final terrible ball. Great way to send off the season.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
– The poor Cardinals had a chance to send the year out on a positive note only to shank the kick. Rough year, but if the GM can find some good pieces they might not be that far off.
–Honestly the final fuck you from the Saints to Arthur Smith ruled
CHAOS WATCH
–Playoffs are chaos. The annual bandwagon guide will come later this week.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Eagles. They’ve won a single game since November, against the very same team that just punched them in the balls yesterday. This is a total collapse. The Eagles are fried. They drew the best playoff matchup in the Bucs and I’m still not even confident they will win that game. Eagles fans are calling for Sirianni’s head. The vibes in Philly could not be much worse than they are right now. The Eagles had a negative point differential on the season for a stretch against the Giants until they got some garbage time points. This team has been a fraud all year and it only became truly clear until recently. Side note: Hell yeah
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Fucking Jaguars man. I’d put them in Fraud Watch but that implies we’d be watching them again. The Jaguars were at one point 8-3 and in contention for the #1 seed in the AFC. They are eliminated. They blew it so hard Oppenheimer would be impressed. Last year the Titans had a similar hold on the division and fell apart as the Jaguars surged and sent the Titans home crying in the final game. This year was almost the exact opposite. The Titans were bad all year and the Jaguars had everything in the palm of their hands, only to squander it all and get knocked out of the playoffs by the Titans they scorned last season.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Christ, Panthers. Christ. Fuck. Jesus fuck. This is the first season I’ve watched an NFL team and genuinely wondered if a great college team could beat them.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – PLAYOFFS MEANS DRAWING ARE GUARANTEED!
BROWNS @ TEXANS
This is a rematch of a pretty great game less than a month ago! Flacco demolished the inexperienced Texans and I am excited to see if the original Elite QB can keep up this streak of remarkable play. This season is gravy for the Texans who can honestly lose this and still feel great about everything that happened this year. But it might be important to see how the Texans perform against the big dogs of the conference. The Texans had a mid level schedule this season, facing the NFC South but also the AFC North. Out of the playoff teams they faced, they got beaten up by the Browns and Ravens but shellshocked the Steelers, and they squeaked out a thriller vs the Bucs. I don’t think the Texans quite have it in them to beat Cleveland if Cleveland plays full strength, but this is winnable.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud pissing on the grave of DeShaun Watson, Calvin style
If the Browns win, I will draw Joe Flacco as the brownie
PACKERS @ COWBOYS
The Packers are another team that’s honestly just happy to be here. As much as I would enjoy Jordan Love continuing the Rodgers legacy of ending the Cowboys playoff hopes, I doubt it happens and the Packers are likely going to be sent into hell by an all-cylinders Cowboys team that finally feels like a genuine threat to make the championship game.
If the Packers win, I will draw everyone all aboard the Jordan Love Train
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott laughing at a piece of cheese he hogtied to the railroad tracks
RAMS @ LIONS
The fated matchup happened. Matthew Stafford returns to Detroit to face the QB the Rams traded to get him. Stafford finally gets to play a playoff game in Detroit. The Lions can score with anyone but Goff turns Goof under a mediocum of pressure and the Lions defense has simply not played will this year. I think the Detroit heartbreak is going to happen. I think Stafford is going to send his former team into the sunset and everyone will feel bad about it.
If the Rams win, I will draw Matthew Stafford weeping as he points the shotgun at the Lion
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff gleefully lowering Sean McVay into molten metal
EAGLES @ BUCS
I’m glad this is a Monday game because both of these teams deserve to be punished with a short week till the following week even if they win. The Eagles are stupid lucky because they pulled the exact matchup that they can actually win. They might pull a 2022 Giants and win the one playoff game they have a chance in, just to get black-holed in the divisional round by a real opponent. Thing is, that also applies to the Buccaneers. The Eagles are the one team I think the Bucs have a decent chance of beating (outside GB I guess). Neither of these coaches really deserve the job security that will come with this win. I’m going to predict the Eagles do it simply because the Bucs have also looked like ass for the past two weeks and they have more talent, but this genuinely could go either way and will be embarassing for all involved.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts sweeping the word FRAUDS under the rug
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as blackbeard, claiming Jalen Hurts’ booty as his own
STEELERS @ BILLS
This is not the Bills of midseason. These are the fun Bills again, the drunk happy farmboy Bills that just do whatever they want and somehow don’t hurt themselves. The Bills that drive their ford 150 into the ditch by the creek down the road just to see if they can drive through the creek. The Bills that wrestle feral hogs that invade the yard. I love these Bills. The Steelers defense is good enough to punish some of this drunk-driving football but the offense is terrible. This should be a Bills win, and I hope it’s a Bills win, because I do not want to watch the Steelers anymore.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Steeley McBeam powerbombing Josh Allen through a card table
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen drunk riding a Buffalo, trampling the Steelers QB
DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS
The fish are banged up and now have to travel to KC in the middle of winter instead of hosting a game. That’s rough. The Chiefs won this exact matchup earlier this year by stuffing the Dolphins in the second half. The Dolphins also got stuffed in the second half of the Bills game. Maybe the McDaniel offense isn’t good at playing from behind or making adjustments and only works if they get out to a big lead early. Maybe the injuries are too much. Maybe it’s Maybelline. That said, this is still the worst Chiefs team in half a decade, so if the Dolphins want to be taken seriously now is their chance.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tyreek Hill asking Mahomes “You miss me?”
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Andy Reid eating a dolphin
HILY SHIT MINE LOOKS BETTER THAN I EVER HOPED also sry caps and who chose the Steelers pick much better than mine
As it turns out, the Rams beating the 49ers today means that last weeks Refpocalypse did indeed cost the Lions the #1 seed and a week of lounging around while everyone else is pummeling each other in the snow. They should spend the entirety of next week reporting EVERY eligible receiver to multiple refs on every play and asking for written confirmation signatures on triplicate forms for each one.
Bills as fun to watch? Nahhhhhhh
Bills are fun as hell, like watching your dumb drunk friend do party stunts
His name is Alex Smith what does he know about fun football
Maybe I’m biased but I think the Packers at their best can get it done against Playoff Mike McCarthy. For some reason Joe Barry decided to actually gameplan for the Bears, so if they get something similar, who knows? They beat the Cowboys last year in the Question Watson breakout game.
Of course, Question Watson is questionable, but water is also wet.
It feels like the entire Football Cognoscenti have decided the Lions are destined to lose on Sunday night. Maybe they will but it feels like a mistake to write off any team coached by Dan Campbell, especially one that should have beaten those all-World Cowboys everyone is sucking off but for one dumbass referee
The Cowboys and Mike McCarthy being punked by the Packers would be 100% the funniest thing that could happen this weekend. Especially because it would then mean that Jerruh probably goes and does something stupid like fire McCarthy (not a bad decision) and hiring Brandon Staley (since they need someone to come in and do sideline clapping).
As far as the Eagles are concerned… I can see them getting an early lead this game (assuming half the offense isn’t out injured, which may actually be the case), then Mayfield figuring out that he can throw 8-12 yd crossing patterns all game without being stopped, and then the Eagles losing by 2 points on a final-drive TD. (Either that, or it’s 20-6 Bucs at halftime, and then the 2nd half is the players obviously trying to get Sirianni and the rest of the coaching staff tossed into the ocean.)
Makin’ me root for the Chiefs?! How could you, Dave.
Tomlin-Thanos is a great piece of artwork.
FYI- the Eagles can beat the tepid buccs and still be frauds.
There are a lot of matchups this week where the winner does not earn any respect to be honest
Good news Dave, Bobby Johnson has been fired! Fun to hear about your Italian bakery search. I agree Devito’s not a great QB, but he has a lot of potential. I hope he gets a lot of good reps over the offseason. It’d be great if he becomes our #2 QB next year.
If Stafford beats the Lions I see a future return of the Monkey’s Paw comic.
“I just want to see Stafford win a playoff game in Detroit!”
There’s three things in life that are certain: death, taxes, and the giants sweeping Washington
life is pain
You know, now I kinda want the Chiefs to win just because I want to see Walrus Andy Reid.
Things didn’t end so well for Thanos in Endgame, when will Art Rooney II come into frame and snap Tomlin off the sideline?
Honestly, as much as CJ Stroud has been a vital part of the Texans rebuild, DeMeco Ryans is a huge part of it too. He brought an energy and culture to the team that just hasn’t been there in years. I think he’s an easy lock for Coach of the Year, and for good reason.
After years, everything is finally going right for the Texans. All of the team’s new stars are young, they’ve got a franchise QB who looks like he’s the next Warren Moon, the GM looks great now that the Great Corrupter is gone, and they’ve got a young hotblooded coach who’s come back to the team that started his career with an incredibly infectious attitude. Barring a catastrophe, they looking to dominate the AFC South for years to come.
May his second season go smoother than it did for last year’s Coach of the Year. Definitely clear that hurdle before getting your hopes up too high, lol.
Right now I’m just settling for being the team to beat in the division. I’ll start setting my hopes higher once we start winning big.
Wentz was ELITE! Eagles should’ve kept him!!!