WEEK 12 CHAOS REPORT: Thanksgiving Hates The Jets
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
We are in a duller part of the year and will have to wait a couple weeks for the final games before the chaos erupts again. The week got off to a good start though with the moon cursing the Lions to return from whence they came back into classic Thanksgiving Lions. Embarassing loss to a rival they should have finally been able to pummel into dirt. The Lions are showing cracks before the playoffs. The rest of the holiday went as expected with the Cowboys sending Ron Rivera into hell and the 49ers sending Seattle back to the kids table.
I did not love the Black Friday game as a concept. Felt entirely like it was invented to give Amazon a game on a week that they normally would miss due to Thanksgiving contracts taking the place of TNF. I always put up Christmas decorations on Black Friday so I at least had a reason to turn it on, but I didn’t pay close attention. I was fortunate to see the Hail Mary pick 6. Easily one of the funniest moments of the year.
Sunday started with the sorriest early slate you could imagine. The Patriots and Giants combined for 17 points. 2 Mac Jones INTs before getting benched at halftime for Mac Jones 2, who proceeded to score the only TD before throwing his own awful pick. Nobody told the Patriots that the Giants were missing Sexy Dexy and they could have run on us all day. The Patriots are really bad. Mac Jones is just terrible. The Falcons beat the Saints in another sloppy gross NFCS game. Someone has to win that division, and it makes me throw up a little bit. The Colts beat the Bucs, and the Colts are kind of sneaky. They are a 6-5 team with a backup QB under rookie HC Shane Steichen. That’s not getting nearly as much respect as it deserves. The Colts might be a danger next year, the AFCS ascendance might be incoming. The Steelers had 400 yards of offense for the first time since before Matt Canada, despite putting up a measly 16 points the improvement was palpable. The Titans got a cheap win against the Carolina Panthers who fired Frank Reich the next day. Carolina is in hell.
The late slate was a little better. Chiefs beat the Raiders and the Rams stomped down the Cardinals as expected. But the Broncos came out on top of the Browns matchup and continue to prove that you know what? Sean Payton is a good coach and we all jumped to conclusions too early. But the real wild one was the latest in the now long-running trend of Bills blowing it. The Bills had this game won! Multiple times! The Eagles had to make a miracle field goal just to send the game to overtime. The Bills offense looks better since Dorsey got fired, but the team is still snakebitten by the most dreaded of curses: the poor ending game management. That’s a HC problem. The Chargers would once again Chargers it up in primetime and it’s just a waiting game till Black Monday for Staley to get canned and Spanos to cheap out and hire Kellen Moore or Frank Reich or something equally uninspired.
Of course, you can count on the Vikings and Bears to deliver, and they did. MNF was basically a TNF game. Turnovers for everyone. The Bears won on 4 field goals. Outstanding work, gentlemen.
GIANTS CORNER
I had a whole screed about how I cannot root for a tank but I decided that might be better suited for its own post since that’s currently quite the heated topic amongst Giants fandom. Instead, I will say that even though we have worse draft position now, I enjoyed watching that crappy win, and I will not apologize for it. Watching the Patriots eat shit will always please me.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
A hail mary pick 6? Jets, you spoil me. I think we found the funniest play of the year and an easy contender for the most chaotic play of the season. The rest of the game may not have been chaotic as other games, but you can’t beat a high point that high.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
-We got a duo of hilarious field goals right after each other. First, the Patriots drove the field at the last minute to set up a chip shot for overtime, and the football gods said NO MORE and sent it wide left. Then just minutes later the Texans went for the long shot and we got the ultra-rare Crossbar Doink.
-Also gotta give the Cowboys a thumbs up for not only sending the Washington Commanders into hell but hiding a turkey in the Salvation Army bucket and having players just eat it on the sideline. That’s the kind of sheer disrespect I can respect.
-I am 100% convinced that the “alarm” that sounded during Redzone that Scott Hanson had to address during the broadcast was actually just him pulling the fire alarm because he finally had to pee and couldn’t come up with a better way to step out.
CHAOS WATCH
The Packers have won two in a row! They looked like a competent team doing so! A little late for this season but hey maybe Jordan Love has the juice after all.
FRAUD WATCH
Lions, I’ve got my eye on you. You can’t hide your Jared Goof from me forever.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Cardinals. Look I tried to be fair and pick the upset knowing I’d probably lose, but you could have put up a better fight than that.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Reserved for the Carolina Panthers until further notice.
————————————————————
BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – MASCOT WEEK
SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys are on the part of the seasonal roller coaster where they are good and beat everybody and get MVP chatter. Will this be the first week of the second collapse? That would be pretty funny.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Blitz feeding Rowdy to her young Blitzes
COLTS @ TITANS
The Colts: sneaky capable! The Titans: a pile of dumpster goo!
If the Titans win, I will draw T-Rac taking Blue behind the shed
FALCONS @ JETS
I swear the Falcons schedule has been a cakewalk but nobody is noticing because the Falcons are also shit. If Arthur Smith fucks around and makes the playoffs, Atlanta is cursed. I can’t pick the Jets with how bad the QB situation is.
If the Jets win, I will draw Freddie Falcon getting hit by a sidewinder missile (The Jets do not have a mascot)
LIONS @ SAINTS
Okay Lions. You want to prove you are a big-boy team and go comfortably to the playoffs. Don’t play with your food, eat it.
If the Saints win, I will draw Sir Saint choking Roary with mardi gras beads
BRONCOS @ TEXANS
How the fuck did this game suddenly become one of the ones I most want to watch? How did this happen? What is going on? I’ll go Broncos, holy hell Im going Broncos
If the Texans win, I will draw Toro making glue out of Miles
CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS
Finally, the Chargers face a team they probably won’t choke against, the 2-8 Patriots.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Pat Patriot blasting Boltman with a cannon
CARDINALS @ STEELERS
The Steelers get to keep practicing out that fresh new mildly interesting offense on a hapless opponent
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Big Red crucifying Steely McBeam on a cactus
DOLPHINS @ COMMANDERS
Ron Rivera fucked up. He fired Jack Del Rio the week before playing the Dolphins. Now who does he get to blame when Mike McDaniel sends his defense to the shadow realm?
If the Commies win, I will draw Major Tuddy swinging T.D. around like Mario swinging Bowser
PANTHERS @ BUCS
Well, this game went from deeply unwatchable to slightly less unwatchable because I guess there is a chance that Carolina does something interesting with Reich gone
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sir Purr pouncing on Capt. Fear like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park
49ERS @ EAGLES
The Eagles keep going up against tough opponents and finding ways to win. I hate it. I also must respect it. I hope the 49ers can punch them in the mouth but I gotta roll Birds.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Sourdough Sam shooting Swoop out of the sky
BROWNS @ RAMS
Ugh. I had written the Rams off but then they go and look extremely good against the Cards. I had given the Browns my blessing then they shat their pants against the Broncos. Now I’m just confused. I’ll stick Browns but Im gonna pout about it.
If the Rams win, I will draw Rampage ripping Brownie in half
CHIEFS @ PACKERS
Chiefs are winning games because of defense. 2023 never ceases to amaze. This season has done wonders to show the value of skill-position stars. Mahomes can’t be final form Mahomes if he spins out of three tackles, throws a perfect dime 20 yards downfield, and then Kadarious Toney lets it boop off his helmet
If the Packers win, I will draw a large wheel of cheese crushing KC Wolf to death (The Packers do not have a mascot)
BENGALS @ JAGUARS
CAT FIGHT. Probably would have been better if the Bengals weren’t in a give-up spot right now.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Who Dey wearing a sexier speedo than Jaxson De Ville
A TIE
If the teams tie, I will have both mascots sinking into the lava of Mt Doom
Curse you, Dave. Don’t make me root for the Packers.
That was the most spineless fucking playcalling I’ve seen out of KOC yet. A chance to ice the game after a costly fumble, and you go two stopped runs and a screen? We deserved to lose that game. Absolutely fucking pathetic.
While I think it’s still too early to call for KOC’s firing, it’s been apparent for a while now that the man has zero killer instinct. This stubborn refusal to put games away and the repeated insistence on hyper-conservative playcalling in the 2nd half is what got us calling for Mike Zimmer’s firing. He didn’t learn from last week’s loss to the Broncos.
Alright, I suppose I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the FOUR interceptions we gave (though admittedly one of them hurt the Bears by taking yards from them). I was right to be cautious about hopping on the Dobbs wagon. I knew the shoe would drop eventually and agonizingly. But this loss was mostly on KOC, not Dobbs, I feel.
And now we return to our regularly scheduled “Vikings end season middle-of-the-pack and miss playoffs AND a chance for high draft pick”.
Pain.
Don’t forget the part where everyone hypes us up next year as a potential playoff threat only for us to botch it in either the wildcard or divisional round!
God, I just want a reset at QB. I don’t care if we suck outright for a few years, I just can’t take any more of the “good enough” Vikings…
Morons ripping Tua for only posting a 77.5 passer rating against the Jets.
Sometimes people don’t know *why* they don’t take the JEST seriously. They just know they shouldn’t.
“Finally, the Chargers face a team they probably won’t choke against, the 2-8 Patriots.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! hwooooooo. dave, this is your funniest joke yet. so deadpan. you typed that with a straight face. the chargers could choke against UMASS. 12-3 pats, all field goals.
Normally I’d agree with you but as of right now I don’t think this Patriots team can beat anyone outside of the team in Charlotte, NC. And I don’t even think they can convincingly beat them either.
Fuck the refs, I mean a true lack of kicker ended being our downfall, but the refs were super terrible on both sides, although it felt like we got 4 questionable DPIs, a catch that was ruled incomplete, and terrible ball placement (the ref was 2 fucking yards behind the actual spot on the FINAL PLAY). Now I don’t usually blame the refs but if there was a game that was ruined by refball it’s this one.
Chao meter?
Yeah, that’s about the level of fraud watch for the Lions right now. You’re looking at them like a naughty house cat, your brow is furrowed, you got your finger wagging at them, saying “Don’t be a fraud now, I’m watching you.”
I hope the extra long time to prepare will be used to right the ship
Don’t do it Dave, don’t trust Denver yet!
I think you’re being a bit unfair to Frank Reich. He generally kept the Colts upright and stable in the wake of the Andrew Luck retirement and Jim Irsay in general. I blame David Teper more for this fiasco than I do him. He’s a meddling owner who has no clue what he’s doing. From a purely football perspective, I think he’s proving to be by far the worst owner. (From the football perspective ONLY. He hasn’t shown himself to personally be as close a scumbag as Ross or Haslem.) I wonder if Jerry Richardson isn’t shut in a basement somewhere asking in Panther fan forums if they miss him yet
Oh I agree Tepper is the main problem in Carolina, but Frank wasn’t doing a good job there either. He looked worn out and tired. He probably should have taken a break before taking another HC job. Poor guy had a different starting QB every single year of being a coach.
Also Jerry Richardson died in March lol
Well, that basement is a lot hotter then I imagine lol
If you watched a Panthers game you’d understand why none of us are sad to see Reich go.
If the Jets and Falcons tie, would it be Robert Saleh sinking with Freddie Falcon into Mt. Doom?
Calling it now, this is the Tim Boyle get right game. Jets’ offense is about to go off, I’m talking at least 25 points. Not because they are good or anything but because this is the Falcons, and unless you are Derek Carr you may as well be Joe Montana out there slinging it. Prediction, Jets win on a walk off FG 26-24.
As a fan, I think the Falcons are going to do just enough the remaining part of the year that Arthur Smith won’t be fired. Us fans will then be doomed to watch his nonsense for another year. Which is a shame because at its core Arthur smith runs a good offense, but he is stubbornly committed to doing things that do not match the players strengths. Running an offense based off of “They won’t expect this” only works in bursts, it gets figured out over the length of the season. 8-9 not feeling so fine…
Can’t believe we’re living in a world where Broncos/Texans is an exciting showdown with huge playoff implications.