So this week is going to be a little bare bones in terms of analysis because I didn’t actually watch any games live except the final 10 minutes of the Bears embarrassing the Commanders. So if I missed stuff, please don’t let it go past me in the comments. All of this is based on reading articles and watching game recaps on Wednesday. Also, I am going to post the drawings from week 5 Friday, as I got 8 games wrong so I had too much work to do to get them done for today.

Some fun stuff happened! The week started strong with the Bears finally clicking and beating a team. I may have over estimated the Commanders, who beat the Cardinals and Broncos and have spent the other 3 games being a dumpster. This is a squad in limbo, waiting for next season for the true fresh start. Good for the Bears, who still own the top two picks in the draft as of right now, thanks to themselves and Carolina. The race for Caleb is heating up. The NFC North is rough this season, the Packers are experiencing…*gasp*, subpar QB play! The Vikings have continued their reign as masters of Chaos by playing fairly well but constantly coughing up the ball. Nathaniel Hackett won the revenge game and the Broncos continue to depress. The Cowboys are the semi-seasonal low point of the roller coaster where they lose badly and everyone overreacts. Those weeks are very funny. The Steelers somehow won another game they had no business winning because the Ravens couldn’t hold onto the damn ball. The Bills jet-lagged themselves into a loss to London’s very own Jaguars. Big win for the Jags, who looked lost for a few weeks. 

I’m still fairly confident the Giants aren’t this bad. They’ve spent basically every game with Thomas hurt or out and Saquon has been out since week 2. With no run game and the O-line a complete mess, they’ve had to face 4 good to great teams who reached the playoffs last season and are likely to again this season, with another such team (The Bills) next on the docket. Bad team or no, this schedule is brutal. The team overachieved against weak competition last year and are now paying dearly for overestimating themselves. Honestly, the losses don’t bother me as much as how bad the losses have been. They’ve only scored a single touchdown in the first half all year, and it was on defense. The excellent coaching I saw on offense last year to minimize weakness and exploit strengths and creativity is gone and I don’t know where it went. Jones is awful. Everything is a mess, and this week will likely just be another slaughter. Once they start facing more mediocre opponents like the Commies, Jets, Pats, Raiders…then we will see how bad this team really is.


Speaking of the Pats, how the mighty have fallen. The Pats are no longer a mediocre team without Brady, they are a pile of shit. The Saints, a deeply mediocre team, went into Foxboro and shelled Billy into a 34-0 shutout. That is arguably one of the most embarrassing results from every team this season, and easily the most embarrassing home loss of Belichick’s Patriots career. It’s wild to think that this team honestly looked more competent under Matt Patricia on offense. Rumors of Belichick’s seat being hot have already turned up, but I’d be stunned if he’s at risk of firing. This team is slipping and the fans and media market simply do not know how to react to Patriots systemic failures because most of these babies have never seen the growing pains and valleys of normal franchises. Stick Millennial Packers fans and Patriots fans in the same room and see who can be the more insufferable whiner without any perspective.

That said, Billy’s ability to draft and evaluate players is…kinda shit? He might need an actual GM to allow him to stick to coaching. Can anyone here name the last great Patriots draft pick? Their last great free agency signing? The Patriots used to be able to plug and play anyone into the system and have them produce and they could still draft alright for most of those Brady years. That is gone now. They haven’t added a stud to that team through any means in years.

With only highlights to go off of I don’t know if I can really pick a moment that stands out since the context of many of them is lost on me. You guys nominate the moment.

The Cowboys have reached the panic spot on the roller coaster. That means the next stage is for them to climb back into hype again. 

Also the Cowboys! While losing to the best team in the NFC is one thing, it’s another when this team has been a thorn in Dallas’ side for years now and you still suck this bad. Dak is not as bad as he looked on Sunday but he’s also not elite, and that fact keeps putting this team in the dirt right when they should be proving people wrong. 

The Packers. Growing pains are bound to happen with normal QBs but losing to Josh McDaniels after throwing 3 picks? Jordan Love turning into Jordan like you as a friend but not if you keep being creepy.

The Saints have graduated into a semi-watchable team. You know who isn’t watchable? The Panthers. The Bryce Young pick looks worse and worse as CJ Stroud plays well and Anthony Richardson shows flashes when he isn’t getting hurt. 5 games isn’t enough sample size to panic but Young just looks lost out there. His knocks were mostly on his measurables, not his intellect or ability to ball, so this is unfortunate. The Panthers are just absolute dreck. I had hopes for them too. 



It’s funny, Sean Payton actually has Russ playing alright football again. He’s still not the same guy we knew in the good years but after last season he’s clearly still got something left. That would be really nice if the defense wasn’t the football equivalent of already wet public restroom toilet paper.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as Baby Yoda

These Ravens and Titans are frustrating. The Titans aren’t as bad as I expected and the Ravens feel like they should be much better. So what happens when disappointment meets mild surprise? Uh…Ravens.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as the doomsday machine from Star Trek

If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as a facehugger

So the Saints aren’t awful and the Texans are flawed but fun. I’m genuinely torn. I’ll go Saints.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Lando

Another matchup of subpar losers with potential they aren’t meeting. I’m annoyed with the Commanders so I’ll go Falcons.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Sam Howell as an old-school cylon

Jaguars squeaked by the Colts in week 1, and I cannot get a bead on these Colts at all. The AFCS is a complete mishmash of teams I do not fully understand.
If the Colts win, I will draw whoever plays QB as Mal from Firefly

The Bengals have pulled a couple season saving wins out of their asses when they needed to this year, but you can’t sustain a full season by losing winnable weeks only to just stay alive with a squeaker win when it counts forever. Seahawks.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Captain of the Bengalprise

Oh man if the Vikings lose this I will be convinced they are going 4-13 in a reverse, perverse version of last year.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as the robot from the OG Lost in Space

Watson has a hurt shoulder. I guess he really does need a massage, but for very good reasons he can stay sore for life. I hope he plays and Nick Bosa sacks him so hard Watson’s ancestors get hurt in the spirit realm.
If the Browns win, I will draw Deshaun Watson as a Predator

Last year this matchup brought us the funniest moment of the entire season. I can’t hope for an outcome that funny again, but god there is hope. After last week I guess I have to go Raiders.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones as Mac from Mac and Me

I am rooting for the Baker angry tour but the Lions have established themselves as a class of the NFC.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as a blade runner

Josh Dobbs if such a fun story and extremely easy to root for. Shame he’s being wasted on this. I hope he can parlay his efforts this season into a decent backup job for a while.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as a xenomorph

GREEN FIGHT. It’s amazing how so many of these games would have been exciting if Rodgers was there and instead we have to hope for Zach Wilson to not fuck up just enough. Robert Saleh and company honestly deserve scorn for not even trying to stick a better quality backup QB out there. Wilson is awful.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson as Starbuck from Battlestar Gallactica 

Can we get to the part of the season where the Giants at least have a chance to win, please?
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as God Emperor of Dune. I know some of you will know what I mean by that

Kellen Moore revenge game? This will be genuinely great to watch. I’m gonna pick the Cowboys bouncing back.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as the space baby from 2001

If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs impaled on Darth Maul’s double sided lightsaber