The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Every few years I get roped into going out for Korean BBQ somehow and every single time I do I am reminded why I have a fundamental objection to Korean BBQ as a concept. Why am I going to a restaurant and paying a bunch of money…to cook my own food. Why is this acceptable. Why has society agreed that the cooks pawning their job off onto me, a much worse cook, is a good use of my money. How did we let this happen. Going out to eat is supposed to be about not cooking my own food. The point of restaurants is to pay a bunch of money so that everything is handled by other people who’s job it is to do that better than you. Serving, cooking, cleaning…that’s the point. You pay a high individual price for a meal for the convenience of not doing anything else but enjoying it. If I wanted to cook my own food, I’d stay home, look up recipes online if I wanted something new, and save a bunch of money by getting the ingredients myself. Korean BBQ (and any other place that has a grill for you to cook your own meat) might give you the service and the cleaning, and the food prep, but the cooking is up to you. The problem here is that there is no chance whatever I do to the food will be better than what the chef would have done. I am an average cook. I follow directions well and can improvise to modest success, but that’s it. I do not find much joy in the process of cooking, it is a means to an end. There’s no way I’m going to make this thin rib steak taste better than the actual chef would, which is the reason I went to a restaurant in the first place. Sure enough, I did not. Hell, a friend I was with did most of the work as he’s a trained cook, and the food was still…fine.

I tell this story because I spent Saturday night awake with a stomach ache, didn’t get much sleep, and then spent Sunday in a major daze, so this chaos report might not be terribly accurate, my memory of the Sunday games is fuzzy.

The week started strongly with Bailey Zappe throwing 3 TDs in one half against the much-ballyhooed Steelers Defense. This would end up being all the Patriots would need to win, because even with Matt Canada gone the offense is a dead possum on the side of a country road. The Steelers have now lost two straight home games to teams with over 8 losses, a new record for a Tomlin team. Things are going great!

The Jaguars got beat by Joe Flacco. The Bengals, despite losing Burrow, refuse to die. They even lost the guy who replaced Joe Burrow and had to finish the Colts game with AJ McCarron under center. The Chargers died as they lived: with major disappointment. Herbert is out for the rest of the year with a busted finger so now the team can finally just lie down and die. The Broncos of all teams now has a chance to win the division thanks to the Chiefs losing two in a row (we will get to this). The Bucs lead the NFCS at 6-7, tied with the Falcons and Saints. What a disgrace. The Bears would defeat the Lions, who now actively are at risk of losing the division and appear to be almost guaranteed a first-round playoff exit.

The Cowboys and 49ers currently look like the best teams in the NFL as the previously anticipated AFC is not showing up as much as you’d think. Brock Purdy and Dak Prescott seem like the frontrunners for MVP right now, and frankly, I’d prefer if Dak won it because as great as the Purdy story is, he is surrounded by players more valuable than him who will not get a nod thanks to them not playing the most inherently valuable position. MVP is a bad award for football, turn it into a Cy-Young style award only for QBs since the position is by default always the most valuable. Then Offensive/Defensive player of the year can go to everyone else. If you take Dak and Purdy off their teams, which team suffers more from the loss? I think the Cowboys easily suffer worse. Dak is the MVP right now if he keeps this up.

The week ended with two games playing at the same time on Monday night because someone at Disney apparently wanted that. It was stupid. BUT THEN BOTH GAMES DELIVERED THE CHAOS AND I HAD TO RE-WRITE THIS WHOLE FUCKIN BLOG.

GIANTS CORNER
A very messy game. The wind wreaked havoc. Dual missed field goals. The Packers made lots of mistakes, including a muffed punt that lead to a Giants TD, although on the whole the Giants didn’t really capitalize on the mistakes. The Giants also muffed a punt to give the Packers points and Saquon pulled a Danny Dimes BUT WORSE when he tripped in open space with the win on the line and fumbled it. The Packers would take the confused Giants down to almost the redzone after picking up the loose ball and then scoring the go-ahead TD. They would shart their pants on the 2pt conversion attempt though on yet another failed en-around to Reed, and that proved to be their undoing. Tommy Touchdowns DeVito strikes again with a killer throw to put the squad in field goal range and after some clock milking runs Fat Randy Bullock wins the game as Tommy’s family and agent yell GABAGOOL from the stands. This is a stupid timeline with a meme QB winning games against bad defenses and the joy isn’t likely to last, but I am enjoying this ride so much it almost redeems how depressing the early season was.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
I was so tempted to put the Vikings back in the honorary spot they so richly deserve but goddamn, the Titans are our new Chaos Overlords. The Tits kept the game closer than expected early on, but you might assume that was because Tyreek Hill was hurt. Sure, that probably helped. But I think the Chaos Gods have simply given us a new chosen one.
The Titans blocked a field goal. The Titans threw a pick-6 from their own 5 yard line. The game was 13-13 with less than 6 minutes left in the 4th quarter. The Titans would muff a punt on an absolutely stupid special teams play giving the Dolphins a 20-13 lead. On the very next drive, Levis and Henry fumbled a pitch play and the Dolphins get the ball at the 13 and score seconds later to go up 27-13 with 4:30 left. A complete Titans implosion. OR WAS IT?!?! THE TITANS WERE JUST GETTING STARTED.

The Tits would finally put together a nice drive to score with 2:40 left to play. They surprisingly went for 2 (and got it) to be only behind by 6 points. Analytics nerds creamed themselves. The Titans get the quick stop and now have the ball with 2 minutes left and no timeouts. A deep strike to Hopkins and a great screen and they are inside the ten. With 1:53 left, they score on a Henry run. Just like that, the Titans were down 14 Points. Just like that, the Titans are up by 1. All of this happened in the final 6 minutes of play. The Dolphins get the ball for one more drive, Tua stumbles into a sack on 4th down, and the Titans win. The Titans have gone from unwatchable dreck to extremely watchable dreck and I love them for it.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
-You already know. The Chiefs had one of the greatest game-winning plays you’ll ever see: A deep ball caught by Taylor Swift’s man of the hour then lateralled to a wide-open Kadarious Toney for the touchdown. It was perfect. It was perfectly Chiefs and Mahomes bullshit. It was perfect Buffalo Bills choking bullshit. But then…the flag. For Offensive offsides. Toney had lined up past the line of scrimmage like the fucking dope he is. Play negated, the Chiefs would lose shortly afterward. It then lit a firestorm of crybaby bullshit from Mahomes and company and you better believe this will get talked about in an upcoming comic this week.
-There is a man literally named Easton Stick. What kind of parent would do this to their child?
-We had a walk-off punt return! The Ravens put a little bow on top of a hard-fought Rams game with an overtime punt return for touchdown. This was probably the best game of the week and it had a delightful ending.
–Zach Wilson had a good game! He put up solid numbers and performed well. Normally this would not be worth mentioning, but because it was Zach Wilson, it is.

CHAOS WATCH
Gotta keep our eyes on the Broncos now that the playoffs are within reach. Also need to watch the Bears, since they have the #1 pick pretty much on lock they can afford to fuck around and win random games.
Titans? You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.

FRAUD WATCH
I’ve already mentioned the Lions in here but just a reminder: the Lions are totally frauds.
May also have to keep our eye on the Eagles. Two bad losses to the best two teams in the conference bode poorly for the playoffs and one can’t help but wonder if they’ve simply started to hit a bit of a wall after spending much of the season winning unconvincingly.
The Jaguars as well. Had a chance last week to take the #1 seed and blew it, then came back and lost to Joe Flacco. This squad has a lot of flaws.

But the team that deserves the biggest fraud watch right now: the Miami Dolphins. They looked like ass on offense after Hill got hurt and halfway through December they have yet to beat a team with a winning record. Can’t trust these bozos.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Texans looked like the team we expected them to be in the offseason out there against the Jets. Woeful performance.

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS AWARD FOR MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Let’s go with The Raiders. The Chargers at least had Herbert’s injury to blame for looking so awful.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – ANIME – More than willing to accept some help on this one, I’ve watched a lot of anime in the past few years but not really much Shonen but that’s where most of the popular characters are and I can’t fill this list with characters like Johan Leibert. If you know who that is without looking it up, we can be friends.

CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
I swear how the hell does TNF manage to do this, every single game is cursed. The only matchup that looked any good was Bengals/Ravens but that was the game Burrow went out early. No wonder Al Michaels is drunk all the time. I guess the Raiders now that Herbie is out?
If the Chargers win, I will draw EASTON STICK as Vash the Stampede

VIKINGS @ BENGALS
Josh Dobbs/Nick Mullens vs Jake Browning/AJ McCarron. Fucking oof. Oof I say. I will probably spend most of Saturday playing video games and cleaning the house instead of watching football if this is the kind of game on the menu. Bengals, probably.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Saitama from One Punch Man

STEELERS @ COLTS
You know, with how gross the Steelers have played two weeks in a row, I’m gonna have to go with Minshew Mania.
If the Steelers win, I will draw TJ Watt as Alphonse Elric from Full Metal Alchemist

BRONCOS @ LIONS
The Lions badly need a “get back on track” win after spending the last 4 weeks either losing or squeaking by. They haven’t convincingly destroyed anyone since October. If they lose this one things are going to reach panic mode. You have to give them hope, Mr Muscles.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as Astro Boy

GIANTS @ SAINTS
The Saints are mediocre and the Giants are bad and always play like butt in the super dome, pretty easy choice even with the joke that is the NFC South.
If the Giants win, I will draw Tommy Devito as Giorno Giovanna, from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (Thanks for the tip everyone)

BEARS @ BROWNS
Browns are probably playoff-bound at this rate even with Joe Flacco. That’s kinda cool. Man I wish they hadn’t sold their soul, this team would be so fun to root for otherwise.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Kamina from Gurren Lagann

FALCONS @ PANTHERS
You know when you see something or smell something gross and you dry heave, nothing comes up except a bit of acid that sticks to the back of your throat and makes your throat feel wrong and your chest muscles hurt from the heave and you are just kinda stuck that way for 10 minutes waiting for it to pass? That, but for 3 hours.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Megumin from Konosuba

BUCS @ PACKERS
I do like seeing Baker Mayfield lead the South. It’s charming. Dude has had a rough go of things and while this year proves he’s nothing good at least he’s having a good time. Packers by 14.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Tanjiro Kamado from Demon Slayer

JETS @ DOLPHINS
I got in a brief twitter argument with some numbers dope who tried to make the argument that Tua is playing QB better than Mahomes this year. Now, I actually agreed with his thesis. I do think Tua is having a better year. My issue with the dope was how he decided to present his argument, by cutting out a major part of Mahomes’ and the Chiefs game because it would have made Mahomes’ numbers look better. If you are going to be so openly biased like that why even bother trying to use stats? The numbers are meaningless if you just openly cut out parts of the equation that you personally do not value. It’s a very good example of why I have difficulties trusting stats people, stats are often used poorly to couch what is just a regular old opinion in official-looking numbers to give it this false air of objective truth. Anyway the Dolphins should win.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson as Naruto

CHIEFS @ PATRIOTS
Well this would be embarassing if the Chiefs manage to lose this.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Genkai from YuYu Hakusho

TEXANS @ TITANS
This game will determine if the Texans 2023 magic is truly gone. I don’t know if Stroud will play after going into concussion protocol Sunday. The Titans are poop from a butt but could steal some magic here.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Big O

49ERS @ CARDS
Most of the time when I see a matchup like this I usually joke that it’s a snuff film and then the game ends up being closer than anyone expects it to be. So I’m going to say the Cards put up a fight here, but still lose.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as Anya from Spy X Family

COMMIES @ RAMS
Commies probably just want the season to end at this point. The coach is toast, the year is toast, just mercy double tap me please.
If the Commies win, I will draw Sam Howell as Mob from Mob Psycho

COWBOYS @ BILLS
This game has the potential to kick total ass! Going Cowboys, they are playing better.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as Monkey D Luffy

RAVENS @ JAGUARS
First place battle for playoff seeding! Ravens are a good team, Jaguars are also a good team, but worse.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Super Saiyan Goku

EAGLES @ SEAHAWKS
BIRD FIGHT. If Philly loses here we are definitely in Phraud territory
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith as Guts from Berzerk

A TIE
If we get a tie will draw both QBs choking each other on the beach at the End of Evangelion