WEEK 8 CHAOS REPORT: What An Actual Flu Game Looks Like
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
This wasn’t too wild a week. The Bills and Dolphins returned to form. The Chargers took care of easy business. The Ravens knocked the Cardinals back into their top-ranked draft slot as the Josh Dobbs fun hour has become the Josh Dobbs “when does Kyler get back” hour. Bad teams stayed bad too, with the Patriots looking dismal, the Falcons looking dismal, and the Colts being a mess. Is anyone else already very worried about Anthony Richardson? He’s already out for the year and everything we saw from him in his limited time playing made me worry for his longevity. He’s got the talent but he might Bob Sanders himself. The Bucs went back to being the Bucs of old and the entire NFC South is a war crime. However, the Panthers finally managed to get their first win of the season and the CJ Stroud hype has gone back into the closet as the Texans have regressed back to expectations. The Commanders, for whatever reason, play like Super Bowl contenders against Philadelphia but like the previous game just couldn’t seal the deal. The Cowboys, having suffered the annual midseason confounding slump quietly got back to business. Dak never plays better than when nobody is paying attention and everyone has written him off as mistake-prone. The Seahawks managed to save themselves from an ugly game against Cleveland and are now in first place after the 49ers have fallen to bits. Good for the Bengals though, who finally, in week 8, looked like The Bengals again. The less said about the Bears the better. But the Packers? Woof, what a mess. They showed a touch of promise early this year against the Bears and Saints but since then it’s been a nightmare. This does however have an upside: legions of young Packers fans who have never experienced actual uncertainty and disgust are having existential crises about the future and it is very funny. They are not handling this well. The Raiders and the Lions gave us a football game. It had some fun in it, like Jared Goof showing back up for a quality pick-6.
GIANTS CORNER
Honestly, that was hilarious. The instant they got 4th and one at the end of the game and decided to try kicking a field goal in the rain my entire spine lit up with “oh we’re gonna lose this”. I don’t even hate the call as much as a lot of Giants fans do. Getting one yard in a game where neither team could move the ball is not a given, and if they don’t get it, the Jets are in the exact same position they would be if the field goal is missed. The plus side would be that it ends the game, which was the main reason to do it. Kicking the gimme field goal there puts the Giants up by 6 and forces a team that couldn’t move the ball all day to drive the field, and a miss is exactly the same as missing the conversion. More chance for the Jets to win, but not bad. Gano normally makes that kick, but he’s apparently got swelling in his knee or something and the weather was awful, and I can’t say anyone could have expected Zach Wilson to suddenly make good throws when it mattered. Just a glorious way to lose what could very well be the ugliest laugher of a game all year. The only thing that game taught me was that Tommy DeVito is irrelevant. To be fair to Mr DeVito, an undrafted rookie getting his first playtime on a rainy day against the Jets defense was a bad spot to start playing pro football.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
I don’t know if a better representation of the past decade of New York/New Jersey football exists than that shitfest on Sunday. Terrible weather. Incompetent passing. Injuries on every other play. The Giants had -9 yards passing. The Jets were on their 4th string center, who fumbled his very first snap. If you were watching Redzone you would have forgotten the game was happening. A man named Tommy DeVito “played” QB after Tyrod got hurt on a play in which he caught his own fumble of a pass. He threw the ball maybe 5 times. Zach Wilson did nothing of value until he lit it up on the final two drives (partially aided by terrible DPI).
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
The moment Kirk Cousins tore his Achilles the entire Vikings season went up in smoke. It was honestly a tragedy. Despite the record, which is mostly due to absurd levels of turnovers, the Vikings and Kirk specifically were playing pretty good football. They had climbed out of an early loss hole in a fairly weak division and could have easily competed for the playoffs. Kind of a bummer, and that might be the last time we ever see Kirk in a Vikings uniform. Never has a win over the Packers felt more like a loss.
CHAOS WATCH
WILL LEVIS with 4 TDs in his NFL debut, 3 being huge bombs? I’m here for Mayo Coffee Man lighting the NFL on fire. Will they trade Tannehill to Minnesota and rebuild around the young QBs they have? It is probably a good bet as the Texans, Colts, and Titans are not going to beat out the Jaguars for the division at this rate.
FRAUD WATCH
I didn’t want to put the 49ers on fraud watch after the Vikings loss but I don’t know how we can’t put them on fraud watch now. 3 losses in a row and the 9ers have looked increasingly fraudulent in each one. The ballyhooed defense is suddenly getting gashed. Brock Purdy is making the kinda mistakes we’ve all been sort of waiting for. To be fair, according to a lot of analytics people, Purdy has been making mistakes plenty this year but he’s gotten lucky that many of them went unpunished. Now the INTs are being caught. This team looked like the class of the NFC and now they are spiraling hard.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Chiefs. They lost to the Broncos for the first time since 2015. It was uncharacteristic all around. Mahomes looked wrong…and that’s because he was! His family and himself reportedly got sick before the game and Mahomes decided to play anyway. He threw 2 picks and got strip-sacked as the team couldn’t even put up a single touchdown. Maybe it was subterfuge and part of a long con to save Vance Joseph’s job.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
I know the defense is good and that’s why most of these games are slugfests but if Giants/Jets was ugly football as comedy, watching the Steelers is ugly football as just ugly. Watching the Steelers, especially on offense, makes me want to claw my eyes out. George Pickens is good for one cool ass catch per game but it’s not enough to justify this mess. The defense is stifling but in that way that isn’t fun to watch unless you are a direct fan of the team, because they aren’t a turnover generation machine or a bend/dont break but just a total shutdown 3 and out forcer. They remind me of the Pats/Rams super bowl from several years ago which was an incredible display of defense that also happened to be an unwatchable slog. This game was headed directly for another 4th quarter ass pull win from Pittsburgh too, but thankfully the Jaguars shut it down. Fire Matt Canada, make Pittsburgh watchable again.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – In honor of our fallen hero, Kirk “Phat Dumpy” Cousins, this will be our second annual PHAT DUMPY WEEK
TITANS @ STEELERS
Finally, the ugly unwatchable Thursday game we all wanted to see. Who is ready to see Mitch Trubski flop around like a dead fish while the defense keeps Derrick Henry and Will Levis from doing anything interesting? You are, you sickos. I’ll be there with ya, excited to hear how Al Michaels takes valuable airtime to shit on the very game he’s watching. I’d have to imagine the Steelers take this one.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis wiping his ample ass with a terrible towel
DOLPHINS @ CHIEFS
Hopefully as many people are as healthy as possible for this because goddamn we deserve for this to be the game we want it to be. While this week felt like an anomaly for the Chiefs, I’m still taking the Dolphins. If this game turns into a shootout the Dolphins simply have the better squad for that kind of fight, and you better believe Tyreek Hill probably wants to stick it to his old team. The Chiefs will always be the Chiefs (especially if Kelce gets his Swift power up for the game) but it’s hard to deny the team just doesn’t look quite as stable on offense without better weapons.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Kermit Mahomes with a surprising level of junk in that trunk
VIKINGS @ FALCONS
The Falcons schedule so far: CAR, GB, DET, JAX, HOU, WAS, TB, TEN. If this team was even remotely competent they could be at least 6-2. Now they get to face a Vikings team that is going to be trotting out god knows who at QB, and I still don’t have any confidence in them, and feel like I have to pick them anyway.
If the Vikings win, I will draw whoever starts getting the Phat Dumpy torch passed to them from our Phat Dumpy god
BEARS @ SAINTS
Oh, turns out Tyson Bagent isn’t good and only beat The Raiders? Man, what a shame. The Saints are mid this season which is good enough to hang 30+ on the Bears.
If the Bears win, I will draw Tyson Bagent with a Grizzly Sized Behind
RAMS @ PACKERS
The Packers are now an aristocrats joke whenever Jordan Love faces pressure.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love’s Cheesewheel Cheeks
COMMANDERS @ PATRIOTS
I like it when we have a game in week 9 between two losers trying to get that season-saving win so they can be called Mid instead of Bad. Commanders seem more competent but this could go either way. EDIT: The Commanders are in fire sale mode so I’m changing the pick.
If the Commies win, I will draw Sam’s Howell’s District of Columbuttia
SEAHAWKS @ RAVENS
Scary dark birds currently playing better consistent football than mystical ocean raptors, and dark birds are at home. This is a battle between two first placers though, and would be a solid resume win for both. Seahawks need it more but I’m going Lamar.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno’s Puget Pounder
BUCS @ TEXANS
Texans look bleh again so I guess I’ll go with the Bucs.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud’s Assterpiece
CARDINALS @ BROWNS
Cardinals are looking like the tanking team we initially expected them to be.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw whoever the starter is (not currently known as of writing) with a tank of a tuchus
COLTS @ PANTHERS
Colts, as messy as they are, can still put up points. The Panthers can barely do that.
If the Panthers win, I will draw tiny Bryce Young with the ass of a regular sized man
GIANTS @ RAIDERS
It would be extremely Giants to start Daniel Jones again, get a win against a stupid Raiders team, and knock us out of the worst teams race. That said, I am physically incapable of trusting my own team to get a win. Raiders at home. ESPECIALLY now that they fired Josh McDaniels and will get the New Coach bump. The New Coach is Antonio Pierce, Giants legend.
If the Giants win, I will draw Danny’s Dozer. Or Barkley’s Bazoonga, depending on how the game goes
COWBOYS @ EAGLES
This game will depend entirely on which Cowboys team shows up. I predict the good one shows up, forcing us to take the Cowboys seriously again, before they shit the bed the next week.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Hurts squatting 600lbs with his pushed tush
BILLS @ BENGALS
I am not looking forward to the amount of Damar Hamlin shit this broadcast is going to throw at us. I am looking forward to mocking all the conspiracy wackos who think he’s a clone. Bengals for the victory since the Bills are trying to not be mid and frankly I think the Bengals would have won the Damar Hamlin game to begin with.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen in the snow with his rumbling rear
CHARGERS @ JETS
Fuck me, the Chargers are dumb enough to lose this. I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna pick the Jets.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert with a very large butt, you get it by now
A TIE
If we get a tie, disappointed Kirk and his Phat Dumpy will sit on both QBs
Happy Halloween!
“Good for the Bengals though, who finally, in week 8, looked like The Bengals again.”
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing that as a sincere complement and not a searing indictment.
I had to re-read it a couple of times to make sure the second letter in Bengals was an ‘e’ and not a ‘u’.
I don’t think the 49ers are frauds just yet. Plenty of great teams have hit ugly rough patches around this point in the season and to be completely fair San Fran caught the Vikings and Bengals when they were both trending back up and obviously a lot better than their records indicated. The main concern is that Brock’s INT luck is all used up and he’s noticeably making a lot more boneheaded throws, but that can be fixed with play calling. Their bye week could not have come at a better time and I think they’ll reset and get back to form after it.
Of the last 10 super bowl winners, only the 2021 rams had a 3 game losing streak. Great teams do not drop 3 in a row while scoring 17 or less. This is shanny regressing to the mean.
Trent Williams for MVP! He got hurt in the first quarter against Cleveland and they haven’t won since! I remember the best recent version of the Cowboys, Dak looked like an MVP until his line got hurt then the whole offense collapsed. An elite O-Line can elevate an offense in ways we rarely see anybody talk about (probably because we can’t draft them in fantasy football).
I feel like you picked the Cowboys because you really want to draw that Eagles bet.
“The Packers are now an aristocrats joke whenever Jordan Love faces pressure.”
This is the quality writing that keeps me here. Bravo, Dave, bravo!
Dave, stop picking the Dolphins against winning teams. How many times do they have to blow it against winning teams before people stop picking them to beat winning teams
Hamlin is a clone. Huh, hadn’t heard that one yet.
The really, really in deep end of the anti-vax conspiracy crowd managed to convince themselves that Damar’s heart stopping was caused by the vaccine, and that he actually died that night and has been replaced by a clone to try and cover up that the vax killed him
it’s very funny
The goofiest part about this theory is that, why not just say he died of the hit to the chest? Seems a much easier coverup than a clone.
The specific subset of people I’m talking about are in so deep that nothing they believe makes any logical sense to begin with. To them it makes perfect sense that Damar is actually a clone because it makes perfect sense that the deep state is covering up how the Vax is poison and caused his heart to fail etc etc. They are loons
I met one of them in real life, he was my greyhound driver. Strange dude. Spent awhile talking about how he totally supported his trans niece (formerly nephew) and how “you wouldn’t know this difference, like he, I guess she, is really hot”.
Well thats kind of heartwarming at least
Godspeed to Captain Kirk….I guess his Achilles just couldn’t carry that phat dumpy anymore….
The main reason Pittsburgh lost last week was Pickett going down at the end of the half. I’m not going to claim Pickett is the best QB in the league, but he’s miles ahead of everyone else under center. Watching Trubisky play made me want to gouge my eyes out.
I say all of this because if there is any indication Pickett won’t play Thursday, you need to switch to the Titans. Immediately. Yeah, I know Pickett claims he’ll play. I’m not convinced a turn around of a few days is healthy or if he’ll even be in all game. And if our backups get in, the league might as well just end it there.
Young Packers fans? Heck, I’m 41, and other than a few years here and there, I’ve never faced much uncertainty with them.
Since the game is in Houston shouldn’t it be CJ Stroud’s Asstrodomes?
In the event of a Giants win, how about Sexy Dexy’s Massive Recty?
With the Commies trading away Sweat and Young, are you sure you still want to pick them?
“If we get a tie, disappointed Kirk and his Phat Dumpy will sit on both QBs”
Never in my life have I wanted a game to end up a tie as much as now!
why is it OK – heroic even – to play with the flu, but there’s a 101 page manual for how to deal with a cold?