WILDCARD WEEKEND DELIVERED BABY. Maybe not a ton of quality close playoff games, but we had some real fun this weekend didn’t we boys? Well, maybe I did. This weekend went about as well as I could have hoped. Only game that didn’t go the way I wanted it to was the Chiefs/Dolphins game. That was also probably the most boring game of the weekend so let’s start there. The Dolphins were frauds, the spent the entire season making their case against weak competition and crumbling against anyone who could punch them in the mouth. We can officially start calling Tua the next Dak or Cousins. He’s good enough, but it’ll rarely be enough when it matters. The Chiefs, blessed with soul-crushing temperatures further crushing the souls of their south Florida counterparts, grinded out a very 2023 Chiefs win. The offense was flaccid, the defense held firm, and Mahomes got 20 yards scrambles because every defender is afraid to touch him. Outside one underthrown bomb to Tyreek Hill, the Dolphins were beached all game. This game was streamed exclusively on Peacock and called by Jason Garrett. If you missed this game, don’t feel bad about it.

The weekend started with a bang though in what we would not realize would be the second biggest upset of the week. The Texans were hot coming in, we knew this. The Browns were injured, we knew this. But the Browns already beat them once and had the best defense around. Flacco could at least game manage, right? Oh. Oh no. The first half was at least competitive with the Texans looking sharp but the Browns managing to stick around. Then in the 3rd quarter the Joe Flacco Bandwagon fell into a ditch, exploded, and then set the Cuyahoga river on fire. Back to back pick-6’s. No team may have taken a bigger collective L than Cleveland this weekend. They got embarrassed by the very team they were fleeced by in the Rapist trade. This Texans team was built on the back of that Browns mistake. Two days later, Baker Mayfield, the QB they scorned to get the rapist, won his second playoff game. Next year the Watson contract comes home to roost and kill the roster. Lie in the bed you made, Cleveland.

Lions/Rams was probably the best actual game of the weekend, a solid competitive game between two good teams. The refs did get at least one terrible call in on the Lions again, calling them for a false start when it should have been a neutral zone infraction on the Rams. But outside that, Stafford was Stafford, the Lions were the Lions, and Detroit finally got to celebrate a playoff win for the first time since I was 4 years old. Words can’t express how happy I am for those fans. Enjoy the moment, Detroit. The Rams may have bowed out early but I think there is a lot for LA to be excited about in the future.

Monday, thanks to the snow delay, gave us the worst day for Pennsylvania Football maybe ever. The Steelers put up a fight against Buffalo but still looked embarassing. The defense just did not want to tackle and Josh Allen managed to juke a guy 7 yards away on his 50 yard TD scamper. This almost turned into a classic 2023 Steelers game where Pittsburgh looks like ass but the other team can’t put them away and the Steelers spend the second half creeping back into the picture, but thankfully the Bills finally spanked them late in the 4th and gave us the relief we needed. Mike Tomlin did not take the press conference afterward well. We might have one more legacy coach on the outs for all we know. The Eagles fared even worse. Cementing their fraudulence they came out flat against the Bucs and never looked back. The game was close enough for a while because the Bucs are also kinda shit but Tampa would throw the dagger in midway through the 4th and it would not be a shock to see Sirianni get fired after this. Historic collapse.

But you know what game I had to save for last. I don’t think I got more enjoyment out of a football game this year than watching Green Bay demolish the very soul of the Dallas Cowboys. I don’t even like Green Bay! I kinda hate Green Bay! Seeing them have yet another franchise guy with a bright future for the 3rd time in a row is infuriating! Fuck the Packers! But goddamn if they didn’t give me the biggest shit-eating grin I had all weekend. I cackled so loud on that Dak pick-6 that I scared my dog. I spent every commercial break dancing down the hall to get a snack. I was so worried that this was the team that would finally do it. They had won 16 straight games at home. They were on fire. Dak was in the MVP race. Micah Parsons was unstoppable. The Cowboys looked like they could finally reach the NFC championship and maybe go even further. Then the #7 seed Packers burned down Jerryworld in a bonfire so spectacular that would make Burning Man look like a match in a blizzard. The score gives a false impression of a shootout. It only got that close because the Packers put in their backups. The game was 48-16 midway through the 4th. A complete team collapse on all phases. It should be impossible to get as open as Luke Musgrave was on this TD. Dallas went from the top of the world to the pit of despair in front of the world and witnessing it was a treat that I will treasure forever. Dak goes back to languishing in overhyped hell, Kirk Cousins 2.0. Mike McCarthy might not have a job by the time you read this. Fuck the Dallas Cowboys, I say, and the Green Bay Packers obliged.

The weekend was nothing but awesome for Giants fans. Now we can watch the playoffs stress-free. What a delight.

The entire country seemed like it was experiencing a winter freeze this weekend. Snow at my parent’s house in Maryland. Snow out here in Oregon. Kansas City with one of the coldest playoff games in NFL history. To top it all off, Buffalo/Pittsburgh got delayed to Monday and for the first time in maybe ever, the NFL just said: sit wherever the fuck you want. If you can’t clear the stands, just let the drunks do whatever.

Josh Allen’s 52 yard TD was probably my favorite play of the weekend but we had a lot of good stuff I’ve also already mentioned. Joe Flacco’s back-to-back pick-6’s. Green Bay’s wide-open TD. The Eagles finally getting stuffed on a tush push in the final attempt of Kelce’s career.

Well now we gotta pay the Texans and Packers some real attention. San Francisco is quite a tall order for a team like Green Bay, but I thought the same thing about Dallas so who knows. It would be wild to see the Texans knock out the AFC North two weekends in a row.

We knew the Eagles were frauds, but I had no idea how fraudulent Dallas was. Rest in Piss, Bozos

Hard to look more disappointing than Dallas did this weekend. The first 2 seed in history to lose to a 7 seed.

Dallas eventually scored some points. The Eagles were slightly competitive. The Browns didn’t fall off the cliff till the second half. Miami? Miami was worthless from the word go. They had one cool play.



The Ravens claim of best team in the league will finally get put against the stress of the playoffs. While the Texans did surprise us this past weekend, can they keep it up? They have a chance, for sure. But this is the league juggernaut. The Browns were depleted and starting a backup QB. The Ravens are starting the likely MVP. The game is in Baltimore. Anything short of the AFCCG is a disappointment for the Ravens and I think they know it. We must appreciate the Texans miracle run while we can. It likely ends on Saturday.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as the new sheriff in town
If the Ravens win, I will draw a Raven Lamar Jackson cawing as CJ Stroud drowns in Old Bay

The 49ers have enjoyed nothing more than destroying the hopes and dreams of Packer fans for a decade now, since the Kaep years. They handed Rodgers 4 different playoff embarrassments. So will they do the same with Jordan Love? The 49ers are coached better than Dallas and far more battle-tested. They are less likely to immediately shit themselves and run around screaming like Dallas did. But it’s hard to not be intrigued.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love standing upon the grave of the 49ers and Rodgers simultaneously
If the 49ers win, I will draw Prospector Brock Purdy blowing up the train tracks and sending the Love Train into the river

The Lions got the hardest win out of the way. The pressure of making this season meaningful outside just earning a division win is over. They got the playoff victory and can now loosen up. Luckily they drew the long straw and probably spent the entire Eagles/Bucs game thinking to themselves “oh, we gonna destroy whoever wins this”. They probably will. I hope they do. The Lions? In a championship game? I want this.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield blasting a cannonball through coach Dan “Muscles” Campbell
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff hoisting the Lions flag upon his captured Buccaneer ship

The Bills are still a chaotic mess. They took some injuries against the Steelers and still play like boneheads just as often as they play like superstars. This is the strongest Chiefs defense they’ve faced, but it is also the weakest offense they’ve faced, and the game is in Buffalo. They beat these Chiefs in Arrowhead a month ago. I cannot stand the thought of another Chiefs championship game, especially the most unwatchable version we’ve seen in 6 years. Please Buffalo, send the Walrus home. I’m begging you.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw State Farm Mahomes bundling Buffalo and Miami into the trash can
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as a hybrid Buffalo Man, strong and proud