Tonight we watch the surprisingly hobbled Chiefs take on the massively hyped Lions. Our nightmare wait is over. What teams will rise? What teams will fall? What kind of season will we experience? Will it be the same ol’ competitors at the top again or will we have some new blood in the Super Bowl? Hell, we won’t even know which teams are good until like weeks 3-4 so lets just sit back and let the week 1 overreactions pile up.

PICS ARE BACK. Let’s not waste more time and get to what the people want. I plan on doing a lot more themes this year because it makes coming up with ideas much easier, but we’ll stick to standard stuff for week 1. REMINDERS FOR THE FORGETFUL AND THE NEWBIES:
-I pick every game’s winner. If I get the winner wrong, I have to draw the bet I have come up with
-Do not ask if I can “draw the idea anyway”, I do not want to lose, because I’m lazy and do not want to do extra work. A good week for me is bad for you, and vice versa.
-Pics are posted on Mondays, and the post will be updated on Tuesdays to accommodate the MNF games. This year I plan on posting the pictures for Monday but probably not doing the picks section until Tuesday, so this year be sure to check both days.
-You are allowed to suggest changes and ideas to the drawings, if I like them better than my own, I will likely use them. Keep in mind I prefer simple, concise ideas that allow me some flexibility in how to present it. I am not recreating the Sistine Chapel.
-I am allowed to change my winner bet anytime before the game (mostly to account for injuries and such), but not after the game has started. I can change my idea for the drawing whenever I want because sometimes games are so weird that they present ideas during the event itself.

It’s honestly very, very tempting to pick the Lions here. The Chiefs might be without Kelce and are in a contract feud with Chris Jones. The Lions are a shockingly common pick for the NFCN crown and have gotten a ton of hype following the surge late last season. There is also a lot of pressure on the hosting winner now, and we saw the Bills embarrass the Rams last season. I would not be surprised if the Lions actually do manage to win this, but it’s still an outside shot and I am not picking against the best player in football.
If the Lions win, I will draw Coach Muscles as a Lion doing a kickflip off the Walrus

The Bengals are shockingly bad versus the Browns in the Burrow era for whatever reason and maybe The Rapist actually remembers how to play football with a normal offseason back under his belt. But I think the Browns are going to be mediocre, disappointingly average, and honestly forgettable this season. Maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know if Burrow will be fully himself for the game either but I’m going with the Bengals because they are simply the better team.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie Elf peeing on a plate of Skyline Chili

The Texans are on the right track. That track won’t hit a meaningful station for a while though. The Ravens are at home, have an explosive new offensive coordinator, OBJ, and a healthy Lamar back. This should be a ritual slaughter.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as the anointed one

The Bucs are starting Baker Mayfield. Even a regressed to-the-mean Vikings team should be able to take care of business here.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield keelhauling Kirk Cousins

Can the new Tiny QB ™ defeat…uh…(checks notes) I guess they went with Ridder as the starter, makes sense. I think the Panthers will end up a decent team eventually and probably be better than the Falcons by year’s end, but not in week 1 with the Falcons more experienced and likely ready to just run the ball all over.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Tiny Bryce Young engaged in midair combat with a falcon

The Commies feel like a candidate to start out of the gate surprisingly hot and then fade into mediocrity after the early season surge. It helps that game one is against the team most openly tanking.
If the Cardinals defy basic logic and win, I will draw Coach Gannon as Gannondorf.

Jaguars are the easy favorite to win the AFC South, but they might actually be the only good team in the AFCS to begin with. Colts are making smart moves but Anthony Richardson isn’t gonna blow it up in week 1 of his rookie year out of nowhere.
If the Colts win, I will draw the Colts hanging a banner that says “surprised the Jaguars in week 1”

Two questionable offenses led by questionable quarterbacks versus two good defenses anchored by the stud younger brother of another defensive superstar. This has all the makings of a shitty slugfest, so the Steelers will somehow win 41-38 and everyone will overreact to the 49ers loss.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Nick Bosa eating Kenny Pickett

I low-key think the Saints are going to be a top draft-pick contender. They got Derek Carr, who is decent enough to elevate a team to forgettable, but Dennis Allen sucks and I think we won’t notice the Saints are a pile of garbage losing every game by 10 points until like week 9 when we collectively realize they are 1-8 when writers have to start putting out coach hot seat watches.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car running El Tractorcito off the road

Good lord this could be bad. We finally get to see if Sean Payton can save Russ from himself. I have many doubts. I think Russ got by in Seattle by being an incredible out-of-pocket improviser and in the last two seasons has lost that touch. He’s not as mobile, he’s not as slippery, and he’s not as accurate. Without his uncanny ability to scramble and throw a pinpoint bomb at any given second, he’s just a short-stack QB with poor decision-making. However…they are playing the fucking Raiders, led by Josh McDaniels, quarterbacked by Handsome “nothing in his head” Jimmy. Broncos are gonna win and Denver fans will get hype only for that to crash in week 2.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jimmy Garoppolo as a blackjack dealer

I expect the Eagles to regress somewhat this season and they likely have more trouble with this game than they should. However, they still win it. Mac Jones is poopy.
If the Patriots win, I will draw a shirtless Mac Jones climbing a lamp post

Was Geno a fluke last year? I think both yes and no. He’s definitely still a good QB but I’m not sure the Hawks will surprise us as much and they might struggle more. However the Rams might be shit again. Stafford is coming off a major injury and is old now. Donald has flirted with retirement like 5 times. Cupp has no hamstring. The rest of the team is a bunch of nobodies thanks to the all-in moves for the chip coming home to roost. Seahawks win.
If the Rams win, I will draw Aaron Donald as a Dodge Ram

God I love a matchup between two high-powered offenses on teams that perpetually underachieve their talent levels. This could be the game of the week. I guess I’ll go Chargers since they are at “home”
If the Dolphins win, I will draw happy Tua flipping the breaker and cutting Justin Herbert’s power off

A lot of excitement around Justin Fields this offseason. There are reasons to be optimistic in the Bears. I keep having this gut feeling they will suck major ass though, Fields will still not be a threat throwing the ball, and he gets hurt if he keeps running it the way they did last year. The Packers are a complete wildcard with Love, but I think they win this game and everyone gets hype about Love regardless of whether he ends up being good or not.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields burning down a meat-packing plant

The annual SNF matchup of New York vs Dallas. No wonder the rest of the league hates us. I’m so tired of this shit. As much as I want the Giants to be good, I think the Cowboys are better and win this one on the way to a division title. I just want the game to be good and for Jones to take steps forward even if we lose.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones flicking off the haters

Maybe for the first time in my entire lifetime, this matchup is hype. I think the Jets do it, and the takes are fucking insufferable. I think Buffalo is due for a surprising downtrend this year (still good, but not the major threat they were before), and the Jets have the oomph.
If the Bills win, I will draw young buck Josh Allen hurdling Aaron Rodgers into an early grave

If neither team wins, I will draw both QBs being fired into the sun