WE SURVIVED
WE’RE BACK!
First, quick announcement. As I did last year, I will be posting all the unseen cartoon bets from the upcoming season on my Patreon. This year, however, things will be stepped up. I plan on doing every picture. Completed. No sketches, but finished. I will only post the incorrect bets on socials/this page as usual, but any Patron gets to see the rest of them regardless of result. So if you ever regret that we didn’t get certain cartoons, this is your opportunity to live in a world where it happened. Outside ties, of course. I’m not drawing those unless it happens because you can’t predict those and you especially can’t predict which teams will be involved
$1 a month will get you access to see the unseen bets and all other posts! 5$ gets you Discord access, and 10$ or more gets you a picture every month should you want one.
With that out of the way, let’s predict some games!
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BETS FOR WEEK 1
WED – PATRIOTS @ SEAHAWKS
A Super Bowl rematch is an interesting choice to start the season. I have to imagine New England comes better prepared and with a few new tricks so the upset is not out of the realm of possibility, but I am obviously picking Seattle.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Jedi Master Maye destroying the Dark Side defense
TNF – 49ERS @ RAMS (in Melbourne)
If the 49ers were capable of being entirely healthy, this game might have been more fun. As it stands, I expect the Rams to win comfortably and for George Kittle to get killed by a blue-ringed octopus in the 3rd quarter.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Kyle Shanahan burning the Rams pre-emptive 2026 Super Bowl winner banner
BUCS @ BENGALS
My prediction for the Bucs this season is that they spin violently around the toilet bowl for a few weeks before the suction slurps them into the sewer, so I guess Bengals.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Joe Burrow as the GTA:SA “Here we go again” meme after starting poorly
SAINTS @ LIONS
On paper the Lions should easily cruise through this and I expect them to. But keep an eye on this one, I think we’ve got a good candidate for “nonsensical week 1 win” here.
If the Saints win, I will draw Tyler Shoughing some wins
JETS @ TITANS
How did we end up with a goddamn toilet bowl game matchup already? The Titans are probably the better of the bottom feeders here and are on an upward trajectory, plus Robert Saleh is probably going to enjoy getting some revenge on his messy old ex.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Glenn having a Seed Oil victory pool party
RAVENS @ COLTS
I don’t think the Colts are going to come out swinging on us this year like they did last year, though it would be funny.
If the Colts win, I will draw Indiana Jones out-juking Lamar Jackson
FALCONS @ STEELERS
Tua got the start because Penix is still limp. New-look McCarthy Steelers will probably have a nice time.
If the Falcons win, I will draw the Falcon taking a dump on Rodgers
BEARS @ PANTHERS
Another great candidate for week 1 fuckery. Will have to go with da Bears.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young wearing a bear trap hat
BROWNS @ JAGUARS
Deshaun Watson has never lost to the Jaguars. All bad things must come to an end.
If the Browns win, I will draw [Everybody disliked that]
BILLS @ TEXANS
Now this is what we call quality football. Moose against the Houston Meat Grinder. Can’t wait for this to end up like 45-7 somehow and be entirely unwatchable. I’m going Texans, by the way.
If the Bills win, I will draw Moose karate-punching a hole through a steer
DOLPHINS @ RAIDERS
TWO TOILET BOWLS IN WEEK 1?! I think the Raiders are going to win.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Jeff Hafley, a haircut you can set your watch to
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
I am very interested to see what Kyler Murray looks like under center but I don’t trust the Vikings yet.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kyler eating some cheese that he safely got off a mousetrap
COMMIES @ EAGLES
Commies bad. Eagles good. Sometimes it’s simple.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels eating a 5 dollar footlong Sirianni cheesesteak
CARDINALS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers are like weeping angels: they love to win when we aren’t looking. Who would even want to watch this game? It’s going to be a bloodbath.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Jacoby Brissett cooking Jim Harbaugh
SNF – COWBOYS @ GIANTS
This stupid primetime week one shit against the Cowboys always goes bad for New York and I am not looking forward to the newest way we embarrass ourselves on national television.
If the Giants win, I will draw Rowdy being taken to the blue medical tent
MNF – BRONCOS @ CHIEFS
Man I would absolutely love to see the Broncos come out of this with a satisfying stomp and immediately put KC on the backfoot. I’m going to pick with my heart.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Bo Nix as the Life of a Showboy
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs kicking each other in the dick as a yin yang symbol
Discussion ¬