Jed York Gets His Substation Off
Every once in a while a headline will come across your eyes that causes a kind of mental fuse-blowing. You read it, you read it again, you read it multiple times more, all while a little guy in your head is panicking and flipping different switches on the breaker until you finally register what you’ve read.
Monday Morning’s “49ers Owner Jed York Arrested In Attempt To Solicit Sex in East Palestine, Ohio” was my most recent fuse blowing. Of all the things I expected to read that day while taking a lovely morning dump, that was not one of them.
My very first thought: lmao Jim Harbaugh must be laughing his ass off right now.
My second thought: holy shit, Robert Kraft was outdone!
My third thought: Wait…East Palestine Ohio? The train derailment chemical cloud of death town? The owner of the 49ers got busted trying to pay for sex in the fucking chemical death cloud town in bumfuck county Ohio? Shortly after that, it was revealed he was nabbed in a trailer park, which would proceed to blow my second fuse of the day.
Several things would proceed to paint a more sensible picture. 49ers owner and noted child (according to a certain Harbaugh) grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, just a bit north of East Palestine. That explains why it was in Eastern Ohio of all places. Although this dude owns a California football team. He can afford California. Why go back to Ohio? Well, it turns out York filed for divorce in May of this year. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
You know, I like to call Billionaires monsters and evil, inhuman. Maybe I will rescind that. A recent middle-aged divorcee getting caught paying for sex in a trailer park near his hometown is…extremely relatable to a lot of non-billionaires. Jed York! He might be worth more money than you will ever see, but he’s secretly just like your uncle Billy.
Before we laugh some more, apologies to the trailer park. The Wheat Hill Mobile Home Community made it clear on their facebook page that Jed York was simply pulled over there, not actually trying to obtain his sex in the community. Probably. Please do not take this as a hint as to where you can get some good sex.
It’s also come to light that York was the subject of a sting operation. He was trying to get sex that never existed. He had multiple opportunities to pull out, so to speak.
I cannot stop laughing. My favorite part of the story was the phrase “Criminal Tools”, which was something Jed York was charged with possessing. This was explained to me to mean any sort of object used to perpetrate a crime, from a gun, to a lockpick, to the cell phone York used to pay for his non-existent sex. It just reminded me of an old infamous Far Side strip. You know the one. I remade it.
So Robert Kraft liked to get his crank yanked at a strip mall massage parlor in Tampa. He has somehow managed to elevate his reputation as a man of more class than Jed York. Kraft got a handy from the lady of a reputable business. York got arrested trying to get $140 sex in nowhere Ohio. This is why the Patriots won 6 Super Bowls and why the 49ers keep crashing into a wall, or in Shanahan’s case, other cars.
Make fun of him forever for this one, folks. He deserves it. You may never be an NFL owner, but god willing you will also never be arrested for paying for a hooker in Chemical Spill, Ohio.
Honestly, I’m torn between “lol fuck him he’s a piece of shit owner” and “…the way we deal with sex work in the USA oddly tends to create more problems than it actually solves. Obviously the human trafficking angle is pure evil and we need to sort that out, but heavily stigmatizing and legislating against any form of sex work is probably just making everything worse”.
Probably just ends up with me in my usual “I’ve got plenty of unequivocal reasons to hate that piece of shit, I don’t need this questionable one” place. >_>
Prohibition of things people want always, ALWAYS creates a black market that makes things worse. except for cops and the cop-adjacent.
Billionaire NFL team owners (almost but not quite a redundant statement) stay billionaires by paying as little as possible for everyone and everything that doesn’t make them money. That includes getting their pipes cleaned out. One of the MANY reasons I’m not a billionaire (and never been arrested, either) is that life is too short to drink cheap, nasty beer, wine, or vodka.
Lol, figure you would be on this one the moment news came out. I wonder if we’ll get an owner busted for using Satanic ritual to get rid of his wife.
There are definitely some who are thinking about doing that.
Ha ha Chemical tools. Well done.
Criminal Tools is some of your finest work. Kudos!
Agreed. That and “one sex, please,” bring today up to gold status.
“You may never be an NFL owner” wow, you’re just assuming that nobody who reads this comic lives in Green Bay?
I would never assume a Packers owner is sober enough to read
The rest of the NFC North approves of this insult.
Listen, my vision board for the next 5 years has the following:
– Doomsday is amazing but not quite Endgame which is okay because it’s probably better compared to Infinity War given the forthcoming Secret Wars, right?
– Own the Dallas Cowboys
– Own a Cowboys-blue Dodge Viper with the Star on it of course
– Play GTA 6
Are you telling me that I’ll never be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and just grind at it for a (rolling) 5 years and (eventually) own the Dallas Cowboys? That’s not very America’s Dream™ of you, Dave 🙁
Maybe Hank Scorpio will gift you the Denver Broncos.
So, the whole situation is crazy, but I’m just astounded that there’s another high-profile football person from Youngstown. Bill and Pat Narduzzi, Bo and Carl Pelini, a handful of Stoops, Eric Wolford, Tim Beck, and now 49ers owner Jed York
The Far Side remake is the cherry on top of this whole saga.
Love the Far Side tribute
The fact his lawyers got the cased closed to plead no contest before media got ahold of it shows the privilege though. I say give Eddie the team back!
The hilarity of this will never be lost on me. Maybe Jed’s logic was that this was in such a backwater, low-profile part of town that absolutely nobody would make the connection?
I had heard it happened in Ohio, but I hadn’t heard the city, that’s hilarious
I will never understand people. I would assume that York could just say, “Hey, I own the 49ers. Would any supermodels like to come have sex with me?” And a ton of women would immediately drive over to his place.
Why do some otherwise very conservative people like to cross-dress and strangle themselves while masturbating in order to get off? (not the political form of ‘conservative’, although if it were the political kind, I bet they’d be happier). I’d wager the danger was just too exciting.
Stay awhile and listen. When I was a child, we had one cat. My older sister and I would fight over who got to keep it in their room each night. And if I woke up and the cat wasn’t there, I would sneak into my sister’s room while she was sleeping, grab the cat, then sneak back to my room. This often involved 20 minutes of slowly crawling across the floor on my belly, hiding behind the dresser… etc.
I got a pretty heavy rush of dopamine on a successful mission, even though if she woke up she’d scream and dig her claws into my hands. My sister, that is. The cat was content being snuck in and out of rooms. It’s also why I’m not a career thief today.
Anyway, so yea, apparently Jed York agrees that a pussycat is worth that kind of effort.
This is the worst thing to happen to East Palestine.
Welp, I can’t comment with this name anymore lmao