The Draw Play

Every once in a while a headline will come across your eyes that causes a kind of mental fuse-blowing. You read it, you read it again, you read it multiple times more, all while a little guy in your head is panicking and flipping different switches on the breaker until you finally register what you’ve read.

Monday Morning’s “49ers Owner Jed York Arrested In Attempt To Solicit Sex in East Palestine, Ohio” was my most recent fuse blowing. Of all the things I expected to read that day while taking a lovely morning dump, that was not one of them.

My very first thought: lmao Jim Harbaugh must be laughing his ass off right now.

My second thought: holy shit, Robert Kraft was outdone!

My third thought: Wait…East Palestine Ohio? The train derailment chemical cloud of death town? The owner of the 49ers got busted trying to pay for sex in the fucking chemical death cloud town in bumfuck county Ohio? Shortly after that, it was revealed he was nabbed in a trailer park, which would proceed to blow my second fuse of the day.

Several things would proceed to paint a more sensible picture. 49ers owner and noted child (according to a certain Harbaugh) grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, just a bit north of East Palestine. That explains why it was in Eastern Ohio of all places. Although this dude owns a California football team. He can afford California. Why go back to Ohio? Well, it turns out York filed for divorce in May of this year. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

You know, I like to call Billionaires monsters and evil, inhuman. Maybe I will rescind that. A recent middle-aged divorcee getting caught paying for sex in a trailer park near his hometown is…extremely relatable to a lot of non-billionaires. Jed York! He might be worth more money than you will ever see, but he’s secretly just like your uncle Billy.

Before we laugh some more, apologies to the trailer park. The Wheat Hill Mobile Home Community made it clear on their facebook page that Jed York was simply pulled over there, not actually trying to obtain his sex in the community. Probably. Please do not take this as a hint as to where you can get some good sex.

It’s also come to light that York was the subject of a sting operation. He was trying to get sex that never existed. He had multiple opportunities to pull out, so to speak.

I cannot stop laughing. My favorite part of the story was the phrase “Criminal Tools”, which was something Jed York was charged with possessing. This was explained to me to mean any sort of object used to perpetrate a crime, from a gun, to a lockpick, to the cell phone York used to pay for his non-existent sex. It just reminded me of an old infamous Far Side strip. You know the one. I remade it.

So Robert Kraft liked to get his crank yanked at a strip mall massage parlor in Tampa. He has somehow managed to elevate his reputation as a man of more class than Jed York. Kraft got a handy from the lady of a reputable business. York got arrested trying to get $140 sex in nowhere Ohio. This is why the Patriots won 6 Super Bowls and why the 49ers keep crashing into a wall, or in Shanahan’s case, other cars.

Make fun of him forever for this one, folks. He deserves it. You may never be an NFL owner, but god willing you will also never be arrested for paying for a hooker in Chemical Spill, Ohio.