General Manager John Lynch, huh? John Lynch? Okay then!

Is there any more proof that the 49ers are a dysfunctional trash fire franchise that jumps into dumpsters full of AIDS heroin needles and various stages of vomit and feces and then sets itself on fire and demands the loyal fanbase trust it?

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh, but seriously, what the fuck are the 49ers? What are they? What do they want to be? What is this? John Lynch? Lets run down John Lynch as a hire for all you youngin’s out there who have only really started to get into football in the past decade. Who is John Lynch?

John Lynch was a strong saftey and not quite yet Hall of Famer (He’s a good candidate for a “oh well let’s just let him in after a while” slot in like, 2021). He was incredible on the Bucs and won a Super Bowl on that team. He was probably the last great White Guy DB Thumper man we had before Harrison Smith showed up. He was known for hitting like a truck, a turn of the century Kam Chancellor. He has a real big chin and an unfortunate hairline. After his time on the Bucs, he spent a few years on the Broncos, then retired and joined FOX as a color commentator for games where he has been since. You might know him as completely non-descript worthless D-Team guy who says things like “I like this guy, he plays really hard” and adds about as much color to the game as a white styrofoam cup. He’s not bad, he’s inoffensive and completely insightful, which means your dad probably likes him because he enjoyed hitting people.

He has zero team management experience.

He has no experience in coaching. He has no experience in organizing a scout team, or managing contracts, or running an organization. He’s a former player who will probably develop brain damage for hitting so many people and has now been given a 6 year contract to run the 49ers organization by possible the most craptastic owner in football. If you have any faith in the 49ers at this point, I want some of what you’re smoking because holy shit how have you managed to stay positive after what you’ve seen happen in the past 3 years? Are You brain damaged?

Now I’m not saying John Lynch can’t work out and turn into a great GM, I’m just remarking at how utterly terrible this move looks as of this moment. One of the few rationalization points to hiring a complete unknown like Lynch is just that: He’s a complete unknown. But that’s about the only argument on his side right now, outside obvious comparisons to John Elway.

So let’s actually compare him to John Elway. They are both named John. They both went to Stanford. They were both good at the footballs. They are both white dudes. Both of them played for the Broncos at some point. That’s it!

Elway is not as similar a case to Lynch as I think the hopeful want him to be. Elway was a beloved figure in Denver who spent his entire career there, Lynch has no ties to the 49ers outside that he went to college nearby. Elway was not given the GM job immediately. He actually said “I’m not interested in being a head coach. I’m not interested in being a general manager. I don’t have that kind of experience to be able to pick those players day in and day out and such.” He was given that weird title of “Vice President of Football operations” job that people sometimes get when an organization wants them involved but not in a usual way. It’s typically reserved for old coaches (See Coughlin on the Jags now). It’s similar to a GM, but it’s not a GM. He took over the GM job a year later and has proven to be a rather good GM, wooing Peyton and getting a Super Bowl out of his final years.

I would also like to point out that if you read Elway’s Wiki page that I linked earlier, he had experience coming to the Broncos. He spent years as a co-owner of the Colorado Crush, an Arena Football team, so he had experience running a football team. He owns car dealerships and restaurants, which gives him solid business experience. Lastly, John Elway played QB, the one position on any football team that actually does sometimes get a say with GMs and coaches on who to bring in, especially when you are the kind of longtime foundation type of player Elway was. So Elway being a success in Denver kind of makes sense. The guy is a smart, successful man, and I hate him for his successful horse face.

John Lynch played safety for two different teams not named the 49ers and then talked harmlessly in a booth for 8 years.

I don’t care if Kyle Shanahan supposedly wanted him. This seems like a terrible hire by a noted terrible owner for the next chapter in “Fuck the 49er Faithful” book he’s writing.