Two weeks ago I watched what should go down as one of the great bad calls in NFL history. It isn’t as bad as the Swinging Gate play, or worse, the Colts Fake Punt, but it should be in the top ten, at least for what I remember. The Giants, losing 3-0 to Washington in the 2nd quarter, call a QB sneak on 3rd and nine from their own 4-yard line. To “give some more space for the punter”. It may not be the worst call in NFL history, but it might be the most cowardly. Running a QB sneak to set up your own punter with an extra yard of space. It speaks a lot to the problems Joe Judge had as a head coach and without a doubt contributed to the cacophony of criticism that had recently built up and likely got him fired. Your team is an absolute pile of shit, barely losing with lots of time left in the game, and you go for this? Why are you not out there trying to win, going all out, instead of calling the most give-up play possibly ever called?

I did not expect to see a play one week later that genuinely challenged the QB sneak for stupidity, and in some ways probably surpasses it. It wasn’t cowardly like the QB sneak was, but it also featured significantly higher stakes and was situationally possibly even dumber. The QB sneak, for as cowardly as it was…actually accomplished its goal? It gave the punter a bit more room without having to fear the rush as much from the endzone. In its own twisted, cowardly logic, the Sneak worked. The QB Draw performed by Dallas in the remaining 14 seconds of the wildcard matchup with the 49ers ended their entire season and sent Texans home in tears.

Dallas was going to win that game. I could feel it in my bones. The 49ers could not put them away and Dallas, after playing like dipshits for 3 quarters, finally found something and started coming back. The Refs gave them several extra seconds for that final drive after how they adjusted the clock when the 49ers didn’t convert that 3rd down and had to punt. They moved the ball 40 yards in three plays and took almost no time off the clock. The chances the Cowboys could pull off the win wasn’t high, but it was there, and you could feel it. The 49ers were stumbling so hard. For all the mistakes, penalties, and game mismanagement, Dallas had 14 seconds to try and make none of it matter. 14 seconds is roughly 3 quick plays, 2 slightly longer plays. They had enough chance to chuck a quick out route and then go for 2 endzone bombs. The worst thing that could happen at this moment, for the Cowboys, was being tackled in-bounds. I heard Tony Romo say it on the broadcast. I said it to my friend that I was watching the game with. If they get tackled in bounds, they might run out of time.


With the playoffs and a 12-5 season, the best in recent memory, on the line, they call a play that guarantees a tackle in bounds. Dak didn’t even run for the sideline, which might have worked. He ran 17 yards on a play where he should have given himself up as soon as seemed reasonable to preserve the clock. Then, instead of handing the ball to the official like you are supposed to do, they tried to set the ball themselves and accidentally boxed out the umpire who was running as fast as he could to set it. The play itself took 7 seconds off the clock and the ensuing nonsense trying to get set up cost the remaining 7. Complete buffoonery. All of this so they would have a slightly easier attempt at the endzone. When the ref came out shortly after the spike and simply said “The Game Is Over” I practically burst my spleen laughing so hard.

Dallas gave us true chaos that afternoon. NFCE Clownball at its finest. Dallas enters the offseason as absolute clowns instead of being hailed as any sort of good team. They were one! You don’t win 12 games as a bad team. Even fraud teams have to be kinda good to trick people. They played sloppy, undisciplined football all game and ended with a team record 14 penalties. Bad playcalling and poor play from the offense killed them even more. Hell, even Jerry’s own hubris caused the Cowboys to suffer when one of the players was blinded by the sunrays coming in from the giant windows. Windows that have curtains on them! They could have prevented that! It wasn’t even the only time during the game Jerry’s Football Palace fucked up the experience, as the Cowboys punter smacked the low-hanging jumbotron and forced a new kick.

But despite all of that, the Cowboys had a chance to win, and they called a play practically designed to run the clock in a situation where every single second was precious. Don’t listen to any of these clowns like McCarthy and Dak trying to blame the refs for this. 14 penalties are not 14 bad calls. Your own stupidity caused you to run out of time, that umpire hustled his ass off to reach you and you dumbasses blocked him from reaching the ball, and you forced him to fix the spot. This is on you. Enjoy the offseason, fuckos. Hope Dak can’t get any sleep on his fancy sleep number bed.

The fact that the Cowboys season ended due to a Draw Play is now my favorite fact of the year and I will take full credit despite deserving none of it.