If you’d like a calm, reasonable breakdown on why the Rams new uniforms are bad, I would direct you to the best authority on the subject: Uniwatch. They always have a good breakdown, and if you don’t like curse words and extreme impotent internet fury, I suggest you read that instead of what is coming down below.


They say if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all. Okay. In the interest of fairness, I’ll state the things I’m okay with in the Rams new uniform. I think the helmet looks pretty decent. I like the sharp bright colors on the shiny helmet. The segmented Rams horn is not as good as the solid horn with the deeper curl, but the colors seem fine to me and it looks alright. On a better uniform, these might be worth complaining about. On this uniform, they are the highlight!

Okay fuck that these dumpsters can eat my shit.

When the Falcons uniform came out, I found myself opposing the common opinion and saying they looked alright. I called for more modern uniform elements and I frequently will go to bat for the more outlandish and weird decisions Nike/the teams make. I proudly stand against most fans who instinctively hate change and don’t want anything new or interesting. Those “classic” looks weren’t always classic. You have to switch things up and try new ideas to create what might become a new classic. Many of these ideas will age poorly. Some we will never know how we lived without. I want new ideas and I will support these weird concepts even if I don’t like them. So after that, with these dingleberrys sitting in front of me like a tv dinner made of dead birds and cow pies, I feel immense regret and shame for wanting this.

I like gradients and don’t want to hate on them! But then I get this! Look at those numbers and tell me they wouldn’t look better as solid yellow or even solid white. The numbers also have a faint reflective design to them that you can’t see unless you zoom in. I love design elements I can’t see from proper social distancing measures. The font isn’t awful and the reflective streaks aren’t noticeable. The gradient sucks ass harder than my freshly cleaned vacuum slurping up dog hair in the hallway.

Why do they have tags on the collar? You know what, they are small, they show the dumb new logo but okay. It’s stupid, but okay. Fine. Overall, the blue home look (especially with the yellow pants) isn’t a flaming pile of dead flamingos. Maybe…that’s because they are just a poor man’s version of the far superior Chargers alt jersey. The Chargers uniform is just better. The colors are better. The font is better. The only thing on the Rams version that is better is the helmet, which was already one of the best in the league and still suffered a downgrade... Great fucking job making the two LA teams pretty much have the same look. The team no one watches gets the better uniform. The team paying Jared Goff a billion dollars gets a 12 year old’s “create a uniform” in Madden.

But the real issue with this new look? It isn’t the home uniform combos. If it was, this would just be another below average revamp that will get fixed in a few years like the Bucs. The real corn in this proverbial squishy ass blast is the away uniform.

It is like they had every idea in the world, then removed all the good ones, threw the rest on a pile, peed on it, then set it on fire, then went on lunch break, and all of this took place in Gary Indiana. It takes a lot to make me want to not cheat at these comics. These comics are my favorite because I can just steal the same 3 panels, change the text a bit, and make one easy panel, and everyone looks forward to it. This away uniform is such trash that not only did I redraw the entire background for modern HD, I even took away the two heroes to replace them with a monkey with visible testicles throwing shit at a screen because even my delightful bumbling designers are better than this.

What the fuck? What the fuck is all of (gestures at everything)?

Bone! Not white, but BONE. Why? Because Rams horns are bones, so let’s use the color of BONE. On the helmet horns? No. On any visible horns on the uniform? No. BONE. You want to make your away jersey look slightly dirty? Fine. Bone could work. Against a green field at a broadcast distance, it probably won’t be all that offensive. But then…WHY HAVE GENUINE PATCHES AND STRIPES OF REAL WHITE ON THE SAME UNIFORM? WHY BOTHER HAVING WHITE STRIPES ON YOUR SLIGHTLY LESS WHITE PANTS?


WHY DOES THE AWAY UNIFORM HAVE SHOULDER NUMBERS BUT THE HOME UNIFORM DOESN’T? PICK A SIDE. I don’t like shoulder numbers. I never draw them in the comics because they feel redundant. The lack of them on the home jersey makes it better. The presence of them on the away jerseys feels inconsistent with the home, but it isn’t awful. Know what is awful? instead of using a horn on the shoulder like the home jersey, they use a super thin yellow stripe that I will henceforth call the pee stream running under the numbers. Why? Who the fuck knows.

WHY DOES IT GO UNDER THE NUMBERS? WHY IS IT SO SKINNY AND THIN? IT LOOKS LIKE A STREAM OF PEE. You want to know the stupidest part? You won’t be able to see it on TV, because yellow and white are two colors that do not feature enough contrast between them (especially not the bright yellow they are using here). Out of every primary and secondary color, yellow is by far the closest in tone to white. Without a third, darker color in there to offer some visual contrast, the two of them blend together very easily. This could be helped by a proper balance between the two colors. What does this uniform do? No balance. The urine stream of yellow running down the shoulder is a centimeter wide, meaning that you won’t even see it at a distance. Meaning…what is the fucking point? If you want shoulder decals to stand out, they have to be visible on TV! This won’t be! It’ll look slightly off, like yellow snow, if you can even notice it. Why not just make the yellow be an outline over the blue numbers? Why not make blue horns around the shoulder? WHY A PEE STREAM UNDER THE NUMBERS?

But as laughably bad as the pee stream is, it still isn’t the thing I hate the most. That would be the nametag patch.


The blue one, outside the yellow thread (WE’LL GET TO THAT) isn’t that bad. Some people have theorized that it is a placeholder for advertisements. Maybe the Rams method is to make a tag so stupid that a Verizon logo would be an improvement. The Rams already blew it throwing their logo on a stupid collar tag, so now they have to put words instead. RAMS works. LOS ANGELES RAMS? Too many words. Especially when it is on a PURE WHITE tag on top of a BONE jersey, making the tag stand out more. For no reason. To make the BONE jersey look dirtier I guess.

But then the thread on the top right side. I’m just going to quote Uniwatch on this hilarious thought process.

I asked the team about the yellow zigzag stitching along the top edge of both patches and was told the following: “This is a unique design feature that we are excited to introduce. This stitching above the patch is the same stitch used throughout our jerseys — it’s a feature we could potentially use across other merchandise going forward.” An article posted yesterday on The Athletic (paywalled) added this: “The zig-zagging ‘signature stitch’ was inspired by some fashion designers’ iconic ‘mark’ on the clothing they create.” Oooookay.

The Rams new signature style element is making it look like they fucked up the patch and had to sew it back on using the wrong color thread.

Seriously. Their signature style element looks like what happens if my dog rips a part of my clothes and when I go to fix it, I only had the wrong thread color. You don’t want a signature design element that looks like the uniform equivalent of a person who fixed their broken car headlight by duct taping over the hole. You can’t even put the yellow thread pattern around the whole patch? Then it would at least have symmetry and look purposeful, instead of like you were bored and fiddling with your uniform until you accidentally started ripping off the decal and panic fixed it. There is nothing the team can say that makes this element look like anything but a fuckup. The only saving grace is how small and minor it is, so you won’t see it on TV. Probably. The blue jersey makes it pretty visible.

These are far and away my pick for the worst away uniforms in the league. I’m torn on if I want to lump the home jerseys that low too, and overall they might be my least favorite look, but the helmet is still slick enough to save it. What amazes me about the away uniform is not only is it full of bold and terrible new choices, but they still coagulate into a surprisingly boring whole. Everything garbage about the away uniforms is subtle to the point where at a distance, they are just dull off-white. They look dull and bad from afar, they look ghastly stupid up close. It’s rare to pull off the double fashion kill, but they did it. Bravo, Rams. You fucked it up. You threw poop at the fan and called it a day.

I’ve defended Nike’s choices before, and I’ll probably defend them after this. But these are the uniform equivalent of Todd Gurley’s knee.

I can’t wait till we get the good uniforms back in 3 years.