CARTOON PIX WEEK SIX – The Jets Stand Alone Among Poop Mountain
Week Six is about that time every season when I realize we a third of the season is almost over and I feel old as the passage of time ramps up on me, leaving more and more wasted days in my wake. Life is misery. Anyway, football!
I feel like we do not talk enough about how bad Zac Taylor is as a coach. Every other bad coach gets a ton of flack. Even good coaches catch too much flack. But nobody talks about Zac Taylor, coach of the woeful Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals are garbage. They were complete trash last season to the point where they easily got the #1 pick. This year, with a chance to implement more changes and use one of the best prospects in years at QB, they still stink! I wouldn’t blame it on Burrow, who seems like he’s genuinely trying his best. The Bengals are just absolute trash but nobody seems to be wondering why. Like we’ve all just written them off. No! Fuck that! Zac Taylor is a garbage coach and deserves a lot of blame for how his team has performed. They had the Colts dead to rights this past weekend and choked horribly. Even with a general lack of talent do you have faith in the Bengals? Does this team feel well coached to any of you? No. Zac Taylor should not survive this offseason if the Bengals pick top 5 again.
I told ya’ll the Giants are better than the Jets. If I wasn’t such a pessimist I would have picked them to beat the Team, because even in these dark times the Team always manages to somehow shit themselves even worse. I feel like a fool for having any faith in the Team after week 1, but then again at that time I didn’t realize how bad the Eagles were. The Team will never succeed until Snyder sells them.
ANYWAY I was terrible this week so check out all the pictures I had to make!
(Space reserved for MNF)
PICKS FOR WEEK 7! As always, picks and drawings subject to change and your own suggestions. Also Covid, which we might have survived the first major outbreak.
GIANTS @ EAGLES
I am so sorry this game has to happen. We deserve better than this. Don’t watch this game. It won’t make you happy. The Eagles have been absolutely plodding garbage but they’ve found some late game surges these past two weeks seemingly out of nowhere. They took the Ravens to the wire. The Giants are not the Ravens. I expect the Giants defense to make this feel like a laugher early on, but the offense still can’t score for shit and the Eagles will overtake them in the second half because the Giants can’t control a clock and the D will get tired.
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge kicking the Liberty Bell
PANTHERS @ SAINTS
Well the Panthers got a bit exposed this weekend. My faith is shaken. Maybe the Panthers are merely…mediopurr. The Saints need to keep winning to hold off the Bucs and make Brees coming back worth it so why not pick the Saints.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Teddy Bridgewater stabbing Brees in the back
BILLS @ JETS
The Jets are a masterpiece of failure.
If the Jets win, I will draw a literal tank smashing a card table
BROWNS @ BENGALS
The Browns took a big L against the Steelers so the Browns hype could cool off a bit, but they should be given a great chance to stick with it and keep it rolling against this disaster team. It’s weird to think the Browns aren’t in panic mode yet.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Tiger Joe Burrow enjoying a nice plate of Skyline Chili
COWBOYS @ TEAM
The Cowboys are bad, but competent enough that they will win the division at 8-8 even with Dak out thanks to wins over teams like Team. The Team is just so woefully boned on offense. Smith looked incredibly rusty. Allen is terrible. Haskins doesn’t give a shit. McLaurin is good and….no one else. The Red rifle should be able to game manage the fuck out of this matchup.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Chase Young stuffing Andy Dalton further into a dumpster labeled NFC East. He is also in the dumpster, to be clear.
PACKERS @ TEXANS
The Texans are a feistier team without BoB dragging them into oblivion. Unfortunately, despite the recent showing against the Bucs, they aren’t good enough to beat the Packers.
If the Texans win, I will draw Walrus Romeo Crennel eating cheese
LIONS @ FALCONS
Two teams hellbent on letting you down. The Lions can definitely win this, and the Falcons already used up their “new coach bump” by embarrassing the Vikings. Fuck it. Go Lions.
If the Falcons win, I will draw thirst trap Matt Ryan
STEELERS @ TITANS
I had my doubts about the Titans but even after the Covid storm this team has continued to win. They have to hit a wall at some point though, and this is as good a Steelers team as any so far, so why not this time? If the Titans win this game I may never pick against them again.
If the Titans win, I will draw Ryan Tannehill doing Blue Steel
SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS
If the Cardinals want to be taken seriously as NFCW contenders, they need this. The 49ers are coming back from injury. The Rams might be fakers who snacked on the NFC East for cheap wins but it put them up early. The Seahawks are easily the team to beat, because even when they play like butt Russ can still pull a victory completely out of his ass. DK Metcalf rules.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray throwing Russ into the Grand Canyon
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
The Broncos defense is actually not too bad, but they still suck on offense and that just won’t win anything against Mahomes.
If the Broncos win, I will draw the old Denver horse sneezing logo but with Bojohn Elway as the horse
JAGUARS @ CHARGERS
I’m starting to wonder how the Jags beat the Colts in week 1. This is not a good team. On the other hand, the Chargers are better than their record would indicate, and watching Justin Herbert rip it has quickly turned him into the most fun rookie viewing this season.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Gardner Minshew Jaguar chilling in a palm tree with a coconut cocktail
49ERS @ PATRIOTS
The 49ers seem to be bouncing back from the early losses and injuries. The Patriots got lost in Covid hell for two weeks and then looked like rusty ass against the Broncos. If there was a time to pounce on the remains of this dynasty, this is the time to do it. However the 9ers are led by Jimmy Garoppolo, a man who was once Bill’s blood slave. Bill knows how to kill him. This is a big game that will likely be a major tone setter for each team’s season. If the Pats win, they are still in this and still a huge threat. If they don’t, maybe they are finally fading into memory.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Jimmy laughing at angry Bill Belichick
BUCS @ RAIDERS
The Raiders keep winning games I expect them to lose and losing games I expect them to win. I hate the Raiders. They’ve always been the team I get wrong the most. So I’m going with my gut here. I expect them to lose, so I’m picking them to win.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Tom Brady telling Jon Gruden to Tuck This
BEARS @ RAMS
The Bears defense is legit. They look like a bad team but they keep winning. Fucking Bears. The Rams are probably worse than their record. They got to sweep the entire NFCE in the first 5 weeks. That is stat padding.
If the Rams win, I will draw a Ram pooping on a deep dish pizza
I’m not going to run around and wave the victory flag, but yea, I saw through Riverboat Ron’s Renegade Rattlesnake Rub. Washington’s win over Philadelphia did not in any way shape or form feel like something magical coming together. It was just two protozoan blobs of ooze ozzing their dangly appendages all over themselves while Carson Wentz had a mental breakdown in real time. And if Dwayne Haskins played yesterday? Aw, man, final score mighta been 45-3.
My general philosophy is bad teams don’t get to remove their “BAD DOG” cone until they’ve shown legitimate *SUSTAINED* success. Even the very worst teams can have a spark in the right instance. Like, I don’t want to laugh at the Browns fans, because they ride a rollercoaster of pain and torment not even Jets fans could appreciate, but the last few weeks everyone has been writing them into a playoff spot, and they’re gonna get a playoff win, and this could be their year… yea. Nope. You still have Shitfield. You still have OBJ throwing tantrums. Until you have LITERALLY won a playoff game, you’re just a bad team getting a slightly worse draft pick this year.
Anyone who ever thought the Giants were worse than the Jets needs to watch the games. Barring the 9ers kerfluffle, the Giants have played hard and fought valiantly until they end in every outing – their lack of talent and experience (youngest team in the league) usually bites them in the rear. The Jets just don’t give a rats ass. The only reason Gase isn’t fired is because the Johnsons are too busy slurping on Trump’s rear end to be bothered to look at what’s happening in their stadium. That’s a recipe for 0-16. Poor poor Trevor. *HE* should start tanking for a better team. XD
I’m not sure why people thought Ron Rivera was going to fix what was wrong with the Redskins, and instill a culture of winning and accountability. Super Bowl winning head coach Mike Shanahan couldn’t get it done with a coaching staff that included his son, Sean McVay, and Matt Lafleur. Joe Gibbs pulled a miracle out of his butt getting the Redskins briefly back to respectability in his second stint before it all ultimately fell apart. It hasn’t been terrible coaching that has been holding the Football Team back…
I still believe that he could, but Washington was going to be a dumpster fire regardless of who was at coach. If we don’t start seeing meaningful progress next year though, then yeah. Regardless, Dan Snyder is the worst owner in sports.
I agree. I like Rivera, and I certainly think he’s capable of building something great – it’s just gonna take a miracle for him to complete the project before Daniel Snyder pisses all over it.
Dave and many others fell for one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only slightly less well known is this – never trust the results of a divisional game, ESPECIALLY when it’s week 1! And even less well known is never assume that what a qb does their rookie year is a determining factor in their future successes or failures! Hahahaha!
But seriously. If Snyder is forced to sell the team, I hope they win a Super Bowl the very next year. XD …and then never again after that.
If they could ever get their hands on a franchise QB, they might be at least able to fake it a little bit, but they have a record of QB blundering mediocrity second only to the Browns. The last QB they had start a majority of their games for more than 3 seasons was Mark Rypien, in 1993. In the 28 years since, THIRTY ONE different QBs have started for this franchise. Yowza.
I called it at the time and got flack for it: Ron Rivera is not a great coach.
He had Cam Newton as QB and still finished with like 79-67 record with the Panthers, and IIRC no consecutive winning seasons.
Add in the fact he’s actually getting cancer treatment right now (not his fault at all of course but it has to impede game planning and such right?) and you’d expect a mess.
If the Texans do win, could you also add in an Andy Reid welcoming him back into the Group of Walrus Head Coaches (GWHC)?
That actually sounds nice
Appropriately, a group of walruses is called a huddle. So WHCH?
I feel like the Giants and Eagles are both so bad that you should have a cartoon ready for either win. Maybe Carson Wentz giving Daniel Jones a trash heap swirlie. The tie would be both QBs drowning in the trash heap quicksand.
The Rams collapsed because of those godawful jerseys. Yep, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
For the Hawks @ Cards game, you should make it Kyler throwing Russ into the sand trap at a golf course.
I’m glad someone is talking about Herbert. I saw more pumping up Tua after two garbage time passes then I’ve seen about Herbert’s first 4 games
“Maybe the Panthers are merely…mediopurr.”
Just writing to let you know this physically injured me. Thanks for nothing.
If the Rams win, can you instead Aaron Donald strangling Nick Foles with his own looooooong member?
If the Rams win, can you instead draw Aaron Donald strangling Nick Foles with his own looooooong member?
GODDAMN IT I FORGOT THE DRAW
Bad news Dave, the Dolphins are sitting Fitzpatrick. Does that mean you have to retire Fitzdolphin?
If the Jets win you should draw a burning tank with jet-wings smashing a card table.
>I will draw a literal tank smashing a card table
Can you do this anyway? Theres gotta be a linemen somewhere named frank.
I now am a Bears fan for this week because this is something I don’t even want to see. EVER. Seriously, Dave? Give us some slack.
I wonder what Blue Steel is though. That’s pretty interesting.