I really wish I had been smart enough to come up with this format earlier in the season, but I guess I can look forward to doing it all next year with some improvements. As it stands, with the final weeks of the year winding down, the Chaos has slowed to a crawl as most situations are settled in. Most playoff teams are set, it’s just a matter of seeding for most teams.

Chaos wasn’t too much. But let’s recap the fun. The Eagles, who should have locked up the #1 seed this weekend against a mid Saints squad nobody gives a shit about…lost. The game made a good case for Jalen Hurts being MVP, as his presence has clearly mattered these past two weeks with Minshew in. The Eagles need his legs, and suddenly they now have to try against the Giants in week 17. The Packers are continuing to sneak into the picture by violating the Vikings. While the Packers doing this is certainly chaotic, I must admit I am deeply annoyed by the thought of having to watch Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs again. However, if the 49ers keep the second seed (which they currently own and play the woeful Cardinals next week), they will face the Packers in the wildcard. We could get Rodgers eliminated by SF for a 5th time in his career. This would make the Packers getting in entirely worth it.

The Commies made a switch to Wentz and it promptly went about as well as it did for the Colts last year. The Commies lost to a Browns team with nothing to play for and then got eliminated by the Packers winning. Add another wet fart to the Snyder Squad of failure. The Patriots snuck back into the picture by feeding on the Dolphins backups. Tua is going to die at this rate. The Jets got eliminated, the Lions got back on track, and the Bucs finally figured shit out. The shit they figured out was “Throw the ball to Mike Evans”. It works!

With the slim pickings again, I am forced to give a weak CHAOS OF THE WEEK to the Las Vegas Raiders. If you told me that a matchup between a 11 win, dominant 49ers squad led by Mr Irrelevant would get taken to the edge by Jarrett Stidham, I’d have told you “fuck yeah, Chaos baby”. The Raiders benched Carr (why we still aren’t sure) and started Stidham, and there was no reason to suspect this would be anything other than an ass-beating. The Raiders made a hell of a game of it and forced overtime. I appreciated that level of fight.

GIANTS CORNER: OH MY GOD WE DID IT. WE ACTUALLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS. All the Giants had to do was win this game to seal their fate, and they did it. They did it in the most dominating fashion of the entire year. Yes, the Colts are the football equivalent of that pile of debris you have in your backyard that you need to do something about but you have convinced yourself is “compost”, but a win is a win. Everything was on the line and for the first time all year the Giants didn’t make it a horrible nail-biter. They scored 30 points for the first time since 2020 and blew the Fightin’ Saturdays to hell. I’m…proud of my team. They can get exploded by the Eagles next week and sliced into a thousand pieces in the wildcard and I won’t care. This season is a victory. It is so wonderful to have the team be watchable again. Congrats to Landon Collins for coming home and essentially ending the game early with that Pick 6, congrats to Daniel Jones who has put up with such horrible coaching and now…kind of makes me happy. The crowd rooted for the man, and he deserved to have this moment. We’ll see what the future holds later.

By the way, since the Kayvon sack thing has become a talking point, here’s my take: I think it’s obvious he didn’t realize Foles was hurt but it was kinda classless to celebrate for as long as he did on the ground, and it’s an indictment on his teammates for not stopping him and telling him what happened, and it’s also a massive indictment that no Colts player seemed to give a shit and defend Foles. I think it was bad optics he needs to watch himself for, but nothing intentionally rude. I’m still not sure if he was fully aware of how badly Foles was hurt when he did the nighty night thing on the sideline, but that was worse if he did.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK: The Texans made some waves the previous weeks by putting up some fight. Against one of the only teams they’ve actually beaten this year, the Jaguars, they simply laid down and died instantly.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: The Commies, for the aforementioned reasons already stated. The Commanders controlled their destiny for the final playoff spot and got lucky enough to face a listless, aimless Browns squad with nothing to prove. For some reason, Rivera chose Wentz to start this game. The result? The Commanders are out of the playoffs. Massive self-own.

CHAOS WATCH: Obviously, keep your eyes on the Packers. The Lions/Packers matchup should be thrilling. But the fight for the NFC’s top seed is now genuinely intriguing. With this being week 18, it’s also a good time to keep tabs on which teams might fire everyone. The Cardinals are on fire. The Colts are a threat to blow it all up, the Broncos got a head start, and frankly, Ron Rivera might be gone too. Also whatever the Panthers end up doing. One last note: the Titans can upend everything by winning this weekend and stopping the skid.

PICS! Had a decent week. Sadly I hate it when the only games I get wrong are the pictures I wasn’t actually all that interested in doing, except the Geralt and Peach ones.

WEEK 18 PICKS! No themes, we’re going in raw for the final journey of the season.

Sometimes while walking my dog I stumble upon the corpse of a bird or squirrel lying on the ground, clearly fried by a powerline or something. I get the same sense of pity and disgust when I watch the Cardinals play football this season.
If the Cardinals somehow do this, I will draw a large Cardinal holding back Brock Purdy from grabbing the #1 seed

The Steelers and Browns are playing for nothing, unless the Steelers come back and win this game I am watching right now. Still, probably going Steelers. EDIT: The Steelers have something to play for.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as a Super Sayian obliterating Steely McBeam

This one has some important seeding on the line. Still, the Ravens feel fraudulent and the Bengals do not.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Edgar Allen Poe doing the Griddy

The Vikings will win this, by almost losing it
If the Bears win, I will draw that scene from The Revenant

This could have had stakes but the Commanders Wentz their pants. Instead, the best the Commies can do is spoil Dallas. They won’t.
If the Commies win, I will draw Dak being eaten alive by feral hogs

So, if the Packers win this game, they are in. If the Lions win this game, they also need Seattle to lose. That alone tells me the Lions are toast, because god hates the Lions.
If the Lions win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers getting blasted by Jared Goff in his Ford F-250

The Patriots can possibly win this, but unfortunately, the Bills are playing for a top seed and have about two decades worth of traumas to take out on this squad for years to come.
If the Patriots win, I will draw shirtless Mac Jones as a matador against a Buffalo

Seahawks have to win this, so I assume they will play hard. The Rams are massive potential spoilers here though, so watch out.
If the Rams win, I will draw Baker Mayfield piledriving the Space Needle

The Dolphins should have Tua back because they are going for a playoff spot, so he’s gonna start whether he should or not, because the Dolphins hate him.
If the Jets win, I will draw Mike White blasting a Dolphin to smithereens with a rocket from his jet

The Chiefs have spent the back half of this season playing with their food, making games that should not be competitive into tense affairs they actually come close to losing. This team is absolutely ripe for a playoff upset. I wouldn’t even be shocked if they lose this one somehow. Can’t pick against them though.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car driving off into the sunset, to greener pastures

Bucs found themselves just in time to make the worst division in football less interesting.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Desmond Riddler. I want this to happen dammit

The Eagles might be forced to play Hurts since the #1 seed is now in danger, but frankly even if they don’t, I think they are just going to run all over the Giants anyway. Thankfully it doesn’t matter and the Giants can rest if they want to.
If the Giants win, I will draw the statue of liberty, but Brian Daboll

Hey look, a game that doesn’t matter at all
If the Panthers win, I will draw Hey Darnold on the dance floor with a black version of the Pink Panther

Chargers: quietly healthy and fun!
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ riding Bluecifer

Remember when it was a yearly tradition to laugh at these two on a Thursday night matchup for worst team in the league? Times are weird now man. Jaguars take it.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry drinking the pool at Jaguars stadium

If the Colts win, I will draw Jeff Saturday, summiting shit mountain

Both QBs making out