This was not a chaotic week. We had a few chaotic games, a few chaotic results, but nothing really shook things up in the ways we here at The Draw Play really crave. But the week was not without it’s moments, so let’s highlight my favorites.

The Rams. A team starting their 3rd QB of the year, a castoff bust who has been in the building for 3 weeks. The team’s stars are all busted, injured, or dead. The team is eliminated from the playoffs already. They go and face the Broncos, and OBLITERATE THEM. For everything wrong with the Broncos this year, the defense was the one thing you could sort of count on. Not on Sunday. On Sunday they had enough. Baker Mayfield tore them to shreds and briefly reminded us why he was a first-overall pick. The loss was so embarassing that Nathaniel Hackett lost his job on boxing day. If only they could fire Russell Wilson.

The Dolphins stumbled, again, and mishandled Tua’s head, again. Tua is going to be braindead in a year at this rate. All 4 of the major competitors for the final 2 NFC wildcard spots (Commies, Giants, Lions, and Seahawks) all lost, keeping everything exactly how it was a week ago, save the Packers lurking closer and closer. The poor Raiders once again lost to the Steelers 50 years after the Immaculate Reception on late-game heroics. Sadly what should have been a celebration was instead a moment of remembrance. RIP Franco Harris.

The most notable shakeup of the week came as the Titans continued their plummet into tartarus as the Jaguars won again, officially taking over the division lead. The final game of the season is now the game for the division. Go Jaguars!

CHAOS OF THE WEEK: Slim pickings, but for me, this has to be the Bengals/Patriots game. For one-half, exactly what should have occurred did occur. The Bengals pummeled the Patriots and put them in a 22-point hole. Then the chaos gods decided they’ve been too cruel to the Patriots as of late and decided to throw them a bone. The Bengals went full Bungles and after some wild shenanigans (including what was basically a hail mary TD on a busted play that miraculously bounced into the hands of last week’s dumbass supreme: Jakobi Meyers) the game was suddenly 22-18, and the Patriots were inside the 10. Then the Chaos gods remembered “fuck the Patriots” and the Patriots fumbled and the Bengals won.

GIANTS CORNER: Was pleasantly surprised to see this game be as close as it was. I think the Giants even take it if their secondary isn’t so banged up and Jones had a legit #1 WR. It feels increasingly likely the Giants bring Jones back this offseason. I am mixed about it. I’m guessing they franchise Saquon and try to work out a short-term reasonable deal for Jones to keep him close. Since the Giants won’t be drafting very high, they aren’t in a position to replace him easily. I am very tired of losing games to 60+ yard field goals though, feels almost inevitable some kicker is going to set a personal best against the Giants to win the game every time it comes up these past few years. Since pretty much every other wildcard contender lost though, the damage was essentially neutral and now the Giants just need 1 win or a favorable scenario of losses to make the playoffs. If the Giants cannot beat the Colts next week, honestly maybe they don’t deserve the playoffs.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK: It feels like cheating to give the Bucs and Cardinals the award yet again so let’s go with the Browns. I was pleasantly surprised to see Deshaun Watson come back and play like he hasn’t played football in 2 years, because he hadn’t! I think I had internalized Watson would come back and instantly play like his Rapist brethren Big Ben, but Watson looks rusty and rough. Not to mention just watching him play feels kinda icky. The Browns had a perfectly mediocre season and got eliminated to zero fanfare by a Saints team that is even less fun to watch.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: Lions, what the fuck dudes? You had all the momentum. You had all the support. You had all the love. Apparently, you did not have any run defense. The Panthers were one of the most beatable teams in their late schedule and instead, the Lions remain on the outside of the bubble, looking less ferocious than they have in weeks. The hype died fast on this squad, and they might still make it!

CHAOS WATCH: The Packers, against all odds and human desire, are creeping into the picture. Gifted with a 1% chance to make the playoffs weeks ago, they now sit dangerously close to actually getting in. Everything that needed to happen in their favor this weekend did, nobody won except them. They sit at 7-8, even with the Lions and Seahawks, and half a game below the Commies and 1 and 1/2 behind the Giants. Their game with the Lions in week 18, shockingly, might be for the final playoff spot.

I had a modest week. I picked the Jets despite feeling like they’d lose, so that one is kinda a half-loss.


The Titans are so fucked.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Kratos

Don’t watch this game. Both teams are eliminated. Both teams are shit. Better luck next year.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Trace McSorley as Tom Nook

Wow! A game between the Patriots and Dolphins in December where the Dolphins are actually ahead and not just playing spoiler! Well, Tua is in concussion protocol, so this is actually a must-win for the Patriots if they want to make it.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua Croft, Tomb Raider

Funny story, if the Saints win, the Eagles lose a draft spot! Root for the Saints. They will not win.
If the Saints win, I will draw Andy Dalton as the boss of the 3rd street saints

Giants if you fuck this up
If the Colts win, I will draw Nick Foles as Sephiroth

Panthers owned the Bucs last time, so why not? Let’s make this interesting.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Tom Brady as Cranky Kong

CAN THE BRONCOS GET THE NEW COACH BUMP? Man that would be hilarious. But Russ sucks.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as Captian Olimar

Lions if you fuck this up
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Banjo

Commies have something to play for, and are also the better team.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as M. Bison

Jaguars should keep the hot streak going. But watch out for this one: the Texans are hot as of late and one of their two wins this season was already against the Jaguars. Thankfully for the Jags if they lose this one it won’t matter.
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills as Earthworm Jim

49ers are quietly maybe the best team in the NFC right now
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car as a Halo Warthog

Meaningful football for both teams in week 17, who’d have seen this coming? I’ll take Seattle, but this could go either way, especially with Mike White back.
If the Jets win, I will draw Mike White as the Fallout Pip Boy

Vikings. Please knock these bums out for good. I do not want to watch Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs anymore.
If the Packers win, I will draw Rodgers as Geralt of Rivia

The Chargers have more to play for, but these Rams might suddenly be fun?
If the Rams win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Duke Nukem

The Steelers are not eliminated yet, the Ravens are in, so the Steelers have more to play for here. But the Ravens won’t sit back and let their biggest rival do that very easily.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Kenny Pickett as Princess Peach

Bengals could pull the upset here, but they just suffered a major O-line injury and that bodes poorly.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Doomguy

Both QBs caught in a Katamari