CARTOON BETS WEEK 2 – Never Kick For Minnesota
WEEK 2 IN THE BOOKS! Let’s get to it. I did much better this week.
Derek Car is an early favorite for top 5 cartoon of the year
Week 2 was my best week last year, maybe I’m just good at not falling into the week 1 reactionary trap. So what have we learned in week 2?
-TEAM is supposed to have a killer defense, but it really hasn’t shown up yet.
-The Giants and the Jets are locked in an eternal struggle to be the worst team representing New York
-The new taunting rule is absolutely as horseshit as we feared it would be
-The Steelers still cannot help but play down to opponents. They weren’t even on the road this time!
-Jalen Hurts might be okay, but the Eagles are still very flawed
-The Chargers will always find a way to Chargers away a game. Though I will fault no one blaming the refs for that one. What a shit show. Probably the worst game of the week. Refball is an absolute disgusting slog to watch no matter who you are rooting for.
-The Saints are very much affected by sickness and injury, but the Panthers are better than anticipated.
-Derek Henry still rules
-Tua is dead, and maybe people were too eager to crown Brian Flores as a Belichick tree success story
-LolHawks
-Don’t count out the Packers yet
So let’s look ahead to week 3!
PANTHERS @ TEXANS
The Texans have put up better performances in the past two weeks than anyone would have expected. They are almost fun! The Panthers are the same. This game probably won’t tell us much about either team being “for real” yet, as the Texans have only beat The Jags and the Panthers beat the Jets and a hobbled Saints. This should be a Panthers win though. Hard to trust the Texans to be any sort of legit.
If the Texans win, I will draw the Kool Aid Man in Texans colors breaking through a wall
CHARGERS @ CHIEFS
The Chargers cannot be trusted. They put up a win against a TEAM that hasn’t looked particularly good so far. They put up a loss against a Dallas team that also isn’t particularly good. The Refs damaged them, but if they expect help in an away game in KC, they won’t get it here. Never trust the Chargers.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Boltman kicking the walrus
CARDINALS @ JAGUARS
Trevor honestly seems like he could be the guy if he wasn’t stuck on this team. He and Burrow worry me as tremendous talents that will never succeed thanks to being stuck on garbage franchises run by shitty coaches. The Cardinals are fun this year!
If the Jaguars win, I will draw a Jaguar cat presenting you with a dead cardinal, for your approval
BEARS @ BROWNS
The Browns have been very entertaining in two games so far. The offense remains pretty baller but the defense remains suspect. The Bears are the opposite. The offense remains suspect, the defense is still pretty good. However, Stefanski has experience calling games against the Bears and Dalton might be hurt/Fields not quite ready. Should be a good game, calling it for the Brownies.
If the Bears win, I will draw a large bear chilling in the Cuyahoga river, which is on fire
TEAM @ BILLS
The Bills came out after that first week disappointment and obliterated the Dolphins. If the TEAM wants to prove they are worth taking seriously, they need to at least put up a fight in this one, which I do not expect. Not in Buffalo.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw the Bills Mafia Don behind bars
COLTS @ TITANS
The Titans proved they aren’t willing to go quietly even though I have lost trust in them. The Colts gave the Rams a hell of a fight but Carson Wentz is once more damaged goods and I gotta roll with my boy King Henry.
If the Colts win, I will draw a horse pooping on Ryan Tannehill
SAINTS @ PATRIOTS
The Patriots are certainly not the death star anymore, but Mac Jones isn’t too bad and seems like the rookie QB to be most likely to show success this year thanks to his situation. The Saints should be the better team, but we saw against the Panthers how damaged they are right now.
If the Saints win, I will draw Sean Payton calmly chilling in front of the rubble of the death star
FALCONS @ GIANTS
The Falcons, for a very brief moment in time, looked okay against the Bucs. The Giants, for a very brief moment in time, looked okay against the TEAM. One of these two piles of trash is going to hurt their draft position this weekend. You know me, I can’t pick the Giants.
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge Judy
BENGALS @ STEELERS
The Bengals we expected came back out to play in week 2 after a surprising week 1 win. Even if the Steelers play poorly I’m not sure I could possibly trust the Bengals to win this.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow kicking a bottle of Heinz ketchup in the nuts
RAVENS @ LIONS
The Ravens managed to out-football the Chiefs and the Lions remain the Lions.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell eating Lamar Jackson’s kneecaps. I’m gonna make this bet until I get to draw it.
JETS @ BRONCOS
The Broncos don’t seem that good but wow are they cruising to 3-0 on the back of this garbage schedule. The Giants, then the Jaguars, now the Jets? This is horseshit. Get it? Also good for Teddy, he’s having a small moment.
If the Jets win, I will draw an F-22 carpet bombing a horse
DOLPHINS @ RAIDERS
The Raiders have already screwed me twice. They will always screw me. That said, I’m gonna pick them because they seem to be going for the “early season success to get your hopes up early” strategy of damaging their fans this year. Dolphins are kinda messy and Tua might be dead.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a dolphin tail-whipping Jon Gruden
BUCS @ RAMS
Hey, we got ourselves a game here! This one should be a blast to watch! Of course, Tom Brady just threw 5 TDs at the age of 67 and he looks better than ever so the heat death of the universe is more likely than me picking against Tom at this point
If the Rams win, I will draw California slapping Florida
SEAHAWKS @ VIKINGS
I tried to will the Vikings into victory by picking against them and hoping my curse would work, but it didn’t. The Vikings are still the Vikings. Seahawks fell apart this week but I can see this being a solid bounce-back game.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Prince rubbing his ass on a starbucks logo
PACKERS @ 49ERS
I don’t quite get the 49ers this season. They are 2-0 but they don’t feel that good. They should have obliterated the Lions but let them waltz back into the game and almost tie it up. They looked weak against a mild Eagles franchise. Is this team good? Of course, the Packers might be shit, I haven’t watched them play the Lions yet, so this pick might change too.
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers hosting Jeopardy asking what team shouldn’t have passed on him
EAGLES @ COWBOYS
NFCE primetime bullshit. I’ll just pick the Dallas but root for the meteor.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as Rocky
Dave you absolute monster! Do not ever make me want to root for the jets, but I wanna see a hoers get boom’d.
Oops, I thought the post didn’t go through because I left name and email blank. Wanna delete this?
Dave you absolute monster! Do not ever make me want to root for the jets, but I wanna see a hoers get boom’d.
I am loving Denver’s comically easy schedule, we’re gonna be so fraudulent this year.
Eh… Steelers didn’t play down to the Raiders. The Raiders are just actually a good team. Their offence was 8th best in the league last season and looks just as good this year. Their defence, which hasn’t been in the top half of the league in Carr’s entire career, is looking a LOT better. It’s still early, so a collapse could still occur, although if it happens this season, I’d bet it will be because of injuries, rather than ineptitude.
At this point I feel like it should be a requirement to reserve judgement on the Raiders until either week 18 (still hate the extra game) or when they’ve actually clinched a playoff spot. This team has had too many decent to outright hot starts only to completely fold down the final stretch in crucial games.
It doesn’t help that the league usually loads the back end of the Raiders schedules with their annual trips to KC and Denver.
Steelers just lose to the Raiders for some reason
Yeah, that’s crazy, too. Ben is 2-6 vs the Raiders all time and that includes losing to Terrell Pryor and Bruce Gradkowski-led teams. Hell, they even lost to the Raiders both years after they won Super Bowls. No matter how bad the Raiders are, they always seem to give the Steelers a tough time.
It took me a few minutes to remember the 49ers passed on Rodgers.
This probably says more about me than anyone else, but I don’t get the “nightmare fuel” takes on David Car. Flesh-colored Lightning McQueen with a nose. What’s so freaky about that?
*shrug*
Bills Mafia Don behind bars….the only good thing to come from a Bills loss
The choice to give Derek Car a nose was an epic dive into uncanny valley; I love to hate it
Rams are definitely gonna surprise people next week.
And Derek the Car is my new favorite drawing.
Echoing the compliments on Derek Car, especially the nose. Top-notch stuff!
If the Jaguars somehow win and the Cardinal in the drawing isn’t tiny bird sized Kyler Murray I’m going to be immensely disappointed
If the Texans win please make the Kool Aid man look like Vince Wilfork at a BBQ. Thank you.
If the Bears win, that Bear in the Cuyahoga better be the return of the Don’t Care Bear using the fire to light his cigarette.
After week 1 only had two (offsetting) taunting penalties, I had hope that the NFL was not dead set on maintaining the dumbest course possible. 8 taunting penalties in week 2. It seems that you can not celebrate in the immediate vicinity of an opponent or be looking anywhere near the direction of an opponent no matter how mild your actual celebration is.
But unnecessarily flipping into the end zone is totally fine.
I have a young infant & have seen 0 games this year, so I openly admit in advance I’m 100% talking out of my hindquarters on the penalties you mention, not having seen any of them. But the two immediate takeaways from that video the NFL put out a few months back were:
– Don’t celebrate near an opponent
– Don’t look in the direction of an opponent when celebrating
Irrespective of whether the rule is good, warranted, or anything else, not sure how players doing either/both of the above are surprised when they’re flagged. I’m not defending the rule, but in terms of 1s and 0s, it seems pretty easy to avoid if those are the criteria for the 8 penalties you mention above.
I think that’s the whole problem with this “emphasis”. On paper, it SEEMS pretty easy. In the heat of the game, it requires the player make the play, then basically stop and look around for a minute to make sure no one from the opposing team is anywhere in his eyeline, or in the same camera shot, then go back to celebrating. Or to run directly to his sideline and celebrate at the crowd or something dumb like that. To enforce these rules logically, you have to be able to take intent into consideration, and that just means it’s a mess, because judgment calls will often be wrong/bad.
I mean, Derek Car is off-putting but at least it’s not more Joe Buck body horror, which I fully expect within a few weeks
derek Car ™ is goss and upsetting and i do not like looking at it
but i guess when he has a bad game he can be De Wreck Carr, and that’ll be okay
If the Raiders keep going on their tear, Dave should at some point incorporate Evil Derek Carr Doing the Kubrick Stare into it.
Rodgers should read the answer not the question, “This team shouldn’t have passed on me”