WEEK 2 IN THE BOOKS! Let’s get to it. I did much better this week.

Derek Car is an early favorite for top 5 cartoon of the year

Week 2 was my best week last year, maybe I’m just good at not falling into the week 1 reactionary trap.  So what have we learned in week 2?

-TEAM is supposed to have a killer defense, but it really hasn’t shown up yet.
-The Giants and the Jets are locked in an eternal struggle to be the worst team representing New York
-The new taunting rule is absolutely as horseshit as we feared it would be
-The Steelers still cannot help but play down to opponents. They weren’t even on the road this time!
-Jalen Hurts might be okay, but the Eagles are still very flawed
-The Chargers will always find a way to Chargers away a game. Though I will fault no one blaming the refs for that one. What a shit show. Probably the worst game of the week. Refball is an absolute disgusting slog to watch no matter who you are rooting for.
-The Saints are very much affected by sickness and injury, but the Panthers are better than anticipated.
-Derek Henry still rules
-Tua is dead, and maybe people were too eager to crown Brian Flores as a Belichick tree success story
-Don’t count out the Packers yet

So let’s look ahead to week 3!

The Texans have put up better performances in the past two weeks than anyone would have expected. They are almost fun! The Panthers are the same. This game probably won’t tell us much about either team being “for real” yet, as the Texans have only beat The Jags and the Panthers beat the Jets and a hobbled Saints. This should be a Panthers win though. Hard to trust the Texans to be any sort of legit.
If the Texans win, I will draw the Kool Aid Man in Texans colors breaking through a wall

The Chargers cannot be trusted. They put up a win against a TEAM that hasn’t looked particularly good so far. They put up a loss against a Dallas team that also isn’t particularly good. The Refs damaged them, but if they expect help in an away game in KC, they won’t get it here. Never trust the Chargers.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Boltman kicking the walrus

Trevor honestly seems like he could be the guy if he wasn’t stuck on this team. He and Burrow worry me as tremendous talents that will never succeed thanks to being stuck on garbage franchises run by shitty coaches. The Cardinals are fun this year!
If the Jaguars win, I will draw a Jaguar cat presenting you with a dead cardinal, for your approval

The Browns have been very entertaining in two games so far. The offense remains pretty baller but the defense remains suspect. The Bears are the opposite. The offense remains suspect, the defense is still pretty good. However, Stefanski has experience calling games against the Bears and Dalton might be hurt/Fields not quite ready. Should be a good game, calling it for the Brownies.
If the Bears win, I will draw a large bear chilling in the Cuyahoga river, which is on fire

The Bills came out after that first week disappointment and obliterated the Dolphins. If the TEAM wants to prove they are worth taking seriously, they need to at least put up a fight in this one, which I do not expect. Not in Buffalo.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw the Bills Mafia Don behind bars

The Titans proved they aren’t willing to go quietly even though I have lost trust in them. The Colts gave the Rams a hell of a fight but Carson Wentz is once more damaged goods and I gotta roll with my boy King Henry.
If the Colts win, I will draw a horse pooping on Ryan Tannehill

The Patriots are certainly not the death star anymore, but Mac Jones isn’t too bad and seems like the rookie QB to be most likely to show success this year thanks to his situation. The Saints should be the better team, but we saw against the Panthers how damaged they are right now.
If the Saints win, I will draw Sean Payton calmly chilling in front of the rubble of the death star

The Falcons, for a very brief moment in time, looked okay against the Bucs. The Giants, for a very brief moment in time, looked okay against the TEAM. One of these two piles of trash is going to hurt their draft position this weekend. You know me, I can’t pick the Giants.
If the Giants win, I will draw Joe Judge Judy

The Bengals we expected came back out to play in week 2 after a surprising week 1 win. Even if the Steelers play poorly I’m not sure I could possibly trust the Bengals to win this.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow kicking a bottle of Heinz ketchup in the nuts

The Ravens managed to out-football the Chiefs and the Lions remain the Lions.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell eating Lamar Jackson’s kneecaps. I’m gonna make this bet until I get to draw it.

The Broncos don’t seem that good but wow are they cruising to 3-0 on the back of this garbage schedule. The Giants, then the Jaguars, now the Jets? This is horseshit. Get it? Also good for Teddy, he’s having a small moment.
If the Jets win, I will draw an F-22 carpet bombing a horse

The Raiders have already screwed me twice. They will always screw me. That said, I’m gonna pick them because they seem to be going for the “early season success to get your hopes up early” strategy of damaging their fans this year. Dolphins are kinda messy and Tua might be dead.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a dolphin tail-whipping Jon Gruden

Hey, we got ourselves a game here! This one should be a blast to watch! Of course, Tom Brady just threw 5 TDs at the age of 67 and he looks better than ever so the heat death of the universe is more likely than me picking against Tom at this point
If the Rams win, I will draw California slapping Florida

I tried to will the Vikings into victory by picking against them and hoping my curse would work, but it didn’t. The Vikings are still the Vikings. Seahawks fell apart this week but I can see this being a solid bounce-back game.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Prince rubbing his ass on a starbucks logo

I don’t quite get the 49ers this season. They are 2-0 but they don’t feel that good. They should have obliterated the Lions but let them waltz back into the game and almost tie it up. They looked weak against a mild Eagles franchise. Is this team good? Of course, the Packers might be shit, I haven’t watched them play the Lions yet, so this pick might change too.
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers hosting Jeopardy asking what team shouldn’t have passed on him

NFCE primetime bullshit. I’ll just pick the Dallas but root for the meteor.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as Rocky