CARTOON PICS WEEK 7 – My Brain Cannot Accept The Bengals Being This Good
It doesn’t make sense, right? Some improvement was to be expected, sure. They got Burrow back, they drafted his favorite weapon, things were supposed to get a little better. But they still had no o-line, they were still coached by Zac Taylor, and they were still stuck in a meatgrinder division with Lamar Jackson, the upstart Browns, and the defensive Steelers. Yet now, in week 7, almost halfway through the season, the Bengals sit in first place after a commanding win over the Ravens, in Baltimore. It doesn’t feel right. They shouldn’t have turned it around this fast. It doesn’t make sense. But make no mistake: we are living in a Bengals are actually good world. What a time to be alive. As a fan of a team stuck rebuilding for like the 7th year in a row, I am very upset.
Speaking of the Giants, they won! Good for them. Despite a missing and very shuffled offensive line, no Shep, Toney, Golladay, or Barkley, the Giants handled the Panthers. Jones had the catch of the day and if this season has given me any hope, it’s in Jones. He’s doing his best as the team crumbles around him and with no great QB prospects this year I’m fine giving him one more season under new management.
The Panthers though…woof. I didn’t fall for the Broncos false start, but I fell for the Panthers. I was devastated when the Giants missed out on Matt Rhule but as time goes on I wonder if Matt Rhule knows what he’s doing. They shelled out a big contract for Teddy Bridgewater and they sucked. They then shelled out even more for Sam fucking Darnold and they straight benched him in a winnable game for PJ Walker. This team has no identity on offense without CMC, and designing your entire offense around a shifty RB who can’t stay healthy is a poor decision. Even the Giants were smart enough to pick up WRs. Sam Darnold wasn’t the answer and all those early-season articles praising him are really funny now.
The Falcons greatest rival is not the Saints. It’s leads in the 4th quarter. I’ve never seen a team with the consistent ability to do this. And yet, despite being the Falcons, the Dolphins still ended up losing. The Dolphins are so bad.
I have no idea what is so wrong with Kansas City. They just look wrong and it doesn’t make sense even more than the Bengals being good doesn’t make sense. I never thought the Giants would actually have a chance next week, but now they kinda do? The Titans pummeled the hapless Chiefs and Derrick Henry is so damn cool.
It feels like it’s illegal to talk out loud that Kyle Shanahan might be overrated as a coach. That Superbowl run bought him a lot of credit that I’m not sure he deserves. John Fox reached a Super Bowl, it shouldn’t give you this much leeway. He actually has a losing record as a coach and the injury excuse only goes so far. Injuries strike every team, some worse than others, but it’s a sign of good coaching when the replacements still perform okay. At what point are people going to entertain the idea that Shanahan might not be that smart or great?
Packers are the Packers. Bucs are the Bucs. Cardinals are the Cardinals. Rams are the Rams. Lions are the Lions. Bears are the Bears. Raiders might be better without Jon Gruden.
PICTURES
PREDICTIONS FOR HALLOWEEK 8 – We are going with the SPOOKY THEMING
PACKERS @ CARDINALS
Oh…oh man…this is a really good-looking Thursday game. The Packers had a fluke loss in week 1 and the Cardinals haven’t lost at all. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna call the Packers Cardinals. Davante Adams just got put on the covid list and they are more injured overall than I thought and the Cards seem healthy so I’m changing my pick to the Cards. But if the Packers win, remember my gut instincts were right and I played myself.
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers as Samara from the Ring
PANTHERS @ FALCONS
The Panthers keep giving me chances to believe in them, but after this past week I am officially off the Panthers train, even against these stupid Falcons.
If the Panthers win, I will draw an evil black cat bewitching Matt Ryan
TITANS @ COLTS
Titans are better than the Colts, but the Colts are at home and aren’t that bad. Still, gotta give my boy Henry some love, picked against him two weeks in a row now.
If the Colts win, I will draw Carson Wentz as a C.H.U.D.
DOLPHINS @ BILLS
The Dolphins, going into Buffalo, fresh off a bye. This feels bad, man.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Josh Allen being eaten off a boat by a dolphin like Shaw in Jaws
BENGALS @ JETS
The Jets were bad and now Zach Wilson is hurt. The Jets should honestly just pack it in.
If the Jets win, I will draw Robert Saleh as Freddy Krueger
STEELERS @ BROWNS
The Browns showed remarkable resilience on Thursday night despite the injuries, but I’m not sure the craftiness is going to be strong enough against a much better defense.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Browns Bulldog as The Thing
EAGLES @ LIONS
The Lions have too much fight in them to keep losing forever. They have to win one of these games. Maybe it’ll be this one against a bad Philly team.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as pinhead
RAMS @ TEXANS
Oh Texans. Why bother.
If the Texans win, I will draw Jack Easterby as Leatherface
49ERS @ BEARS
Will we get Trey Lance vs Justin Fields? I’m pumped. Going 49ers.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as The Grudge
PATRIOTS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers are good. The Patriots have beaten the Jets and the Texans and nobody else.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Michael Myers
JAGUARS @ SEAHAWKS
Lucky Seahawks get to face the terrible Jags. A good matchup to be missing Russ.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Urban Meyer as the Humpadook
BUCS @ SAINTS
Seems like the Bucs have weathered the rough injuries and are back on track.
If the Saints win, I will draw Jameis Winston as The Crabbyman
TEAM @ BRONCOS
The TEAM feels worse than they should be. The Broncos are just regular shit. Team probably wins.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Von Miller as The Blob
COWBOYS @ VIKINGS
The Vikings aren’t woeful, but the Cowboys are one of the competitors in the NFC, so this probably ends badly for Minnesota.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins as a Xenomorph
GIANTS @ CHIEFS
Why would they put this in primetime? Even before the Chiefs turned out to be bad. Why is this a primetime game? Ugh.
If the Giants win, I will draw Dracula Jones
If the Packers somehow win @Cardinals while missing literally about a third of their starters (CB1, CB2, OLB1, OLB2, WR2, LT, C), I think you’d have to question how far they can go when they get all of those guys back.
(…Assuming all of those guys stay out on a short week – maybe OLB2 and CB2 have a chance of coming back in time, but probably none of the others.)
I think the Titans are officially my AFC team…again. Can’t think of anyone else I like better. Thought I was going to have to quit them when they lost to the Jets, but that was apparently just a bizarro world aberration.
I’m a Packers fan and I agree, though I think Gary may be OLB2 behind Za’Darius, now and Stokes should be CB2, now, as well. They certainly have a chance in the game, but I’d say the odds favor the Cardinals.
And now the Packers might be out their WR1…
And WR3… Yeah… Basically, LaFleur and Rodgers have to be very good with a backup DC and O-line… Not liking those odds.
Much more of this bollocks in South Florida and they’ll be mine an’all. If my workmates can ditch New England like a flaming sack of shit and hop on the Brady bandwagon in Tampa, I can follow Tannys to a place that’s protecting him.
The Gay Bowser tribute is one of your best works yet lol
And somehow Dave, the Giants do not have the worst coaching staff in the NFC East. That award clearly goes to the Eagles group of inexperienced, incompetent frat boys (seriously, look at them, almost every single one looks like they’d be doing a kegstand and hitting on “the babes”).
https://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/coaches-roster/
I got more of a “quietly demoralized Service Department Manager and staff at a car dealership where the owner just shows up twice a month in between marlin fishing trips down in Florida to cut a half dozen ads and make sure we’re wearing these polos we hate” vibe.
Chicago would like to disagree with you
Judge Joey was right there!
The Steelers seem to have sorted out some of their defensive issues, but they still don’t have an offense. If Chubb comes back this week, I’d put it in the Browns’ favor, especially at home.
If the Saints win, you should draw Jameis Winston dressed as Bernard Pollard, jump-scaring Old Man Brady and giving him a heart attack.
You didn’t draw JJ Watt and Deandre Hopkins giving Jack Easterby a wedgie 🙁
My thoughts:
Cardinals are still the best team in the NFL.
Packers are a good not great team.
Panthers offense is trash without CMC. Defense is still okay.
Kyle Pitts is living up to his draft hype.
Titans can win a game without Derrick Henry putting Derrick Henry numbers. Legit Contenders
Colts are starting to get things together.
Dolphins are the most disappointing team in 2021.
Bengals are a great team. Expect them to lose tragically in the wild card round. Jamar Chase is a top 5 receiver.
Zach Wilson will become the next quarterback in the graveyard of failed jets QB.
Browns have found a third good running back in Deionte Johnson. They probably won’t make the playoffs though.
Eagles might be the 2nd worst team in the NFC
Lions played like there was no tomorrow and they still lost. Their more cursed than the Browns.
Matthew Stafford got his revenge. Cooper Kupp is the most underrated receiver in the NFL.
49ers super bowl season is looking like a fluke.
Matt Nagy needs to be fired for the sake of Justin Fields
Patriots took their season frustrations out on the Jets again.
Just another day for Tom Brady and Co.
Teams Offense might be good, if only they can solve their red zone issues. Their defense did a full 360 from last year to this year.
Broncos are still the same team since 2016.
Giants defense played well only because they faced PJ Walker and Sam Darnold, They will still lose to the Chiefs.
Chiefs are the 2nd most disappointing team of the season. Patrick Mahomes is trying to do too much.
Derrick Carr is playing at an all-pro level.
So many parallels in the last two Miami games, it’s not even funny anymore.
• They get a turnover and give it straight damn back.
• Boneheaded penalties at crucial moments.
• We miss out on retaining possession off what looked like (but ruled not) a muffed punt.
• We prove unequivocally that we can’t manage a clock for shit…
• …as the opposition wins an absolute squeaker…
• …on a field goal right as time expires.
And it’s also the fifth game our of the last six that we’ve puked up 20 points unanswered.
And yet this one was worse, because in almost every other aspect of the game we hoofed Atlanta all over the joint. We outgained them, had more FDs, better 3rd Down efficiency, more time of possession, and outside of those two picks, Tags had his best gameday of the THIRTEEN (let’s not forget that he hasn’t even played a full season yet) with four TDs. Yeah, we’d have won with one fewer INT, but we’d have won without Sanders pulling that kick.
Saying it again – this is NOT all on Tua. He doesn’t play defense. He doesn’t play offensive line. Hell, our offensive line doesn’t play offensive line.
This isn’t my Dolphins anymore; the Miami I’ve followed since the 80s is long gone anyway, they’ve been a dead team walking since the departure of Shula and Marino. So sure, fuck it, trade for Watson, see if I give a shit. But what if he’s indicted and convicted? What then, hm? Potential talent gone, pissed up the wall on a sexual predator? It’ll be the most Dolphins the Dolphins have been since Cam Cameron – he’s as toxic as Culpepper, Cutler and Incognito combined.
If Grier isn’t out the door soon, he’s got to be gone after Week 18. And I think Flores will be too. If only Ross would sell up and get out an’all – he’s right down there with Snyder for bad ownership.
Can we please give Chucky the rest of the year off in the NFL, after… things?
Niners fan. Shanahan is definitely overrated as a coach. He’s mostly got a good mind for play design, but tries to be too clever and struggles to get rhythm. I saw something on Reddit about how it’s mostly the non-49ers fans that say Shanahan is a genius. Some years are fair (2017 – rebuilding, 2018 – injured QB, 2020 – REALLY bad injuries), but this year there really isn’t any excuse.
And now the Packers’ defensive coordinator and at least Davante Adams are out. How you feelin’ about that Packers pick, Dave?
Love the Vikings shout out in the Teddy panel! We genuinely love Teddy for no discernable reason other than he was such a great guy who we can all look wistfully at and think “Man, if he had just not gotten hurt” when in reality, him getting injured was probably a blessing in disguise. I will never not cheer for him all the same.
My gut says bills/dolphins will be a trap game.
I googled “Humpadook” and this was the only page that came up. I don’t know what that is, but I am impressed that you could search for any single word on Google and have it come back to only a single page.
Anyway Dave, here’s your pool update post week 7:
This week you got an 8, obviously not great, as it was bottom third for the week’s scores. But there was a lot of consensus in these games, so you didn’t lose much ground. The week’s winner had an 11.
Overall you’re at 69 (nice!), which is good for a tie from 8th – 10th place. The current leader has 81.
humpadook is the babadook in a deshaun watson jersey
I hope all of your picks are wrong
Sorry/not Sorry that so many picks of Dave’s went wrong.