CARTOON PICKS RETURN!
Even though I only did it for one season like 5 years ago people still ask me if I’m ever going to bring this back. Well, I think I might be back. yeah, I’m thinking I’m back. Lets do this shit again, folks! I think this will replace Monday comics for the season since these are more fun to make during the games.
Okay, so those of you who might be new to this, here’s how it works. I pick every game for the week (I’ll likely try to list my next week predictions under these posts each week). I also make a bet on each game. Whoever I pick to win, if they lose, I have to draw something as punishment. You can see the examples I got wrong below. Sometimes this results in few drawings as I get most games right. Sometimes things go horribly wrong. Most of the time you can count on 4-5 doodles.
Since this goes up on Monday, you can check back tomorrow if I get the MNF game wrong for some extra hilarity! I’ll also probably add my picks to this post later in the week, probably Wed, to account for any midweek news. Now you have a reason to return and give me extra traffic! Hahahaha I do not run ads I do not get paid for your clicks but share me anyway.
Here is my tweet thread of picks for this Sunday, in case you wonder what potential magic you may have missed. It should be more organized from here on.
SOME RULES:
-“Can I submit my own ideas for your bets?” YES! Yes you can! Keep in mind however that they should be relatively simple requests, I’m not going to draw your complex masterpiece of Gardner Minshew as a redneck Jaguar mauling the entire Dolphins defense in the style of a Van Gogh. The easier, the simpler, and the funnier, the more likely I’ll decide to use yours. Read the tweet thread for an idea of what I’m looking for. Comment your request below. Commenting your request does not mean I’ll use it.
-If I get the pick right, I’m not drawing the cartoon anyway just because you want to see it. Them’s the breaks. If I’m right, no doodle. You are hoping for my failures, and I am motivated to be right. If you really really want to see something and it doesn’t work out, too bad. Or send me money and I’ll make it. I’ll sell out for you.
So lets get to this week’s picks! Unfortunately for you, I was extremely accurate this week. Dallas and KC gave me brief scares, but ultimately I was right about pretty much every game. Except the Colts. I did not expect the Vikings to look as terrible as they do this year. Clearly, I am Nostradamus. Also I guess the Raiders did the thing too!
WEEK 3 PICKS! Fortunately for you, this week seems a lot harder to pick:
Dolphins @ Jags
The Dolphins might not be the worst team in the league this year, but they still appear to have a way to go and are still devoid of much talent. The Jags, despite also lacking in talent, have found some sort of identity and Gardner looks like he’s continuing to improve. This is a battle of bad teams fighting to be mediocre, but the Dolphins might be sneaky better than expected as they’ve played the better teams thus far. I still gotta go with the slightly hotter hand. Jags
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Ryan Fitzpatrick riding a Dolphin who is blowing water out of it’s blowhole spelling “Duval sux”
49ers @ Giants
The Giants are a bad football team and just got worse. Now they have zero running threat, one less B-level wide receiver, and no expectations. Even before this, the Giants have scored the least amount of points in the league, yes, even less than the Jets (by one point). The 49ers are basically down to their practice squad replacement team by this point, but if that does anything, it just makes the game “potentially winnable if things go right” for the Giants instead of “absolutely decimated”. 49ers
If the Giants in, I will draw Joe Judge as a judge, banging his gavel down on a guilty Kyle Shanahan’s head
TEAM @ Browns
The TEAM took a big L against the Cardinals (who I am very high on this season, actually), but I haven’t quite lost my faith yet. The Browns showed promise against the Bengals but got leveled by the Ravens. I think this will actually be a good game. All this said, I just…have more faith in the Browns? The TEAM impressed me in week 1, but the Eagles may just be really bad. The Browns got expectedly shellacked by Baltimore but showed promise as a unit against the also woeful Bengals. This feels like last year’s Browns, but more disciplined. I can’t believe I’m picking the Browns to have a winning record. BROWNS
If TEAM wins, I will draw Chase Young pooping on OBJ
Bengals @ Eagles
Wow this game is surprisingly hard to call? Joe Burrow has been excellent so far but he’s Atlas and on his heavy shoulders sits a giant dumpster. At the start of the season I’d have picked the Iggles to wipe the floor with Cincy but right now the Eagles are practically already in crisis. Wentz has looked terrible and the team is once again riddled with injuries. Many of the once stout defenders are past prime. One of these teams is going to earn a much needed breather win while the other will be officially placed on “wasted season” watch. I really want to pick the Bengals, but life hates me, so EAGLES
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow smoking a cigar over Carson Wentz’s grave
Raiders @ Pats
I’m writing this before I watch the Raiders play the Saints, so the Raiders might be a better team than I think they are. Unless they destroy the Saints’ very souls, I still can’t pick them against the Patriots at home. The Patriots don’t look they’ve lost anything in the switch to Cam. PATS
If the Raiders win, I will draw Bill Belichick with a Mark Davis haircut
Bears @ Falcons
The Bears are pretenders. They streaked together some scores as the Lions choked, and then almost let the Giants beat them after going up 17-0 as the Giants shat themselves. They are still staring Mitch Trubisky. The Falcons have been beaten by a great team (Seahawks) and had a spectacular meltdown against a decent team (Dallas). They put up some points in both games. The records are switched here, I think the Falcons are better. FALCONS
If da Bears win, I will draw Matt Ryan being mauled by a Bear wearing an “I Kiss Titties” t-shirt
Rams @ Bills
The Rams look pretty good again. The Bills look like divisional contenders and for sure playoff contenders. However I’ve seen the Rams getting a ton of praise that I just didn’t quite see. They didn’t look that great against Dallas and then they got to beat the shit out of an Eagles team already punching itself in the dick. I don’t trust the Rams quite yet and I’m on the Josh Allen is actually good now bandwagon. BILLS
If the Rams win, I’ll draw Aaron Donald ripping a buffalo in half
Texans @ Steelers
The Texans are not good. They could really use a true #1 WR. The Steelers appear to be back. It brings me no joy to report this. STEELERS
If the Texans win, I will draw JJ Watt giving TJ Watt a wedgie (Via Cepedalemitajobibo)
Titans @ Vikings
The Titans barely squeaked out a win against the Broncos, and almost gave up a huge lead to the Jaguars. They are not the same team as last year. That said, they are playing the Vikings. TITANS
If the Vikings win, I will draw Thor banishing Derrick Henry to Tartarus
Panthers @ Chargers
I don’t really know what to think of the Panthers or Chargers yet. I was impressed by Herbert’s debut, considering how emergency it was. If they go back to Tyrod I think they lose. However the Panthers lost 60% of their offense when CMC went down. CHARGERS
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sir Purr lounging on the beach in LA with Herbert/Tyrod buried in the sand
Jets @ Colts
The Jets are a fucking disgrace. COLTS
If the Jets win, I will draw Adam Gase making crazy eyes over dead Philip Rivers, a’la Ali over Frazier.
Cowboys @ Seahawks
The Cowboys are better than I think a lot of people give them credit for. That said the Seahawks are probably a #1 seed super bowl contender at this rate. They finally unleashed the Russ. SEAHAWKS
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak as a chef, cooking tiny Russ with Zeke is ready to eat him.
Lions @ Cardinals
The Lions are a fucking disgrace. As per their trend, they will briefly be winning this game by two scores before Kyler Murray punches Matt Patricia in the dick. CARDINALS
If the Lions win, I will draw Matt Stafford holding a W too high for Kyler to reach
Bucs @ Broncos
The Bucs figured it out and looked like the team we dreaded against the Panthers. The Broncos lost their starting QB. These are teams trending in very different directions. That said…will Brady still suck in Denver? Not this year. BUCS
If the Broncos win, I will draw Tom Brady choking on that high altitude Denver air
Packers @ Saints
The Packers are good as hell. I hate it. The Saints are also good as hell. I hate it, but slightly less. I would normally give it to the Saints, but home field doesn’t mean jack shit this season. PACKERS
If the Saints win, I will draw old man Brees telling Aaron Rodgers to get off his yard
Chiefs @ Ravens
This game is gonna rule. However I think this is a statement win for the Ravens, who want to make a big deal about how important they are. RAVENS
If the Chiefs win, I will draw walrus Andy Reid dumping old bay on his dinner, a raven
That was some mighty fine picking.
Injured Reserved is gonna be a long comic
Seriously. It’s unfortunate that after years of everyone complaining that preseason causes injuries, the one year without a preseason feels like half the players in the league are collapsing to the turf.
The abbreviated training camps and limited practices absolutely factored in, but I’ll be curious to see what the NFL’s number crunchers come up with and whether they lean harder into preseasons going forward.
Ten Cent Beer Night at the Injured Reserve Bar
Just show the outside of the bar with a sign that says closed for COVID people limit count
Oh boy!
Even though I first saw them long after the 2015 season was wrapped up, those one-panel doodles were absolutely comedy gold, they were hilarious. Looking forward to these! Especially since I’ve been participating in a game prediction competition myself on another forum.
“Can I submit my own ideas for your bets?” “YES! Yes you can!”
Of course, given that I have no idea what your predictions are for Week 3, I can’t get started on this. But I hope I’ll soon be able to!
Why can’t the Failcons ever just lose normal? Why do we always have to set historical precedence? Every year I tell myself this will be different, “you are numb to the pain they can’t hurt you anymore”. Every year that pain keeps coming. Why god, why?
I’m still gonna watch and root for them though. I guess deep down the pain reminds me I am alive. The faint glimmer of hope that the Saint’s will blow it in hilarious fashion once the playoff’s start keep me running through the offseason.
That 2015 season when you did the drawings for Uproxx was probably my favorite NFL season in terms of overall games because it gave me a rooting interest for each and every game. Glad to see these back.
The crazy thing is Rivers played pretty badly that game (don’t let the completion percentage fool you). The Colts left at least 13 points on the board from extremely off-timed throws, and Rivers’ bad pick inside the Vikings 10. As many as 21 points if you say that would have been a touchdown instead of a field goal (instead of nothing), same with the field goal before halftime. And they still dominated while missing their RB1, TE1, TE2, WR2, and CB1. This should make me elated, but given that they got picked apart by Uncle Rico just one week before with more players available, I think this game says much more about how bad Kirk cousins is than it does about the colts defense and run game being legit. It feels like we have a new contender every year for “worst contract ever”, and I still think Osweiler’s is the worst in recent memory, but if I were a Vikings fan I would be even more hopeless than usual after that performance. He looked like he was playing his first preseason game as a rookie with practice squad guys he had zero chemistry with. That was painful to watch even as a fan of the opposing team.
If the Browns win next week please do a Browns comic. Not biased or anything. That or a Burrow comic would be nice.
Unfortunately, I am Nostradamus. More like Nostradammit as far as this Vikings season goes.
Nostradumbass
Do you reserve the rights to change the comic? Like if the Chargers had beat KC would you have change Tyrod to be Herbert to reflect the actual game?
Yes, in cases like that when the joke no longer makes sense due to unforseen circumstances, I can adjust it to make more sense but I’ll try to keep it as close to the OG plan as possible
I don’t know who you’re picking in the Steelers-Texans game, but maybe the comic could involve the winning Watt brother giving a swirly (or a wedgie, or a noogie, or some other form of brotherly abuse) to the losing Watt brother.
By the way the Steelers have 2 Watt brothers, TJ and Derek.
Fire Dan Quinn Now! Wtf… How the hell do your players not know that when they are receiving an onside kick that they don’t have to wait for the ball to go ten yards. FML
If you watch the play in real time I don’t think they thought it was going to go ten yards, in which case it is smart to not touch it. The dumb thing is when it turned up field they weren’t ready.
For a moment, I thought Zim’s shirt said YIKES
Dave, you need to have a drawing ready to do in case of a tie. Something that could work for any game? Something for us to look forward to after a game ends in an anticlimactic no-decision.
They are rare of course but I think they’re actually a little more common these days since OT is only 10 minutes now.
If we get a tie I’ll just draw both QBs in a dumpster
Oh c’mon. Hasn’t burrow been punished enough?!
“If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak as a chef, cooking tiny Russ with Zeke is ready to eat him.”
Ahahha! I love it almost enough to want the Cowboys to win, but…. naw.
“If the Saints win, I will draw old man Brees telling Aaron Rodgers to get off his yard”
Old fart yells at old fart?
Old man yells at cloud.
“If TEAM wins, I will draw Chase Young pooping on OBJ”
I’m officially a Browns fan this week because this is something I absolutely do not want to see. Ever.
What scares me is that I may be in the minority with this opinion.
Come on Cowgirls. I wanna see that picture. Also, I hate the Seahawks.
My poor, poor 9ers. Dave, I’m not entirely sure how you guys survived last week on that cursed field but I’m currently living by the statement that if they weren’t injured last week, they’ll get injured this week.
Thor is norse. Tartarus is greek. You mean, anticlimactically, Hel.
The Titans are greek, so the Titan player goes to greek hell
Get ready to draw the first bear with an “I Kiss Titties” shirt of your life.
I think if the saints win it should be Brees in the Kings chair on a Mardi Gras float with Rodgers chained like Princess Leia and lefleur dressed as the saints logo.