Hell yeah baby, we’re almost there!

Week 16 was weird and introduced some fun complications to the playoff picture. The Browns, who looked like an easy sho-in, now dangle perilously close to missing the playoffs all together because they couldn’t beat the Jets. Yes, half the Browns team was on COVID protocol, but it was the Jets! The Jets! We might be in for a repeat of the Browns 2007 season when they got 10 wins and still missed the playoffs thanks to tiebreakers. The Browns have to beat the Steelers next week to ensure victory. Beating the Steelers is not the Browns strong suit.

Speaking of the Steelers…they averted disaster with a timely comeback against the Colts to avoid a 4 game skid. Maybe they’ve found something again, maybe Philip Rivers is just back in “losing everything when the game is on the line” mode. The Colts are now the odd team out, right under the Browns. The Ravens, who have found themselves and look very dangerous, have the 6th seed. The Titans hold the South for now. The Bills are in, the Chiefs are the #1 seed despite a scare from the Falcons. The Dolphins eeked out a bizarre win against the Raiders that leaves Tua’s situation in limbo. Why put Fitz back in now? Why bench Tua anyway? Once you commit to the rookie like that for a season, you should probably keep him there to show your faith. There’s no pressure on the Dolphins at all this season, nobody expected them to be this good. They are playing with house money, but they aren’t good enough to win a Super Bowl yet. Don’t potentially damage your future’s psych with these benchings.

The Bears have squeaked into the 7th seed in the NFC thanks to the Cardinals blowing it against the 49ers. Does anybody really want to watch this Bears team in the playoffs? I sure don’t. They aren’t much fun. I’d rather see Kyler Murray scoot around and throw to Nuk and Larry. Get it together, Arizona. The Rams lost their chance to claim the West crown after losing to the Jets and letting the Seahawks win, so the Hawks are now in fine shape. The NFC South is basically determined outside which seed the Saints and Bucs end up with. What we have left to discuss is the most intriguing division of all. The Chaos Liar. Oh I love you, Chaos Lair.

The Giants are 5-10 and could win the division next week. Depending on outcome, they could also end up in 4th place for the division. The Cowboys are on a hot streak. The TEAM has faltered after Smith got hurt and they had to start the wet stripper fart that is Dwayne Haskins. The Eagles are now officially eliminated, sadly. However, for the funniest result, you should actually root for the Giants. If the Giants beat Dallas and Philly beats the TEAM, the Giants take the division at 6 wins. If you don’t think that’s amazing, we can’t be friends.

It’s not likely though. The Giants are bad and will likely lose to the Cowboys. The TEAM already beat Philly once and could likely wreak havoc on that poor Philly line once more but Hurts takes better care of the ball than Wentz does. The Cowboys are the team I actually am the most worried by. They aren’t the same team that looked lost in midseason. Dalton is fine, the defense has improved, and the team seems like they’ve figured it out. They probably would have run away with the division had Dak not died putting them in QB hell for several weeks. By the way, how can the Giants finish first or last in the same week? If they beat Dallas and TEAM loses, they are first thanks to tiebreakers in a 3-way 6 win tie. If they lose to Dallas and the TEAM loses, Philly has half a game on them at 5-10-1. Hilarious. My prediction for this mess? TEAM takes the division, but only if Smith starts. If Haskins starts, Cowboys take it.



Congrats, Jacksonville! You did it! You won the Lawrence sweepstakes! Even if you win this game he’s yours, so why not go to the spoiler route for fun? Nah, this team needs to be purged, so commit to the bit and make all those dumb media dudes who hate that losing gets you better draft picks angry. The Colts need this win to have a chance.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw the Tank on a beautiful farewell tour

The Titans need this one. The Texans are just biding time till they can hire Eric Bieniemy. Actually, can we talk about Eric Bieniemy for a second? He’s clearly the hottest commodity as HC material but why is everyone this high on him? He’s the Chiefs offensive coordinator. He’s had Patrick Mahomes to work with, and he works under Andy Ried, a well-known offensive guru. I have a lot of concerns over how much success we can actually attribute to Bieniemy. Half of what makes Mahomes look so good is that he plays backyard football. Nothing about the gameplans or calls ever struck me as genius, and if they are genius, how do we know it was Bieniemy and not also Reid? I’d love to see Bieniemy do well and giving him DeShaun Watson sounds delightful but I’m confused why there isn’t more debate around him.
If the Texans win, I will draw a Bull goring the state of Tennessee

The Lions are in a state of mess I haven’t been able to see before. That Bucs game was astonishing. The Vikings are garbage but they can certainly ruin their own draft picks with this one.
If the Lions win, I will draw a Gatorade bath being given to an empty space

The Falcons almost did it and shocked the world. Then they went and Falcons’d. The Bucs are probably the 5th seed, as it is their destiny to get upset by the winner of the NFCE.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan shrugging, because who cares anymore

EDIT: Haskins has been released, negating everything I originally wrote here. I think the Eagles win this.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw the DC Taylor Hienicke memorial

Man, the Jets are locked in at the #2 pick, this would be a hilarious game to win just out of pure spite.
If the Jets win, I will draw Adam Gase as Voldemort

The Bills already have the division and could very likely just rest people, while the Dolphins are in a more necessary situation. I dunno what the Dolphins are up to, but if the Bills take it easy this week (which is my prediction), the Phish should take it.
If the Bills win, I will draw the Fitz Dolphin frozen in ice

If the Browns had beaten the Jets this game would barely matter. Now it might be the end of the Browns. I can think of nothing more Browns. A Colts loss would also clinch the Browns into the playoffs, but since the Colts play the Jags, I wouldn’t count on that. I think we are genuinely headed for a Browns spectacular failure. Gonna hurt really bad!
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie weeping with joy, as everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

The Saints are pretty much set as the #2 seed so they might not even bother trying, but I feel like it’ll be an excuse for Sean Payton to do a bunch of dumb shit with Taysom Hill. Also the Panthers are kinda bust.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sir Purr blowing a noisemaker with mild enthusiasm

Packers, do us a favor, and save us from having to watch Mitch Trubisky in the playoffs.
If the Bears win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky in a state farm ad

The Chiefs have no reason to try. The conference is theirs.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Reid impaling Justin Herbert on his tusks

Cowboys are playing well, Giants are playing like butt. They gave me one week of genuine hope and joy this year, I’ll take it and now go back into my hole.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones as a literal cowboy standing over the corpse of Sheriff Dalton

The Ravens are probably a good dark horse super bowl pick right now, this team looks frightening since Lamar’s deuce dropped.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Lamar being flushed

Goff broke his thumb and the Rams are falling apart. The Cardinals need this more, even as they also fall apart.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay winning the Hot Sexy Young Coach trophy over a despondent Kliff Kingsbury

The 49ers got a healthy Kittle back and the Seahawks are untrustworthy, but I gotta take the expected win here. This is a good spoiler pick though.
If the 49ers win, I will draw George Kittle not being impressed with Wilson on top chef

Does anyone even care about this game? I debated even including it in the write-up.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jon Gruden, looking whistfully into the distance, drinking wine