BENGALS – Joey Burrow gave you hope. That hope ended in a catastrophic knee injury because nobody could protect him. This was never going to be a good season, and the one bright spot may have permanently damaged his career. The Bengals are a disaster and should probably clean house and spend next year with a real coach instead of some guy who got Sean McVay’s coffee once. I have little hope they will accomplish this.

DOLPHINS – What a fizzle at the end there. From a fun, Fitzmagric-driven start, the Dolphins turned into one of the season’s big feel good stories. Brian Flores had a team that should have been another year from competing…already competing! Then the cracks started to show. Tua, despite the wins, looked like a rookie most of the time. The future is bright for this squad, but their limitations showed at the end. Firing Chan Gailey should be the big forward move.

JETS – Low expectations and they couldn’t even meet those. Gase was a dead man walking from week 1 and lasted the whole year. Darnold might be salvageable and after winning two worthless games they probably have to at least give it one more season of trying. The most exciting thing about this team is finding out who the next crew is.

PATRIOTS – By most teams standards, a wasted year. By Patriots standards a disaster. Covid opt-outs weakened a strong defense, and the offense is a complete mess. Cam was a nice signing that just didn’t end up working out. McDaniels is bad, Cam is broken, Stidham is bad. This team needs an offensive overhaul. This team is now a regular team, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

JAGUARS – They won the first game of the year and never won again. By all accounts a complete disaster. But this team needed that. Jettison Marrone and build something fresh with Football Thor.

TEXANS – They got rid of their best weapon for peanuts and it only got worse. Absolutely horrendous season and they can’t even look forward to the draft now, as the Dolphins own their #3 overall pick. This team is wasting one of the best QBs in the entire league and makes me sad to think about. They will be pulling out of the BoB hole for years. I hope the next staff hiring prove fruitful.

RAIDERS – The Raiders gave us some great wins and genuinely looked like competitors for a while. Then they turned into the same mediocre slop they’ve been every other year under Jon Gruden. Is Derek Carr good enough? We still don’t know. The team clearly has potential but still makes stupid mistakes to lose games. I constantly messed up the Raiders picks this year because not even the Raiders could figure out if they were good or not at any given moment.

CHARGERS – In perhaps the most Chargers season of all, an incredible QB season was absolutely wasted by terrible decisions and truly baffling game management. Justin Herbert is the clear rookie of the year and it shouldn’t even be close. If you looked at just Herbert, this team should have been a playoff contender. Instead they never got close because the Chargers greatest opponent remains the Chargers themselves. If they ever find out how to beat the Chargers, this team is going to rule. Lynn probably did enough to warrant getting let go after this but whatever happens, there is a lot of hope to be had down in LA.

BRONCOS – There was a fair amount of Drew Lock hype after he played reasonably well towards the end of last season. Maybe Elway finally found his QB? Well, doesn’t seem like it. The most notable thing the Broncos did all year was lose Von Miller to a torn ACL. This was a season to completely forget in Denver, and I’m not entirely sure I haven’t already forgotten it.

FALCONS – Another year, more choking on a scale not seen my mortal men. At least now the team can move forward in a new direction instead of continuing to try and recapture the magic that gave them…the most incredible choke of all time. Ryan is now on the backside of his career and they still have Calvin Ridley and Julio. This is a team that needs to fix it quickly before everything falls apart even further.

PANTHERS – A team completely in rebuild with a new coach and system in place. This year could easily be forgotten as a holdover test run in the future plans of the Panthers. In that respect, I think it was pretty good. This team, despite being clearly outmatched in most contests, was never an easy out all year. Matt Rhule seems like a great coach to me. They have a way to go, and Teddy isn’t the guy, but this team might be a monster in a couple seasons provided they put the right talent in place.

VIKINGS – Pretty much a disaster. The Vikings have been playoff contenders under Zimmer and this year took a huge boot to the ass of Minnesota. Cousins wasn’t bad, but he could still be Cousins at the worst moments. Dalvin Cook rules. They found a perfectly adequate replacement for Diggs. But the defense took a surprising tumble into garbage and needs a big fix if we are going to get back to the good old days of upsetting New Orleans in the playoffs.

LIONS – Basically a nightmare year. Matt Patricia was finally fired after doing immense damage to this franchise. The perpetually underappreciated Stafford is being rumored to leave, which would put this team in an even bigger hole. Things look bad for Detroit, and I don’t see things getting better anytime soon.

CARDINALS – This was my super secret pick for major contender and they ended this season leaving me in a state of confusion. I fully expected this to be the Kyler breakout year, especially early on when the 49ers collectively died. It…didn’t happen. A fairly strong start turned into a wet fart of an ending. Now the Cardinals have one of the more uncertain futures. They should still be on the upswing and maybe a few more pieces will fall into place. At the very least, they gave us arguably the play of the year, with the Hail Murray.

49ERS – Here’s a fun stat. Kyle Shanahan, in 4 years as head coach, only has one winning season. You could blame injuries for at least two of these down years and the fact that they went to a Super Bowl in the one winning year certainly helps that argument, but that’s still an interesting stat. No team could reasonably survive so many stars going down so this year was effectively just a sad waste of time that adds to the super bowl hangover stat. The real question is Jimmy. Do they upgrade or stick with him?

EAGLES – A disaster of a year for sure. Wentz had his worst year as a starter and may not even be an Eagle come next year. Half the team got hurt. Doug Pederson looks more and more like a mediocre coach who got lucky. But Hurts showed some promise and the team generally looked a wee bit more cohesive at the end, so the rumors about everyone hating Wentz might be true. The team may move on from Carson but is not expected to make any other drastic changes. The NFCE is collectively garbage, so next year might be fine with a healthy squad and some new pieces.

COWBOYS – The season ended when Dak went down. If Dak stays in, the Cowboys probably polish off a solid 9-10 win season on the strength of that offensive weaponry alone. Instead, they got stuck in Ben DiNucci hell for a few weeks and made a late playoff push with Dalton far too late, and bumbled away their one chance against the Giants. Now the Dak question once more looms large over the Cowboys offseason. They’d be smart to sign him.

GIANTS – You tried. It isn’t your fault Doug Pederson is a hack who decided that his 3rd string QB was worth evaluating in a close game that happened to hold your fate in his hands. But if you had won like, one more game, it wouldn’t have been a concern. There are reasons to be happy about the season, and reasons to be frustrated. The offense took a big step back. The defense took a big step forward. Everyone on the bubble likely did enough to justify one more season. Gettleman had a better year than before. Jones was bad, but he started to improve when he got safer with the ball. Judge seems good enough for now. Fire Evan Engram into the sun.



So yes, playoff pics are going to happen. Even more excitingly, every game gets a picture…guaranteed. I will make a bet for both teams. If you have no stake in the game, root for the picture you’d rather see. As always, I’ll gladly take recommendations for each scenario. So let’s see what we have going on for Wild Card Weekend, now featuring the #2 seed!

The Colts are a good team. If this wasn’t the matchup they might even have a good chance of advancing. The Bills have spent the latter half of the season building a frightening amount of momentum and just casually went out and dropped a 50 burger on a good Dolphins team trying to reach the playoffs in a game the Bills didn’t even need to win. I would be scared of the Bills right now. Very scared.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as a Bills Mafia Don
If the Colts win, I will draw a Colts card table smashing a Buffalo

The Rams could have probably owned the #3 seed and reversed this scenario if they hadn’t fucked around and found out against the Jets. The Seahawks are a fickle beast, capable of looking like complete, absolute ass for a half and then pull out nonsense from their butt to win games. The Rams are hurt, Goff has a bad thumb, and the Hawks are on an upswing. It’s probably a Seattle win.
If the Rams win, I will draw Aaron Donald as the T-rex from the end of Jurassic Park, when it roars and the banner floats down
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Chef Russ delivering an outstanding stuffed Ram on a silver platter

#5 BUCS @ #4 TEAM
If you are a fan of any team that is not the Buccaneers, you are required by chaos law to root for them to get owned this weekend by one of the worst division winners of all time. If you don’t want to see Brady and his super team eat shit against this garbage, you and I can’t be friends.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Tom Brady throwing out the trash
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Alex Smith as the devil, laughing manically as Brady burns in a pit of flame

I’m torn between thinking the Ravens or the Bills are the scariest team in the league right now. I genuinely wouldn’t be shocked if that ends up being the AFCCG. Post-Poop Lamar is on his MVP roll and unlike last season, the Titans do not have a defense. The Titans offense is one of the most fun to watch in the league and I’m genuinely sad we won’t get to watch them beat up a different team. I just think the Ravens are a buzzsaw right now and probably eager for revenge after last year.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry crushing Lamar with a toilet
If the Ravens win, I will draw Post-Poop super saiyan Lamar Jackson

How the fuck did the Bears sneak in? This is probably the biggest blowout of the weekend. It would be hilarious if this ends up being this year’s embarrassing Saints playoff loss.
If the Saints win, I will draw Old Man Brees in a pimped out golf cart
If the Bears win, I will draw Mitch Trubisky as a large bear

Kind of lame that we are just getting a rematch of week 17. The Browns had difficulties with the Steelers backups. It’s honestly a shame they finally get their first playoff game in almost two decades and they have to face a team that routinely has their number and dances on their grave. I hope they pull this one out, I really really do.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie dancing on the grave of the Steelers
If the Steelers win, I will draw Big Ben eating lunch on a steel beam high in the sky as the Brownie falls off

I will post my annual playoff bandwagon guide later this week with a closer analysis on Chaos rankings