The Draw Play

SWEET SWEET CHAOS

What a week. It wasn’t completely crazy and for the most part the teams that we expected to win did. But when the chaos is good, the chaos is good. This week was the primo shit, the top shelf wine, the best cut of steak, the sandwich you have that looks innocuous but you dream about for years.

Let’s take a moment to sample the goods. Let’s start with the funniest ending to a game I’ve seen in a long time: The failed lateral in Patriots/Raiders. What the fuck? I have never seen that before in my life. I don’t know if any game before has ever ended on a walk-off defensive score on a lateral play. I’ve seen a few garbage time TDs happen that way, when the team with no chance ruins the spread by giving up a lateral TD. But so directly like that? In a game that would have at the very least gone to overtime otherwise? BECAUSE A DUMBASS WIDE RECIEVER RAN BACKARDS 10 YARDS AND HUCKED A HORRIBLE CROSS BODY PASS DIRECTLY TO A DEFENDER, who then stomped Mac Jones into dust and scored. Best little nugget: it was Chandler Jones, former Patriot, who scored the TD. I am flabbergasted that we didn’t see Bill Belichick literally explode with anger. I want to know what this play ends up being called in NFL lore.

But there’s even more than just the Vegas play. The Raiders Runback. The Flea Failure. Whatever it gets remembered as. HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS?!?!?! Up 27-10 over the feisty but flawed Jaguars, the Cowboys proceeded to blow it like they hit the reverse switch on the vacuum. The Jaguars forced overtime and got a tip drill pick 6 to send the Cowboys home, reminding us that this team is still coached by Mike McCarthy and no matter how good they should be, they aren’t. What about the Bucs? They had a 17 point lead on the Bengals and blew it. The entire NFC South lost except the Saints, keeping the dream of the 6-11 winner still alive. The Texans, of all teams, have taken the Cowboys and Chiefs down to the wire in back-to-back weeks. The Lions keep surging. The Bills and Dolphins lived up to the hype. Denver scored 24 points! The Ravens fell down as the Browns played spoiler. The Chargers are healthy and gave the reeling Titans another punch to the gut as the Jaguars close in.

But I think we all knew what would be CHAOS OF THE WEEK. The Raiders play, funny as it was, was just a single play. Vikings/Colts was an entire game of absolute chaos. I forgot football was even on this past Saturday and woke up to see the Vikings down 17-0 in the first. I loudly farted, said “what the fuck”, and trotted into the office to start working on the Colts picture. I was done the picture by halftime, just doing some desk cleanup when suddenly…it started. Okay, one touchdown, whatever. 2? The entire half is garbage time, let’s not freak out. 3? Well, that’s certainly fun, but the Vikings don’t exactly have a ton of time to get this. 4? uh…is this really happening? Is this actually going to happen? THEY TIED IT UP. OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING. IT’S HAPPENING. IT’S REALLY HAPPENING. The game came down to a Vikings kick attempt and it didn’t go wide. Obviously, I’ll make a comic about this later this week.

This was such a wild win that it inspired me to draw a picture anyway even though I got it right. Behold: You Like Datman

GIANTS CORNER: WHEW! We might end up in the playoffs after all. The Giants got away with some DPI at the end there but a win is a win and it always feels nice to give Dan Snyder the finger. If there is a team Daniel Jones can beat, it’s that dope’s team. With the Giants at 8 wins, that means the Giants cannot end the season with a losing record. I never thought that was much in the cards before the season started. Can’t complain at all.

CHAOS WATCH: The entire NFC South. Nobody is good. The Bucs are a mess. The Falcons gave up and started Ridder. The Panthers are trying but just…suck. The Saints? A disgrace that is somehow in the hunt. All of these teams may go to the playoffs. I love it.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK: The Cardinals. With Kyler this year they were bad. Without Kyler? Unwatchable. Utterly unwatchable. Do not turn on a Cardinals game for the rest of the season.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: The Cowboys. Touched on above, but the Cowboys had the game well in hand against the Jags and then it all fell apart. I don’t know what happened to this defense that looked so good earlier this year. The Cowboys are comfortably in the playoffs so it wasn’t a backbreaker, but after back-to-back weeks of struggling against AFCS teams the Cowboys look very mortal.

LETS LOOK AT THE PICS

 

 

WEEK 16: CHRISTMAS

JAGS @ JETS
I’ve run into a dilemma. With Zach Wilson starting, the Jets should lose. The Jags are on fire and the Jets have cooled off. By all logic, I should pick the Jags. However, the trend of Sexy Trevor Lawrence has become this season’s calling card, and honestly, it’s always the most fun I have drawing each week. The people want sexy Trevor, but I don’t want to do work. See my problem? Fuck it Jets defense gonna stuff the Jags.
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Mariah Carey

FALCONS @ RAVENS
PLAYOFF CONTENDER BIRD FIGHT! I need to see Ridder do something before I trust him to win.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Desmond Ridder popping out of a present, Marylin Monroe style

LIONS @ PANTHERS
THE LIONS ARE HOT FIRE BABY
If the Panthers win, I will draw Sam Darnold as the kid from A Christmas Story

SEAHAWKS @ CHIEFS
The Seahawks kinda fumbled the bag. After that hot start they stumbled and now are very much in danger of missing the playoffs altogether.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno, champion of the Island of Misfit Toys

SAINTS @ BROWNS
If Jameis was healthy we could have branded this the sex offender bowl. Alas, maybe it’s good we did not get that. Sadly the sex offender probably wins.
If the Saints win, I will draw Santa Dalton giving the Brownie a lump of coal to the face

TEXANS @ TITANS
Texans have taken better teams to the wire lately. Titans are injured. Could this happen? Can’t pick it, Titans.
If the Texans win, I will draw Lovie Smith decorating Davis Mills with lights

BENGALS @ PATRIOTS
Oh fuck…last time the Patriots got embarrassed by an AFC west team they went “on to Cincinnati” Will it happen again? No, Mac Jones will not have mentally recovered from being stuffed into the turf by Chandler Jones
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick singing Baby It’s Cold Outside

GIANTS @ VIKINGS
FRAUD FIGHT. The Vikings are the good kind of frauds, the Giants are the bad kind of frauds. What’s the difference? A good fraud is a decent team masquerading as a contender. A bad fraud is a mediocre team masquerading as a good one. Vikings are just…better.
If the Giants win, I will draw Saquon Barkley as a very quad-dominant reindeer

BILLS @ BEARS
Bills remain the top dog, Bears just aren’t on the same level.
If the Bears win, I will draw a polar bear divebombing a table

COMMIES @ 49ERS
Washington’s chances to make it took a massive hit with the Giants loss. This game will probably just hurt them more.
If the Commies win, I will draw Taylor Henieke as Frosty the Snowman

EAGLES @ COWBOYS
No Jalen Hurts makes this game a lot more interesting, but it’s hard to pick against the Eagles.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Jerry Jones as Charlie Brown

RAIDERS @ STEELERS
The Raiders are, once again, my worst losing streak of the season, now at 8 in a row, maybe my worst streak ever. I hate the Raiders. I’ll take the Steelers I guess
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Car, but as Santa’s Sleigh

PACKERS @ DOLPHINS
Dolphins are good. Packers are mid. Dolphins also really need this win.
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers not believing in Santa as he arranges his chi crystals

BRONCOS @ RAMS
Broncos are scoring points now that the season is lost. Hilarious. Rams offense is too busted up to overcome that defense, methinks.
If the Rams win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as the grinch

BUCS @ CARDINALS
Very worried this is the game that costs us the 6-11 division winner. Don’t see how even the Bucs can blow this with Kyler out.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Colt McCoy having a nice eggnog with dead Brady strung up by lights

CHARGERS @ COLTS
Colts you fucking rubes how could I even consider picking you. Even primetime Chargers choke magic isn’t strong enough to overcome what you did.
If the Colts win, I will draw Matt Ryan as a centaur reindeer. A Centeer?

If we get a tie
Both QBs as grandmas getting run over