Cam Newton’s Hat Addiction
ESPN (The Extra Stinky Poopy Network) has committed another round of layoffs in an attempt to turn into the Stephen A. Smith Presents We Have Barstool at Home channel, Ft. McAfee Anti-Woke Virus. The big football names in the latest round of layoffs are Ryan Clark, Tom Pelissero, and Cam Newton. All 3 firings feel like mistakes, and they all brought something to the table and the enshittification of the once-proud network continues unabated.
On a less serious note, how will Cam Newton fund his hat addiction now?
I love Cam Newton. The dude is a natural weirdo who beats to his own drum and has become successful enough to do so without hindrance. He reminds me of someone like Prince. Just a weird guy who is himself at all times, which results in a character who is simply entertaining to have around. He also comes with his brand of eccentricities. He still uses that weird Wingdings font on all his posts. He’s a fashionista with a particular fetish for the haberdashery. Honestly? I like that more than guys who are super into shoes. Sneakerheads weird me out. Shoes are meant to be worn. Cam wears his hats. Cam always has a new hat on, and those hats are not understated. He loves his wide brims and buckets with lots of patterns and designs. Cam actually has a hat line similar to how other dudes have shoe lines.
I wish I could wear any of these hats and not look like a tool. Cam pulls them all off even when he’s dressed like a JRPG villain. Probably helps that Cam is a 10, and I’m like a 5. Fashion is like a house. If it has a good foundation and bones, it’ll probably look good no matter what you do to it. If you got a warped roof or a few sagging beams you ain’t pulling off the bright pink paint job.
But all of this speaks to why ESPN letting him go is such a mistake. Cam’s unique. He’s far from the most refined opinion haver or storyteller, but he’s the kind of charismatic personality you can’t just replace with another fucking podcast bro. He serves a good niche of not being for everyone, but enough spice to bring out a dish. You aren’t going to find Temu Cam Newton. You can only find Cam Newton at the creepy antique store that looks closed but has been operating for 80 years, run by an old woman who might be biologically dead. Cam is the bizarre piece of furniture that was custom-made and passed down through generations. He’s got weird bumps and strange little fixes from his journey. He doesn’t quite fit the aesthetic of the home, but people will notice him and he will be a talking point that is remembered and becomes part of the character. ESPN threw that out, along with a lot of other excellent people, so they can make yet more bro shows. We already have the bro shows. If I wanted Barstool, I’d go watch Barstool. I’m far more likely to tune into whatever Cam does next, because Cam is interesting.
The employees let go like Cam should be okay in the long run, but it still sucks. Ryan Clark got walked out in the middle of taping a show, they didn’t even give him a chance to go out with dignity. It doesn’t feel like anybody gets fired for good cause anymore, everyone is just constantly getting let go in cycles so corporations can hit quarterly profit marks. Every industry feels like an elaborate game of whack-a-mole, where you hope that when your head is forced out that you aren’t hit and some other department is.
EDIT: man ya’ll really hate Ryan Clark huh
Whatever happened to the comic that made fun of Cam Newton’s hair? Did it get deleted for good?
I took it down years ago after reflecting that it was insensitive and a joke made from a place of ignorance. I didn’t understand how culturally important black hairstyles were at the time. I regret that one and its absence is no loss.
Ok. I was looking through the Can archives and wondered if it was a Mandela effect thing. No shame in growing over time!
Out of curiosity, do you remember what # comic that was?
It’s been so long I have no idea. Pretty sure I deleted it from my hard drive too so I can’t check.
I won’t miss Ryan Clark. He was an insipid social media nitwit, and he liked to make weird comments about RGIII’s wife being white.
Pelissaro is a huge loss. He felt like a holdover from the era when ESPN was actual news and content and not the FanDuel® Barstool Sports™ Pat McAfee Hour Feat. Jelly Roll and Bonnie Blue.
I’ll miss Cam too, for the reasons you listed above. He was a true character.
@cam spend less on hats
It’s ok, Dave. I too have saggy beams.
I’m surprised to see you upset about Ryan Clark. He is second only to Stephen Smith in terrible takes, the difference is that it seems Ryan is an actual hateful person who no one should listen too, while Stephen is knowingly saying hot takes and does so in a non-hateful way.
Cam was a great addition for his antics and hats. I like Kevin Negandhi, Mina Kimes, Tony Kornheiser, and Michael Wilbon but it is fun to get some wackiness thrown in there too.
Calling Clark an actually hateful person seems like a stretch. I didn’t care for him as an analyst but the entire ecosystem of ESPN since First take is hot takes so I don’t really hate Clark for his but the system that created Clark and every other take artist at the network. I think terminating him mid-show was really shitty.
Clark, Newton, and Pelissero were all reps of the ESPN middle class that is getting gutted for SAS and the McAfee wave and it makes me sad
The stuff I hear about ryan clark feuding with a co-anchor on air because he “didn’t play football” makes me less sad he’s gone
At least now Cam will have more time to devote to solving the mystery of who the fuck is Perna.
Ryan Clark is asinine. Godspeed.
I know that this isn’t why ESPN fired him and that they don’t care, but I’m still glad to have this unrepentant misogynist off my screen for the foreseeable future. I enjoy clowning on his ridiculous hat collection as much as the next person, but it’s sad to see him whitewashed everywhere as the funny hat guy and not the guy who said that “it’s funny to hear a female [sic] talk about routes,” that “women’s value get[s] lower the more children they have,” and that what women need to know is “how to cook,” “how to be quiet,” and “how to cater to a man’s needs.”
yeah I used to like Cam, but he’s a fuckin neanderthal when it comes to women. pity.
Well I know not to think of him as just the funny hat man now
How long do you think it’ll be before they try to replace them with AI chatbots that mumble about home runs during halftime?
I don’t feel any remorse for Cam. When Jourdan Rodrique was covering the Panthers for the years Cam was still playing, she asked him a question about certain routes his receivers were running. He laughed at her and said “it’s funny to hear a woman ask about routes.”
She sought to speak with him later when he wasn’t up on the podium and he doubled down on the misogyny: “you’re not really seeing specific routes when watching the game, you’re just seeing if somebody was open”. When she suggested that maybe the two of them needed to have a little deeper conversation about the subject then, he gestured toward the locker room where the other reporters were, to shoo her away.
For haberdashery, you did of course mean millinery, I’m sure. Anyway, that’s my hot take.
That’s a wild turn of events with ESPN, it seems like they’re trying every angle to get viewers these days.
Someone who is good at the economy help Cam budget this. His family is dying.