The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–That was probably the best chaos we will get all year. 3 games with absolutely bonkers endings, several upsets, maybe only two real clunkers of a game: Eagles @ Commies and Saints/Jets. I hesitate to call Saints/Jets a full clunker, too. Seeing NO go on a 3 game win streak late in the year has been kinda nice.

Cowboys/Chargers was basically Herbert and Dak chucking bombs for touchdowns for one half before the Chargers put the kibosh on Dallas’s hopes. Dallas was knocked out of playoff contention pre-game when the Eagles won, and the Cowboys pathetic defense is to blame for wasting another stellar season from Dak Prescott. Good job, Jerruh. Cheers to another year not reaching a championship.

The Chiefs super bowl hangover might be one of the worst ever. They looked awful out there without Mahomes, and then Gardner Minshew busted his knee and they looked even worse. Stick a fork in these bums. The Dolphins punted and started Quinn Ewers for a glimpse at guys they probably need to cut in two months, but they still scored some points against Cincy.

Falcons/Cardinals meant nothing and was watched by nobody, but it managed to be a competitive game. Giants/Vikings was for the sickos, with the Giants refusing to pass the ball at all costs and JJ McCarthy throwing super droppable passes for everyone until he got knocked out by Brian Burns on an unblocked rush.

The Raiders managed to actually threaten the Texans somehow. No team has looked more lifeless than Vegas over the second half of the season so to actively make the best defense in football sweat (even with injuries) at home in Houston is kind of embarrassing. Funny though! The Browns also managed to make the Bills sweat because the Bills are a rollercoaster. Myles Garrett got half a sack. One more full sack and the record is all his. They play Aaron Rodgers next week. It would be a delight to claim the record on that old fart, against the team that employs TJ Watt, the player currently tied for the record with Strahan.

The Jaguars went into Denver and ass blasted the Broncos. We have to take the Jaguars seriously. Liam “duuuvAAAAllllllll” Coen has unlocked this offense. We also sorta have to take Carolina seriously. Are they Super Bowl contenders? No. Are they better than anyone wants to give them credit for? Yes. Even if they are winning a bad division and are likely to get dogwalked in the wildcard, they’ve proven they deserve the right to get dogwalked.

Sunday Night ended with a vintage Ravens chokejob. They had New England on the ropes. They were melting down same way they did against Buffalo a week ago. Even with Lamar Jackson out with a back injury, the Ravens were doing it. Then they took Derrick Henry out of the game for most of the 4th for no reason whatsoever and the Patriots were able to rally and put them away with ease. Drake Maye is him. I think this might actually be the end for John Harbaugh.

Monday night was the now pretty healthy 49ers beating up an old man. Rivers is trying his best, but the team just let him down. He came back for this, and except for the re-up of health insurance, it was not worth it.

That leaves 3 particular games to talk about. They will each get their own section, because they all deserve more than a few sentences.

 

GIANTS CORNER
–I’ve always been leery of mid-season firings because they feel purely like vibes moves. The vibes are bad, so get rid of the bad vibes leader, see if that helps. In a few cases, if fired early enough in the year, this could matter. But most of the time it leads to what the Giants are now: a bad team that is still bad, with no real chance to meaningfully change things, floundering around wasting everyone’s time. The Giants got rid of Daboll and Bowen midseason but it’s not like they really had anyone worthy to replace them, so now things are just…still shit.

Dart has been unequivocally worse without Daboll. I don’t know if it’s a motivation thing or an offensive usage thing, but it’s getting bad. All his early promise has gone up in smoke the past two weeks. Bad enough that a lot of analysts are telling the Giants to draft a QB come April. I don’t think I’m in that camp yet, I’d rather the Giants get a high pick and trade down with a QB needy team to scoop up first-rounders for the future.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Usually when I have a difficulty time choosing Chaos of the Week, it’s because nothing particularly crazy happened to set itself apart. This week is different. We have 3 games that straight up could have been Chaos of the Week any week this year. Lions/Steelers, Bears/Packers, and the one I have ultimately chosen: Seahawks/Rams.

I have chosen Seahawks/Rams for several reasons. One, it was the greatest and most meaningful TNF game of all time. Period. When is the last time we had a TNF game between teams with double digit victories fighting for divisional and possible conference control? And not only that, but the game lived up to billing?

It was won by Sam Darnold, who has been terrorized by these same Rams 3 games in a row, causing a massive collapse in performance and rejuvenating the ghost jokes. Sam looked to be having another haunting, and he finally whipped out the proton pack and sucked the ghosts to hell.

But most importantly, this game’s ending was just a series of nonsense. The Seahawks were down 30-14 with 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter. The Rams, who appear to be in control, are forced to punt. In one play, Rashid Shaheed gives Seattle life with a quick punt return. The Hawks get the 2 pointer, so it’s a one score game. The Rams are stopped again in another 3 and out, now the Hawks can tie it up. They do, shockingly fast. In two minutes of gametime the Seahawks are one 2pt conversion away from tying it. The 2pt conversion fails. Or does it?

After replay assist, it turns out the pass is a lateral, making the ball live. The ball is picked up in the endzone by Zach Charbonnet. While the whistle is blown before that, the rulebook states that if the ball whistle was blown erroneously and replay review shows the ball was live, recovery is awarded where the ball is picked up. Since Charbonnet picked it up in the endzone…it’s good! Tie game! The weirdest 2pt conversion you will ever see.

The next 6 minutes of regulation are agonizing and nothing happens. So we go to OT. The Rams drive the field and score a TD. Now Seattle HAS to score. Darnold converts an astounding pass to Cooper Kupp on the sideline to get close, and then a strike to JSN gives us the final drama of the game: Seattle goes for it all. After like 10 minutes of timeouts, Seattle goes…and converts. Game over. Hawks win. The stadium erupts. All of us watching lose our minds. A masterpiece. Puka goes and tweets about the refs instantly, making everyone rooting against him for his antics last week laugh even harder.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
DK Metcalf punch
Brian Burns kills McCarthy
Patriots fake punt for some reason

THE VIBE CHECK
– The Bears could be frauds, but the vibes are all natural baby.
– Same for the Jaguars and Panthers. They might not last, but who cares, expectations have already been exceeded.  Patriots too, to be honest.
-The Chiefs are probably down there in the sewer for the rest of the year. Good. Suffer.
-I would have put the Packers in Deeply Rotten but I think seeing the Lions fail cheered them up somewhat after the Bears debacle.
-The Eagles vibes aren’t great, but they have significantly improved after the Cowboys loss. The Positivity Bunny may have been the nadir of the year for them.
-The Colts are toast. A 7-1 start and they are basically eliminated. Rough stuff.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Let’s talk Bears.
The Bears did not perform terribly well against the Packers for most of that game Saturday night. Even after a brutal (and I believe unintentional) hit took out Jordan Love, the Bears let Malik Willis style on them for a while in the cold dead night at Soldier Field. With just over 2 minutes left in the game, the Bears waste a ton of time setting up a field goal to bring the game within one score. They wasted so much time they are forced to go for the onside kick, a famously low-percentage desperation play.

And then Romeo Doubs bobbles the recovery and the Bears get the ball. Every single football fan watching has the exact same thought cross their frontal lobe: Did they just Bostick it again? They did. This would be CACKLE #1

The Bears work down the field on some killer strikes but get forced into a tough 4th and goal. The Packers blitz, Caleb appears to panic and sprint to the right, and heave a ball into the corner of the endzone. The camera angle makes this look like a big whiff headed for the stands. It is not. It is a perfectly placed floater to a wide-open Jahdae Walker in the endzone. He catches it and airwalks while all of us lose our minds. CACKLE #2

Surprisingly, the Bears play for overtime instead of going for the win right there. In overtime, the Packers reach the Bears side of the field but the blustery conditions make a field goal too difficult, so they go for it on 4th. Malik Willis fumbles the snap. Bears ball. CACKLE #3

The Bears get a first down and then swing for the fences. A perfect ball to DJ Moore ends the game on a knockout homerun almost as satisfying as Jake Paul being punched in the face. CACKLE #4. 2025 Bears, I love you.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-The Lions fanbase has an obsession with officiating. Nobody blames the refs more than Lions fans. They’ve made it an entire part of their identity. While the Lions have unquestionably been victims of officiating failures (maybe even disproportionally so), they act like they are the only team this happens to. Most of us can directly point to moments our own team was screwed out of a win or important play due to an officiating fuck up or inconsistency. The Lions do not have an officiating problem, the NFL does. I’ve gotten pretty tired of hearing Lions fans gripe like they are queens of the screwjob. It happens on every flag now, and it makes legitimate gripes look worse.

I say this because I think the officials got the Lions/Steelers Ending Call right. In fact, had St Brown not committed pretty obvious OPI, the Lions would have probably been beneficiaries of poor officiating. It seemed to me the play was over and St Brown’s forward progress was long stopped before the lateral to Goff for the touchdown. Half the players didn’t even seem to be trying by that point. But they hadn’t called it yet, and forward progress has been a bugaboo for the officials for a while, seemingly never getting it right either way. If St Brown had been smarter about his move, the Lions would have won.

I was rooting for Detroit and was incredibly bummed to see the OPI ruin the ending, hence why this is in the OOF. The Lions almost pulled off the miracle comeback.

THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the Week
Apparently you can just tackle WRs well before the ball arrives and not get called. Everyone and their dead grandparents knew that was PI except the refs.

CHAOS WATCH
–The 49ers have the ability to be the #1 seed OR the #7 seed depending on how things work out in the final couple weeks. That’s pretty stupid! We must watch the 9ers with great interest. They play the Bears next, which is gonna be huge for both teams.
-The Lions are basically out of it, but if the Packers implode, who knows?
-Whelp, we gotta start paying attention to Jacksonville.

FRAUD WATCH
–Patriots schedule still makes me skeptical but the Ravens win, even over a backup, felt pretty legit. A nice bounce back win after the Bills collapse.
-The Bears feel like they have plot armor. That usually doesn’t end well because plot armor isn’t real outside of fiction.
-The Bills confound me. Who knows what they are.
-The Panthers are just happy to be here, havin a good time.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Jets are so bad they got blown the fuck up by the then 4-win Saints. 

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Broncos have been swaggering about for several weeks now and relishing the attention, making us take them seriously. The Jaguars came in and played that “amazing defense” like a goddamn fiddle. Massive gut punch to Denver. 

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Chiefs! They were tough to watch at times with Mahomes back there. Without him, they were like staring into the abyss and when the abyss stared back, you were like “hell yeah, more of that please”

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – XMAS WEEK

TNF – COWBOYS @ COMMANDERS
All 3 Christmas games probably looked fantastic to the schedule makers before the season started, and now all 3 look like puke. Cowboys are probably better.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Dan Quinn as Commie Santa, presents for all

TNF – LIONS @ VIKINGS
Lions are technically alive but basically dead. JJ McCarthy already beat them in Detroit. Lions need this more so I’ll go Lions, but yikes.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Brian Flores riding Blitzen

TNF – BRONCOS @ CHIEFS
Lol, imagine how pumped the schedulemakers were seeing this as the premiere x-mas matchup and it ends up being between a #1 seed Broncos and an eliminated, extremely broken Chiefs squad.
If the Chiefs manage this, I will draw Bluecifer getting coal in his stocking

SAT – TEXANS @ CHARGERS
The Texans defensive injuries made them look much more flawed. Chargers at home.
If the Texans win, I will draw Will Anderson Jr as the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph

SAT – RAVENS @ PACKERS
Two teams who took massive L’s trying to bounce back. I almost want to pick a tie for fun, but it’ll probably be the Packers.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry as the Polar Express. Literally as the train, yes. 

CARDINALS @ BENGALS
I guess Bengals? Man who cares.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as the elf on a bench shelf

STEELERS @ BROWNS
Please Myles just end that old man for us. Can you do this for America?
If the Browns win, I will draw A Charlie Browns Christmas

SAINTS @ TITANS
Titans have a chance to win another game! But I believe in what the Saints are brewing.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward as Krampus eating Saints Nick

JAGUARS @ COLTS
Jaguars, murder that old man
If the Colts win, I will draw Rivers as Ebeneezer Scrooge

BUCS @ DOLPHINS
If the Bucs can’t win this they don’t deserve the playoffs and Todd Bowles should probably get axed.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Miami-coded Frosty the Snow Man (he ain’t made of snow!)

PATS @ JETS
Maybe we don’t need two teams representing the NYC metro area. One is bad enough.
If the Jets win, it’s a Christmas Miracle! 

SEAHAWKS @ PANTHERS
Sam Darnold Revenge Tour
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as the toy action figure in Jingle All The Way

GIANTS @ RAIDERS
A few weeks ago this looked like the only win remaining on the Giants’ schedule. Now I’m not so sure. If we get the Giants and Raiders of week 16, the Giants will lose. Still, I guess I have to have faith at least once.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Vegas-Coded Santa Claus

EAGLES @ BILLS
Eagles are so flawed but the Bills are so inconsistent. I have no damn clue. I’ll go Bills at home I guess.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Hurts as the Mayor of Booville. 

BEARS @ 49ERS
Going 49ers at home in a thriller I can’t wait to watch.
If the Bears win, I will draw Sexy Shirtless Ben Johnson in your stocking

MNF – RAMS @ FALCONS
Kirk, you have the opportunity to do something really funny
If the Falcons win, I will draw Phat Dumpy Claus

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs shooting each others eyes out