Da Pope
New Pope New Pope New Pope
I went to private Catholic school from kindergarten through high school, not particularly because my family was super religious but because the school was closer and better than the public school I would have gone to otherwise. In retrospect, I wish they had just sent me to the public school, all Catholic school did was give me years of classic catholic guilt and halfway through high school I had mentally arrived at the conclusion that it was all a bunch of horseshit anyway. But when I was in High School, Pope John Paul II died, and we all got a day off. For one brief moment, being catholic brought me joy. When Pope Francis died a little while ago I hope all those little kiddies trapped in the same school system got a day to be happy.
Anyway new pope is an American from Chicago! Chicago pope! This means that there is an almost 100% chance that new pope has done the superbowl shuffle. According to Wikipedia he left for Peru in 1985 which means he may have bonded with Peruvians by imitating Mike Singletary. New pope has tasted Malort. New Pope is probably going to be murdered by Italians when he asks for a deep dish pizza. If you put ketchup on new pope’s hotdog, he will excommunicate you.
New Pope is confirmed to be a White Sox fan after his brother was asked. This means New Pope witnessed the White Sox title in 2005 over the Astros and also witnessed the horror that was 2024. New pope was in Peru during the Bulls dynasty but he did get to witness the Blackhawks win the cup in 2010 before he returned to Peru. New Pope probably still calls it the Sears Tower (and he is right to do so).
I fully expect Green Bay to become a haven for protestants in the wake of this development.
I’ll keep it going
-There is a nonzero chance that New Pope owned a Mitchell Trubisky jersey
Pope Leo XIV was born just in time to see the Chicago Cardinals, even if he was 5 when they moved to St. Louis.
“This means New Pope witnessed the White Sox title in 2005 over the Astros and also witnessed the horror that was 2024.”
Even better, he was literally in attendance for Game 1 of that World Series – https://www.mlb.com/news/pope-leo-xiv-robert-prevost-white-sox-fan-2005-world-series.
And he’s visibly straining to hold it together with his team up by two runs in the ninth, nobody on base and two outs. There truly is no sports anxiety like “what if they fuck it up at the last possible moment?” anxiety.
The one thing I asked for them is to have my religion not have an American leader. Last thing we need is the us influenceing earth’s largest religion.
I appreciate the Holy See/C joke! Habemus Papam!
Any Green Bay fan is a heathen anyway and not even switching their faith to being a left-footer can save them from Hell.
Just kidding, there is no mythical Sky Fairy Deity and it’s all a load of big fat hairy bollocks, although I wish New Pope no harm.
Pope John Paul II ruined my 21st birthday and my first day of legal drinking by getting himself shot. It put a real downer on the day and nobody wanted to party. Selfish ornate bastard.
Including Ball State in the collection of cardinals is a great add.