WEEK 7 CHAOS REPORT: Bills Are Frauds
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
What the fuck was this week? As you can tell from yesterday’s post, a lot of unexpected stuff happened this week. This is my 4th year doing this, and I honestly think October is the most Chaotic month. Most of my worst weeks are in October. This week featured all kinds of bullshit. The Browns and Colts put on maybe the best game of the week, in a game featuring two backup QBs. The Broncos won a disgusting slugfest with the Packers, who are officially a bad(tm) team. The Steelers keep winning games despite them being borderline unwatchable. The Fucking Falcons won a game, and Arthur Smith is going to stay alive another week thanks to Yunghoe Koo. The Ravens completely outmatched the Lions, putting a severe smackdown on the Big Cat hype. The entire week started off with the Jaguars, who seemed beaten and injured to hell, spanking the saints. Eagles/Dolphins mostly lived up to billing despite the Dolphins slumping it. The Bills losing to the Patriots was my original drafted Chaos of the week, but then the fucking Vikings went and Viking’d it AGAIN. This fucking team, man.
GIANTS CORNER
God bless the Washington Commanders. If there is a team that has consistently managed to ease the pain for the Giants every season, it is Washington. No matter what happens, the Giants can always beat Washington. It takes quite a disaster to roll into a game facing an offensive line that is basically 5 guys that were on practice squads a week ago and look even worse. The Washington Commanders might have the worst offensive line in a league full of awful offensive lines. Sam Howell is reckless with the ball (Giants should have won by 14, Thibs dropped a gimme pick 6). The defense is unremarkable. The offense is slow to react despite having some killer weapons at their disposal. Washington will always fall apart for the Giants and I appreciate them for it. They even gave the Giants their first blocked field goal since 2017, breaking the longest streak in the league!
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
The Vikings, jesus christ. Just when you thought they were out of it, they pull me back in. Primetime Kirk is no longer a meme, he’s a star. The 49ers took a big fat L for the second week in a row and now we can officially start throwing shade at Brock Purdy without fear of riling up the Purdy Posse too hard. The Vikings stole the first half with an incredible touchdown before the half ended, and despite the entire game feeling like it was headed for a vintage Vikings heartbreak at the end, they picked off Purdy twice to seal the deal and wowee, the Vikings are 3-4 and somehow alive for the wildcard hunt after being left for dead. Love this team.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
So I always treat my Saturdays as my day off. I go outside, spend time with my wife, clean the house, pretty much anything except spend time watching football. It takes one hell of a thing for college ball, as chaotic as it is, to reach me. So consider me blown away when I found out Michigan State, before getting their colon cleansed by Michigan, put Adolf Fucking Hitler on their scoreboard as part of a trivia question. What the hell. Ultimately, Michigan State would put more Hitlers on the scoreboard than points.
If that doesn’t count, then the Jordan Addison TD before halftime in the Vikings game. I thought it was picked but he straight stole it from the DB to score with 7 seconds left in the half. Then the Vikings missed the XP. Vikings.
CHAOS WATCH
The Steelers. They aren’t good. Watching them makes you feel bad. Yet they win games. I don’t get it. Nothing but ugly, confusing wins.
FRAUD WATCH
The Bucs. The Entire NFC South is a dumpster fire but it felt like the Bucs at least had some sort of identity to them. Losing to the Falcons? Are the Falcons still somehow the best team in this division? What the fuck is this division. Disgrace.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Bills were on Fraud Watch last week and now we can pretty much confirm: they are frauds. Looking back the Dolphins game is now more of an outlier than any of their losses. This team seems to have gone all-in on Josh Allen just being a Superman and bail them out every time and he just…isn’t consistent enough to do it. Josh Allen is not Patrick Mahomes. Josh Allen still brainfarts on a semi-regular basis. The defense has fallen off, the offensive playcalling has been awful since Daboll left, the Bills are frauds. They peaked at 13 seconds. To go into Foxboro and face the worst Patriots team we’ve seen since the 90’s when you are supposed to be an AFC powerhouse and spend all game trying to play catchup to the worst offense in the league…to finally take a lead and give it up in the final minute to lose anyway…pathetic. Bills are on a 3-game moral losing streak (They beat the Giants but let’s be real, that was a moral loss).
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Colts black helmet is vile. I hate it. Absolutely the worst of all the black alternates. The uniform was okay, but the helmet? Jesus christ. Part of the problem of judging new uniforms when they come out is that how they look in press conferences isn’t always how they look on the field, and most uniforms honestly tend to look a little better in action. Not the Colts black helmets. I hated the Colts black helmet when they announced it this offseason, and watching them on the field just made it worse. It was one of the few situations where a black uniform would have been an improvement. They looked awful. Top heavy, you could barely see the logo due to there not being enough contrast between the black paint and the dark blue logo. Unwatchable. I haven’t hated a look like that since the Jaguars two-tone disasters.
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HALLOWEEK!
BUCS @ BILLS
It’s wild that this game makes me pause instead of automatically picking the Bills. This has gone from a sure thing to a questionable thing. Bills still but man, it’s closer than it should be.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Slayfield and Spike Evans
JETS @ GIANTS
The Giants only hope in this game is to just sell out vs Breece Hall and make Zach beat them. The Jets defense is striking and will destroy the Giants offense, but if the G-men can get a few turnovers and prevent the Jets from getting too far ahead, I guess an upset could happen. If Danny starts the Giants are toast.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Bones and Saquon Darkley
JAGS @ STEELERS
Ugh, the Steelers are on pace to be my most drawn team this year. Makes me very unhappy. Still picking the Jags here.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Fright End Pat Firemouth
EAGLES @ COMMANDERS
Wait didn’t these two just play each other like 2 games ago? Commies put up a fight but after beating the Dolphins I think the Eagles are humming again.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Scary Terry
RAMS @ COWBOYS
Rams be mid. Sorry Puka, I love you, but they mid.
If the Rams win, I will draw Matthew Stabford and Spooker Kupp
VIKINGS @ PACKERS
Vikings should beat the Packers into the dirt but these Vikings are a turnover waiting to happen 5 times per game
If the Packers win, I will draw the Anti-Christ-ian Watson
FALCONS @ TITANS
Ugh. The Falcons keep being handed winnable games and I frankly just want to see them be pummeled into the dirt so I can stop having to worry about drawing them. Titans off the bye in my pick.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Younghoe Boo
PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS
Dolphins, you better obliterate these mofos.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Kill Belichick
SAINTS @ COLTS
Colts! Colts are surprisingly decent considering the situation. The Saints make my eyes water.
If the Saints win, I will draw Taysom Hydra
TEXANS @ PANTHERS
CJ Stroud about to show the world why he should have been #1 instead.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Splice Young
BROWNS @ SEAHAWKS
I don’t trust these Seahawks at all.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Ghoulo Smith and Devon WithaKnife
BENGALS @ 49ERS
Bengals are in for a rough ride this year, 49ers gonna beat them up. Joey, hope you’re healthy, because you are about to not be.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Ja’marr Chase You With A Knife
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
Higher number: Broncos point total or amount of times the broadcast shows Taylor Swift in the booth?
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russell Silent Hillson and Jerry Gooey
RAVENS @ CARDINALS
Dark scary bird better than cute pretty bird
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Joshua Blobbs
BEARS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers can use this easy win by the Herbie Boys to justify keeping Staley for another week. Staley should have been fired ages ago, but Spanos is a cheapskate.
If the Bears win I will draw Matt Ebloodflows
RAIDERS @ LIONS
Lions. Get back on track. Send McDaniels to the pits of hell.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Shark Davis
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs as horrific conjoined twins
With names like that, it sounds like you been playing Mutant Football League…
Or Blood Bowl!
If the Steelers are one of your most drawn teams this year, it’s probably because they’re better than you think they are. Yes, our offense is atrocious as shit, but on the flip side, we have arguably the best defense in the league (especially when compared to how long they’re in the field). It’s not that we win games “somehow”, the script is almost always identical: offense flounders for 40 minutes, defense (and usually its the LBs or Fitzpatrick in particular in this case) keeps everything one score regardless through big splash plays, then the offense usually clicks together right at the end when they go into their hurry up offense and we don’t have our disaster OC calling plays.
It’s still a goddamn heart attack watching them because of how much of an emotional roller coaster it all is. However, the extreme difference between both sides of the ball, I feel, makes people think the Steelers are a lot worse than they actually are, since they struggle on the more sexy side of the game. But they’re really a mid teens team, and better than most of the teams you rank them against.
This will sound kind of outrageous but these Steelers remind a lot of the Bucs last season. From the outside, they look abysmal and when they lose, it’s really, really bad, but they just have a knack for winning ugly. Their offense is horrible on scripted plays but when you need a score in 2 minutes or less they almost always find a way to get it done. Naturally people see them as one of the worst teams in football and are stunned that they’re actually winning games, when in reality they’re just a mediocre outfit with an elite defense that usually keeps them in games long enough that the offense always has a chance to win it in the end (though Pittsburgh’s defense is significantly better than Tampa’s since they actually generate game-changing turnovers and often just outright score on their own).
It also helps that their offense is usually good for at least one explosive play out of nowhere per game. I’m pretty sure Kenny Pickett is the only QB with a TD pass of 70+ yards this season and he has two of them. They’re just a really bizarre team to watch all around because they’re so predictable yet they still manage to surprise you and keep your heart rate sky-high while doing so.
I get why people think of them the way they do. On paper there’s no reason why this team should be 4-2 with a win against Baltimore. Yet they are. If there was ever a year for a defensive player to win MVP, this should be it. TJ Watt deserves it for what he’s done for that team.
Absolutely agree with all of this, including Watt for MVP. I thought it’d be too homerish for me to include that part in my analysis, but I agree: if Watt breaks the sack record (which I think he will) and no QB ends up having a career year (Tua was looking at it at first but I don’t think he’s as on fire anymore), I think this is the year we see a defensive MVP. I mean, all you got to do is see th stretch of games we had last year without Watt to see that there literally isn’t a player who single handingly changes the fortune of their team by being on the field. I’ll admit it is arguable if an edge rusher will ever beat the best QB in terms of absolute value to their respective teams, but in terms of realitive value vs the rest of the roster, absolutely. And I think the MVP award should be more looking at the latter than the former.
Dave just doesn’t like the Steelers, full stop.
I do think he’s selling us short. It’s 3 quarters of unwatchability, and then things are fun chaos.
The Bucs arn’t frauds. Or more like, the entire NFCS division is a fraud.
The unintentional “We never drop the ball” caption to that Hitler image is hilarious.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest you reconsider the “Saquon DARKley” pun/drawing.
Bold of you to assume Stroud would be any better in Charlotte
Josh Allen is, for better and worse, the new Brett Favre. He can ball out and make amazing plays, but he’s just as likely to do something dumb and cost his team the game. Now we just pray that he doesn’t start sending dick pics and defrauding state governments.
What, no “Joe Burrowing Brain Parasite”? YOU’VE LOST A STEP DAVE!
A rough patch is enough to deem the Bills frauds? How is the Dolphins the outlier game when they stomped the Raiders and Commies just before that? I get those are bad teams but good teams are supposed to stomp bad ones. Jags had a unique travel advantage, Giants HC is their former OC, and Jets and Patriots were road matchups against division rivals. Their losses are by a combined 9 points in regulation.
Meanwhile the Dolphins have *only* beaten bad teams and got pantsed by the Eagles, arguably harder than the Bills did (Bills scored more but Eagles only allowed one offensive TD against the best offense in the league).
There’s no denying the Bills aren’t playing well and they still might be frauds, I’m just saying it’s too early to put a fork in it just yet.
“If the Patriots win, I will draw Kill Belichick”
I originally read that as ‘Kill Bill’-ichick, and had a vision of Belichick in a yellow jumpsuit brandishing a sword.
Not really Halloween-themed, but scary as hell nonetheless…